I’ve just recently discovered your website and wish I would have earlier in my exploration of crossdressing. ;) I’m 18 now and have accepted who I am, been dressing up since I was young, 5 or 6. I’ve come to terms with a lot of stuff, and I’m no longer ashamed of who I am. I have a loving girlfriend for almost a year now who knows everything as well, she is very accepting and supportive =)

My problem deals with my sexual orientation, I know I’m attracted to girls, thus my girlfriend, but while dressed, I find I’m always craving guys, so for a while I just thought I was bisexual, until when I was 16 had my first relationship and sexual experience with a guy. Now he was a full time crossdresser, even during high school, I think that was the main attraction. I was so turned on being with him, and kissing him. Anything to do with touching or seeing his genitals didn’t turn me off, but didn’t turn me on. I love the feeling of anal sex (from a male), turns me on immensely.

So basically I’m kind of confused, I look at a normal guy and I’m not turned on, but I always find myself thinking about having sex with a male and strap-ons with my girlfriend just doesn’t feel the same. I know it’s a vague question as well, I’m still young and exploring and advice would be amazing :)

Angel

Being a teenager is tough, period. When social taboos and sexual orientation uncertainty comes into play, it can make life that much more confusing and stressful.

Social “norms” vs. reality
In terms of your sexual orientation, your confusion is probably the result of feeling out of sync with the “social norms” that have been etched into your brain since birth. Your feelings are in conflict with that which you have been taught is “normal” and/or “acceptable” within society, hence the uncertainty.

Sexual preferences
You’ve expressed being attracted to both men and women. The definition of “bisexuality” (taken from Wikipedia) is sexual behavior or an orientation involving physical or romantic attraction to both males and females.

In terms of being attracted to woman as a man (not crossdressed) and being attracted to and/or fantasizing about men when you’re dressed as a female (crossdressed) – I’ve read many accounts of this kind of sexual preference expressed by other crossdressers. Categorically, it still falls under bisexuality. Exactly “how it works”, applicable terminology and semantics are often discussed to great length in transgender communities and message forums. There is a rather complex array of attraction preferences that may be explored and debated. My assessment and opinion is based on the context expressed in your letter.

It certainly sounds to me like you’re bisexual. Maybe pause for a moment and ponder that reality for a bit. There are literally millions of bisexual people, a percentage of which are crossdressers, too. You’re not alone in how you feel about men and women, sexually. People like what they like. Being bisexual is nothing to worry about or stress over. It’s just a very common (even if not always popular) personal trait, shared by many people.

Regardless of how or when you prefer romance with a female or male companion, perhaps what is most important is simply being with someone you love, enjoy, and are compatible with, who feels the same about you. It sounds like your current girlfriend is a pretty awesome gal, based on the little you’ve written. I hope you appreciate her and let her know how much she means to you.

Sexual curiosity, fantasy and monogamy
Whether you are involved romantically with a man or a woman, many partners tend to prefer a monogamous relationship. If your girlfriend (or future lover, be it girl or boy) is expecting an exclusive/faithful relationship, then it really doesn’t matter if you prefer women sometimes, and men other times, because you’re already taken. Even for straight couples, the question of “I’m with this person, but I really like that person, too. What should I do…” often pops up. It doesn’t matter if you’re attracted to another woman or a man. Cheating is just that – cheating. Unless you’re in an open relationship (as in you both agree that seeing other people is acceptable), feel free to look around and fantasize, but you’d best remain physically and emotionally loyal to your girlfriend (or current partner).

It sounds like you’re pretty happy with your girlfriend, even though you have a craving for men at times. Straight, gay, or bi, very few people ever have the opportunity to experience every sexual fantasy they desire. I’ve fantasized about many, many women over the years – far too many to count or even remember. Being married, I still look at and admire other women (and always will), but my wife and I enjoy a monogamous marriage. Point is, everyone fantasizes. You just happen to fantasize about women and men, but again, that is just how it works with bisexual people, trans or not.

Fear of the unknown
If you find yourself wondering “Where is this all leading?”, be it your sexual preference, gender identity, or anything related – try not to worry about it. Perhaps easier said than done, but it’s good advice, nonetheless. Remove sexuality and gender from the equation, and understand that most people still wonder where things are going in their lives. There are a zillion things we all sometimes feel very uncertain about. That’s not unique to trans folk, bisexuals, or any other segment of the population. It is common for people to make a bigger deal out of things when gender identity and sexual preference come into play, but that’s mainly due to those things being (generally considered) outside social “norms”.

Plan for the future, but live in today
Here you are today – not necessarily a physical location, but rather simply your place in life as it stands at this point in time. Did you have a good day? Was there something (hopefully many things) that made you smile? Did you make anyone else smile? Who knows what the future holds for any of us: trans, straight, gay, bi, or anything else. Life is a journey – one that is very unique for each of us. Try to enjoy each little pit stop along your journey and don’t stress over where your path leads. Enjoy the happy moments that each day holds. We all have bad days and hard times, but try to concentrate on the good times. Don’t loose any sleep over social “norms” or exactly what category [whatever] happens fall in to. Just be yourself and be a good person. You may experience changes in how you feel about or view things over time. That’s a part of the growth and evolution process we all experience, regardless of orientation or gender.

Teen life is a strange, strange place to be, so try not to let thoughts of being “outside the norm” get the best of you. In a few more years, you’ll realize that you are, in fact, very normal… or that no one is truly normal… or probably both.

Good luck!
Relax and make the best of things as they are. There’s nothing wrong with you. Seriously! Not based on anything you’ve written. Take things one day at a time and enjoy being young.

 
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• Dear Gabi Advice Column
• Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page
• Crossdressing Myths & Misconceptions

Three years ago, I hooked up with my (yes, this is a cliche) High School SWEETHEART. We’re both in our late 40′s… divorced… kids… yawn yawn blah blah. He came out to me about 9 months after we re-initiated our relationship. He’s a cross dresser. Her name is Kelly. I am all for it. No problem. Be what makes you happy. Life is short. But it doesn’t always make him/her happy. He thinks he’s a freak. His ex never knew this about him. He’s known his whole life. What can I do to convince him that all is good… I love “them” the way they are. It’s now been 3 years. I moved from California to Michigan during an American financial crisis for “f” sake. I love him. Have since I was 14. I come from the land of fruits and nuts. I refuse to judge anyone… EVER!! Living in this closed minded world I have found Michigan to be is not an easy transition, so I understand his trepidation. HELP!! The people here have stunted his mental growth! He fights with me. When he’s Kelly… all is good until something (ie the door bell rings) sets him off. He becomes paranoid and rips away Kelly faster than you can sneeze. Then proceeds to be depressed for days! I have his back! He’s not alone anymore. What more can I do??

