My name’s Angel and I have a crossdressing boyfriend, “Sullie”. We’re still in highschool, and have been dating for two years, but I’ve only just found out that he’s a crossdresser because he has been afraid to tell me because of how I may have reacted. I fully accept him, and try to encourage him to be himself no matter what. I am 1 of 5 people who know, but none of his friends or family know.

I’m almost sadden by the fact that he had took so long, after I’ve been very vocal on my opinions about Gay, Bi, Lesbian and etc decisions in life. I myself am Bisexual, but Sullie’s the only person for me.

He’s become a shell of himself and is still nervous when he dresses around me. He feels he is a freak, and “not normal.” This is what saddens me the most. His acceptance in society won’t be felt for a while. Like said, I fully, 100% support him in any way possible. He is himself, and that’s what I fell in love with, nothing less.

Our first year together, he wasn’t the most faithful, but something held me to him. Something told me to stay. After he came out, things have been so much better. We are stronger, and I can honestly say, I have never ever felt closer to him.

Sully has always had a quality about him, a shy nature. But as he has progressed in his nature and sexuality, he’s become ashamed of himself – not at all times, but it’s definitely a mental state of depression that I hate to see him go through. He’s never been sure of himself, inside and out. Now that I know, it’s boosted him slightly, but not enough for him to come out as Sullie to other people.

I sometimes get frustrated because some of the comments his friends make without knowing honestly offend him, but he can’t say anything. He’s 16. Do you have any advice for us? And advice for confidence for him?

Angel

Dear Angel,

I can relate to Sully’s feelings of depression, nervousness, and feeling like a freak. Been there. Done that! It’s not easy growing up in a world that openly rejects and ridicules differences in people. Looking back at my own teen years, I’m amazed at how far I’ve come, in terms of conquering the feelings of shame and depression once tied to being transgender.

Your frustration is understandable. Watching the one you love experience these complex difficulties can truly be heart-breaking. The good news is that things do get better. Over time, being trans becomes less of a burden and more of a cherished personal trait. At least it has for myself and many other trans-folk.

A good first step on the road to feeling better about oneself is to reflect upon the reality of things and put them into proper perspective. There is nothing I can say that will magically fix anyone’s problems, but a little perspective goes a long way. Let’s shine a little light of reason into that murky fog of uncertainty that’s been causing so much trouble for you both.

Coming out is hard to do
Try not to feel like something is wrong because it took Sully so long to come out to you. Even if you may have welcomed the news from day one, it’s not as simple from a crossdresser’s point of view, especially at the age of 16. You seem like such an open-minded girl, and I’m sure Sully picked up on that early on. It’s a good bet that your being so open-minded and cool about differences in people plays a significant role in how he feels about you. Even so, the fear of rejection can be overwhelming.

Society is a little more comfortable, on the whole, with people being gay/lesbian. The haters are unfortunately still a plenty, but the majority of people will not have an issue in knowing that someone is gay. It is even reflected in entertainment very much today – gay characters are becoming more prevalent and are generally received positively. Crossing the gender line however, still has a long, long way to go. Crossdressing is still generally viewed as a mental illness, perversion, or many other negative things. Because it carries a significant level potential negative fallout in the eyes of many crossdressers, it makes it that much harder to come out.

If it helps any, I was 13 years into my marriage before having the confidence to come out to my wife. Needless to say, my own powerful insecurities about being transgender was a tremendous hurdle to overcome.

Feeling like a freak
I used to feel like a freak, too. So much so, that I really hated myself for being trans. I didn’t understand what it meant and was certain that if anyone ever found out, I’d be ridiculed right off the face of the planet. I would have rather died than have anyone find out. As I grew, evolved, and learned more, I felt less like a freak and became more comfortable with who I am. These days, several people know that I live part time in female form, and I’m not embarrassed about it in the slightest.

In high school, it’s pretty common for teenagers to feel like they’re a freak for one reason or another, at least at some point. I never shared my secret while I was still in school, but I remember several friends sharing things with me in confidence about why they felt like “freak”. The specifics are not important, but the reason was, and still is, always the same. The social structure in high school is all about conformity, being popular/well liked, and just plain fitting in. When something makes a teenager feel as if they don’t fit in, or wouldn’t fit in if others knew whatever (it need not be restricted to being trans), personal insecurities sprout up and wreak havoc on self-esteem. Once the nutty social structure of high school life has been left in the past, all those fears about being a freak, whatever the reason may be, fade away as little more than a bad memory about the strange beast known as teenage life.

It’s no news to you, Angel, but Sullie is most certainly NOT a freak – no more than I am, anyway. Crossdressing may not be very popular in mainstream society, and probably even less so in high school, but simply having unpopular personal traits does not mean anything is wrong or needs “fixing”.

