You bring up good points on the Bible passages, too. The Bible’s teachings are often misinterpreted, twisted, taken out of context and/or flat out fabricated in order to support personal agendas and a means by which to influence others. Exactly why some “teachings” (or misrepresentations) get hammered on and enforced with a vengeance while others are ignored or swept under the rug is a rather interesting phenomenon and questionable practice. It is truly sickening and disturbing that some people who claim to be the messengers and teachers of God’s Word are more concerned about maintaining their own distorted “values” and way of life, regardless of the harmful and damaging affect to others, and regardless of the truth.

Many biblical scholars have offered that this refers to men donning women’s clothing to enter a woman’s tent, or to avoid battle, not a general repudiation of crossdressing. Notice it also cites women for the same thing. A couple of sentences later, it says that it’s a sin to wear clothing made from 2 different fabrics!

I am so very sick of the misinformation that is offered in the name of religion. I just checked out a forum called the Catholic Answers Forum, and almost to a person the respondents said that a crossdressing husband was immoral, sick, a sinner, compulsive, and a threat to children. It makes me very angry and upset that this sort of nonsense is being spouted in the name of God. I personally believe that if there is a God, despite all of the difficulties crossdressing can cause, it is a gift from God to people like us.

Suzy

Relationships are complex and I only have a tiny, tiny piece of a much larger puzzle when it comes to your relationship with your wife/daughter. Given the small bit of information you have supplied, I think it’s safe to say that if crossdressing was completely removed from the equation, you and your wife would still be experiencing difficulties in your relationship. It is also likely that your wife would still use your daughter and the (backing of the) church as a means of control over you in some way. Like I said before, regardless of the factors that come into play, parents (or a parent) using their children as a bargaining chip in a failing relationship and/or as a means of controlling their spouse is, sadly, common place.

I was grown up and married when my own parents got divorced. Both were (and still are) church-going Christians who raised me with strict Catholic “values”, and good-natured, Christian beliefs. Yet it did not stop EITHER of them from stooping to terrible depths to make the other appear as the “bad guy” in my eyes. I won’t get into the rather disturbing attacks (on the other) that were used to win over my support. I thank God I was old enough to understand what was going on. Divorce is never easy on the children – it was still rather difficult on me, and certainly quite more traumatic for younger children to go through. For all the difficult emotional times that resulted of the divorce process and aftermath, I am happy to say there was a happy ending. Both my parents ended up with people they are each more compatible with and I can honestly say I never saw them as happy with each other as they each are now with their new spouses. They have even reconciled their differences and BOTH attend certain annual family events (as in they can be in the same room with each other and even be genuinely polite to and converse with one another).

If you and your wife continue to walk down the path of separation, which it seems, based on the limited data I have to work with, there is no way around your daughter being hurt and emotionally scarred in the process. This has nothing to do with crossdressing and everything to do with a child not understanding why mommy and daddy don’t love each other or get along anymore. Your daughter may be subjected to lies about crossdressing (from your wife and possibly the church) should separation proceedings take place and there isn’t much you can do about that. It’s a terrible thing to do – lie to an innocent child and make them believe fallacies about someone during such a difficult time, but that is what often happens (again, regardless of crossdressing).

Tough times are ahead, no doubt. I’m very sorry to hear that things are not looking well for the outlook of your family (as in staying together AND happy/content as such). I suggest you do what is necessary to protect yourself from “dirty tactics” by consulting a lawyer AND a psychologist who is well-versed in transgender issues. Do you homework on finding both so that you end up with good legal counsel as well as court-submissible, professionally assessed information that clearly spells out how NOT dangerous being a crossdresser is to a minor and how it, in and of itself, is in no way, shape, or form, related to being a child molester. Whatever the “official grounds” may be that are brought up in any legal proceedings dealing with separation from your spouse and how custody/visitation rights of your daughter, this kind of thing is probably going to get really ugly (again, I can’t stress enough, the same is true, regardless of crossdressing being in the picture or not).

I’m not sure what else to say, Georgette – your situation really stinks. You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. Welcome to the wonderful world of a failing marriage. Sadly, it is a growing trend these days, as married people (often with kids) discover how NOT compatible they really are, and [whatever specific item] is brought up as the “cause”, finger-pointing at who is to blame, using kids against the other spouse, trying to tarnish the name of the other to family/the community, etc.

I hope and pray that, like my own parents, you AND your wife both emerge from this as happier people in the long run. I’m sorry, and good luck.

