It’s been one year since the opening first post was made here on myCDlife.com. This “one year” post happens to be the 111th published to date, which fits in nicely with the “one” theme.

If curiosity piques interest enough to look back at some of the early posts, you will notice that many of them were not crossdressing related. One of my initial ideas was to simply share with visitors, the life of a crossdresser (me), specifically to illustrate the fact that, for the most part, trans-life isn’t very different than the “norm”.

Being a crossdresser doesn’t mean that life is all about lipstick, fashion, heels, stockings and wearing dresses. I think there is a perception to many (non-trans folk) that this all crossdressers ever think and talk about. Although that may be the case for some, it is certainly not how it works in my life or the lives of several others I’ve gotten to know, including many who regularly blog about crossdressing. The trans-related posts drew more interest than the non, so I settled into a routine of concentrating more on that end of things over time.

Many of my original plans for this site were never realized, mainly due to lack of time and resources. Even so, I’m happy to have accomplishd at least some of my goals: educate visitors about the realities of crossdressing, make a positive difference in the lives of people who struggle with this aspect of their lives, share some of my own related struggles/stories, and have some fun along the way.

Having this online presence has allowed me the opportunity to interact and share ideas with some unique and interesting transgender people, from crossdressers to transsexuals. The diversity within the vast transgender spectrum is extensive and I’ve enjoyed learning about the wide array of differences while celebrating what we have in common. Although not as great in numbers, I’ve also had the pleasure of interacting with non-trans folk, too – mainly family and loved ones there of.

I don’t know what year two will hold for myCDlife.com. Even though I have trouble keeping up with things due to lack of personal time, I’d like to see it continue, if only on a limited basis (in terms of new content updates). There are more crossdressing myths to bust and countless other aspects & ideas to explore.

I’d like to thank everyone for visiting this site over the past year and hope you’ll continue to do so in the future. It’s been my pleasure and an honor to be your humble myCDlife.com hostess. Thank you so much for your time, attention, feedback, and sharing a little about yourself in return.

If you wouldn’t mind sharing, what have you enjoyed most about my offerings here? How did you discover myCDlife.com? Is there anything in particular you’d like to see more of? What would you change, if anything? Please take a moment or two to share.

I came across this in a local paper. It has not been doctored up. This is exactly how it appears in the full page ad. It clearly illustrates the evolution of man is, in fact, crossdressing… or so it is in the automotive business. Hey – it’s a start, right?

As crossdressing grows in popularity in the automotive business, it will also soon spread to other industries. The business world can be pretty cut throat, with a growing emphasis on the word “pretty”. It’s about time crossdressing entered the mix.

Suit-up, folks… er, make that, skirt-up if you want to climb that corporate ladder. The old school businessman in a suit and tie is going the way of the dinosaur. As they die-off and fall out of power, they’re quickly being replaced by smarter, more innovative people with much better taste in clothes. Make way for a new era of smart, sexy, stylish and powerful corporate leaders known as the businesstrans.

Of course, the ad in the paper refers not to crossdressing, but rather the rise of women in positions of power. Perhaps in time, the ‘businesstrans” will replace the businessman though. Many crossdressers already own their own business. I’ve been in touch with several personally. Of the ones I know, it is the man-side that takes care of the business end of things. Personal appearance still holds a lot of weight in the business world, and today, the prettier side of things is still less attractive in the eyes of many would-be clients. That will change in time though.

For those of you who fall under the category of “businesstrans”, do you take care of (face-to-face) business in guy-mode, or en femme? Where do you see the “evolution of man” going in the business world? I know where I’d my own (business) evolution to go. Whether or not I’m smart enough to pull it off has yet to be determined. What’s in your business future when it comes to gender expression or just feminine fashion?

My wife just found out I am a cross dresser (I have been as long as I can remember…), and reacted very badly. I don’t know where else to turn… none of my friends would understand, and I still think most of them would not speak to me again if I told them…

My beautiful, brilliant wife, the love of my life, and the only person I would ever want to spend my life with, has told me she would have stopped dating me if she knew I was a crossdresser, and has told me she will never be able to deal with me being a crossdresser… she has done the research, she understands I am hetero, and not gender confused, but she says she just cannot deal with me being a crossdresser… she has told me that one of us has to move out, that she will not change her mind, and that she will never be okay with this…

I have a beautiful family, and I don’t want my son and daughters growing up in a broken home! But I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say to make it better, to make her understand I am still the same person!

You have already been so much more help than I could ever have expected, and I don’t even know what I am asking you for… There is no magic word or phrase that will make this all okay, I know that… I guess it just hurts so much and I needed to vent and I just don’t have any other place to go… This is just so hard, and I don’t know what to do…

Nora

 

I am sorry to hear about your troublesome situation. My heart goes out to you.