The terrible things teenagers say
A sad reality among many teenagers is a frequent tendency to make fun of anything they feel they can chip away at. It may be just to get a laugh from friends, or intended to elevate one’s social standing by belittling others. The social structure in high school is so very different than the “real world”; life beyond high school. When you’re still in high school, it’s pretty hard to fathom any other way of life. Even if I or other survivors try to explain how different it is post-high school, it probably seems like so far away to anyone who still has a year or two or three left to go. Don’t get me wrong – people can still be plenty rude and barbaric, but it’s not as common, and the social structure is quite different.

Things are not always what they seem
There’s a good chance that Sully’s friends have no idea that what they’re saying is so terrible, or how it affects someone they call a friend. The mean-spirited remarks might be more of an attempt at “fitting in” or diverting attention away from themselves, than anything else. Perhaps certain comments are made primarily because “everyone else talks like that” and there is some “monkey see, monkey do” going on.

Unless you’re quite certain as to the underlying motivation for the mean comments, consider trying to find out. Passively studying the social behavior of people over time can reveal a lot about what is sincere opinion and what is automatic conformity-talk. I advise extreme caution should you choose to somehow confront said friends about it, though. By confronting them, potential to learn more, faster, is there, however it may also send out undesirable signals. I recommend the passive route here, unless your social prowess allows for a truly stealthy approach in your real objective when engaging in exploratory conversation with the offenders.

Some people are just shy
It sounds like Sully is somewhat shy and introverted by nature. There’s really nothing wrong with that. It’s a very common trait, and one that I share myself. Feeling ashamed of oneself when there is noting to be ashamed of however, is a different story.

Internalized transphobia
For many crossdressers, there is a strong sense of shame tied to the act of, and very real need to crossdress. Most of us, myself included, once viewed our need to crossdress as some kind of crazy compulsion that we couldn’t control, and it made no sense as to why. We’re taught (by society/peers) that we have to be “manly men” and anything not fully masculine is bad, wrong, undesirable, etc. Our need to feel and express femininity is in conflict with the social “norms” (note the quotes) of the masculine-only form and behavior that is expected of us as genetic males. That conflict, and feeling of being “all alone” in our differences, is part of what leads to the sense of shame. “We’re not like the others, therefore something must be wrong with us.”

Many crossdressers suffer from internalized transphobia. There is a fairly complex psychology behind it, but the short definition is the sense of shame that goes along with disliking (sometimes hating) oneself for being transgender. It is a learned behavior, typically caused by bearing witness to a lifetime of people expressing their dislike, hatred, detest, etc. for transgender people. That dislike and hatred can be expressed in a variety of ways, from mean-spirited jokes and disparaging remarks, to acts of violence.

Because internalized transphobia is learned behavior, it can also be unlearned. The realization that there is, in fact, nothing wrong with being trans and that it is a very normal (if not always popular) and common trait among countless men is a good start. Self-acceptance and embracing oneself as the person they are (as opposed as to what others may prefer them to be) is key to overcoming internalized transphobia and its devastating affects on one’s self-esteem. There’s nothing easy about stomping out this venomous demon, but if I can do it, anyone can, and that’s the truth. Anyone who truly wants to overcome the senseless shame can do just that.

Becoming more self-confident
I’m going to address you directly from this point forward, Sully. It’s easy to say, and hard to do, but it is absolutely true: if you believe, you can achieve. If you have a strong desire to be more self-confident; if you really want it, you will indeed achieve your goal. The key here is that you really have to want it, and not view it as a “nice to have, but…” kind of thing.

If your lack of self-confidence is, at least in part, tied to your being trans and a sense of shame over that aspect of your life, then I hope that you’ve been paying close attention to everything I’ve said so far. The feeling of being different, and the hurtful things others say about people who are different, may remain be a sore point for a while. If you choose to believe and embrace the truth over the bullsh*t lies and disparaging jokes, your insecurities about them will subside over time. It all depends on how you choose to look at things, and it is very much a choice.

You might consider writing down the things that bother and make you uncomfortable, either with who you are, or in how you feel others see you. After the list is complete, review and reflect. How many of the items are truly problem areas, as opposed to just feeling out of sync with your peers? I understand that just “feeling out of sync with peers” can carry significant emotional weight, regardless. If you keep the proper perspective about it, you may find that it’s better to be out of sync with certain people, than to be like them – especially if these people have a negative influence on how you feel about yourself.

Fake it ’till you make it
A helpful way to combat low self-esteem is to simply behave in a way that displays self-assurance and confidence to others. I’m not suggesting acting boastful or anything like that, but rather exhibiting a positive demeanor, carrying yourself with confidence, and putting out subtle signals that tell others you’re content and happy with your life, even if you don’t feel that way inside. It may not make sense to “pretend” feeling better, but this approach can be beneficial by creating a positive feedback loop. In other words, going through the motions (of feeling good/confident about yourself) can affect how well your day goes, which can in turn, have a positive affect on how you really feel, which will then create a more natural positive influence on how your day goes, etc. To be successful at it, you’ll need to be dedicated, practice, and work at it over a long period of time. You’ll also need to set some rules designed to keep yourself in check, such as: reflecting on how your day went, how your mood was, and what factors influenced them. Assess how you behaved and reacted to events that may have been stressful or upsetting, and what kind of signals you sent out to others in your reaction and subsequent behavior. Make a note of where you fall short of the kind of behavior you’d like to show the world, and think about what might have worked better if you had it to do all over again. Write them down as that can be helpful to strengthen your memory. Over time, you will be able to modify how you act in situations and even how you feel about them inside. This will only help if you work at it and stick with it long term. I hope you can put a little faith in the words of wisdom from someone who’s been there and truly understands what it’s like to experience the problems that have been troubling you.