Lori

I understand you’re “crossdressing honey’s” troubles all too well. The debilitating insecurity and overwhelming fear of being “discovered” is something I struggled with for most of my life. I, too, once felt like a “freak” for being a crossdresser – but not anymore.

The feeling of being wrong in who I am, and intense fear of being discovered, was rooted in the very false premise that it is “wrong” to be that which is not widely understood or accepted by society on the whole. For the most part, we all grow up “learning” (the fallacy) that it is some kind of mental illness or perversion for a man to exhibit feminine traits. It lead to a strong sense of insecurity and self-hatred tied to this aspect of my life.

It took many years, but I finally came to my senses and realized that the real problem was not in me, but rather with how mainstream society views and treats differences in people. The root of my own misconceptions about myself (and that which makes life difficult for many people within the wide transgender spectrum) is the social taboo element. Remove the social taboo and terrible stigma associated, and I’m certain that about 99% of all “paranoid” crossdressers would suddenly become very NOT paranoid and begin experiencing a much more relaxed and gratifying experience in life.

I must express my respect and admiration for your take on things. Whether or not you fully understand how crossdressing works in Kelly, it is clear that you love her (and him) for being the good person she is – without judging or looking negatively upon personal traits that are not in line with what many consider to be “normal” (note the quotes). If only more people were willing to accept and respect people for who they are, the world would be a MUCH happier place. But you know the deal – misery just loves company!

Find the underlying cause
Question Kelly’s feeling of being a “freak”. Does she truly think of herself as a freak? Does she wish she was not a “freak”? If there was a magic pill that could remove the trans aspect from her array of personal traits forever, would she take it? Even if this has been discussed in depth already, get into it with her again. Be sure to ask these specific questions and take the time to explore all of associated feelings in depth.

After discussing the feeling of being a “freak”, begin exploring the reasoning behind it. Does Kelly feel like a freak simply for being trans, or is it more a matter of “fear of what others may think” if they found out? In my experience, it usually turns out to be the latter.

One good way to explore this is by discussing an alternate reality in which society has no problems with the vast differences in others. The argument that such a society “will never exist in our lifetime” is not relevant in this context. It is about exploring existence, albeit a fictional one, in a world that does NOT look down upon or treat people poorly for simply being different than the majority. The purpose of the exercise is to reveal the underlying thoughts and emotions associated with being trans without the negative social stigma coming into play.

The feeling of being a “freak” is often tied directly to the fear of what others might think and the potential for being treated poorly as a result. The reality is, Kelly has a beautiful gift. I do not state that in the way people often refer to those with mental retardation as being “special”. The term “special” to describe those with mental retardation is more of a politically correct motivated attempt at lessening the negativity associated with it. Consequently, many people (usually younger, immature) often use the word “special” to make fun of others, equating it with the general undesirability associated with “mental retardation”. I assure you that my use of the word “gift” to describe Kelly’s feminine side is offered in the truest and most sincere sense of the word.

Another gift mistaken for a curse
In my early grade-school years, my classmates picked up on the fact that I was more advanced (in terms of jumping ahead of lessons) than many of them. For this, I was often picked on, made fun of, and even pushed around (literally) for being “smarter” and favored by teachers. In my naive younger years, I really disliked being advanced for my age and being placed in the “smart kids” classes. I disliked it because of the negative social stigma attached by my peers. My level of advanced intelligence was, at no point, ever really a negative personal trait. Yet I was ridiculed for it and and had a difficult time dealing with all the negative attention from others. I hated being, you guessed it – DIFFERENT.

Popular misconception does not dictate true reality
It’s no secret that we live in a society that openly ridicules and punishes (in various ways) men for having the gift of femininity or not being “man enough”. Although it is true that a small minority of crossdressers do put forth a negative image and openly behave poorly (which is sadly what mainstream society often locks onto and remembers), the same also goes for any group of people. It was not long ago that black people were almost always presented in a negative light by the media and white society in general. The smaller minority of blacks who behaved poorly and committed crime took prescience in people’s minds over the vast majority of black people who lived as good-natured, law-abiding citizens. Why is that? Because in the 1950′s, much of mainstream (white) society wrongfully regarded the African race as inferior beings with little more to offer than poor behavior and menacing qualities. Did the fact that mainstream (white) society once truly believed, wholeheartedly, this unfair assessment ever make it true?

Thinking about things correctly
You’ve “got Kelly’s back” and that is so very important. You probably feel quite frustrated and helpless at times as Kelly’s personal insecurities do a terrible number on her ability to be happy and diminishes quality of life for the both of you.

The good news is that this can indeed be overcome, or at the very least, be managed better in time. The key that changes how Kelly feels, lies within Kelly herself. It is up to her, to make the necessary changes in how she thinks about this aspect of her being. All you can really do is work with her, much like you’ve been doing, and remain focused on (Kelly’s) thinking correctly.

Personal growth
In the past, my own insecurities related to being trans were so overwhelming and difficult to deal with – it almost destroyed me, quite literally. I went to great lengths to hide this from everyone I knew, including the therapist I saw for many years and even my own wife… until just a few years ago. The difficult process of correcting how I thought about things and unprogramming all of the lies that society filled my head with over the years was a journey I took alone. If I can do it all by myself, I am certain that you and Kelly can successfully work through things together. With persistence and continued (and frequent) attention spent on exploring the realities of being trans and acknowledging that the only real problem is in how mainstream society (incorrectly) views it, knowledge and reality will prevail over insecurity and idiotic social taboos.

Moving forward
I don’t have all the answers, Lori. Truth be told, no one does – no matter level of education or time spent studying any aspect of human psychology. We are a long ways away from fully understanding the complexities of human nature and emotions. We are each more than capable of making life changes and evolving though.

When you have a good block of time that can be devoted to quality discussion, please direct Kelly’s attention here. Sit with her and read through this together. If you have time before hand, perhaps browse through this site for a while and pick out some writing that seems most relevant to the troubles Kelly faces. I would suggest the Crossdressing Myths series as a starting point.

After quality time spent reading and discussing, ask Kelly if she thinks that I, too, am a “freak”. I am every bit the “freak” she is… or more accurately, like myself, SHE is every bit NOT a freak. I’d like to address directly now.

