It’s been a while since I’ve had an opportunity to get out in public as Gabrielle. My wife, the fabulous Mrs. H., recently took me shopping at one of the local malls. It marked the first time we ventured out in public together, while I was en femme (not including drives we’ve taken in which I did not exit the car).

My public outings have had mixed results in the past. To increase the potential for a more successful outing, I took some drastic measures this time, or at least drastic for me.

In order to draw less attention and increase my odds of blending in with the crowd, I did something rather undesirable. I wore pants. I hate pants. It may be crossdressing cliche, but I really do hate pants. Women have been wearing them for several decades, but I just don’t feel very feminine in pants, even women’s pants, or skin-tight jeans in this case. At least I looked good in them, according to my wife. I do admit, my legs still have a nice, feminine shape in jeans (thanks to my daily treks on the treadmill of doom), but it’s not my style and I wasn’t happy about it.

The activity was shopping, but this outing was mainly an experiment in blending in – something I’ve failed to do in past public outings. I like to dress nice. What I consider “dressing nice” and “looking good” falls under the category of dressing “sexy” in the eyes of many people. We’ll spare my gripe with how society tends to frown upon “sexy” these days, but that is my preferred style and how I feel best.

What I wore
My outfit consisted of tight bluejeans, black knee-high boots (flat, not high-heeled), a black turtleneck sweater, and an outer black button-down sweater (that fell just below my hips) over it. My only accessories were a gold crucifix necklace, and basic black purse. I toned my eye makeup down dramatically and was careful not to over-do it on my blush. Mrs. H. and I had similar looks going on, each wearing black tops, tight bluejeans, flat (non-heeled) black knee-high boots, and black purses.

I snapped a few quick photos on the way to the mall while my wife drove, one of which you see at the top of this post. You can see her long, black hair draped over her right shoulder at the right edge of the photo. Sorry about the lack of a bull-body photo of how I looked in what I refer to as “fem-drab”. I didn’t feel compelled to capture my image in this less than desirable style. Update: Scroll down and click on the thumbnail image at the end of this post to see how I looked in the pants I wore.

As much as it pained me to dress down, it did help in terms of not drawing attention. As I’ve stated before – I do not pass in person. Don’t let my pictures fool you. In two dimensional photos where I have more control over things such as lighting and the angle in which I’m viewed, it’s a lot easier to appear passable. In person, angle, depth perception, and less than ideal lighting conditions easily reveal my feminine shortcomings.

Just friends, not lovers
When in girl-mode, my wife prefers I behave like a friend, rather than romantic love interest. It’s understandable, as it should draw less attention in public that way. Even so, my arm kept finding its way around her shoulder somehow. Muscle memory, old habit, or subconscious need, it was quite difficult to keep from showing romantic affection for her while we were out. I never realized how automatic (and frequent) my spousal public shows of affection are, nor did I expect it to be so difficult to refrain.

Mrs. H. did a good job of helping me feel more comfortable out in public. She coached me on “feminine shopping behavior”, mannerisms, posture, and appropriate facial expressions. Yes, facial expression is an important point to her, and I agree. As a not so youthful genetic male, my face doesn’t look very feminine on its own – even when coated with gobs of makeup, carefully applied so as not to appear like “gobs of makeup”. I have to try to keep a “perky” look on my face, which includes a hint of smile, that does not appear to be a full-out smile. Walking around with a constant smile on my face would just be weird. It was tricky, but I did my best to pull it off.

One thing that was no different from any other shopping experience with my wife was that I ended up carrying all the clothing items picked out as we browsed. As a loving spouse, in guy-mode or en femme, I am always happy to do so.

Blending in… more or less
My attention was a bit divided. My wife kept trying to get me to behave and act “naturally” (which included browsing through clothes), but I couldn’t help but try to look at each and every face around me for signs of being “read”. Most people seemed to be completely unaware, which is exactly what I wanted. That was the point in dressing in “fem-drab”. So long as people don’t look directly at me, and there was little reason for them to, I would remain just another body in the crowd.

I did not go completely unnoticed, however. As my eyes scanned about, I did notice a handful of people who appeared to have read me. There were at least a few occasions in which people reacted directly to my presence.

Deer in the headlights
Shortly after entering the mall, in one of the main hallways, two teen boys (maybe early 20-somethings) walked in our direction while conversing with each other. Our eyes met briefly. A few yards away, their conversation stopped abruptly and I got a rather obvious look of surprise. Just after passing by them, I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. Their eyes open wide, almost popping out of their heads, and jaws hanging open in surprise, was rather humorous.

Nice boots
In the clothing store that we spent most of our time browsing (it had clothing styles we both enjoyed), I was approached twice. A young male sales associate came up to me and commented on how he liked my boots as he showed me his own boots… women’s boots. Footwear was his only “female” attire as far as I could tell. He read me, and we read him as well, though not as a transgender in his case. He was an effeminate, stylish, gay man. With only one or two exceptions, I’ve always clicked well socially with gay men and women. They’re pretty open-minded and cool, or at least those I’ve had the pleasure of knowing over the years.

I did not actually talk to the sales associate because Mrs. H. jumped in and began chatting with him, believing he was commenting on her boots and not mine. I stood by and smiled while they talked for a minute or two. There was some hesitancy on my part to chat with strangers on this day, which I’ll explain later. Even though I didn’t participate in the brief conversation, it was still a cool experience. He knew I was trans and was genuinely welcoming to me – perhaps more so because of it. How I wish that could be the case with everyone, or at least the majority.

Excuse me, ‘miss’…
After our shopping in this store was concluded, Mrs. H. and I quietly conversed with each other while waiting in the rather long, slow moving check out line that extended back some distance. After some time, another shopper approached me and asked me for some assistance. She was in her late 50′s, I’d guess.