It gets better
It gets better, Sully. That’s the truth. It may be hard to see when you’re 16 and stuck in “high school life” for a couple more years yet, but it will get better and you’ll soon be enjoying life as the beautiful person you are, rather than being ashamed of or embarrassed by it. There’s really nothing to be ashamed of… unless you intend to let others dictate the kind of person you’re allowed to be, and how you can and cannot live your life. Now that would be big a shame. I think you’re smarter than that, though.

Good luck
Many best wishes to both of you. There will be struggles and bumps along the way, but if you remain dedicated and patient, the rewards of your efforts will be well worth the investment.

Related content:

• Dear Gabi Advice Column
• Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page
• Crossdressing Myths & Misconceptions
• Until Society Has Their Way With Them

I am a straight SWF and actress. Can you explain why some dressers are straight, some are bi, and some are gay? Do they find dressing sexual at all? Do they have a special id with their mothers or sisters? Does each prefer specific items of clothing, or soft, silky fabric? Is the attraction to the clothing, or the idea of being a sexually appealing or soft female? Would they be more attracted to a more feminine or masculine looking and acting woman?

I have encountered many cross-dressers in Las Vegas, in and out of the entertainment industry. Most are very shy about revealing their preferences. Most surprising is that most focus on one specific garment ie shoes, lingerie, mini-skirts, that is associated with female sexuality. That is why I was trying to understand the psychology behind it.

Thanks for your response. Many girls are just curious.

Davida-Rochelle

Dear Davida-Rochelle,

I appreciate your curiosity and am glad you’ve taken the time to do a little research on the topic of crossdressing.  It is often quite the mystery to non-trans folk.  It can be a pretty big mystery, and rather confusing for crossdressers, too.  At least at first. I am not shy about this aspect of my life though, and happy to provide some insight.

The questions are often the same, but the answers are not
So why are some crossdressers straight, some bi, and others gay?  Perhaps it might put things in perspective to ponder the question: why are some non-crossdressers straight, bi, or gay?  The short answer to all of these questions is that crossdressers are as varied and different as non-crossdressers.  There’s really no way to easily sum up the choices and differences for all non-crossdressers.  The same applies for crossdressers.

Crossdressing is a mystery… but not really
The reason crossdressing seems pretty mysterious to many is simply the result of lack of knowledge, social intolerance, the taboo factor, and the fact that crossdressing is often seen as some kind of abnormality, sickness, perversion, confusion, etc.  Being trans is no more abnormal than being left-handed or having artistic tendencies or preferring the color green over blue.  Crossdressing is simply unpopular (in the mainstream), and unpopular things are often shunned.

The answer to the rest of your questions are yes or no, depending on the crossdresser being assessed.  I’d love to be able to give you a straight answer (no pun intended), but it doesn’t work like that.  Additionally, whether the answer to the questions are yes or no, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the “yes” or “no” has any direct connection to the motivation for crossdressing.

Lack of knowledge leads to incorrect conclusions
Because of the general lack of knowledge (about crossdressing) among non-trans folk, many people tend to fill in the blanks with reasoning that seems logical to them.  I would compare it to a young child watching television at an early age.  Not understanding the technology at work and having only a very limited comprehension of the world around them, it is common for young children to logically deduce that the people they see on the screen are somehow actually *inside* the device itself.

I commend you for choosing to research this topic rather than write it off as some kind of inexplicable oddity.  Perhaps the best thing you can do to understand what drives (genetically male) trans-folk to exhibit a preference toward a female appearance/expression is to forget all the cliches and misconceptions you’ve heard to this point in your life.  Keep in mind that being trans is (sadly) just unpopular and not some kind of separate off-shoot form of the human condition.  We’re all different individuals – trans and non.  Trying to figure out why someone crossdresses is a bit like trying to figure out why one of your girlfriends likes a certain type of guy, or prefers to dress in one style over another.  Why does anyone prefer what they do? Preferences are simply preferences, whether it be style, food, gender expression, or anything else, everyone has their own.

Here’s how it works for me
If it may help, I will directly answer your questions as they pertain to me.  My preferences do not reflect those of all crossdressers any more than the preferences/choices of any one non-crossdresser can represent all non-crossdressers.  I’ve interacted with many trans-folk and discovered more differences than similarities. The major similarity is the most basic element: genetic males expressing feminine tendencies, mainly in appearance and choice of self-presentation.

What is my sexual preference?
All I can say is that I love women, period.  I’ve always admired, been attracted to, and even jealous of beautiful women.  The thought of being with a male in any romantic capacity is repulsive to me.  As a tgirl, I guess I’m kind of a lipstick lesbian.  As a man, I’m just another straight guy.