Dear Kelly
Life is short, Kelly. Do not waste it with the lies and misconceptions that your head has been filled with. Do not waste another minute being upset and depressed because of small-minded fallacies and the naive people who perpetuate such terrible ideas about crossdressers. We all must take a certain level of precaution to ensure our safety. Even though it should not be so, there are sometimes greater dangers abroad to those of us who are different. This is nothing new. Every once-oppressed group of people have had to overcome these obstacles in life. Live smart and take precautions, but try to ease up a little on the paranoia. I was once a total wreck. If I can come this far, then so can you.

It ain’t the end of the world
If you end up being discovered (or eventually decide to come out), it’s definitely not the end of the world. When I came out to much of my high school class at last year’s class reunion, the sun still rose the next morning – birds were chirping, flowers blooming, bills needed paying, and life went on after my little “secret” was well out of the bag. Life continues to go on with dozens (hundreds?) of people knowing exactly who I am – and many of them laughing to each other about it. Good for them, though. They’re the fools, not I. They pretty much dictated how I lived my life in the past because I let them. They have no bearing on my life today, and I wish them well.

A tough, but rewarding journey
There really is no such thing as reaching that “final destination” in terms of personal growth. So long as we live, we also experience, learn, grow, evolve, and (hopefully) make improvements in our lives along the way. We will always face hurdles that need to be overcome, but that is not unique to transgender folk. Everyone has their troubles. Everyone deals with insecurities. Everyone gets depressed. Everyone CAN make changes in their lives. So long as you have a pulse, you’re still in the game. You can choose to make life a more gratifying experience… or you can live in fear, allowing others dictate how you can/should live your life. That’s really up to you and I’ll not sugar-coat it.

Live your life according to who you are, and you just might achieve a real peace and happiness before your days are through. Live your life as others would “allow”, and you will forever exist in misery – much like those who would give you a hard time for being the person you are.

Do not loose sight of the fact that the pain you experience also causes pain in those who love and care for you. Lori obviously loves you very deeply. How deep does your love for her run? Don’t tell me about it – SHOW her. It all starts with a shift in thinking. That shift in thinking begins now.

Good luck
I wish you both all the best. Difficulties and struggles lie ahead, but the rewards for conquering them will be well worth the trouble. I promise you that.

Please offer your thoughts and experiences
I know many of you reading this can identify with the troubles Kelly is dealing with. What helped you work through your own insecurities? Is there any advice you can offer? Please take a few minutes to offer your thoughts to Kelly and Lori.

 
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• Dear Gabi Advice Column
• Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page
• Until Society Has Their Way With Them
• Crossdressing Myths & Misconceptions

I have just approached a therapist about some sessions as I feel my crossdressing is starting to effect my relationship. My girlfriend is understanding in a way but is still not overly keen.

It is just me who will be attending, as we both feel there are issues I need to address which could all be linked. Short temper for no apparent reason like I get really mad about the most silly things. My girlfriend thinks it’s always before I need to dress. She does not want to see me dressed though. I think I need to get a good understanding of why I need to dress other than “I love that dress!!”. I feel I’m rambling on a bit so apologies for that. I don’t wish for it to go any further than our home but I don’t want to always be alone when dressed but not sure she will ever want to get involved.

I just wondered what is the main objective of this type of therapy. I am nervous and not sure what to expect.

Best regards,

Tina

 

Going to see a counselor or therapist for the first time can be a little intimidating. That’s the bad news. The good news is, most counselors and therapists are very easy to talk to and do a fine job of putting clients at ease within minutes of the first session.

Unfortunately, not all therapists have your best interests in mind. Some can be condescending, belligerent, pushy, and tell you how you should live your life rather than allow you to reveal how you’d like to live your life. If you are not comfortable with your therapist after the first session or two, discontinue seeing them and seek out another. It is also important to be sure you’re seeing a therapist who is well experienced in transgender issues.

Make sure you’ve done your homework in choosing a therapist. There are still those who subscribe to the archaic notion that transgenderism (in all its forms) as some kind of “condition” or defect in need of a “cure” rather than a personal trait. I would equate that approach to trying to “cure” someone of being left-handed or having artistic tendencies. The former was actually still employed by grade school teachers not too many decades ago. Sounds silly now, but being left-handed was once thought of as some kind of “evil sign” or “abnormality” that should be overcome.

What to expect
In terms of the “main objective” for therapy, that is up to you. Discuss with your therapist whatever you feel needs attention or isn’t going well in you life. Be completely open and honest about your life and feelings. The therapist will listen to you and ask questions based on what you share. Their job is to bring out thoughts and feelings that you may not be looking at on a conscious level, hone in on problem areas, and help you figure out how to improve on things that need attention.

When you’re in session, treat it like a conversation and not a confessional. You’re not there to “confess” anything, but rather discuss your life and issues. Everything is confidential so you can talk openly and freely without fear of ridicule or any negative judgment.

You may find that some of your “issues” are not truly problems that need fixing, but rather just things you are self conscious about. Your therapist will help you explore these things.

Although I’m offering my personal insight on some of your concerns, these things should all be brought up and discussed in depth with your therapist.

Short temper set off by seemingly little things
I understand very well the feeling of restriction and anxiety brought on by periods of not being able to crossdress. It is a sentiment commonly shared and discussed in online crossdressing communities.

Perhaps it might help to break it down on a simpler level. Dealing with restrictions and lack of personal freedom in one’s life is often a heavy contributor of stress. Remove crossdressing from the equation, and it’s still pretty much the same. When people experience the feeling of constant restriction and lack of personal choice/freedom, it takes an emotional toll. It can cause a variety of negative reactions including, but not limited to, increased anxiety and irritability – two potent ingredients in a quick temper that is easily triggered by seemingly little things.

To reference the idiom the straw that broke the camel’s back, consider yourself a camel who’s back is already loaded up with emotional baggage (stress) because of your limitations in personal freedoms. In this case, crossdressing, or the inability to do so as often as you would like, may be a significant contributor to stress. Over time it builds up, until a point is reached in which that load of stress is a bit much to bear. Any additional “straw” tossed onto the already heavy load can cause the “back to break”, or inability to control one’s temper.

One of my personal theories on why crossdressing so relaxing and has stress relieving qualities is because it allows one to break free of the socially imposed restrictions of how a man must behave and/or appear. Increased personal freedom often holds the key to reducing one’s stress level. Most people take personal expression for granted because in most cases, it does not cross the social acceptance threshold.