It is not uncommon for wives to react badly at the discovery of their husband being a crossdresser. Sometimes couples can work things out and reach a mutually agreed upon understanding. Sometimes marriages fail, families are broken, and life goes on.

Secrets are generally bad
As much as it pains me to hear about your story, and those who share a similar tale, I think it is important to keep in mind a rather important mistake that was made. We all keep secrets – it’s part of our nature to maintain a certain level of personal privacy. The difference between a harmless secret and potentially harmful one can vary from one situation to the next. Sometimes that difference is learned the hard way.

Like many crossdressers, you chose to keep this aspect of your life a secret from your wife. The reason for doing so is completely understandable. Confusion, embarrassment, the fear of being rejected and everything in-between can act as powerful motivation to keep this a carefully guarded secret.

Regardless of motivation and the seemingly justifiable reasons, intentionally keeping a secret from one’s wife-to-be, presumably out of fear that she may decide to beak up if she knew of it, is not a good move. It’s also not fair to an unknowing partner. The same would be true if a woman kept a deal-breaking secret from her husband-to-be.

All marriages experience troubles
This is still fairly new to your wife. It may be possible that her initial reaction of “I can’t deal with this” and “never being ok with it” is something that will become less a matter of “never” and more “I need to think about this” as time passes. This kind of thing can require some time to fully digest for many people. It is not something that much of the population truly understands, though they may be aware. Even if your wife does comprehend some key aspects, her mind may still be filled with misconceptions and the abundance of popular negative cliches.

Not all marriages are doomed to fail when one party expresses the need to live apart from the other. This can sometimes help put things in perspective by allowing time and privacy to sort things out alone. It can lead to a new beginning and rediscovery of each other. Although it can sometimes be the first step down the road to divorce, try to focus potential positives until there is clear reason not to.

Some women enjoy it, some are indifferent, and others are repulsed
One key factor in determining where things might lead is to figure out why your wife feels the way she does about crossdressing. Some women express an extreme dislike (or even hatred) for crossdressing essentially because of the the negative social stigma attached. They fear what others may think if they find out, and do not want to be ridiculed for having (what they may feel is) anything less than 100% man for a husband. If her “never accepting” your crossdressing is based on her fear of what others may think, more than anything else, that may be a good thing. Her fears might be put at ease over time, leaving the possibility for acceptance.

Even if your wife never fully warms up to the idea of you being a crossdresser, she may eventually be ok with things to some extent so long as you keep it private and out of her sight and mind. I know of several crossdressers who’s wives are aware of, but do not participate in their crossdressing activities at all. They each enjoy a happy marriage by agreeing that crossdressing is kept separate from and does not involve their wives. Not all married couples share all of their personal time together, nor personal activities of interest. In that regard, this is no different. While it may not be an optimal situation, it can be manageable and the marriage can go on with love, understanding, and happiness intact.

Some women are just plain repulsed by the idea of any femininity in their man, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It has little to do with social taboos and fear of what others think, and everything to do with their personal preference in men. Everyone is allowed their preferences. The very thought of a man being feminine may be a complete and absolute turn off, sexually and beyond. There is little that can be done to change what people’s personal preferences are, nor should one try to.

Family first
It is understandable to not want one’s children growing up in a broken home. This particular concern is a good point to bring up with your wife. Is she willing to set aside her dislike of your feminine side and consider the needs of your kids first? This point should not be used to twist anyone’s arm, but is valid discussion material when the possibility of not being able to live together has been communicated. The discussion should be centered around what is best for the children. They are not possessions or bargaining chips to manipulate emotions with, but rather young people who’s future is at stake.

If this cannot be resolved in the initial conversation, agree (to each other) to sleep on it, even if it be in separate rooms for now. While your wife is taking the time to consider the effect of a broken home on your children, she may also cool down to some extent about your crossdressing. How she feels in the end is greatly dependent on whether her dislike of it is rooted in the negative social stigma, or the fact that she simply is not romantically interested in a man with a feminine side, period. The latter, of course, carries with it heavier complications.

Nothing has changed, but everything is different
Even though you’re the same person she fell in love with way back when, your wife’s perception of you has probably been damaged by the thought of you having a feminine side. If she needs her man to be 100% masculine, there is little you can do to change how she feels. Even if you “successfully” gave up crossdressing (at least in the physical sense), it would be similar to treating a life threatening wound with a temporary bandage. In time, your need to essentially be yourself will take a toll on your emotional state, should you try to repress it. The personal conflict and misery it causes within you will manifest itself in various negative ways and only create more trouble later on. Any sense of “this is the right thing to do to save your marriage/family” you may feel in purging will probably be short lived in the grander scheme of things. Keep in mind that one should not need or attempt to change who they are when there is nothing wrong in the first place.

You and your wife both deserve to be happy. True happiness cannot be built on the idea of changing who someone is – either your wife’s dislike of a man being feminine, or your need to explore your feminine side. If it cannot be with each other, at least allow yourself to consider the idea that happiness can and will be achieved apart, each with new love interests.

