I applaud the original questioning letter, it takes a lot of courage to ask for advice and shows a desire to work on a potential problem rather than hiding it or pretending it doesn’t exist. Gabrielle’s response, as well as all of the subsequent responses, are also very good.

I wish you both well and hope that you find the answers to your questions.

It freedom of being out as a crossdresser to one just one person (maybe especially a woman) is like flying or free-falling. I have come out as a crossdresser to 3 women. It wasn’t until the third that I managed not to go completely over the top trying to be best girlfriends girlie with. Even though I managed some filter it was still hard not to let the persona that remained under wraps for so long not to explode all over. It sounds like In Love still has some moderation issues to addresses because the filter is really hard to instill from the crossdresser side.

As others have said, trust and communication are key. It may be that your boyfriend has found someone he can trust in and he’s still finding out who he is.

Oftentimes, you find a crossdresser will ‘go off the rails’ when allowed a little freedom. I am not making excuses for his behaviour, but I am trying to offer some reasons as to why he may be behaving in a way he wasn’t before.

The rollercoaster ride will stop… but where it stops depends on where he – and to a very large extent you – want to. Maybe he’ll get tired of looking at the porn and posting pictures, maybe he won’t.

I hope it works out for both of you. It is scary and while it can seem like just you having to cope with what’s going on, there are sites dedicated to the partners of trans people (where no trans folk are allowed). Trans partners is one of them: http://www.transpartners.co.uk

Good luck!
Lynn
x

In a general way, I would like to put two realities (realities for me at least) out there. There is nothing sexier than a group of women that feel good and sexy about the way they look. If you don’t believe me just watch girlfriends going clubbing sometime. You can tell the ones that feel confident in the way they look. They aren’t always the prettiest either, but there are no others that are sexier. Together girlfriends make each other even more beautiful.

Second, if you dress sexy and feel good, you will look sexy. No one will be able to take that away from you. You should feel like the sexy one whenever you feel like and wherever you are. And whomever has issues with that that is their issue. The important part is that you feel good about the way you look. Once you have that, you can’t help but exude that you feel good about the way you look.

I agree that you have trust issues. The best way to deal with these is to communicate them. You shouldn’t have spied on your bf’s internet activities. All that does is make you untrustworthy as well.

Let me explain. You clearly didn’t trust your bf before you went out to confirm your fears. That is the only real issue. Did you feel better after your fears were confirmed? I doubt it, and I believe your letter confirms that. What if they weren’t confirmed, would have you felt better? I doubt anything would have made you feel better. Not finding anything would have made you suspect that that he was just covering his tracks. Because the problem is that you have trust issues.

And the only thing spying on him does make you feel like you invaded someone’s privacy. Additionally you have to keep the secret that you did it or expose that violated your bf’s trust, which makes your bf suspicious of you. So it makes matters worse no matter what.

The best thing to do when you have trust issues with someone is to simply tell them how you feel. That way you are just dealing with your emotional needs and you don’t have all that negativity hanging over your head. If you still have trust issues after talking about your concerns then you have a clearer path to what you need to do. And you can that with a clean conscience.

I might have more later but I have to run now.

About commenting, please, by all means, comment on anything that stirs ideas, thoughts, etc. that you’d like to share. This isn’t a transgenders only need bother commenting environment. I most certainly welcome, appreciate, and do not ignore comments left by non-trans visitors. :)

I am a genetic girl too, with a cross-dressing boyfriend. It is definitely ok to adjust slowly to your boyfriend’s cross-dressing. It is also ok for your feelings to go “up and down” as you go along. I love my guy, I am totally ok with his cross-dressing, but I too have the same moment of why should I bother to dress sexy. Sometimes I feel like he is more interested in his own reflection. We talk about it. I let him know I am in need of being “the pretty one” getting the attention. It comes down to give and take, I am ok with his dressing and he understands sometimes I want my traditional date with him in guy mode. Communication, communication, communication.

As for the sexual aspect, I think we have things in common there too. Cross-dressing for my guy seems to be more of a sexual thing than a serious gender issue. At times he is all guy and at times he thinks and feels more like a woman, I think he is happy with who he is and I am too. With that said, there is definitely bi-curious talk in the bedroom. I am ok with. Again, we have talked about it. I know it is, for us, just talk and fantasy in the bedroom. I also know that if it were ever to be more than that we would talk about it, neither one of us would go behind the other’s back. Communication, communication, communication.

My guy also likes to take pictures of himself dressed “en femme”. Again, I am ok with this. I feel, with most things in life…moderation. My guy has only posted a few pics, but I think I get the thrill of it. As a GG, to have men compliment you and flirt with you provides a powerful feeling. As long as it stays as harmless flirtation. We talk and we share. When he gets dressed up and we take pictures, it definitely turns him on a little bit more, and I get the benefits of that! So we are both happy.

I’m not sure if any of this helps you. I am happy with my cross-dressing guy. We have a serious relationship, with the issues that any relationship does, but cross-dressing is not one. I know my guy is private about his cross-dressing, so it is a little secret we share, it is fun. Talk, talk and talk some more is what I say to you. Some of your issues seem like just regular issues…will my guy be faithful? Even women in relationships with non-cders feel unappreciated so why should they make the effort to dress up? Talk, let him know that just as an evening dressed makes him happy, and evening with him in guy mode makes you happy. If you get what you need you will probably be happy to give him what he needs. Let him know your thoughts on monogamy, and that it applies to hetero and bi-sexual feelings.

Gabrielle has great advice. I read her blog all the time. I rarely comment, but since she asked today I did. I found her blog when I was looking to talk to other women who date cross-dressers. I started my own blog if you would like to check it out, just a few ramblings about some of the fun I have with my guy. I am still waiting for other GG’s to find it. http://funfindinghersheme.blogspot.com

To me it seems as if the boyfriend’s interest in crossdressing is more sexually driven rather than that of self-expression or gender identity. Even though the main question was addressed as crossdressing, it seemed as if all the issues and concerns centered around sexual behaviors and desires. I’m hoping that others will chime in with more ideas, thoughts, and suggestions based on what they get out of what was written.

I’d really like the author of the letter to get a healthy dose of useful and meaningful information as a result of her reaching out for answers. That’s me asking for more of you to please take a moment and add your thoughts, ideas, opinions, knowledge, and suggestions. :)

Cross gender identities are complex things – both for the individual who finds themselves living with such an identity and by association for those closest to them. Finding a workable balance in life can often be difficult in the extreme – crushingly so.

What does your boyfriend want? Is it purely centered around the erotic for him, or does she desire to explore the world as a woman socially?

For the writer of the original letter, what do you want? What are you comfortable with? Are you willing to have both a partner and a sister in the same person?

The balance each of us needs is different, and the real question is whether a couple can come to a mutual sense of balance that meets the needs of both individuals well. That may mean sacrifices of things that both parties hold dear – but should not mean suppressing something that is real for either.

In short, can you help each other grow as human beings?