“Could you tell me what the price on this is? I forgot my glasses and can’t read the tag.” “Seriously? That’s her approach?”, I thought to myself. I almost busted out laughing… again. It was a rather obvious attempt to get me to speak so she could confirm whether or not I was a “real” woman. The moment seemed like it was ripped right out of a Seinfeld episode. Smiling larger than life and trying not to laugh, I leaned over to look at the price tag. Just then, Mrs. H. intervened and “helped” the woman read the price tag. My wife’s intent was to “come to my rescue” and prevent a potentially uncomfortable moment. I love her so much for that. Had she not been there, I would have “played along” and probably gotten “probed” a bit further by this curious woman. Her polite, if obvious, approach to “reading” (or confirming) me was amusing and probably well intentioned but I knew it was best to not converse with people on this day. It might have been a great opportunity to engage in a potentially educational conversation, but I was filled with a mix of nervous energy and adrenaline and very much off my game.

An alarming reaction
Shopping bags in hand, Mrs. H. and I slowly made our way through the mall’s large hallways. As we walked and chatted, my eyes continued scanning about looking for signs of being read. Most people seemed not to notice, and that was very pleasing.

At one point, my eyes met the eyes of an oncoming man who was walking in our direction with his young daughter. He was about 5′ 6″ (noticeably shorter than I), very thin, and probably in his mid 30′s. I looked away to be polite. A moment later, I looked back to find him still starring directly at me with a rather odd look on his face. He pulled his young daughter close to him, pressing her against his body, as if to protect her from imminent danger, and quickly altered direction into the nearest store entrance. Our eyes remained locked for several seconds during his “escape”. The “odd look” on his face appeared to be that of fear, perhaps anger. I’ve gotten nasty looks from people before, but never the look of fear, if that was what he experienced.

I asked my wife if she caught his reaction, but she was looking in another direction. I explained what I saw – a worried man attempting to “protect” his young daughter from… well, me. Mrs. H. tried to convince me that I misinterpreted things because I was nervous. Well aware of my own nerves, I disagreed.

It took some time, but I think I figured out what really took place. The over-protective father probably did experience a genuine sense of fear. The fear was not of me however, but rather of his own daughter. More accurately, he likely feared having to explain what I am (as a transgender) to his daughter had she gotten a look at me.

I understand his discomfort in context with where much of society currently sits with things. Even so, his reaction was cowardly and unnecessary. Children look up to their parents for guidance. If they sense discomfort in their parents about something, they will in turn learn to become uncomfortable about it themselves. My own parents were very uncomfortable answering certain questions when I was a child. Consequently, I “learned” that these things were just “wrong” – even to simply inquire about. Looking back, there was nothing wrong with most of the things that made my parents uncomfortable. I’ve made it a point to remind and embarrass them about it in recent years, mainly in jest.

It is sad that certain realities, perfectly natural and quite harmless, are still taught to be immoral or flat-out “wrong” in the eyes of impressionable children. This is a topic best suited for another concentrated discussion… or many discussions, however.

An interesting learning experience
Our mall shopping concluded, Mrs. H. picked up a few tops and a dress. A single new miniskirt was in my bag – not exactly much of a wardrobe expansion, but finding things in my size (mainly tops), AND in styles/colors that I like, is no easy task. In addition, I was quite distracted with my “people watching”.

For the record, I quickly changed into my new miniskirt upon arriving home. I couldn’t get out of those pants fast enough. It felt so good to feel “normal” again. I am literally laughing as I share this, but it’s true. The skirt looked very nice on me, too. Again, my apologies for not having photos.

Although it was a good learning experience, I’m not pleased with many aspects of the outing – mainly how it felt (or how I felt during it). My attempt at blending in by dressing exactly how I do not like to dress did work to some extent. The cost of blending in was that I didn’t feel very feminine, even under all that makeup and completely in “women’s” clothing. I didn’t feel like myself. It almost felt like I was “playing dress-up” (“dress-down”, in this case) or wearing a costume. Have you ever felt really awkward or “not right” because you dislike what you’re wearing, regardless of gender expressed?

Feminine vocalization issues
According to Mrs. H., I was unable to produce my feminine voice properly, which she noted as we quietly talked to each other while shopping. That was, to some extent, why I was hesitant to engage in conversation with anyone. I practiced my feminine vocal exercises for about 10 minutes in the car on the way there. My wife got a big kick out of that, and even I am laughing as I reflect. Maybe the vocal exercises were not long enough, or perhaps I was simply not feeling enough like myself to properly feminize my voice. Many crossdressers do not try to hide their male voice, however as Gabrielle, I do not aim to be a “crossdresser”, but rather a trans-woman, if only part time. I’d rather not get into the “labels” and “terminology” debate right now, though. This write-up is already triple its intended target length.

Analysis, Mr. Spock
I’ve got a ways to go yet, in terms of blending, acting “naturally” and feeling comfortable out in the “wild”. A controlled environment, such as a planned gathering where I know people or have a specific purpose, is a lot easier for me right now. Life is a growth process and this part of my growth has been stunted for a long time. I’m playing catch-up, though it’s moving at a very slow pace – mainly due to lack of time and opportunity to get out and grow. My own feelings and emotions are under constant psychological self-analysis. This trip out gave me a lot of good data to sift through, odd as that may sound. It’s something we all do, although I sometimes speak about it in direct analytical terms.

What’s your story?
For those of you who are more advanced than I when it comes to public self-expression, what have you discovered in terms of successfully blending in? Those of you who have yet to venture out in public, what keeps you from doing so? Please take a moment to share experiences, thoughts and ideas.

Update:
Click the thumbnail to see how I look in pants. The outfit in this photo is different than when I went out shopping with my wife, but from the waste down, including the boots, that is what I wore. I’m not a fan of wearing pants, but I don’t look too bad in them. Honestly, I look a lot better in these kind of pants than a lot of genetic women half my age who squeeze into them… but of course, I have to exercise my fit little butt off to achieve it.