A girlfriend that doesn’t want to see the feminine side of you
It sounds like your girlfriend is tolerant of your crossdressing to some extent, but may never completely warm up to it or choose to participate. If she prefers a man who is 100% masculine or lacking in any signs of “femininity”, there isn’t much that can be done about that. She’s allowed her personal preferences, just as we all are. At least she knows about this part of you, which is very important in any long term relationship that might someday lead to something more.

It is in your best interest (both of you) to discuss how this may affect your continued relationship over time. Do so when the time is right; in other words, when you understand this aspect of your life better. At the same time, you should probably not wait too long before getting into this with your girlfriend.

You should try to find out if she can ever be truly happy with a man who has a strong feminine side. If she needs her romantic male interest to be 100% masculine, then it’s not fair to her to remain in the relationship. You should allow her the opportunity to enter a relationship with a man who is more compatible with her personal interests/preferences on that level.

It is also not fair for you to have to settle for a woman who cannot love you fully and completely for who you truly are; in other words, a woman who will love you completely, and not just your man-side.

How would you feel about your girlfriend potentially never fully accepting this? How would you react if she were to some day proclaim that you have stop crossdressing or she’s leaving? How about the possibility that she may try to use this aspect of your life against you – in an attempt to embarrass you in the eyes of others, perhaps in order to gain compliance with her wishes? These are each real life examples of what regularly takes place in long-term relationships (often marriages) in which the woman is not accepting of her man’s feminine side. I strongly urge you to put serious thought into your future, and discuss with your girlfriend. Again, it’s not only unfair to you if she were to try and change you, but it is also unfair to her if she needs something in her man that you cannot adequately provide by design.

There are plenty of women out there who are, in fact, openly accepting of crossdressing men. Many also encourage and enjoy it. They’re not as easy to find, but it is something to think about. You may reach a point when you’d like to expand on this aspect of your life. I once believed it would be something I never shared with a soul, let alone do in public. Now my wife knows, is an active participant (and in many ways makes possible) this aspect of my life. I simply want to be able to be myself regardless of in-home privacy or out in public. There are several people I’ve come out to thus far.

I do not imply that the relationship with your current love interest is doomed to fail. There are plenty of happily married couples in which the woman is not an active participant in her husband’s crossdressing activities. So long as there is a mutual understanding and respect, things can work out well. Open, honest discussions with your girlfriend about things is what I recommend.

Why you “love that dress”
Being drawn to and/or exhibiting traits that are generally considered to be masculine or feminine is not dependent on one’s sexual organs. That is how it’s been treated in society for centuries, but that is not how it works in reality.

There has been change in the way society views displays of masculinity and femininity over the years. Women have won many freedoms in “masculine expression”. Having short hair, wearing pants, the right to an education and voting are some of the advances made by women. It is generally not even considered a sign of masculinity anymore for a woman to have short hair, wear pants, or even wear (only) men’s clothing (purchased from the men’s department in a retail outlet).

Although women have advanced, men have not. Any show of femininity, or non-masculinity, by men is generally regarded as a weakness and/or undesirable trait. This perception does not reflect the reality (as in, it is certainly not a weakness or flaw), but rather the current state of socially accepted “norms”.

Much of society still has a significant problem in accepting certain differences in people. Simply put, the divide between those who prefer more feminine looks and styles and those who do not, is not based on one’s genitalia, but rather one one’s being. Society (people) collectively decided how men and women should look and/or carry themselves, as in what is deemed “proper”. Nature made up how men and women truly are and feel inside. It’s a LOT more complex than that, but I’m trying to express a point in short, simple terms, without writing terabytes of data on the subject.

In short, you “love that dress” simply because you love that dress. It’s not too different than why a genetic woman loves that dress or those pants on sale, or shoes, or prefers short hair over long. It’s called personal preference and style… and it’s not based on, or limited to one side of the genetic gender divide, or the other, regardless of where the majority fall.

 
Related content:

• Dear Gabi Advice Column
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• Until Society Has Their Way With Them
• Crossdressing Myths & Misconceptions

Thanks for your page, I will be back to visit. I have dressed off/on since 5 years old. In an off phase went dated and married.

Had gotten back into and understand and accept now that it is part of me and great stress relief. Almost cost me my job due to poor reaction to stress.

I was trying to decide how to talk with my wife about it and left a journal site open. Now she knows before I was quite ready. I have seen your How to Tell Your Wife You’re a Crossdresser page but am looking for any other help tips there might be. If you have any, thanks.

I haven’t looked at everything here but your en femme pictures are awesome, you make very nice looking woman. If I can get half as cute as you I will be happy.

Good luck and enjoy in the future.

Sincerely,

Georgette

 

You’re off to a good start, even if it doesn’t feel that way to you right now. In accepting and embracing this aspect of your life, you have laid the foundation of stability on which to grow and evolve as a person. It’s healthier for one to allow oneself to be who they truly are rather than to deny or suppress it (barring circumstances that would be harmful to others).

In my opinion, it is best to share the truth with one’s spouse. We all have our personal matters of privacy. The difference between personal privacy and marriage-deal-breakers should be obvious between two people who know each other well enough to have tied the knot. If a marriage fails as a result personal disclosures, it is usually indicative of the fact it had a poor foundation to begin with (under false pretense). Concealed/hidden truths rarely make for a successful marital formula. I think you’re decision to tell your wife is the right call and a respectable move on your part. She deserves to know.

The worst takes place in your own mind
It is unfortunate that your wife discovered your feminine side before you were emotionally ready to disclose it – more so for you than for your spouse. The good news is, the fear and uncertainty you’re experiencing is probably more the result of over-thinking than anything else.

I understand you’ve been doing your homework and reading up on how to properly explain things to your wife. That’s a very intelligent move on your part and will benefit both of you. Concentrate your emotional energies on all that you’ve learned in your research and figure out how best to apply it to your own, unique situation.

It’s life as usual
Perhaps the best thing one can do after coming out to, or being discovered by their wife is to simply do nothing at all – at least at first. If the initial round of questions have been addressed, then you should give your wife some space and allow her ample time to process the information at her own pace. For many women, it can be a lot to take in, and understandably so.

This is where it can be difficult on your part, in terms of not quite being ready for this moment just yet. You might be filled with even more questions, concerns, and uncertainty than your wife. The fear and uncertainty a common emotion for those who are newly out to their spouse.

It is in your best interest to simply go about “life as usual” until your wife is ready to discuss things further and approaches you about it. This means do whatever you would normally do as if nothing has changed. Even if you’re not feeling the most confident inside, you had best put those feelings aside for now and put on a smile for the woman you love. Your wife has a lot to process and you need to let her know (by example) that everything is ok.