Divorce isn’t the end of the world
I certainly hope that you and your wife can patch things up and keep the whole family together under one roof. If by chance, the marriage is not salvageable, there is a silver lining amidst the pain and suffering. In time, you will indeed meet a new love – one that truly loves you for who you are, completely, and not just a part of you.

According to statistics, about 50% of marriages end in divorce. I’m not sure what percentage is due to the discovery of crossdressing, but it is sometimes a factor. Most marriages come to an end due to incompatibility issues, regardless of what they may be.

If it is not possible to patch things up
If divorce ends up being the final chapter in your marriage, do not feel that your crossdressing is to blame, or that it should paint you in a bad light in the eyes of the law. Your withholding this information prior to marriage may have played a significant role in the split, but do not allow anyone to ever suggest anything more than that. Being a crossdresser does not make one unfit to be a responsible, loving parent. Being a crossdresser does not necessitate that you should be the one to move out of the house by default. Simply being a crossdresser does not equate to you being a bad person in any way, shape, or form.

This aspect of your life may come out during divorce proceedings. It is something to prepare for rather than worry about. Find a therapist who has experience in transgender issues (and is held in high regard within the profession – do your homework before choosing). Get evaluated and have documentation ready to show the court that you are in no way a threat to your children, or unfit to be a parent because of this.

Be prepared for the possibility of your friends finding out. In worst case scenarios, some wives try to bully their soon to be ex-husband into submission with the threat of outting them to their friends and family. Give a bully an inch, and they’ll wring you for all that you have. Some of your friends and family may disassociate themselves from you. You will gain new friends in time – friends who love and accept you as you are, and not just for some facade they’re comfortable seeing. Don’t forget that some friend/family may react poorly at first, and have a change of heart after things settle in. They will discover that you’re still the same good person they’ve always known and loved.

Tough times ahead
Whatever the outcome, keep in mind that the pain and suffering you are experiencing now is only temporary. It may not feel that way today, but it will indeed pass. However things go, you will emerge from this as a stronger, wiser, and better person.

What is important is weathering the storm, and reclaiming your life. You can and will do just that. It may not be easy, but it is absolutely attainable. Be it with your wife, or with a new love in the future, you will experience happiness once again.

Good luck
Hang in there and don’t loose hope. I wish you and your family all the best.

Offer your input to help a struggling family
I would ask those of you who have been where Nora is now to please offer your input. If you were able to work things out, what seemed to help the most? If things didn’t work out, can you share any insight or important lessons learned? How did you ensure the best possible arrangement for your kids if there was a divorce? What advice can you offer up that you wish someone could have suggested to you?

 
Related content:

• Dear Gabi Advice Column
• Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page
• How to Tell Your Wife You’re a Crossdresser
• Crossdressing Myths & Misconceptions

Happy Valentine’s day, folks! I hope you’re all enjoying some quality time with a special someone.

I took my wife, the fabulous Mrs. H. out to a nice dinner yesterday. We thought we were being smart going out to dinner a day early and beating the Valentine’s Day crowd. We even went out for an early dinner, just in case. Early or not, it was still quite packed. It was still a smart move, though. Our waitress explained to us that Valentine’s Day is their busiest day of the year, right up there with Mother’s Day. Packed as it was, the wait to be seated was a whole lot longer for those poor folks who were just arriving when we left. Kind, courteous, and attentive, our waitress did a great job given the stress load she was under, and earned herself a good tip from yours truly.

On this day last year, Mrs. H. bought matching lingerie for her and I. It was the first Valentine’s Day we enjoyed together after coming out to her, and probably the coolest related present I’ve ever gotten from her. Sorry, folks. No photos of us in our lingerie together.

Valentine’s Day is the biggest holiday for flower vendors and candy makers – it is their Christmas, but I am a little puzzled by something. On Christmas, the biggest holiday for buying tech-related gifts for people, the price of big screen TV’s, cameras, laptops, and the latest gadgetry usually drops. Why is it that on Valentine’s Day, and leading up to it, that the price of flowers doubles and even triples depending on the source? I’m not really puzzled, by the way. In economics, it’s called supply and demand, but it seems like the “day of love” is just another good excuse for suppliers to get grrrrrrreedy (yes, I said that like a pirate). Perhaps because of their love of the “green” (or whatever color your currency is depending on location).

For those who are single today, I’m sorry… or congratulations – whichever you feel is most applicable. It can be a lonely holiday for single folks, but it is also a LOT less expensive. ;) If you’re lonely – just keep your mind on that silver lining. I’m not lonely… but my pocketbook feels a lot lighter right now. Then again, all the money in the world would not bring an ounce of happiness in my life without my lovely wife to share it with.

How did/will you spend Valentine’s Day this year? What was the coolest gift you either gave and/or received from your spouse?