I came across this in a local paper. It has not been doctored up. This is exactly how it appears in the full page ad. It clearly illustrates the evolution of man is, in fact, crossdressing… or so it is in the automotive business. Hey – it’s a start, right?

As crossdressing grows in popularity in the automotive business, it will also soon spread to other industries. The business world can be pretty cut throat, with a growing emphasis on the word “pretty”. It’s about time crossdressing entered the mix.

Suit-up, folks… er, make that, skirt-up if you want to climb that corporate ladder. The old school businessman in a suit and tie is going the way of the dinosaur. As they die-off and fall out of power, they’re quickly being replaced by smarter, more innovative people with much better taste in clothes. Make way for a new era of smart, sexy, stylish and powerful corporate leaders known as the businesstrans.

Of course, the ad in the paper refers not to crossdressing, but rather the rise of women in positions of power. Perhaps in time, the ‘businesstrans” will replace the businessman though. Many crossdressers already own their own business. I’ve been in touch with several personally. Of the ones I know, it is the man-side that takes care of the business end of things. Personal appearance still holds a lot of weight in the business world, and today, the prettier side of things is still less attractive in the eyes of many would-be clients. That will change in time though.

For those of you who fall under the category of “businesstrans”, do you take care of (face-to-face) business in guy-mode, or en femme? Where do you see the “evolution of man” going in the business world? I know where I’d my own (business) evolution to go. Whether or not I’m smart enough to pull it off has yet to be determined. What’s in your business future when it comes to gender expression or just feminine fashion?

On January 1, 2009, I ventured online as Gabrielle for the first time. In preparation to begin interacting with others, I created a flickr account and uploaded my first femme-photo. Prior, only my wife had seen me this way.

Posting that first photo was a bit strange at the time. I felt exposed to some extent. It’s kind of funny to me now – how it seemed like such a big deal to publish my photo as Gabrielle online for the world to see. This is simply who I am and I don’t think twice about sharing photos and stories about my life now. That first step out of complete privacy and into the public eye felt like a big one at the time, but I quickly became comfortable with it and posted another photo just days later.

To celebrate the anniversary, I thought it would be fun to recreate my first publicly shared photo, one year later. Although (originally) posted on January 1, 2009, the photo was taken in December of 2008. The new one was taken exactly one year and one day later.

On the left you see my first published photo and on the right is the one-year anniversary recreation, taken a couple of weeks ago (click to enlarge either). The background was removed in the photo on the left because the bathroom I was standing in at the time didn’t make for a very attractive composition.

There you have it – the same outfit, same pose, thicker eye-liner, darker lipstick, and weighing in 10 pounds lighter. One year later, and I’m just as “surprised” as ever.

The original “surprised” pose was not inteded as such, but it almost seems to illustrate the emotion associated with taking that first photographic step online: excitement and surprise to finally be sharing this aspect of my life with others.

A question to my trans-sisters
Have you posted photos of yourself (en femme) online? How did you feel about it that first time? If you have chosen not to share your femme-appearance or removed photos, what were the deciding factors?

If you have an online album of your femme photos to share, feel free to post a link to it in your comment or include the URL in the “website” field if you like. If you do so, please be sure to leave a comment and not just a link. Please DO NOT include a link to photos that expose too much, are sexually explicit or otherwise inappropriate. They will not be published.

I’ve been crossdressing since the age of 3 or 4, but it wasn’t until December of 2008 that Gabrielle finally got her face. The picture above was taken a couple of weeks ago, on the one year anniversary of my first time in full makeup. It’s not my best head shot, but certainly displays a vast improvement from a year prior in terms of looking more feminine up close.

After a lifetime of keeping this aspect of my life a carefully guarded secret, it was around this time last year (add a couple of weeks) that I was finally (fully) out to my wife. It was that same time, after months of planning, that my first ever feminine makeup transformation took place. The fabulous Mrs. H. agreed to take care of business for me. With years of experience doing her own makeup, and very well, I was sure to look gorgeous when all was complete… or so I initially thought.

I remember sitting in the bathroom while my wife carefully applied the makeup. She had me positioned so that I could not watch the process in the mirror – wanting it to be a surprise until finished. For decades I had waited for this moment and it was finally happening. This kind of anticipation is something that only another crossdresser (who also happened to wait far too long) can truly understand.

Mrs. H. smiled and giggled at times while applying my makeup. The process was pretty amusing to her, and she rather enjoyed it. Foundation, eye shadow, eye liner, blush, lipstick… and the wait was over. After a lifetime of self-denial, it was time to face my feminine side in the mirror – the woman within that had been unfairly locked away all my life.

It is hard to find the proper words to describe how I felt after coming face to face with “Gabrielle” for the first time in the mirror. To quote the fictional, but wise character of Spock, “…having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.” The context in which I use this quote differs from how it was used in the Star Trek episode “Amok Time”, but seems fitting in light of the great disappointment experienced that moment.

Although it felt good to finally be in full makeup as Gabrielle, I clearly looked like a man wearing makeup and not at all like the beautiful, feminine face that I mentally envisioned for so long. Most of the photos taken that day looked awful. My desire was to look as female as possible and not like a man wearing makeup. It was quite a let-down. I couldn’t help but wonder how much better I might have looked had this moment arrived many years sooner on a much younger face.

The following day, we gave it another try. Some lessons were learned and a slightly different approach was taken this time. It fell short of what I hoped for, but was a welcome improvement. My face looked more feminine and less rugged. Click the thumbnail to the right to see the first-ever photo as Gabrielle I shared online (originally published on January 1, 2009).