Do I find dressing (in women’s clothes) sexual?
It used to be very sexually arousing to wear women’s clothing.  Over the years, the arousal (tied to dressing) has faded away. It has become more comfortable and natural feeling to dress up like and express a female presentation.  It reduces my stress, makes life more enjoyable, and in a nutshell, simply makes me feel more alive, period.

Do I have a special id/connection to my mother?
No, not in the slightest.  I love my mother, but never found her particularly attractive, nor was I particularly close to her.  I do not identify with her at all, in terms of my feminine expression.

Do I prefer soft, silky clothing?
Sometimes.  Don’t most genetic women?  I prefer that which makes me feel most feminine.  Soft, silky and comfortable are preferable, but I have a strong preference for certain styles and colors (noticeable in my photos). The feel of clothing is not as much a factor as how I look in them.

Am I attracted to female clothing…
I am more attracted to a woman dressed in a manner that I consider to be desirable (presentation, style, etc.).  I look at some women’s clothing and have a strong desire to wear them, and also see my wife wearing them, too, but I can’t say I’m attracted to the clothing itself.

…or the idea of being sexually appealing?
I do very much like the idea of being attractive in my feminine form.  Don’t most genetic women want to be seen as attractive or “sexually appealing”?  Not all do, but I think you understand my meaning. My style-preference is toward more sexy looks and I exercise daily and work hard to shape my body so that I can pull off those looks.

I think it is important to mention
My feminine form is far preferable to my male, but even in guy-mode, I put more emphasis on, and take the time to look good as a man, than most do. In the 90′s, when I was still in self-denial about being trans, I pumped iron, bulking up to achieve a muscular physique in an effort to appear attractive and “sexually appealing” in a masculine form. It’s important to keep things in perspective – the desire to be attractive and sexually appealing is pretty universal, and is not unique to transgender folk, or even genetic women. It’s common for people to view transgenderism, in its many forms, as if it is a unique category with its own separate reasoning and psychology. The reality is, most humans share very similar psychological reasoning, in terms of the desire to feel attractive and be seen as attractive by others.

Am I attracted more to a feminine or masculine woman?
Feminine, definitely.  I’ve always been highly attracted to ultra-feminine women – those who have longer, well maintained hair, put great care into their makeup, have painted nails, wear form-fitting clothes, have nice curves, and an overall highly feminine presence.  I’m not against women not wearing makeup or not choosing to appear highly “feminine”, but it isn’t sexually appealing to me (not being highly feminine).

Self-attaction
It wasn’t mentioned directly, but I think it may have been the goal, at least in part, of the “the idea of being a sexually appealing or soft female” question. Self-attraction is a pretty lengthy discussion point in itself. Like crossdressing, it is also often viewed as some kind of strange, deviant behavior. Without delving too much into actual topic of how self-attraction works and the fact that it is fairly common (among genetic women, not just crossdressers), I’m not shy about addressing it.

Am I attracted to myself? Most certainly not in my male form. In my feminine form; as a tgirl however, yes I am… sometimes, anyway. There are times when I look at myself in the mirror, or in photos, and think I look very attractive, and also experience a sense of attraction to my own image. Once again, it is important to keep things in perspective here. I’ve written about how my wife is attracted to herself sometimes, too. It’s not too uncommon among genetic women. As it becomes less taboo (mainly among the younger generation) for “straight” women to exhibit bisexual behavior, engaging in sexual acts with other women, the self-attraction aspect is also becoming less “weird & unmentionable” and more accepted as normal.

Replacing mystery with understanding
I hope this helps put things more in perspective and provide a little more understanding. Believe it or not, this is the “short response” to the very complex array of answers and reasoning required to properly address these questions. I could write a rather lengthy book on the complexities involved, however I currently lack the time to devote to such an undertaking.

Publishers (or any financial backer) interested in putting out a book on this topic, written by an author who truly understands the subject and has the ability to explain the vast “mysteries” with logical, comprehensive analysis – please contact me.

Got more questions?
If you (or anyone else) have more questions, please feel free to ask. One of the main objectives here has always been to provide education about the realities of crossdressing and reduce misinformation and misunderstanding. I recommend first reading through the “Crossdressing Myths” series as they will have many of the answers already spelled out.

Crossdressers: how would YOU answer these questions?
Like I said, my own preferences are not representative of all crossdressers. I invite and encourage my trans-sisters to address these questions. This is a perfect opportunity to share our similarities and differences, to learn more about ourselves and each other, and allow non-trans folk some real-world insight about the realities of things.

Related content:

• Dear Gabi Advice Column
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I have just approached a therapist about some sessions as I feel my crossdressing is starting to effect my relationship. My girlfriend is understanding in a way but is still not overly keen.

It is just me who will be attending, as we both feel there are issues I need to address which could all be linked. Short temper for no apparent reason like I get really mad about the most silly things. My girlfriend thinks it’s always before I need to dress. She does not want to see me dressed though. I think I need to get a good understanding of why I need to dress other than “I love that dress!!”. I feel I’m rambling on a bit so apologies for that. I don’t wish for it to go any further than our home but I don’t want to always be alone when dressed but not sure she will ever want to get involved.