Advancing technology opens up doors to new possibilities all the time. When it works, technology offers some powerful tools for productivity and artistic expression. Unfortunately, sometimes the very technology that is supposed to enable almost limitless potential, can instead stand in the way of accomplishment.

On Saturday I recorded what was supposed to be vlog entry #4. When it came time to edit the video into a more polished presentation, some serious road blocks got in the way. What should have required only a handful of hours to complete, quickly turned into a loosing battle against my glitchy video editing software. Attempting to salvage something usable from the failed project, I ended up with some new creative ideas – things that might not have come to mind had my stubborn video editing software cooperated with me.

One of my biggest pet peeves is anything that wastes my time. Free time is an elusive beast in my life these days. Mine might have been better utilized had I focused on something a little more straight forward. Instead, I spun my wheels while trying to get my video app. to do what it was supposed to be able to do, but refused to.

When it comes to video blogging, most people take a simple approach: record oneself talking to the camera and then publish the video with little or no editing. It’s basic, easy, effective and doesn’t require much of a time investment. Of course, I am not like most people. I usually prefer to dress up my videos, if only a little. Video production is somewhat of a creative outlet for me and I enjoy stretching my creative muscles. Whether or not I’m any good at it, creative expression is an essential part of my life.

All dressed up with no place to go, I shot some video to share that moment in time with others. There was no important message to deliver in the video, it was a simple chat session and supposed to be fun.

Even if no presentable video results from my efforts this past weekend, at least I ended up with a handful of decent images, including the photo used in this article. It is a still frame from the raw footage that has been transformed into a simple artistic expression of a failed video presentation.

Sometimes less is more. In this case, the single image is more effective than the thousands that would have made up the final video.

There isn’t anything really outstanding about the photo used in this post. I just liked how I looked in that moment and it seemed to provide a fitting expression in light of my uncooperative video tools. The “cut-out” look against video-static was a quick solution to an othetherwise plain, blah-background, and fitting to the theme.

It’s interesting how things turn out sometimes. I prefer things to go according to plan, but life often forces us in other directions. A failed project gives birth to new creative ideas that might not have been realized had things worked out as expected. It is a part of the creative process for many artistic types.

Instead of writing about and posting my latest video blog, I am reflecting on how there is usually some kind of silver lining in situations that don’t work out as hoped. From simple creative projects gone wrong, to more profound and meaningful things – one can almost always turn the remnants of failure into some kind of success.

Perhaps you have set out to accomplish something that didn’t go as planned, but still resulted in a positive outcome – maybe even better than was initially envisioned. How have you made the most of things that turned out differently than expected? Please take a moment to share a silver-lining experience or two of your own.

Update: Feb. 5, 2010
I ended up re-doing the simulated TV static background with a manipulated authentic one. The original image can be seen here, though only the background is different.

How best to handle it with my wife is my biggest concern. In the past I had felt that crossdressing was wrong and therefore had purged my collection several times. Now for me personally, I am comfortable with it. I had been trying to decide how to talk with my wife about it when she discovered.

Since then she has expressed the viewpoint/belief that (A) per the Bible and society crossdressing is bad and wrong. Absolutely no wavering on this so far. (B) She also believes that it is something that if you try hard enough you can stop doing it.. She has also stated from watching Jerry Springer show that all crossdressers will become gay at first and then that leads to all getting a sex change operation. For the most part she presents to me as these being absolutes.

She has also remarked that now all she can think of me as is Georgette whether it is just kissing or anything else. She also feels that if she would of given me sex more often then I would not want to cross dress. I have/had a web blog where I was journaling/logging my experiences. She wants me to get rid of that to. Currently I am doing that.

In addition to all this, I feel like she wants me to make all these changes and stop dressing and because she says it is wrong.

Yet at the same she does not what to consider or accept any offers for compromise.

Thank you,

Georgette

 

I am sorry to have misinterpreted your request for advice in the previous letter. An unaccepting wife, unwilling to compromise, is a tough pill to swallow. It will be a long-term investment, but there are options to consider in working things out.

The arguments your wife makes against crossdressing are almost text-book for many in this situation. Some wives have also thrown in a rather unpleasant ultimatum: either stop crossdressing or the marriage is over (sometimes accompanied by a threat of public humiliation and/or financial ruin). I’ve read countless accounts very similar to yours. Some of them have ended badly and others have managed to work things out. In some cases, the marriage has even grown stronger as the wife learns more about the realities of crossdressing (vs. the misconceptions) and gets the chance to fully know her husband.

Basic psychology behind this reaction to crossdressing
The way in which a wife reacts to the realization that her husband is a crossdresser varies greatly. Some women feel very threatened by the prospect of their husband exhibiting a feminine side. The less that is known about crossdressing realities, the greater potential threat perceived. Many women simply prefer a man to be all-masculine, all the time.