Thanks for the continuing words of advice. i finally learned what she means by protecting my daughter. She has latched on to the myth that cross dressers not only become, gay and get a sex change operation but they are also child molesters. Especially if she continues to not give me or have sex with me then i will turn to our daughter for sex. Not only is this a belief of hers but also the church leaders that she talked with. So with no basis or facts to back them i have have been branded as a threat to children. Also, in her viewpoint i have no reason to question her about anything that she has or will do. Any and all behavior on her part is OK because her intents are to have me stop cross dressing therefore, anything is OK by her in the long run.

i guess that helped explain a lot iof her behavior in the past couple of months. Of course when she doesn’t want to be bothered with caring for our daughter and/or wants to do something else then it is ok for me to be alone with our daughter. i haven’t figured out how to handle this without hurting my daughter to much. i am not proud of the fact that i am fast becoming less concerned about how it may hurt my wife.

Thanks again.

The counselor who insists that crossdressing is “wrong” and “sinful” is, from what little information I can gather, using religion as a means of influence regardless of any truth to the argument (that crossdressing is sinful, which it is no more sinful than women lacking femininity). Religion is often used (read: MIS-used) as a powerful tool of influence. Many people have stopped preaching the Word of God and substituted warped ideals that best suit their own agenda. The misuse of religion as a political tool is something I could write volumes about… and, I’m certain there are countless books and well documented studies of such things available already. Take a few minutes to look up the topic and learn about the plethora of ways religion is misused to influence others for personal gain. I don’t want to dilute the subject here, though. If it were not religion and/or religious backing to your wife’s argument against crossdressing, it would be something else. People always look for what they believe is strongest argument/backing they can find to back up their ideas and influence others, whether the purpose of such influence is good natured or not. To muddy up the waters even more, often people who use questionable tactics to try to influence others wholeheartedly believe that their agenda is “right” and “moral”, regardless of whether or not they really are (correct).

I’m not exactly sure why your wife needs to “protect” her daughter from you… have you behaved inappropriately around her or otherwise been a poor influence on her somehow?

In terms of your wife going through your things and “deciding what you should and should not be told”, or as it sounds to me, deciding how your life shall be lived, it’s entirely up to you whether or not this is acceptable. It does not sound healthy to me, but I do know of men who’s wife literally controls every aspect of their life, right down to being involved in every phone call made (literally, as in the wife is present and a ‘passenger seat’ participant, if you will, to each and every phone conversation), and they’re actually happy this way. Crossdressing isn’t a factor in any of the men I make reference to. If you can truly be happy this way, then there’s not much of a problem, I guess. It’s all about what you want out of life and whether or not you’re content. That’s up to you to decide.

I understand that you’re situation is complicated and any decisions may bring unpleasant consequences. For what it’s worth, this is not unique to crossdressers with unaccepting spouses, but rather universal. Marriages/relationships experience troubles on all fronts each and every day. Sadly, kids are often used as leverage and/or bargaining chips. Again, this happens all the time, regardless of whatever circumstances may be causing friction in a relationship.

I can’t remember who coined the phrase, but I found it to be very true: “You get out of life what you settle for.” Just make sure that what you settle for is something you can be happy with in the long run. Good luck with whatever it is you decide is best for you, Georgette. :) Hopefully, both you AND your wife will eventually find the happiness that you each deserve, whether it be together or apart. God bless, and take care.

Will this has been an interesting summer, not fun but interesting.

i had remained in counseling until i lost my counselour tomy wife, could not/would not do anything more for me but could stillhelp my wife. i would not see crossdressing as wrong and a sin, therfore she could not do anything more for me. She did try to hand me over to her new partner. When i decided to look for another counselor, i was told she could still see me and wife begged/pleaded, etc please go. i agreed, started out with being told, today was going to be a 2 hour meeting maybe we can make some progress(no advance notice to me). She then asked me if i had anything that i wanted to say to or about my wife, i said no, i was told it was to clarify why i was being handed off. She then looked at my wife and asked if she did, she pulled out a multiple page letter and demandingly started reading from it. Her viewpoint now is Cd wrong, stop it, get rid of all. Things went back and forth no big changes. Towards the end of session, i repeated remark that i had shared in sessions and with my wife, i just want to talk about it and reach a mutual agreement. Counselor remarked that was a good idea/goal and fair. When asked her why now it was ok/good but not previously, she continued with notion that it was new and wife still not agreeable to. at that time due to this reaction, along with both openly lied to me about session, etc, i left and decided that counselor had lied to me and lost my trust, i was not seeing her anymore.