I just wondered what is the main objective of this type of therapy. I am nervous and not sure what to expect.

Best regards,

Tina

 

Going to see a counselor or therapist for the first time can be a little intimidating. That’s the bad news. The good news is, most counselors and therapists are very easy to talk to and do a fine job of putting clients at ease within minutes of the first session.

Unfortunately, not all therapists have your best interests in mind. Some can be condescending, belligerent, pushy, and tell you how you should live your life rather than allow you to reveal how you’d like to live your life. If you are not comfortable with your therapist after the first session or two, discontinue seeing them and seek out another. It is also important to be sure you’re seeing a therapist who is well experienced in transgender issues.

Make sure you’ve done your homework in choosing a therapist. There are still those who subscribe to the archaic notion that transgenderism (in all its forms) as some kind of “condition” or defect in need of a “cure” rather than a personal trait. I would equate that approach to trying to “cure” someone of being left-handed or having artistic tendencies. The former was actually still employed by grade school teachers not too many decades ago. Sounds silly now, but being left-handed was once thought of as some kind of “evil sign” or “abnormality” that should be overcome.

What to expect
In terms of the “main objective” for therapy, that is up to you. Discuss with your therapist whatever you feel needs attention or isn’t going well in you life. Be completely open and honest about your life and feelings. The therapist will listen to you and ask questions based on what you share. Their job is to bring out thoughts and feelings that you may not be looking at on a conscious level, hone in on problem areas, and help you figure out how to improve on things that need attention.

When you’re in session, treat it like a conversation and not a confessional. You’re not there to “confess” anything, but rather discuss your life and issues. Everything is confidential so you can talk openly and freely without fear of ridicule or any negative judgment.

You may find that some of your “issues” are not truly problems that need fixing, but rather just things you are self conscious about. Your therapist will help you explore these things.

Although I’m offering my personal insight on some of your concerns, these things should all be brought up and discussed in depth with your therapist.

Short temper set off by seemingly little things
I understand very well the feeling of restriction and anxiety brought on by periods of not being able to crossdress. It is a sentiment commonly shared and discussed in online crossdressing communities.

Perhaps it might help to break it down on a simpler level. Dealing with restrictions and lack of personal freedom in one’s life is often a heavy contributor of stress. Remove crossdressing from the equation, and it’s still pretty much the same. When people experience the feeling of constant restriction and lack of personal choice/freedom, it takes an emotional toll. It can cause a variety of negative reactions including, but not limited to, increased anxiety and irritability – two potent ingredients in a quick temper that is easily triggered by seemingly little things.

To reference the idiom the straw that broke the camel’s back, consider yourself a camel who’s back is already loaded up with emotional baggage (stress) because of your limitations in personal freedoms. In this case, crossdressing, or the inability to do so as often as you would like, may be a significant contributor to stress. Over time it builds up, until a point is reached in which that load of stress is a bit much to bear. Any additional “straw” tossed onto the already heavy load can cause the “back to break”, or inability to control one’s temper.

One of my personal theories on why crossdressing so relaxing and has stress relieving qualities is because it allows one to break free of the socially imposed restrictions of how a man must behave and/or appear. Increased personal freedom often holds the key to reducing one’s stress level. Most people take personal expression for granted because in most cases, it does not cross the social acceptance threshold.

A girlfriend that doesn’t want to see the feminine side of you
It sounds like your girlfriend is tolerant of your crossdressing to some extent, but may never completely warm up to it or choose to participate. If she prefers a man who is 100% masculine or lacking in any signs of “femininity”, there isn’t much that can be done about that. She’s allowed her personal preferences, just as we all are. At least she knows about this part of you, which is very important in any long term relationship that might someday lead to something more.

It is in your best interest (both of you) to discuss how this may affect your continued relationship over time. Do so when the time is right; in other words, when you understand this aspect of your life better. At the same time, you should probably not wait too long before getting into this with your girlfriend.

You should try to find out if she can ever be truly happy with a man who has a strong feminine side. If she needs her romantic male interest to be 100% masculine, then it’s not fair to her to remain in the relationship. You should allow her the opportunity to enter a relationship with a man who is more compatible with her personal interests/preferences on that level.

It is also not fair for you to have to settle for a woman who cannot love you fully and completely for who you truly are; in other words, a woman who will love you completely, and not just your man-side.

How would you feel about your girlfriend potentially never fully accepting this? How would you react if she were to some day proclaim that you have stop crossdressing or she’s leaving? How about the possibility that she may try to use this aspect of your life against you – in an attempt to embarrass you in the eyes of others, perhaps in order to gain compliance with her wishes? These are each real life examples of what regularly takes place in long-term relationships (often marriages) in which the woman is not accepting of her man’s feminine side. I strongly urge you to put serious thought into your future, and discuss with your girlfriend. Again, it’s not only unfair to you if she were to try and change you, but it is also unfair to her if she needs something in her man that you cannot adequately provide by design.