Unfortunately, I’ll never know how beautiful I might have looked as Gabrielle in my teens or twenties. Being genetically male, my face is aging as such. Thought it does not look terribly old by any means, it does look fairly rugged and quite male. If you’re a young crossdresser, closeted or not, I suggest you begin experimenting with makeup if you haven’t already. Younger faces have the potential to look more feminine, and of course that much more attractive.

The silver lining is that I’ve gotten better at doing my makeup over the past year. Like many before me, I discovered that sticking with it and refining technique can greatly improve the end result. My preferred style isn’t exactly a modern, trendy approach. I love thick, black eyeliner, darker eye shadows (applied in an 80′s-ish fashion), bold lipstick, and sometimes a little too much blush (thought it is unintentional with the occasional excess blush).

Coming up
In my next post, I’ll be revisiting my first-ever published photos as Gabrielle. It was just over one year ago that I first ventured online as my feminine-self. A couple of then and now comparison photos were taken to celebrate. I hope you’ll join me while I reminisce and look back at my first baby steps into the world as Gabrielle… if only via the internet in the beginning.

Share your experience
At what age did you first start wearing makeup? How did it turn out your first time? Did you have any help (from a friend, girlfriend, or wife) getting started? Do you follow the latest makeup trends or do your own thing? If you’re the mother, sister, wife or signicant other of a crossdresser, have you helped someone get started or perhaps still do their makeup for them? Please take a moment and share.

The purpose of our meeting was to discuss some business venture ideas, but most of the time was spent chatting about personal interests. Being the first time we met up since I came out to him, there was a good deal of curiosity about this aspect of my life, which I was more than happy to discuss.

During our conversation, he made an interesting comment to me. He’s known a total of three crossdressers and pointed out, “…but you’re the only normal one.” He shared with me that the other crossdressers both exhibited negative, degrading feminine behavior in girl-mode – the kind of behavior that most women would (and trans folk should) find insulting. I certainly did.

The way he described their behavior was basically a poorly done, exaggerated impression of a woman acted out by someone who does not think very highly of the female gender. Imagine a silly, no-class comedic high-pitched female vocal impression repeatedly explaining how dumb she is because she’s just a dumb little girl and as such, not very bright. Imagine this kind of behavior playing out during a gathering – a constant display of exaggerated female behavior in the form of a dumb little girl. If I were to find myself in the company of such a person, I would probably share a few choice words with them and remove myself from their company.

Sometimes it’s very clear why often we get such a bad rap. Many people get the wrong impression of us on the whole because of contact with some very troubled people who also happen to be transgendered and/or hearing stories about such people from friends.

Every “group” has its bad examples. I’m all for people being themselves and living their life to the fullest in whatever makes them happy (barring that which is harmful to others). At the same time, I do not agree with such a poor display just because it comes from another crossdresser. If anything, I’m that much more insulted by it. An idiot is still an idiot regardless of gender expression.

I’m glad my friend finally got to meet a positive example of a crossdresser. Even more powerful is the fact that we’ve known each other for many years and he now associates my many positive attributes with my femme-side as well. Should the topic of crossdressing be brought up in future conversations between him and others, he will probably talk about the multi-talented, down to earth, “normal” one: me. I hope he remembers to bring up the fact that us “normal” ones are also plentiful, as I explained to him. Somehow the poor examples always seem to stand out more, but that is true in all facets of human nature and not limited to the transgender spectrum. Perhaps in time, more people will understand that.

As usual, I use the word “normal” with quotes around it because there really is no such thing as normal. There is only that which popular opinion perceives and acknowledges as common (and usually desirable) traits.

If you found yourself in the company of an idiot or jerk who also happened to be a crossdresser, what would you do? Would you put up with their poor behavior simply because they have but a single thing in common with you? Would you explain to them that perhaps they might benefit from behavior modifications?

Please take a moment to share your thoughts.

Halloween is often regarded as the “crossdresser’s holiday”. On this single day of the year, it is generally socially acceptable to venture out into public en femme without being ridiculed, harassed, or facing harm (from haters). Because a man dressing up as a woman is regarded as a simple “costume” rather than a social deviation, the rules are changed, if only for a short time.

In years past, I remember some of my male friends dressing up as women on Halloween. Their costumes consisted of ridiculous looking dresses, mismatched jewelry, a bad wig, over sized breasts, and absurd makeup (applied almost clown-like). I observed similar displays at various costume parties. In addition, the men behaved very much like men with only occasional feminine behaviors displayed, and usually highly exaggerated for comical purposes.

I am not a costume
Although many of my crossdressing sisters will be going to Halloween related events as their fem-selves, I will not be. The idea of “Gabrielle” being some kind of costume or sight gag is insulting. Wearing a women’s costume however, would be a very different story. A women’s Star Trek dress uniform was on my mind for Halloween this year. The uniform itself and presentation as a Starfleet officer would be the costume. Being en femme (Gabrielle) would not be a part of the costume, but rather my gender expression, or simply put – me, as in the one wearing the costume.

Poor planning
So why do you see a photo of Vamriress Gabrielle rather than Yeoman Gabrielle? The costume shown to the right here is only available online (or I could only find it online). Is I’ve said before, nothing I order online ever seems to fit. I’m rather tall (for a woman) and it would probably end up fitting more like a shirt, than a dress. Most Halloween costumes are not returnable, or involve penalty restocking fees. Because no specific measurements are offered for such an item (just small, medium, etc.), I didn’t bother. Mrs. H. and I checked out a couple of local costume stores, but they didn’t have anything comparable. Had I started my search sooner and put a little more effort into it, things may have turned out better. As friends suggested, I might have made my own… or have Mrs. H. make one for me (I can’t sew). It was poor planning on my part. As usual, time elapsed rather quickly and somehow summer morphed into October while my mind was preoccupied with other things. Perhaps next year. Truth be told, if I happened across a women’s Star Trek uniform (that fit right), I’d buy it any time. I’m a big Star Trek nerd and would love to have one just to geek out en femme, not to mention all the fun that could be had with Trek-style photos and imagery.