Danger, Will Robinson!
There is a trap that crossdressers often fall into – especially those who are newly out to a significant other. It’s what I call the “Is it because I’m a crossdresser?” syndrome. With the knowledge that your wife now knows about this aspect of your life, you may begin to question little things that were not much of a concern before. The reality is, people have disagreements and various ups and downs in their relationships. That’s the norm across the board. The fact that you’re a crossdresser has little (if anything) to do with that, except for in your own mind. If you ever find yourself wondering if something is wrong and ponder the question: “Is it because I’m a crossdresser?”, chances are, you’re just being paranoid. This is your que to immediately drop that thought process before you inadvertently stir up trouble where there was none to begin with. Your wife knows, and she didn’t run screaming or lay into you about it – that says a lot.

The marital trouble that occurs after coming out to (or being outed to) one’s wife is often the result of a paranoid transgender who has subconsciously instigated trouble all on their own. If you go looking hard enough for a problem in a specific area, you might just find what you were looking for… after having caused it yourself. It may not be easy, but take my advice when I say: do not go there. Should you find your thoughts dwelling on this paranoid line of reasoning, heed my warning.

It’s not the end of marital happiness if…
Your wife may end up understanding you better in time, and choose not to be an active participant in this aspect of your life. There is nothing that says she has to, either. This is a choice you must allow her to make for herself, and respect her decision should it be that of non-participation. It’s always more enjoyable when this can be shared between partners, but it’s not for everyone.

It’s not the end of the road if your wife doesn’t want to be take part of this aspect of your life. It is normal for wives and husbands to each pursue their own individual interests outside of that which they share with each other.

I am reminded of a popular tech podcast I enjoy. The podcaster eats, breathes, and lives tech. His wife does not. Their together life is pretty tech-limited. She has her thing, and he has his. Together they are a loving couple with other cross-over interests.

Being a tech-enthusiast is a very different animal than being transgendered. The point is that all married couples have their together-interests, and their separate-interests. It is up to each couple to settle upon that which is essential to share together, and that which can be enjoyed separately in order for the marriage to work best.

Take it easy and enjoy each moment for what it is
Sit tight, relax, and let things play out as they will. If you run into bumps along the way, do not stress. Bumps can be discussed and evened out later on. Be there for your wife and answer her questions with complete honesty. Don’t push her or rush anything. Above all – be the loving, caring, supportive spouse she’s always known and loved.

Good luck, and I wish all the best for you and your wife.

 
Related content: Dear Gabi Advice Column

Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page

 

Happy New Year 2010! I hope everyone enjoyed a safe and festive evening full of fun and laughter, among good friends and family.

The Mrs. and I were pretty low-key last night. It was just the two of us with no real plans for the evening. We enjoyed some TV together (a bit of Dexter season 3 on DVD) and took it easy. The fabulous Mrs. H. wasn’t feeling so fabulous (due to a visit from her monthly friend) and fell asleep well before midnight. I woke her with a gentle kiss and wished her a happy new year just before calling it a night and joining her.

Following the long standing tradition, many people will make new year’s resolutions with good intent, only to give up after a short period of trying. There are some very important resolutions I made this year. I pray that I have the strength to follow through with them.

The New Year’s cliche
One of the more popular new year’s resolutions is to go on a diet, loose weight, exercise more, etc. – call it the standard “get-fit-and-trim resolution”. It often doesn’t last as people quickly discover how time consuming and unpleasant getting in shape really is, not to mention the level of self-discipline required to maintain a healthy diet AND stick with the exercise regimen.

Staying fit and trim is a life-long commitment and there’s nothing fun or enjoyable about the process itself. The outcome is, of course, looking more attractive, feeling better and living healthier. I’ve always been able to stick with it, whereas so many others fail after what seems like only a halfhearted attempt. The main excuse is always the same: “I don’t have enough time.” Whether it be working long hours, raising kids, spending too much time watching TV, social networking and grazing on junk food while sitting on one’s ass, it always comes down to “lack of time”.

Never enough time
Even though I don’t buy that excuse from many people who toss it out there ever so quickly, I do fully understand the difficulties of living within tough-to-manage time constraints. That’s the story of my life – always so much to do, and never enough time. Even so, I always take the time to maintain physical fitness, often at the cost of letting other things slide.

Personal failures
Exercising daily is not something I enjoy by any means, but I keep at it. So many others do not, offering excuses to justify their failures. Fact is, there are many areas in which I fail miserably while others seem to have little problem, and that is where I find myself offering excuses. Of course, my excuses aren’t just excuses. They’re very real obstacles… aren’t they? That’s certainly how it feels. Perhaps this is how it feels to those who attempt dieting and getting in shape only to throw in the towel so quickly. A lot of people are, simply put: just plain lazy. I also think there are many who try very hard, only to run into what seems like serious and unbeatable obstacles in their lives.

A growing problem in my life
It is a little known fact that I am a foul-mouthed, quick-tempered hot-head in person. More accurately, my man-side, Gabe, is. As Gabrielle, I’m somehow more balanced and not as moody. Most of my time is spent in guy-mode however, and I have some serious anger management issues that have built up considerably in recent months. My out-of-control temper is mostly the result of misplaced anger. The real problem is stress caused by numerous factors in my life, and, dare I say – my lack of time and resources to deal with them.

My resolutions

• Manage my limited time more effectively. There’s never enough time to do it all, but with better time management and self-discipline, it will be possible to accomplish more in the time I do have and reduce the number of stressors that fuel my anger.
• Be mindful of angry feelings and hold my tongue before a stream of senseless profanities come out of my mouth at high decibels. It feels good to let it all out like that, but it has been causing serious trouble in my marriage and professional life and needs to stop.
• Focus and fully apply myself to the task at hand, rather than dwell on the problems I am powerless to change (at that particular moment). Deal with one task/problem at a time. Take things one day at a time.

What are your resolutions, if any?
Cliche or not, what are your new year’s resolutions? Have you chosen to make some changes and personal improvements? Have you abandon the whole “new year’s resolution” thing like many others? Please take a few minutes to share what you’ve got going on… and wish me luck on taming my own demons.

If you don’t have any resolutions to share, I’d still like to hear how you spent your new year’s eve, if you don’t mind sharing.

This is entry number 2 in my vlog (video blog) series. It’s been just over a month since my last vlog, so I thought it was about time.

In this installment, I talk about a personal struggle that’s been causing trouble in my life. A recent session with my therapist shed some light on a destructive obsessive cycle that’s been spiraling out of control for a few months now.