Based on the information in your letter, your wife probably falls into the category of women who want their man to be all-masculine, all the time. It’s a matter of personal preference, and everyone is entitled to their own. Her reaction to your crossdressing is an expression of fear over “loosing the man she fell in love with” and what others might think if they found out. The idea of you being feminine may also be damaging to your sex appeal in her eyes.

Before we get into the specifics of your wife’s arguments; very common misconceptions and concerns that are brought up by many unaccepting wives, it is important to keep in mind that she is probably filled with fears and uncertainty over this issue. Even if she may not be doing the same for you right now, try to be patient and understanding as she works through her own set of complicated emotions.

Addressing her concerns

Crossdressing and society
Today’s society is, on the whole, pretty uncomfortable with the idea of crossdressing, and consequently, not very accepting of it. Even so, simply being uncomfortable with something does not make it “wrong” or “bad”. Society has been uncomfortable with all kinds of things in past years – things that are perfectly acceptable and regarded as normal today. Several times, I’ve brought up how mainstream society in the 1950’s (made up of mostly whites) was not very accepting of blacks. It was just “common knowledge” that blacks were inferior to whites, lacked intelligence, and often regarded as a menace to society. As ridiculous as that sounds today, mainstream society was very comfortable with that notion decades ago. Did the fact that this was a widely accepted popular belief ever make it true?

What the Bible says about crossdressing
One of many misconceptions about crossdressing is that the Bible says it is sinful and wrong. This is not true, but there is a passage in the Bible that may be interpreted as such, depending on the translation.

It states in Deuteronomy 22:5, “A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your God.” (quoted from the “English Standard Version” translation, see link) Taken in a literal sense, it seems pretty damning to crossdressing men… and all women. The intended meaning behind the words is debatable, and there is much debate about it. Perhaps taking a look at another Bible verse might help put things in perspective:

Leviticus 19:27, “You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard.” 19:28 “You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves.” Apparently barbers, hairdressers, and tattoo studios have been damning us all for quite some time now. Oddly, not many people have a problem with other aspects of one’s appearance that seem to be in conflict with the teachings in the Bible.

Giving up crossdressing is not necessary
I covered this to some extent in Crossdressing Myth #5 (though not specifically in this context). It may be unpopular to the masses, but that does not make it immoral, sinful or wrong. There is no need to give up something based on societal popularity – especially at the cost one’s own personal happiness and contentment in life.

The Jerry Springer Show
There is very little, if any, real educational value to The Jerry Springer Show. The show is not designed to educate, but rather to entertain. Whether or not it is actually entertaining is up to the viewer to decide. It should be known that Jerry Springer himself has gone on record stating: “I would never watch my show. I’m not interested in it. It’s not aimed towards me. This is just a silly show.” (source: BBC News) Using The Jerry Springer Show as a serious source of information for anything is usually a sign of desperacy on behalf of the person citing it as reference.

Crossdressing, sexual orientation, and SRS
This is covered in Crossdressing Myth #1 and Crossdressing Myth #2. In short, straight people do not “turn” gay, nor do gay people turn straight, regardless of crossdressing. Crossdressers generally tend not to be good candidates for sex reassignment surgery, either.

An active sex life does not prevent crossdressing
The most active sex life in the world will not prevent or “cure” crossdressing. Lack of a sex life is not the cause of crossdressing, either. Whether crossdressing is an act of feminine self-expression, a sexual fetish, or somewhere in-between (as it varies from one to the next), it is a personal trait on the genetic level (like being left or right-handed) and not the result of outside stimulus, or lack there of. Outside stimulus will influence one’s crossdressing style/preference, but not the existence there of within an individual.

Working things out

What is at stake
All marriages have their ups and downs. A marriage can fail for any number of reasons. I think it’s safe to say that the vast majority of divorce cases do not involve crossdressing among reasons listed. The main reasons for failed marriages are lack of communication, and irreconcilable differences (such as serious incompatibility issues). If either party ends up sacrificing their own personal happiness in order to maintain “peace” in the marriage, it usually leads to pent up anger and resentment that will manifest itself in various negative ways. It may not necessarily end the marriage, but it certainly does not make for a very happy one. You and your wife will need to come to an agreement that is acceptable to both, and that is feasible over the long-term.

Patience and understanding
You may feel like the one under attack, but it’s important to not loose sight of your wife’s feelings during all of this. Be patient and understanding of your wife’s fears and worries. Try to avoid the topic of crossdressing for a while if it is upsetting to her. Divert her attention to things that bring both of you joy together. The understanding and patience you show to your wife now may be returned from her to you in time.

Bothered by the thought of a feminine husband
Some women have a need for their male romantic interest to be only masculine, period. Whether this preference is at the very root of their personal being or the result of living in a society that teaches teaches and rewards such thinking, they do not want to think about their man in any way other than completely masculine. The same can be said for most men only wanting to see their female love interest in a feminine light, only. To each, his/her own.