I’ll be en femme, but not because of Halloween
Saturday, I will be done up as Gabrielle… but only at home. Simply put, the opportunity to spend some time as Gabrielle will be present. After a long, busy week stuck in guy-mode, Gabrielle needs some time to relax and unwind. It has nothing to do with Halloween. As stated, I am not a costume and will not present myself as such. My wife suggested I “be Gabrielle” for Halloween (as in “Gabrielle” would be the costume), but I explained to her why I would only be Gabrielle for Halloween if Gabrielle had a costume to wear… which this year, she does not. The vamp-photo is just a manipulated image – I won’t appear like that on Halloween… only in the haunted digital world of the computer. Nothing worse than a byte from a digital vampiress. lol Sorry, geek humor.

Why pass up a rare opportunity to move about freely en femme?
I’ve explained why it’s not for me. Best wishes to my trans-sisters who will venture out en femme (as a costume). If you can enjoy yourself as such, then by all means, go for it. :) I’d rather see (tg) people go out for Halloween in an actual female costume of some kind rather than just en femme (as in just presenting as female in appearance), but to each her own and I respect the personal choices of others.

If I had a women’s costume to wear, I probably still wouldn’t be going out this year. I’m not much of a party-goer these days. The last time I went out to a Halloween themed event was 16 years ago. Back when I used to have more time on my hands, Halloween was a big deal to me and I’d invest much time and money into a convincing costume presentation.

Sexy = bad, but sexy Halloween costumes = good?
Ever notice how most adult women’s Halloween costumes are very sexy? Don’t take my word for it, check out this Google image search on “vampiress costume”. Perhaps a better example is this image search on a “nurse costume”. Some may call it “slutty”, but that’s usually just a sentiment expressed other women out of jealousy. Slutty is a behavior, not a look or appearance. Our sexually repressed society (mainly American) just loves to chastise women who happen to show just a little “too much” skin, or sex appeal in their appearance. Oh God forbid!

De-evolution of self-expression
It is interesting that on Halloween, it’s socially acceptable for women to express themselves in a very sexy appearance, so long as it is just a costume. Some may justify it as just “fantasy play”, which is considered to be ok on Halloween. My question is why is it only ok to be sexy in “fantasy” and not in reality? In the late 80′s and early 90′s it was fairly common for women to express themselves in a variety of sexy styles in public and at work. I loved every minute of it and miss those days immensely.

My personal feminine style is fairly sexy in presentation. Short skirts and dresses are my favorite. I love wearing them, and I’ve got the body to pull off the look. Please do not mistake my words for bragging – I pay my dues with hours of exercise every day. For me, miniskirts and short dresses are the ultimate show of feminine expression. Unfortunately, they’re also considered “too sexy” by much of society… except for on Halloween. That irritates the hell out of me.

Let’s not loose focus
Enough of my indulgence into some matters of a more serious nature that occupy my mind this Halloween. I appreciate your taking the time to read while I explored some interesting issues and would love to hear your thoughts on them. Halloween is supposed to be fun and it’s time to get back to that aspect of it.

A nightmare on my street
In 1993, I attended a costume contest at a sports bar. It was the last time I went out anywhere in costume for Halloween. There were some very cool contestants there, in a variety of creative forms. I received quite a bit of attention from people that dark and spooky evening. I went as the dream demon himself: Freddy Krueger. Rather than wear a simple (and fake looking) mask, I spent weeks meticulously preparing custom made latex facial appliances to simulate the disfigured, burned/melted look of Freddy’s face. It took about 3 hours just to apply it all properly, and was very hot and uncomfortable to wear. The judges thought my costume was not “original” and I won no prizes. Oh well. I collected their souls anyway. heh heh heh :P For those who are curious, I offer a photo (the background has been altered, but the rest is all me). I was a little heavier, my nails were very long and razor sharp and my hair was very, very short (heehee). My man-side as Freddy Krueger. I kid you not, that really is me under all that rubber, paint, and striped sweater. I believe I’ve mentioned before my fascination with slasher and horror movies.

What are your Halloween plans?
I want to know how many of you will be en femme this Halloween and whether or not your feminine Halloween costume is just you en femme, or does it include an actual female costume? I’m sure many of you will be in guy-mode this Halloween as well. What costume will you be wearing, regardless of gender expressed? Will you be going out, or just handing out candy to trick-or-treaters? Tell Vampiress Gabrielle all about it. :)

My favorite color is black and I love black nail polish. When it looking feminine (or trying to), I think my color choices differ from many. I generally do not wear bright, colorful clothing. I prefer dark, neutral colors. Dressing all in black is my favorite, and that of course includes black nail polish (check the photo below).

At the risk of sounding like an advertisement for the “Hot Topic” chain, I do like many of the things they carry. Some of the hardcore gothic-types make fun of the chain for various reasons, but I don’t really care. I like what I like regardless of what others have to say about it. I’m not exactly goth, but love many of the female gothic styles and plan on exploring them more in the future… in my own way, of course. Many gothic men wear black nail polish, by the way, which has nothing to do with crossdressing (as in, they’re not crossdressing by wearing it).

To me, black is a very feminine color, or more accurately, how I use black is feminine. At least it is to me. I do not follow the latest (women’s) trends or styles, but rather prefer to explore the looks and styles that I enjoy on a personal level. I really don’t care if they’re “in” or not.

The photo up top is that of the very first item I purchased en femme. I spoke about it briefly here. In addition to the fact that I love black as a color, I also love the fact that this particular nail polish came in a bottle decorated with a skull and cross bones. It almost looks like a bottle of poison. Some people may not think that is very feminine or girlie, but it is to me. More accurately put, it’s just plain cool.