In vlog episode 2, I discuss:

• My recent troubles with overeating
• Obsessive over exercising to compensate for overeating
• Stress
• Lack of personal time
• Mario Kart Wii
• My number one video admirer (?)

Vlog #2, take two…
Once again, this was recorded using my phone’s low-end built-in video capabilities, so my apologies for the picture quality. I spent some time in front of a real video camera talking about things, but rambled on way too long and didn’t feel up to the time consuming task of chopping it all down to size. Somehow, talking to my phone cam in the bathroom keeps me more focused than when talking in front of a tripod-mounted camera in my makeshift studio.

A brief segment from the original recording session remains intact in the video – a little Mario Kart sight gag. It should bring a smile :)

Discussing personal struggles
We all have our problems in life to deal with. Even though I was caught in a worsening destructive obsessive cycle for months, it wasn’t until discussing things with my therapist that I full realized how bad things were. This may sound odd, but I was embarrassed to discuss this issue, and the many others I spewed out during my last session. That’s not necessarily a bad thing though. The embarrassment often helps me break free of the negative patterns I sometimes get trapped in.

There is also embarrassment in sharing my shortcomings in life publicly like this. So why do it? Sometimes humility is good. It can be a powerful motivator to change bad habits and replace them with new, healthy habits.

What works for you?
As pointed out, I’ll shame myself (sometimes publicly) into making positive changes in my life. It works for me. How do you motivate yourself to make changes when they become necessary? If you have any tips or tricks in that department, please share what works for you.

Just a reminder
I have no control over the suggested videos offered after mine finishes. I do NOT endorse any of them.

Related content: My YouTube Channel

I’ve shown my therapist photos of Gabrielle a few times. In recent sessions, it’s felt like things may be winding down. I wanted him to meet Gabrielle in person before we parted ways. Without being asked to or making it known ahead of time, I decided to just show up as Gabrielle. This particular session took place a few weeks ago – I’m a little behind in my writing. Coincidentally, I have another session with him today, although I’ll be going as plain old Gabe and not Gabrielle.

Here we go again
So what happens in the reception area before even having a seat in the waiting room? I get laughed at… again. To date, my record is perfect – every time I’ve ventured out into public and interacted with people as Gabrielle, I’ve gotten laughed at. As it’s been mentioned before, I do not pass in person.

About the photo
The “metal hands” photo of me above was taken shortly after arriving home from my session. The top and boots are the same, however I changed from my lovely but movement-restricting pencil skirt into another skirt that was easier to walk in. I don’t yet have any photos of me in the pencil skirt. I thought the photo was fitting for this write-up as my trip to the therapist en femme was a generally positive experience, and that rocked. :)

Some trouble walking
The walk from my parked car to the building and into the office was uneventful. A woman exiting the building held the door for me as I entered, and I thanked her with a smile. There was one or two other people I passed in the building’s lobby area. No one looked at me funny, at least not from what I could tell. I had some trouble with the actual walking though. In an effort to stand out less in public, I attempted to tone down my (sexy) look by wearing a past-knee length pencil skirt. My outfit looked very nice but walking in a movement-limiting form-fitting pencil skirt for the first time was rather tricky. I’m not used to it and need more practice.

Enter the office
The receptionist was very kind to me. Polite, and smiling with genuine intent, she took care of business professionally. Of course, I’m not the first t-girl she’s seen. I should probably mention that my therapist is actually a full psychiatrist and shares an office with a few other psychiatrists. She’s been exposed to plenty and didn’t treat me any different than when I’m in guy-mode… except she did seem just a tad warmer to me somehow.

It felt odd having to identify myself as my man-side while I was en femme. After all, Gabe had the appointment, not Gabrielle. I used my feminine voice in dealing with her. Though it needs work, that is how I talk as Gabrielle.

Getting laughed at
As I dealt with the receptionist, another woman entered the office and stood in line behind me. When I turned to take a seat in the waiting room, her obvious smile was easily visible. With her hand over her mouth, she laughed quietly as she turned her attention from me to the receptionist. Being in a psychiatry office didn’t help much. I believe I understand her laughter. It probably wasn’t because she thought I looked terrible or funny (like a clown), but rather because she read me as a man dressed and made up like a woman. Being in a psychiatry office, her mind likely connected the “crazy” dots and formulated that I was a person with some serious identity (and gender) confusion issues, hence why I was there. Us “crazy” folk need proper looking after. ;)

Being laughed at is something I’m slowly getting used to. I’ve known since my first brief interaction with a fast food drive-thru attendant months ago, that this is how people usually react to people like me around here. I don’t like it, but so long as there is no accompanying ridicule or threat, it doesn’t bother me too much.

Over here, doc
When my therapist looked out into the waiting room to call in “Gabe”, it took him a moment to realize that I was Gabrielle. With only two people in the waiting room, the other being a genetic woman (not the one who laughed), it wasn’t too hard to figure out. As we entered his office, he mentioned that I dressed very nicely as Gabrielle. The compliment was much appreciated. Dressing casual en femme is not my thing, although it might be considered more “normal” to do so when venturing out into public (at least for day-to-day activities).

A very Gabi session
Having showed up en femme, this session concentrated entirely on this aspect of my life. We discussed a variety of things including: attending my high school class reunion en femme, my marriage, getting laughed at, time required for full transformation, and my behavioral differences.

As expected, he noticed the obvious personality differences from Gabe to Gabrielle, sighting that I even “talked differently” (using my femme-voice). We had previously discussed exactly where I fall (categorically) in the vast expanse of the transgender spectrum, but this was the first time he was able to see Gabrielle in action. As my wife has, he also commented that Gabrielle smiles a lot more than Gabe.

At the end of the session, my therapist asked if I wanted to exit via his private side-door, so that I would not have to go out back through the office and lobby of the building. I told him that I’d prefer to go out the same way I came in. I didn’t mind passing by people along the way… although walking in that pencil skirt wearing heels was still rather tricky.

A successful public outing as Gabrielle
It wasn’t much, but going to my therapist as Gabrielle was gratifying and gave me the opportunity to examine how I feel, move, and behave when interacting with others as such. It may seem odd to some – that I have to pay such close attention to my own behavior as Gabrielle, but that’s how I learn what’s working and what needs improving upon. As Gabrielle, I am not simply Gabe in drag, but rather existing in and exploring my feminine side. Because most of my life was spent trying to suppress it, it’s going to take some time to get worked out.