After debunking the initial arguments your wife has presented against crossdressing, she may just find new ones to complain about. If her intent is to simply “make it go away, period”, she will continue to discourage your crossdresing in other ways until she succeeds in driving it away… or driving you away in the process.

Assert yourself
You have the right to be yourself. There is nothing wrong with who you are, at least not because of crossdressing. If it bothers her too much to think about you in a feminine light, consider keeping this aspect of your life to yourself.

It is always more rewarding when this can be shared and enjoyed between two people, but its not for everyone and not much can be done about that. There are plenty of happily married couples in which the wife is aware of, but not an active participant in her husband’s crossdressing. Every couple has their separate interests in addition to the common/shared. Not everything need be shared together actively – especially the things that are undesirable to the other. For instance, many women do not share in their husband’s love of sports and do not take part in the frequent gatherings centered around them. Being a hard core sports enthusiast is a different animal than crossdressing, but the relevant point is an example of an activity that is often not shared between husband and wife.

Sorting out and sharing thoughts publicly
If keeping an online journal is helpful and/or therapeutic to you, then you shouldn’t give it up. Your wife might be concerned about your identity being discovered as a result of your journal. Take proper measures to minimize that possibility if that is the case. Involve her in the process of ensuring anonymity so that she feels more comfortable with it.

Her main issue might not be the prospect of you being discovered, but rather that she simply does not want you exploring this aspect of your life, period. Try to identify the root of her concerns and work on them accordingly.

Compromise, communication, and feelings
Reaching a compromise that you can both be happy with in the long run is what needs to be focused on. Keep in mind that your wife is going to be working though her own fears and insecurities during this process and may not be ready for productive conversation in light of that. When there is too much disagreement and argument in a discussion, then it is time to defer for another time. Nothing positive will result from a shouting match.

Marriage/couples counseling
Consider seeking professional help from a trained, licensed marriage counselor. Working on things together under the supervision of a trained professional has helped many couples better understand each other and improve the quality of their marriage. Be sure to do your homework before deciding on a therapist. Just because someone has a title and license does not mean they’re any good at what they do. Make sure that your therapist has experience in transgender issues, and look into their track record.

Good luck
There is no magic solution to this dilemma. I hope that the two of you can work things out together and come to an understanding that is acceptable to both. At the very least, I hope that the two of you can the find happiness that you each deserve, even if it is not with each other.

Offer your input to help a struggling marriage
I would ask those of you who have been where Georgette is now to please offer your input. If you were able to work things out, what seemed to help the most? Even if things didn’t work out, can you share any insight or important lessons learned? Perhaps you’re the wife of a crossdresser who has experienced similar concerns. What advice can you offer Georgette (or anyone in her situation) that you wish someone could have offered you?

 
Related content:

• Dear Gabi Advice Column
• Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page
• How to Tell Your Wife You’re a Crossdresser
• Crossdressing Myths & Misconceptions

Something lighthearted and fun for this Friday:  It’s snow season around here and I recently enjoyed some fun in it.  The snowman started out normal enough, but ended up turning out distorted – kind of like Frosty’s demented radio-active cousin.  It’s been a few years since making my last snowman, so I was a bit out of practice.  Since he was already pretty odd looking, I threw on some horns and “gonna grab you” arms and hands to complete the look.  The little snow puppy turned out pretty well considering I’ve never made one before.

After snapping a photo, I was reminded of those crazy Calvin and Hobbes snowman-based cartoons.  I can’t hold a candle to the comedic genius expressed in those comics, but still wanted to share my little construction-in-the-cold.  My wife doesn’t care for the “horned snowman of doom”, but I got a kick out of it and hope it brings a smile to your face, too.

For those of you who live in a winter wonderland this time of year, what kind of snow-creations have you (or your kids) made recently or in winters past?  Tell me about it.  Post a link to a photo or two in your comment, if you’ve got any to share.

Thanks for your page, I will be back to visit. I have dressed off/on since 5 years old. In an off phase went dated and married.

Had gotten back into and understand and accept now that it is part of me and great stress relief. Almost cost me my job due to poor reaction to stress.

I was trying to decide how to talk with my wife about it and left a journal site open. Now she knows before I was quite ready. I have seen your How to Tell Your Wife You’re a Crossdresser page but am looking for any other help tips there might be. If you have any, thanks.

I haven’t looked at everything here but your en femme pictures are awesome, you make very nice looking woman. If I can get half as cute as you I will be happy.

Good luck and enjoy in the future.

Sincerely,

Georgette

 

You’re off to a good start, even if it doesn’t feel that way to you right now. In accepting and embracing this aspect of your life, you have laid the foundation of stability on which to grow and evolve as a person. It’s healthier for one to allow oneself to be who they truly are rather than to deny or suppress it (barring circumstances that would be harmful to others).