There are plenty of women out there who are, in fact, openly accepting of crossdressing men. Many also encourage and enjoy it. They’re not as easy to find, but it is something to think about. You may reach a point when you’d like to expand on this aspect of your life. I once believed it would be something I never shared with a soul, let alone do in public. Now my wife knows, is an active participant (and in many ways makes possible) this aspect of my life. I simply want to be able to be myself regardless of in-home privacy or out in public. There are several people I’ve come out to thus far.

I do not imply that the relationship with your current love interest is doomed to fail. There are plenty of happily married couples in which the woman is not an active participant in her husband’s crossdressing activities. So long as there is a mutual understanding and respect, things can work out well. Open, honest discussions with your girlfriend about things is what I recommend.

Why you “love that dress”
Being drawn to and/or exhibiting traits that are generally considered to be masculine or feminine is not dependent on one’s sexual organs. That is how it’s been treated in society for centuries, but that is not how it works in reality.

There has been change in the way society views displays of masculinity and femininity over the years. Women have won many freedoms in “masculine expression”. Having short hair, wearing pants, the right to an education and voting are some of the advances made by women. It is generally not even considered a sign of masculinity anymore for a woman to have short hair, wear pants, or even wear (only) men’s clothing (purchased from the men’s department in a retail outlet).

Although women have advanced, men have not. Any show of femininity, or non-masculinity, by men is generally regarded as a weakness and/or undesirable trait. This perception does not reflect the reality (as in, it is certainly not a weakness or flaw), but rather the current state of socially accepted “norms”.

Much of society still has a significant problem in accepting certain differences in people. Simply put, the divide between those who prefer more feminine looks and styles and those who do not, is not based on one’s genitalia, but rather one one’s being. Society (people) collectively decided how men and women should look and/or carry themselves, as in what is deemed “proper”. Nature made up how men and women truly are and feel inside. It’s a LOT more complex than that, but I’m trying to express a point in short, simple terms, without writing terabytes of data on the subject.

In short, you “love that dress” simply because you love that dress. It’s not too different than why a genetic woman loves that dress or those pants on sale, or shoes, or prefers short hair over long. It’s called personal preference and style… and it’s not based on, or limited to one side of the genetic gender divide, or the other, regardless of where the majority fall.

 
Related content:

• Dear Gabi Advice Column
• Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page
• Until Society Has Their Way With Them
• Crossdressing Myths & Misconceptions

How best to handle it with my wife is my biggest concern. In the past I had felt that crossdressing was wrong and therefore had purged my collection several times. Now for me personally, I am comfortable with it. I had been trying to decide how to talk with my wife about it when she discovered.

Since then she has expressed the viewpoint/belief that (A) per the Bible and society crossdressing is bad and wrong. Absolutely no wavering on this so far. (B) She also believes that it is something that if you try hard enough you can stop doing it.. She has also stated from watching Jerry Springer show that all crossdressers will become gay at first and then that leads to all getting a sex change operation. For the most part she presents to me as these being absolutes.

She has also remarked that now all she can think of me as is Georgette whether it is just kissing or anything else. She also feels that if she would of given me sex more often then I would not want to cross dress. I have/had a web blog where I was journaling/logging my experiences. She wants me to get rid of that to. Currently I am doing that.

In addition to all this, I feel like she wants me to make all these changes and stop dressing and because she says it is wrong.

Yet at the same she does not what to consider or accept any offers for compromise.

Thank you,

Georgette

 

I am sorry to have misinterpreted your request for advice in the previous letter. An unaccepting wife, unwilling to compromise, is a tough pill to swallow. It will be a long-term investment, but there are options to consider in working things out.

The arguments your wife makes against crossdressing are almost text-book for many in this situation. Some wives have also thrown in a rather unpleasant ultimatum: either stop crossdressing or the marriage is over (sometimes accompanied by a threat of public humiliation and/or financial ruin). I’ve read countless accounts very similar to yours. Some of them have ended badly and others have managed to work things out. In some cases, the marriage has even grown stronger as the wife learns more about the realities of crossdressing (vs. the misconceptions) and gets the chance to fully know her husband.

Basic psychology behind this reaction to crossdressing
The way in which a wife reacts to the realization that her husband is a crossdresser varies greatly. Some women feel very threatened by the prospect of their husband exhibiting a feminine side. The less that is known about crossdressing realities, the greater potential threat perceived. Many women simply prefer a man to be all-masculine, all the time.

Based on the information in your letter, your wife probably falls into the category of women who want their man to be all-masculine, all the time. It’s a matter of personal preference, and everyone is entitled to their own. Her reaction to your crossdressing is an expression of fear over “loosing the man she fell in love with” and what others might think if they found out. The idea of you being feminine may also be damaging to your sex appeal in her eyes.

Before we get into the specifics of your wife’s arguments; very common misconceptions and concerns that are brought up by many unaccepting wives, it is important to keep in mind that she is probably filled with fears and uncertainty over this issue. Even if she may not be doing the same for you right now, try to be patient and understanding as she works through her own set of complicated emotions.