Not ready to call it a day
After arriving home and talking to my wife about my day thus far, I felt an overwhelming urge to get back out of the house. Where to go and what to do? My wife suggested that I head to a nearby mall – the same one that I’ve driven to a few times before (en femme), but never left the car out of the fear of being harmed. There are a number of closed-minded, tough-guy macho-types in my town and they don’t take kindly to people like me. It was early afternoon though. These guys should still be at work or in school. It should be relatively safe.

Deciding to head back out and visit a local mall, my day out in public as Gabrielle was not over, but this write-up is. Thanks for joining me for a while. I’ll fill you in on my first stroll through a mall en femme next time. It was a rather sobering experience…

Related content: crossdressing in public

I did not nor do I now understand crossdressing. I was raised very religiously and naive as to what the world’s about. When I met my husband, 30 years younger than me, his mom would say that once we got together his bisexuality and crossdressing would not be there, but to my horror it was an every day thing and that he wanted to be a girl.

I’ve tried for all these years to deal with it give him some of my clothes, watch porn, deal with him chatting with his gay and crossdressing friends that don’t understand where I’m coming from. I’m severely depressed and this has only driven me farther and farther into it. I had problems before but this has escalated it.

After his mom’s death he wanted to start it up again and I said no. For the first time in our marriage he’s talked about it, now wants to go on with his life as were separated, and moving in with another bisexual and soon there will be a relationship there. He led me to believe that we could work things out sometime in the future but hit me with separation (same as a divorce) and he’s moving on and being what he is. This has torn me up and anxiety depression and feeling inadequate and the scum of the earth.

I’ve asked the docs and therapists for help it’s not enough. All I do is cry and feel like a complete failure. Even though I should just not talk to him and cut the ties, I can’t do it. My love is so deep and yet it’s obvious he only used me for money and getting what he wants. I’m not trying to step on any toes here, I just don’t understand and it’s messed me up so bad I can’t function. I have serious health issues and yet I can’t get disability and I’m on Lexapro and Clonazepam, but they’re not working. They won’t let me see another doctor or counselor and tell me to deal with it.

The same as my husband tells me about his crossdressing and bisexuality, the only support I have is my family and friends who think he should’ve been honest before we got married when he only wanted to talk when he was in my clothes! That’s not the time to talk to me about it. This is a lot of info and I’m sorry. I’m trying whatever I can to get help to get understand and I’m tired of hearing it’s not me. I feel after this being the 3rd marriage and other relationships have gone bad and left me with feeling very inadequate, I’m a failure and shouldn’t have been born.

Thank you for at least listening.

Chris

I am so sorry to hear about your failed marriage and painful emotional struggles. There is nothing I can say or do that will heal your broken heart, but I may be able to at least shed light on some things that don’t make sense to you.

Crossdressing is different from one person to the next, therefore I cannot adequately spell it out in simple, logical terms. In general, it’s a man’s need to express his feminine side. Like being left-handed or naturally athletic, it’s a personal trait and not something that goes away or can be “cured” any more than one can “cure” being left-handed.

Bisexuality is a person’s attraction to and romantic interest in both sexes. It is not linked or directly related to crossdressing. Most crossdressers are, in fact, heterosexual men with no romantic interest in other men whatsoever. Most gay and bisexual men are also not crossdressers. Sometimes crossdressers happen to be gay or bi, and sometimes gay or bi men happen to be crossdressers.

May-December romance is tricky at best, depending on the age discrepancy. Romantic relationships between couples, in which the age difference is significant, tend to have less of a survival rate than couples who’s age does not differ greatly. The 30 year gap between you and your separated husband is pretty significant. Although age difference alone does not necessarily mean a relationship is doomed to fail, it certainly plays a considerable role.

I understand that you knew little to nothing about crossdressing or the significance of one’s sexual orientation before getting married. It was ignorance on the part of your husband’s mother to suggest it would go away once the two of you got married. Marriage does not change one’s sexual orientation/preference or their need for feminine self-expression.

It was admirable of you to try and be open to your husband’s crossdressing and sexual interests. Unfortunately, his desires (and perhaps needs) went well beyond just crossdressing and porn. You should not see this as a failure on your part because it has nothing to do with who you are as a person, and everything to do with what your husband wants and needs in his life. In other words, do not blame yourself for your husband’s behavior.

I can’t help but wonder if your husband may be more of a transsexual than a crossdresser based on your saying “he wanted to be a girl.” If that is the case, it is likely he has felt this way for a long time. Crossdressing and transsexualism are two very different things. Although both may involve the act of crossdressing (as in someone who is genetically male dressing as a female), the motive for doing so differs. Both are also very complex subjects and explaining the differences is better suited for a series of lengthy books.

You are absolutely correct in that your husband should have been more honest with you about his long-term interests and desires. Life is a discovery process however, and it’s possible that he may not have understood these aspects of his own life when the two of you were engaged to be married. Regardless, he was not as open and forthcoming with you as he should have been. This is, unfortunately, somewhat common among transgendered people. The fear of rejection compiled with the desire to live a “normal” life often keeps people from being completely honest about these things prior to marriage. It doesn’t make it right, but it does explain why it happens.

Marriages do not fail because of crossdressing or sexual orientation. They fail because of compatibility issues, lack of respect, and poor communication. In your story, I see some significant compatibility issues, and lack of communication. The respect factor is debatable and unclear in your letter, but the other two shortcomings are more than enough to cause a break up. For a marriage to work, both parties need to be equally committed and devoted to making it work. Both have to want it to work.

Although you have expressed difficulty in letting go of your husband, it is probably in your best interest to do so. You cannot hold on to a man who does not feel for you, as you do for him. It’s not healthy and nothing good will come of it. The sooner you let go, the sooner you can begin to heal and move on with your own life. You deserve a man who loves you completely and can commit himself to you in a monogamous relationship. Do not settle for less.

Before attempting another relationship, I suggest you work on your severe depression and low-self esteem. Depression, low-self esteem, and insecurities will cause serious trouble in any relationship. Failure to get these issues under control prior to entering another relationship will only result in another heart break.

There is no easy fix for depression, but it can be managed if you choose to work at it. Your solution will not be found in a pill or therapy alone. Medication and counseling can help, but the rest is up to you. Understanding this important point may be your first step to true recovery.

You’ve been through some difficult times and I hope that you’ll not think poorly of all crossdressers because a single man, and/or his friends. I am a heterosexual crossdresser in a monogamous and committed relationship with my wife. She knows all about my crossdressing and enjoys this aspect of my life with me. Of course, not all women will enjoy being with crossdresser. If the idea of crossdressing in and of itself is not a desirable quality in your eyes, that’s fine. Lucky for you, most men are not crossdressers. Everyone is allowed their opinion, but you should not sum up all crossdressers poorly because one caused you pain and suffering. Every group has its bad examples. Most of us are good, devoted husbands and fathers who are completely committed to our wives and families.