In my opinion, it is best to share the truth with one’s spouse. We all have our personal matters of privacy. The difference between personal privacy and marriage-deal-breakers should be obvious between two people who know each other well enough to have tied the knot. If a marriage fails as a result personal disclosures, it is usually indicative of the fact it had a poor foundation to begin with (under false pretense). Concealed/hidden truths rarely make for a successful marital formula. I think you’re decision to tell your wife is the right call and a respectable move on your part. She deserves to know.

The worst takes place in your own mind
It is unfortunate that your wife discovered your feminine side before you were emotionally ready to disclose it – more so for you than for your spouse. The good news is, the fear and uncertainty you’re experiencing is probably more the result of over-thinking than anything else.

I understand you’ve been doing your homework and reading up on how to properly explain things to your wife. That’s a very intelligent move on your part and will benefit both of you. Concentrate your emotional energies on all that you’ve learned in your research and figure out how best to apply it to your own, unique situation.

It’s life as usual
Perhaps the best thing one can do after coming out to, or being discovered by their wife is to simply do nothing at all – at least at first. If the initial round of questions have been addressed, then you should give your wife some space and allow her ample time to process the information at her own pace. For many women, it can be a lot to take in, and understandably so.

This is where it can be difficult on your part, in terms of not quite being ready for this moment just yet. You might be filled with even more questions, concerns, and uncertainty than your wife. The fear and uncertainty a common emotion for those who are newly out to their spouse.

It is in your best interest to simply go about “life as usual” until your wife is ready to discuss things further and approaches you about it. This means do whatever you would normally do as if nothing has changed. Even if you’re not feeling the most confident inside, you had best put those feelings aside for now and put on a smile for the woman you love. Your wife has a lot to process and you need to let her know (by example) that everything is ok.

Danger, Will Robinson!
There is a trap that crossdressers often fall into – especially those who are newly out to a significant other. It’s what I call the “Is it because I’m a crossdresser?” syndrome. With the knowledge that your wife now knows about this aspect of your life, you may begin to question little things that were not much of a concern before. The reality is, people have disagreements and various ups and downs in their relationships. That’s the norm across the board. The fact that you’re a crossdresser has little (if anything) to do with that, except for in your own mind. If you ever find yourself wondering if something is wrong and ponder the question: “Is it because I’m a crossdresser?”, chances are, you’re just being paranoid. This is your que to immediately drop that thought process before you inadvertently stir up trouble where there was none to begin with. Your wife knows, and she didn’t run screaming or lay into you about it – that says a lot.

The marital trouble that occurs after coming out to (or being outed to) one’s wife is often the result of a paranoid transgender who has subconsciously instigated trouble all on their own. If you go looking hard enough for a problem in a specific area, you might just find what you were looking for… after having caused it yourself. It may not be easy, but take my advice when I say: do not go there. Should you find your thoughts dwelling on this paranoid line of reasoning, heed my warning.

It’s not the end of marital happiness if…
Your wife may end up understanding you better in time, and choose not to be an active participant in this aspect of your life. There is nothing that says she has to, either. This is a choice you must allow her to make for herself, and respect her decision should it be that of non-participation. It’s always more enjoyable when this can be shared between partners, but it’s not for everyone.

It’s not the end of the road if your wife doesn’t want to be take part of this aspect of your life. It is normal for wives and husbands to each pursue their own individual interests outside of that which they share with each other.

I am reminded of a popular tech podcast I enjoy. The podcaster eats, breathes, and lives tech. His wife does not. Their together life is pretty tech-limited. She has her thing, and he has his. Together they are a loving couple with other cross-over interests.

Being a tech-enthusiast is a very different animal than being transgendered. The point is that all married couples have their together-interests, and their separate-interests. It is up to each couple to settle upon that which is essential to share together, and that which can be enjoyed separately in order for the marriage to work best.

Take it easy and enjoy each moment for what it is
Sit tight, relax, and let things play out as they will. If you run into bumps along the way, do not stress. Bumps can be discussed and evened out later on. Be there for your wife and answer her questions with complete honesty. Don’t push her or rush anything. Above all – be the loving, caring, supportive spouse she’s always known and loved.

Good luck, and I wish all the best for you and your wife.

 
Related content: Dear Gabi Advice Column

Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page

 

On January 1, 2009, I ventured online as Gabrielle for the first time. In preparation to begin interacting with others, I created a flickr account and uploaded my first femme-photo. Prior, only my wife had seen me this way.

Posting that first photo was a bit strange at the time. I felt exposed to some extent. It’s kind of funny to me now – how it seemed like such a big deal to publish my photo as Gabrielle online for the world to see. This is simply who I am and I don’t think twice about sharing photos and stories about my life now. That first step out of complete privacy and into the public eye felt like a big one at the time, but I quickly became comfortable with it and posted another photo just days later.