It always irritates me to hear people say “Why not try a pretty color?” A pretty color? Black isn’t a “pretty” color? Come on! Black is beautiful to me. Beautiful, pretty, cool, sexy, attractive – whatever you want to call it. Black just rocks!

Truth be told, I have a thing for skulls, skeletons, the darker side, and the whole b-horror slasher movie genre. The skull and crossbones bottle is perfect to me. I’d rather have a “bottle of poison” than some “pretty” bottle of something bright. That’s my style and preference. At the same time, I have no nothing against those who prefer the lighter colors and styles. To each, her own.

The fabulous Mrs. H. recently painted her nails black, using my new “poison” nail polish. That’s one of many perks to having a crossdressing husband, by the way – we can swap and share things. ;) Her nails are usually painted variations of red and other bright colors. The black nail polish worked really well on her, going great with her pitch black hair. She thought they looked nice, too. For my wife however, it’s just a Halloween theme. She’ll soon return to her brighter colors, and that’s fine by me. Whatever color she wears, her nails always look beautiful.

I planned on taking a photo of her running her nails through her long, black hair and share it with you here. Unfortunately, she had a mishap on Sunday morning, broke a couple of nails, and trimmed the rest to match. In short, she’s not happy with her nails right now and refused my request for a photo. Bummer.

Although many t-girls and genetic women may be breaking out the black nail polish for the upcoming Halloween holiday, it’s a year-round thing for me. When it comes to nail polish, black is always my color… with the occasional near-black alternate color (usually at my wife’s request).

Is black not your thing? That’s cool. You won’t hear me say “Why not try a prettier color?” I’m glad everyone has their own style preferences. The point is self expression, as in be yourself, and not what someone else would have you be.

I think a lot of crossdressers go with that which is expected of them (generally by other crossdressers) and try to conform to socially accepted female styles. I’m already breaking social acceptance rules in choosing to be myself and express my feminine side. In terms of personal style, I may as well go with what I like, from black nail polish, to my beloved thick, black eyeliner. It’s not what many genetic women wear (aside from gothic women), but it’s a look that I really love, regardless of it’s lack of fashion popularity.

What’s your color of choice? Do go with your own distinct personal sense of style, or do you follow the ever changing fashions and style trends? Tell me about it.

After a productive outing to see my therapist as Gabrielle, I wasn’t quite ready to call it a day. I decided to take a stroll through a local mall. I’d driven to this mall a few times en femme, only to remain in the car out of fear of being harmed.

This is part of my personal growth process. I need to become more comfortable being Gabrielle in public and interacting with others as such. My primary objective for this mission (it’s more fun to think of it as a mission *grin*) was to make at least one purchase before leaving the mall. My secondary objective was to walk the entire mall before leaving, but it’s a rather large mall and I wasn’t sure about the feasibility of that in my high-heel boots.

Before my mall-trek was over, I received a rather unsettling reminder of the very real potential for danger in public crossdressing.

Enter the mall
I used the Macy’s entrance. There were several available close parking spots there, and that location was less likely to have groups of teens hanging out inside or near the exits. I walked slowly around Macy’s sales floor, trying to find my stride. It took a while for me to hit it – shoulders back, chest out, wiggle my hips (my wife always tells me to wiggle my hips more). Eventually I got it down… more or less. I’m growing and learning… mainly learning to walk like a woman at this point. It’s very different in large, open areas than it is in the confines of my home.

From Macy’s, I entered the mall’s main hallway. There were more people than I was expecting at that time of day (not that you can tell from the misleading photo), but it wasn’t crowded by any means. My focus remained on trying to walk with proper feminine movement.

Trouble dead ahead
Continuing down the mall’s main corridor, I entered the “dead” part of the mall. There are several vacant stores in this area, and usually fewer customers browsing. One of many kiosks was directly ahead. From several meters away, I noticed the 20-something looking men working behind the counter staring me down. The look on their faces was that of anger, disgust, and dare I say – hatred. Still several meters away, I clearly heard one of the employees make a rather derogatory comment about me to the other guys, one of which appeared to be a male customer. It was spoken loud enough for me to hear it from meters away – indicative of the intent to send me a clear message.

The encounter was chilling. Never before had I actually been looked at with such an obvious display of disgust and hatred. I feared these guys may attempt to harm me as there were very few other eyes in the immediate area and I was an easy target dressed as I was.

In an upcoming post, I’ll share what business these guys work for and what was said. I wrote a letter to the CEO and explained how representatives of his company chose to send me a very clear message of intimidation, and so openly in public. You’ll probably want to check back for this one. Chances are, many of you regularly do business with this company.

Catastrophe averted, moving forward
Once sufficient distance was between myself and the bullies, I tried to ease up and work back into a more natural stride. Determined not to let these small-minded thugs scare me away from my right to be out in public, I tried to concentrate on my personal growth again.

The large display windows of the stores offered a good way to observe how I walked in their reflection. They also allowed me to keep an eye on my back side, should anyone decide to approach with bad intentions.

Mission objective – engage
I made my way to a store called Hot Topic. For those unfamiliar with the chain, it’s known for its generally gothic and alternative styles. It is frequented by people with generally non-mainstream appearances and run by easy-going, open-minded people.

Two young women who appeared to be in their 20′s were on duty. They greeted me as I entered and I smiled and said hi back. Running low on black nail polish (my personal favorite) I looked around for some. I asked one of the women if they had any, and she pointed out that they had a single unit left. I spoke to her about how easily my black nail polish chipped off and she said she has the same problem. After offering me some helpful advice on application methods (what works best for her), I purchased the black nail polish and was on my way.