You’ve got some rough times ahead, Chris. I hope you will choose to overcome your troubles and move on with your life. The pain you feel will not be there forever. You’re old enough to understand that. This is a temporary state and you will come out of it stronger and wiser for the experience. You’re a good person and deserve to be happy. Do not place your self-worth on the success or failure of a relationship, but rather on your own good qualities. I believe in you, Chris. It is time to believe in yourself.

 
Related content: Dear Gabi Advice Column

Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page

 

I have been dressing since my early youth… 5, again at 8 and again at 12 and pretty much weekly after that I am 51 years old and married with one 5 year old child at home. I only wear panties here at home for that is all I own… no male briefs… nada. My wife knew of my crossdressing before we were married and accepted me. My problem now is that I can not dress any longer at home because of our child, so I take it elsewhere. Mainly to a gay friends house . I am hetero and my friend hits on me all the time as Debbie but never as Dave. For the past 3 – 4 years my dressing en femme has become very aggressive, and honestly that is all I want to do. I am at a point right now in that I would like to start hormones and transition to female, for that is who I truly feel inside. Dave has only been there out of fear, and to take care of his family. I actually get very depressed if Debbie does not get to play and even am Bitchy. I feel the urgency more so in my life today than I did years past. What to do? Debbie is who I befriended in my adolescent years and have came to love immensely. Even my family. Sisters, love having Debbie around to go out with and such.

Gabi, having said all of that, am I terribly wrong with wanting to be the person I feel that I really am? I am very confused, and the BATTLE is RAGING within! I just want to add a bit extra… I have not had sex for almost 6 years with any person, for I know it is a WANT and not a NEED, and Debbie does not like her plumbing either! I do not dress to play and masturbate…I dress for I am very comfy as Debbie and often Debbie will grab her purse and hit the streets to shop till she drops!

What is your take Gabi?

Debbie Daniels

You certainly have some complex issues weighing heavily on your mind. It sounds to me like you’re struggling with the role you currently play in life vs. who you’d like to be (as in full-time Debbie). The question that leaves me with is what role do you see yourself playing if you woke up tomorrow as post-SRS Debbie?

I am guessing that you’ve been free to crossdress and express yourself as you choose (at least on your own time) for most of your adult life. With your femme-time considerably restricted and (presumably) reduced for the last several years, I can understand your depression and feelings of irritation. When that which makes us feel like ourselves has been taken away or greatly restricted, it can take an emotional toll and manifest itself in various negative ways.

Your wife knew about and accepted Debbie before marriage, but how does she feel about your femme-side today? Did you mutually decide that your child should not be exposed to Debbie? Should you undergo SRS, what will have changed (aside from the obvious) that will allow you to then be yourself (Debbie) at home and around your child?

Your described “aggressive” crossdressing as of late may be the result of not being able to do so with the freedom you once enjoyed. Your desire to transition may be the need to become psychically who you feel you truly are inside. It might also just be overcompensation for the current lack of freedom to explore your feminine side.

When your friend hits on you as Debbie, does it fill a void currently lacking in your marriage? You describe yourself as heterosexual, so I imagine you have no romantic interest in your friend, but the attention probably plays a role in making you feel better about yourself as Debbie.

In my understanding, transsexuals generally feel, from an early age, they were born with the wrong sexual organs and/or in the wrong body. It seems like you are coming to this conclusion much later in your life than most.

Do you think that maybe the positive attention you receive as Debbie, lack of sex, and frustration in not being able to express your feminine-side at home could be the major factors in your desire to transition? Might things improve if you and your wife simply allowed Debbie to be a part of your home life again? Does Debbie’s plumbing truly feel wrong, or is she just frustrated by the lack of sex and personal freedom? Have you considered how sex might be with a vagina rather than a penis?

Undergoing the process of sex reassignment surgery is a very serious change in life. Under the right circumstances, it can offer people the opportunity to be physically who they have always been inside.

Psychological counseling is usually required in order to begin hormone therapy and start the process of transitioning. I advise you to seek out such a therapist (with proper training in this field) and discuss your reasons for wanting to undergo SRS. Most physicians won’t consider performing SRS until the patient has undergone the proper therapy and lived their life as the desired sex for at least one year prior.

You ask, “Am I terribly wrong with wanting to be the person I feel that I really am?” We all have the right to pursuit of happiness in life and that includes being ourselves (or who we feel we are). If Dave is only “there out of fear, and to take care of his family”, have you thought about life after transitioning? Will Debbie be there to take care of her family?

I don’t think it’s about being right or wrong in your desire to be who you feel you are, but rather a matter of where you want to be in your life, what you need to do to achieve that goal, and what it means for you and your family.

 
Related content: Dear Gabi Advice Column

Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page

 

Most of my life has been spent analyzing and trying to figure out what this all means. Confusion, guilt, low self-esteem and depression used to be the status quo for me. It’s been a long, difficult journey to self-acceptance and inner-peace, one that I almost didn’t survive, but I made it and learned a wealth of knowledge along the way.

This website was started with the intent to educate people about the realities of crossdressing and dispel the negative cliches and myths. I try also to offer insight and guidance for crossdressers who are dealing with their own issues and generally don’t feel good about themselves because of this aspect of their lives. Publishing an advice column seems the next logical step. It will allow the opportunity for an additional level interaction and communication with visitors.

A Dear Gabi link has been added to the navigation bar up at the top. Questions can be submitted using the form on that page. The content of the submission page may go through updates as things get ironed out, but it’s a good starting point. I encourage you to take a look.

Many people believe that everything in life happens for a reason. I can’t say that I believe the hardships suffered in my life happened for any particular reason – they just happened. Rather than feel sorry for myself in reflection of my past, I’ve chosen to make use of the knowledge acquired during my struggles.

Some of my best writing is the result of answering specific questions people have asked either via e-mail or in online message forums. It forces me to look deep within my own thoughts, understanding of life, and personal experiences to extract knowledge that I might not have otherwise gone looking for on my own.

Several weeks ago, I tested the water for this idea with a question sent to me by a visitor (with her permission). This post is in essence, my first published Dear Gabi Advice Column.

How often the advice column will be published depends on the number of requests received and the amount of time I can devote to properly addressing them. I don’t have all the answers – no one does, but I can offer compassion, understanding and direction to those who find their way here.