To celebrate the anniversary, I thought it would be fun to recreate my first publicly shared photo, one year later. Although (originally) posted on January 1, 2009, the photo was taken in December of 2008. The new one was taken exactly one year and one day later.

On the left you see my first published photo and on the right is the one-year anniversary recreation, taken a couple of weeks ago (click to enlarge either). The background was removed in the photo on the left because the bathroom I was standing in at the time didn’t make for a very attractive composition.

There you have it – the same outfit, same pose, thicker eye-liner, darker lipstick, and weighing in 10 pounds lighter. One year later, and I’m just as “surprised” as ever.

The original “surprised” pose was not inteded as such, but it almost seems to illustrate the emotion associated with taking that first photographic step online: excitement and surprise to finally be sharing this aspect of my life with others.

A question to my trans-sisters
Have you posted photos of yourself (en femme) online? How did you feel about it that first time? If you have chosen not to share your femme-appearance or removed photos, what were the deciding factors?

If you have an online album of your femme photos to share, feel free to post a link to it in your comment or include the URL in the “website” field if you like. If you do so, please be sure to leave a comment and not just a link. Please DO NOT include a link to photos that expose too much, are sexually explicit or otherwise inappropriate. They will not be published.

I’ve been crossdressing since the age of 3 or 4, but it wasn’t until December of 2008 that Gabrielle finally got her face. The picture above was taken a couple of weeks ago, on the one year anniversary of my first time in full makeup. It’s not my best head shot, but certainly displays a vast improvement from a year prior in terms of looking more feminine up close.

After a lifetime of keeping this aspect of my life a carefully guarded secret, it was around this time last year (add a couple of weeks) that I was finally (fully) out to my wife. It was that same time, after months of planning, that my first ever feminine makeup transformation took place. The fabulous Mrs. H. agreed to take care of business for me. With years of experience doing her own makeup, and very well, I was sure to look gorgeous when all was complete… or so I initially thought.

I remember sitting in the bathroom while my wife carefully applied the makeup. She had me positioned so that I could not watch the process in the mirror – wanting it to be a surprise until finished. For decades I had waited for this moment and it was finally happening. This kind of anticipation is something that only another crossdresser (who also happened to wait far too long) can truly understand.

Mrs. H. smiled and giggled at times while applying my makeup. The process was pretty amusing to her, and she rather enjoyed it. Foundation, eye shadow, eye liner, blush, lipstick… and the wait was over. After a lifetime of self-denial, it was time to face my feminine side in the mirror – the woman within that had been unfairly locked away all my life.

It is hard to find the proper words to describe how I felt after coming face to face with “Gabrielle” for the first time in the mirror. To quote the fictional, but wise character of Spock, “…having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.” The context in which I use this quote differs from how it was used in the Star Trek episode “Amok Time”, but seems fitting in light of the great disappointment experienced that moment.

Although it felt good to finally be in full makeup as Gabrielle, I clearly looked like a man wearing makeup and not at all like the beautiful, feminine face that I mentally envisioned for so long. Most of the photos taken that day looked awful. My desire was to look as female as possible and not like a man wearing makeup. It was quite a let-down. I couldn’t help but wonder how much better I might have looked had this moment arrived many years sooner on a much younger face.

The following day, we gave it another try. Some lessons were learned and a slightly different approach was taken this time. It fell short of what I hoped for, but was a welcome improvement. My face looked more feminine and less rugged. Click the thumbnail to the right to see the first-ever photo as Gabrielle I shared online (originally published on January 1, 2009).

Unfortunately, I’ll never know how beautiful I might have looked as Gabrielle in my teens or twenties. Being genetically male, my face is aging as such. Thought it does not look terribly old by any means, it does look fairly rugged and quite male. If you’re a young crossdresser, closeted or not, I suggest you begin experimenting with makeup if you haven’t already. Younger faces have the potential to look more feminine, and of course that much more attractive.

The silver lining is that I’ve gotten better at doing my makeup over the past year. Like many before me, I discovered that sticking with it and refining technique can greatly improve the end result. My preferred style isn’t exactly a modern, trendy approach. I love thick, black eyeliner, darker eye shadows (applied in an 80’s-ish fashion), bold lipstick, and sometimes a little too much blush (thought it is unintentional with the occasional excess blush).

Coming up
In my next post, I’ll be revisiting my first-ever published photos as Gabrielle. It was just over one year ago that I first ventured online as my feminine-self. A couple of then and now comparison photos were taken to celebrate. I hope you’ll join me while I reminisce and look back at my first baby steps into the world as Gabrielle… if only via the internet in the beginning.

Share your experience
At what age did you first start wearing makeup? How did it turn out your first time? Did you have any help (from a friend, girlfriend, or wife) getting started? Do you follow the latest makeup trends or do your own thing? If you’re the mother, sister, wife or signicant other of a crossdresser, have you helped someone get started or perhaps still do their makeup for them? Please take a moment and share.