Addressing her concerns

Crossdressing and society
Today’s society is, on the whole, pretty uncomfortable with the idea of crossdressing, and consequently, not very accepting of it. Even so, simply being uncomfortable with something does not make it “wrong” or “bad”. Society has been uncomfortable with all kinds of things in past years – things that are perfectly acceptable and regarded as normal today. Several times, I’ve brought up how mainstream society in the 1950′s (made up of mostly whites) was not very accepting of blacks. It was just “common knowledge” that blacks were inferior to whites, lacked intelligence, and often regarded as a menace to society. As ridiculous as that sounds today, mainstream society was very comfortable with that notion decades ago. Did the fact that this was a widely accepted popular belief ever make it true?

What the Bible says about crossdressing
One of many misconceptions about crossdressing is that the Bible says it is sinful and wrong. This is not true, but there is a passage in the Bible that may be interpreted as such, depending on the translation.

It states in Deuteronomy 22:5, “A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your God.” (quoted from the “English Standard Version” translation, see link) Taken in a literal sense, it seems pretty damning to crossdressing men… and all women. The intended meaning behind the words is debatable, and there is much debate about it. Perhaps taking a look at another Bible verse might help put things in perspective:

Leviticus 19:27, “You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard.” 19:28 “You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves.” Apparently barbers, hairdressers, and tattoo studios have been damning us all for quite some time now. Oddly, not many people have a problem with other aspects of one’s appearance that seem to be in conflict with the teachings in the Bible.

Giving up crossdressing is not necessary
I covered this to some extent in Crossdressing Myth #5 (though not specifically in this context). It may be unpopular to the masses, but that does not make it immoral, sinful or wrong. There is no need to give up something based on societal popularity – especially at the cost one’s own personal happiness and contentment in life.

The Jerry Springer Show
There is very little, if any, real educational value to The Jerry Springer Show. The show is not designed to educate, but rather to entertain. Whether or not it is actually entertaining is up to the viewer to decide. It should be known that Jerry Springer himself has gone on record stating: “I would never watch my show. I’m not interested in it. It’s not aimed towards me. This is just a silly show.” (source: BBC News) Using The Jerry Springer Show as a serious source of information for anything is usually a sign of desperacy on behalf of the person citing it as reference.

Crossdressing, sexual orientation, and SRS
This is covered in Crossdressing Myth #1 and Crossdressing Myth #2. In short, straight people do not “turn” gay, nor do gay people turn straight, regardless of crossdressing. Crossdressers generally tend not to be good candidates for sex reassignment surgery, either.

An active sex life does not prevent crossdressing
The most active sex life in the world will not prevent or “cure” crossdressing. Lack of a sex life is not the cause of crossdressing, either. Whether crossdressing is an act of feminine self-expression, a sexual fetish, or somewhere in-between (as it varies from one to the next), it is a personal trait on the genetic level (like being left or right-handed) and not the result of outside stimulus, or lack there of. Outside stimulus will influence one’s crossdressing style/preference, but not the existence there of within an individual.

Working things out

What is at stake
All marriages have their ups and downs. A marriage can fail for any number of reasons. I think it’s safe to say that the vast majority of divorce cases do not involve crossdressing among reasons listed. The main reasons for failed marriages are lack of communication, and irreconcilable differences (such as serious incompatibility issues). If either party ends up sacrificing their own personal happiness in order to maintain “peace” in the marriage, it usually leads to pent up anger and resentment that will manifest itself in various negative ways. It may not necessarily end the marriage, but it certainly does not make for a very happy one. You and your wife will need to come to an agreement that is acceptable to both, and that is feasible over the long-term.

Patience and understanding
You may feel like the one under attack, but it’s important to not loose sight of your wife’s feelings during all of this. Be patient and understanding of your wife’s fears and worries. Try to avoid the topic of crossdressing for a while if it is upsetting to her. Divert her attention to things that bring both of you joy together. The understanding and patience you show to your wife now may be returned from her to you in time.

Bothered by the thought of a feminine husband
Some women have a need for their male romantic interest to be only masculine, period. Whether this preference is at the very root of their personal being or the result of living in a society that teaches teaches and rewards such thinking, they do not want to think about their man in any way other than completely masculine. The same can be said for most men only wanting to see their female love interest in a feminine light, only. To each, his/her own.

After debunking the initial arguments your wife has presented against crossdressing, she may just find new ones to complain about. If her intent is to simply “make it go away, period”, she will continue to discourage your crossdresing in other ways until she succeeds in driving it away… or driving you away in the process.

Assert yourself
You have the right to be yourself. There is nothing wrong with who you are, at least not because of crossdressing. If it bothers her too much to think about you in a feminine light, consider keeping this aspect of your life to yourself.