Mission objective accomplished
The experience was a pleasant one and my first purchase as Gabrielle went without a hitch. Although I felt awkward the whole time, the store employees were cool to me and treated me with respect. They both read me immediately as I entered – their eyes widened momentarily in surprise. It is a telling look I’m getting used to seeing on people, and an understandable reaction – especially in an area where it is very uncommon to see (noticeably) transgendered people in public. I think it’s important to point out that the women were aware that I’m a t-girl (emphasis on the “t”), did not laugh or act uncomfortable around me, and treated me very well.

Continuing mall exploration
As I walked down toward the other end of the mall (opposite where I encountered the haters), I noticed an increase in teenagers hanging out in groups. School had just let out and this is a popular place for teens to meet up. It made me a little more nervous, but I decided to keep moving forward (away from my entrance point).

Checked out or scoffed at?
I approached a small kiosk with a young male employee working there. He was carrying on a conversation with what appeared to be a buddy. I got nervous approaching, thinking back to the “tough-guys” who gave me trouble earlier. One of the men said something odd as I walked by, but I couldn’t tell what. It may have been just a sound or something – perhaps he was checking me out and made some kind of sound to indicate that? It’s unknown if the sound was made in sarcasm or in approval… or if it was even intended for me. Without looking back to find out, I kept walking.

Obnoxious sales attendants
The next kiosk was larger and occupied by two male employees who appeared in their early 20′s. Both were well dressed and slightly more approachable looking than the jerks who gave me trouble earlier, though I did not want to interact with them. Unfortunately, they wanted to interact with me. One of them called out to me, “Excuse me, miss, what kind of phone do you have?” I was wearing my phone’s hands-free ear piece, it was visible, and this was a cell phone retailer and service provider kiosk. Attempting to ignore him, I kept walking. A few steps farther, now with my back to them, he called out again, “Excuse me miss, can you tell me what kind of phone you use?”. He was talking louder at this point as I was continuing to walk away and distance myself. “Miss, we’d like to talk to you.”. Now several meters away, I turned my head back over my shoulder toward them, smiled and politely waved so as not to appear rude. The young man called out one more time, “Miss, could you come back here, please?” These guys made me very uncomfortable. Maybe they didn’t read me. Maybe they simply saw what appeared to be an attractive woman and just wanted to talk (and sell me a cell phone)? If they happened to get a good look at my face, chances are they read me easily (like the others) and may have been trying to have some fun at my expense. I didn’t know for certain, but didn’t want to chance it. In order to get back to where my car was parked, I’d have to walk past them again in the other direction, which I did not want to do. Instead, I headed for the nearest exit to walk outside and get to my car that way.

Fumble
Turning the corner to the nearby exit, a tall young man made eye contact with me and politely said “How you doing?”, as he walked by. I nodded my head to acknowledge his greeting… like I always do… as a MAN! Doh! Men nod their heads, a lady would have smiled and said hi back! A random and genuinely nice guy says hi to me and I screwed it up, probably giving myself away in the process. Yes, I’ve got a long way to go on the public front.

If it’s not one thing, it’s another
I exited the mall and was walking down the sidewalk, taking the long way back to my car. Straight ahead, teenagers were gathered. They do that after school – gather around some of the mall entrances and just hang out. The wind started wiping up and my long hair was blowing up and back, revealing additional signs of my genetic gender. As far as I could tell, none of the teens said anything to me or about me as I passed by. With the wind not letting up, I entered the next entrance and hoped it would be far enough down so I would not need to pass by the obnoxious cell-phone salesmen again. This store’s entrance into the main hallway of the mall was just a few meters past that location. Those guys would be able to easily see me as I walked back into the main hallway.

Had enough for one day
Walking at a faster pace than normal, I entered the main hallway, hoped for the best, and headed back to my entrance location in Macy’s. I was done with the mall for the day, although I did relish that final stroll through Macy’s at a nice, slow pace before exiting. Somehow I blend in better there and feel more at ease. Perhaps it is because of the slightly more up-scale (or at least better behaved) people generally found there.

Most people ignored me, or simply saw nothing out of the ordinary in my appearance. I was read a handful of times. The tough-guys working at the one kiosk, who made it very clear I was not welcome, reminded me of the very real dangers in simply going out into public en femme.

A long way to go
It was a bumpy ride at times, and almost disastrous, but another good learning experience. I accomplished another first as Gabrielle: my first purchase en femme. A small step perhaps, but progress nonetheless. This trek through the mall revealed that I am clearly not yet capable of effectively interacting with people randomly out in the wild. It is a skill that I’ll really need to work on as Gabrielle.

In regard to the sales employees who tried to intimidate me with their derogatory comment and dirty looks, I’ll share that account in full soon…

Update: Here’s the link to the story.

Related content: crossdressing in public

I’ve shown my therapist photos of Gabrielle a few times. In recent sessions, it’s felt like things may be winding down. I wanted him to meet Gabrielle in person before we parted ways. Without being asked to or making it known ahead of time, I decided to just show up as Gabrielle. This particular session took place a few weeks ago – I’m a little behind in my writing. Coincidentally, I have another session with him today, although I’ll be going as plain old Gabe and not Gabrielle.

Here we go again
So what happens in the reception area before even having a seat in the waiting room? I get laughed at… again. To date, my record is perfect – every time I’ve ventured out into public and interacted with people as Gabrielle, I’ve gotten laughed at. As it’s been mentioned before, I do not pass in person.

About the photo
The “metal hands” photo of me above was taken shortly after arriving home from my session. The top and boots are the same, however I changed from my lovely but movement-restricting pencil skirt into another skirt that was easier to walk in. I don’t yet have any photos of me in the pencil skirt. I thought the photo was fitting for this write-up as my trip to the therapist en femme was a generally positive experience, and that rocked. :)

Some trouble walking
The walk from my parked car to the building and into the office was uneventful. A woman exiting the building held the door for me as I entered, and I thanked her with a smile. There was one or two other people I passed in the building’s lobby area. No one looked at me funny, at least not from what I could tell. I had some trouble with the actual walking though. In an effort to stand out less in public, I attempted to tone down my (sexy) look by wearing a past-knee length pencil skirt. My outfit looked very nice but walking in a movement-limiting form-fitting pencil skirt for the first time was rather tricky. I’m not used to it and need more practice.