Shortly after that my wife told me that she was going to kick me out of her house and protect her daughter from me if i did not stop CDing. The first time i put it down to her being angry but the next day it happened again, at that time due to threat of loss of daughter, i resolved no more. Wife happy and proud that she got me to stop. She feels i should be happy/thankful that she did and no reason to be upset or anything. Her conditions etc have increased, what i have to do and how do it, etc. She has stayed focused on her, what she wants, what she needs to do for her daughter, she doesn’t think she can forgive or trust me ever again.

i have talked with a lawyer and know what some of my options and rights are. i don’t know where we are going as a couple. i have for lack of a better word killed georgette and disposed of her and her walk. While i am sad abbout this, i have been told by my wife that i shouldn’t be, she still doesn’t trust me, searches all my stuff, reads my mail and email, decides what i should or should not be told. IE One of our nighbors that was sick with cancer passed away and she did not tell me until after the funeral was over, i did not need the stress or need to know. i will still read, etc but no longer write about or dress as georgette. Good bye my friends. :( and NO RIP for me.

I understand your issue with the wording I used in regard to “personal preference” vs. “personal prejudice”. I agree wholeheartedly that society, on the whole, tends to hold and even enforce an unflattering and negative prejudice against trans folk. That negative perception or prejudice is the result of many factors working together, from lack of knowledge to the flat out lies that are passed down from generation to generation (that make up much of the fodder for disparaging jokes and hate sentiment).

Aside from the prejudice and negative perception, regardless of their source, I think that people truly do have their own personal preferences in what is desirable and what is not desirable in a romantic interest and they’re allowed that personal preference. It is true that the personal preference of many is heavily influenced by mainstream society, but there are also so many people who’s personal preference is much more rooted in their own sense of perception and feelings there of. My own wife, though a product of society as we all are, was never one to follow in the trends of others when it comes to what she likes or dislikes in others. She may not openly display or discuss her likes/dislikes with everyone, but with those who she knows on a more intimate/personal level, she’s very open about her feelings on things, and does not make any apologies for going against the “popular” grain. My wife is not unique in this respect. There are plenty out there who are quite similar.

With the 1950′s example, it seems you’re attempting to shine a light on very specific takes on “what is feminine” and “what is masculine”. That is a highly subjective topic in itself that can be debated in many directions. I understand the general instances brought up in that respect. When I talk about a woman preferring her man to be 100% masculine all of the time, it is generally a reference to that man’s personal style and presentation. Likewise with the flip side of a woman being 100% feminine, all of the time, in the context in which I have written (or intended to convey) would also be on personal style and presentation. There is a very gray area here and I believe you and I are attempting to present the same point, but perhaps getting caught up in the wording or semantics of how it is stated/presented. In that regard, my writing is full of instances in which my wording hasn’t exactly been the most rock solid or at the very least, not the best choice of wording/phrasing for intended message. When I go back and re-read some of my writing months later, all I want to do is re-write the whole bit more intelligently for this exact reason… and perhaps in time, I may do that with some of my posts. But today and in the foreseeable future, there’s just not much time for it. Aside from some debatable wording/phrasing/choice of words, I’m comfortable with this particular post… at least in the meaning I indented and how it reads to me, but being the author, it’s easier for me to pick out the meaning in my own writing.

Here is the section I strongly dissagree with:

“It’s a matter of personal preference, and everyone is entitled to their own.”

The thing is I don’t beleive it is personal preference, but rather personal prejudice. Nobody is entitled to this view, it is a perspective forged by an unfair society. I think it is fundementaly sexist, in the same way as a man who wants his women only to wear skirts and be subserviant to his will, cook him his dinner, clean his clothes, vote for his political party etc. This chariacature of the 1950′s man of the house might seem ridiculouse: it is, and was when it was real, but the woman who wants her man to be manly and masculine all the time – well that’s just the same, equaly wrong and oppressive, and derives from exactly the same mentality: one where genders are digital, polarised, immutable.

Being as we are the products of a society that thinks this way, even we crossdressers can make these little slips, I catch myself out sometimes, but they should never go without comment.

It’s too bad your wife isn’t taking the official, professional, psychriatric news (that you’re *not* mentally ill) very well. It is understandable that she remains resistant, though. She probably still feels threatened by this aspect of your life, and may simply not be fond of the idea of femininity in her husband, period. Even so, it is very important that she is now aware, from a psychriatric professional, that this is *not* a sickness, illness, or disease that needs to be “cured”. Resist as she may, the realities should eventually sink in.

I am happy to hear that she is at least ok with you doing your thing so long as you keep it out of her sight. All married couples have their personal interests/activities that do not involve both parties. That is normal and healthy.

I think you should continue therapy, if only alone. It sounds like it has been helpful and given you a better understanding of yourself.

Continue to be patient with your wife and try to look at things from her perspective, too. It’s important for you to understand her feelings and needs, just as she should also do for you. Always let her know how much you love her and that your desire and need to be yourself is not a failure on her part, but rather just part of what makes you who you are.

Good luck with everything, Georgette. :)