Enter the office
The receptionist was very kind to me. Polite, and smiling with genuine intent, she took care of business professionally. Of course, I’m not the first t-girl she’s seen. I should probably mention that my therapist is actually a full psychiatrist and shares an office with a few other psychiatrists. She’s been exposed to plenty and didn’t treat me any different than when I’m in guy-mode… except she did seem just a tad warmer to me somehow.

It felt odd having to identify myself as my man-side while I was en femme. After all, Gabe had the appointment, not Gabrielle. I used my feminine voice in dealing with her. Though it needs work, that is how I talk as Gabrielle.

Getting laughed at
As I dealt with the receptionist, another woman entered the office and stood in line behind me. When I turned to take a seat in the waiting room, her obvious smile was easily visible. With her hand over her mouth, she laughed quietly as she turned her attention from me to the receptionist. Being in a psychiatry office didn’t help much. I believe I understand her laughter. It probably wasn’t because she thought I looked terrible or funny (like a clown), but rather because she read me as a man dressed and made up like a woman. Being in a psychiatry office, her mind likely connected the “crazy” dots and formulated that I was a person with some serious identity (and gender) confusion issues, hence why I was there. Us “crazy” folk need proper looking after. ;)

Being laughed at is something I’m slowly getting used to. I’ve known since my first brief interaction with a fast food drive-thru attendant months ago, that this is how people usually react to people like me around here. I don’t like it, but so long as there is no accompanying ridicule or threat, it doesn’t bother me too much.

Over here, doc
When my therapist looked out into the waiting room to call in “Gabe”, it took him a moment to realize that I was Gabrielle. With only two people in the waiting room, the other being a genetic woman (not the one who laughed), it wasn’t too hard to figure out. As we entered his office, he mentioned that I dressed very nicely as Gabrielle. The compliment was much appreciated. Dressing casual en femme is not my thing, although it might be considered more “normal” to do so when venturing out into public (at least for day-to-day activities).

A very Gabi session
Having showed up en femme, this session concentrated entirely on this aspect of my life. We discussed a variety of things including: attending my high school class reunion en femme, my marriage, getting laughed at, time required for full transformation, and my behavioral differences.

As expected, he noticed the obvious personality differences from Gabe to Gabrielle, sighting that I even “talked differently” (using my femme-voice). We had previously discussed exactly where I fall (categorically) in the vast expanse of the transgender spectrum, but this was the first time he was able to see Gabrielle in action. As my wife has, he also commented that Gabrielle smiles a lot more than Gabe.

At the end of the session, my therapist asked if I wanted to exit via his private side-door, so that I would not have to go out back through the office and lobby of the building. I told him that I’d prefer to go out the same way I came in. I didn’t mind passing by people along the way… although walking in that pencil skirt wearing heels was still rather tricky.

A successful public outing as Gabrielle
It wasn’t much, but going to my therapist as Gabrielle was gratifying and gave me the opportunity to examine how I feel, move, and behave when interacting with others as such. It may seem odd to some – that I have to pay such close attention to my own behavior as Gabrielle, but that’s how I learn what’s working and what needs improving upon. As Gabrielle, I am not simply Gabe in drag, but rather existing in and exploring my feminine side. Because most of my life was spent trying to suppress it, it’s going to take some time to get worked out.

Not ready to call it a day
After arriving home and talking to my wife about my day thus far, I felt an overwhelming urge to get back out of the house. Where to go and what to do? My wife suggested that I head to a nearby mall – the same one that I’ve driven to a few times before (en femme), but never left the car out of the fear of being harmed. There are a number of closed-minded, tough-guy macho-types in my town and they don’t take kindly to people like me. It was early afternoon though. These guys should still be at work or in school. It should be relatively safe.

Deciding to head back out and visit a local mall, my day out in public as Gabrielle was not over, but this write-up is. Thanks for joining me for a while. I’ll fill you in on my first stroll through a mall en femme next time. It was a rather sobering experience…

Related content: crossdressing in public

My first official “vlog” (video web log). This was originally recorded on September 12, 2009, but it took a while to find the time to polish it up with some titles and music, and post it online.

Ever wonder what my femme-voice sounds like? Well, it ain’t very convincing. Not yet, anyway. But I’m working on improving it and practicing voice feminization techniques. I’ve got a long way to go in the voice department, but I don’t think you’ll find it too distracting.

In vlog episode 1, I discuss:

• My feminine voice (a work-in-progress).
• A failed outing (all dressed up with no place to go).
• Why I often record phone-videos in my bathroom.
• How people reacted to seeing me en femme at my high school class reunion.
• The fact that I don’t pass (in person) and why that can cause complications when venturing out in public en femme.
• My striped mini dress and outfit, head to heels.

My apologies for the poor video quality. After returning home from a failed outing, I wanted to capture a quick video of my thoughts. My phone was the most convenient video capture device handy – nothing to set up, no lighting to play with, etc. As with other phone-videos, this one was captured in (of all places) my bathroom. Want to know why I often record phone-videos in the bathroom? Well, it’s certainly not because of the scenery! lol I explain in the video.

Please take a minute to offer your feedback.
What’s your take on vlogging? Do you regularly watch other vlogs? Would you like to see more video content like this from me? It won’t replace my written content, but rather be offered in addition to. Let me know if the relatively blurry phone-video quality is good enough, or does it detract from the video as a whole?

It’s YouTube, not me.
Btw – I have no control over the suggested videos offered after mine finishes. I do NOT endorse any of them.

Related content: My YouTube Channel