It is always more rewarding when this can be shared and enjoyed between two people, but its not for everyone and not much can be done about that. There are plenty of happily married couples in which the wife is aware of, but not an active participant in her husband’s crossdressing. Every couple has their separate interests in addition to the common/shared. Not everything need be shared together actively – especially the things that are undesirable to the other. For instance, many women do not share in their husband’s love of sports and do not take part in the frequent gatherings centered around them. Being a hard core sports enthusiast is a different animal than crossdressing, but the relevant point is an example of an activity that is often not shared between husband and wife.

Sorting out and sharing thoughts publicly
If keeping an online journal is helpful and/or therapeutic to you, then you shouldn’t give it up. Your wife might be concerned about your identity being discovered as a result of your journal. Take proper measures to minimize that possibility if that is the case. Involve her in the process of ensuring anonymity so that she feels more comfortable with it.

Her main issue might not be the prospect of you being discovered, but rather that she simply does not want you exploring this aspect of your life, period. Try to identify the root of her concerns and work on them accordingly.

Compromise, communication, and feelings
Reaching a compromise that you can both be happy with in the long run is what needs to be focused on. Keep in mind that your wife is going to be working though her own fears and insecurities during this process and may not be ready for productive conversation in light of that. When there is too much disagreement and argument in a discussion, then it is time to defer for another time. Nothing positive will result from a shouting match.

Marriage/couples counseling
Consider seeking professional help from a trained, licensed marriage counselor. Working on things together under the supervision of a trained professional has helped many couples better understand each other and improve the quality of their marriage. Be sure to do your homework before deciding on a therapist. Just because someone has a title and license does not mean they’re any good at what they do. Make sure that your therapist has experience in transgender issues, and look into their track record.

Good luck
There is no magic solution to this dilemma. I hope that the two of you can work things out together and come to an understanding that is acceptable to both. At the very least, I hope that the two of you can the find happiness that you each deserve, even if it is not with each other.

Offer your input to help a struggling marriage
I would ask those of you who have been where Georgette is now to please offer your input. If you were able to work things out, what seemed to help the most? Even if things didn’t work out, can you share any insight or important lessons learned? Perhaps you’re the wife of a crossdresser who has experienced similar concerns. What advice can you offer Georgette (or anyone in her situation) that you wish someone could have offered you?

 
Related content:

• Dear Gabi Advice Column
• Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page
• How to Tell Your Wife You’re a Crossdresser
• Crossdressing Myths & Misconceptions

Thanks for your page, I will be back to visit. I have dressed off/on since 5 years old. In an off phase went dated and married.

Had gotten back into and understand and accept now that it is part of me and great stress relief. Almost cost me my job due to poor reaction to stress.

I was trying to decide how to talk with my wife about it and left a journal site open. Now she knows before I was quite ready. I have seen your How to Tell Your Wife You’re a Crossdresser page but am looking for any other help tips there might be. If you have any, thanks.

I haven’t looked at everything here but your en femme pictures are awesome, you make very nice looking woman. If I can get half as cute as you I will be happy.

Good luck and enjoy in the future.

Sincerely,

Georgette

 

You’re off to a good start, even if it doesn’t feel that way to you right now. In accepting and embracing this aspect of your life, you have laid the foundation of stability on which to grow and evolve as a person. It’s healthier for one to allow oneself to be who they truly are rather than to deny or suppress it (barring circumstances that would be harmful to others).

In my opinion, it is best to share the truth with one’s spouse. We all have our personal matters of privacy. The difference between personal privacy and marriage-deal-breakers should be obvious between two people who know each other well enough to have tied the knot. If a marriage fails as a result personal disclosures, it is usually indicative of the fact it had a poor foundation to begin with (under false pretense). Concealed/hidden truths rarely make for a successful marital formula. I think you’re decision to tell your wife is the right call and a respectable move on your part. She deserves to know.

The worst takes place in your own mind
It is unfortunate that your wife discovered your feminine side before you were emotionally ready to disclose it – more so for you than for your spouse. The good news is, the fear and uncertainty you’re experiencing is probably more the result of over-thinking than anything else.

I understand you’ve been doing your homework and reading up on how to properly explain things to your wife. That’s a very intelligent move on your part and will benefit both of you. Concentrate your emotional energies on all that you’ve learned in your research and figure out how best to apply it to your own, unique situation.

It’s life as usual
Perhaps the best thing one can do after coming out to, or being discovered by their wife is to simply do nothing at all – at least at first. If the initial round of questions have been addressed, then you should give your wife some space and allow her ample time to process the information at her own pace. For many women, it can be a lot to take in, and understandably so.

This is where it can be difficult on your part, in terms of not quite being ready for this moment just yet. You might be filled with even more questions, concerns, and uncertainty than your wife. The fear and uncertainty a common emotion for those who are newly out to their spouse.

It is in your best interest to simply go about “life as usual” until your wife is ready to discuss things further and approaches you about it. This means do whatever you would normally do as if nothing has changed. Even if you’re not feeling the most confident inside, you had best put those feelings aside for now and put on a smile for the woman you love. Your wife has a lot to process and you need to let her know (by example) that everything is ok.

Danger, Will Robinson!
There is a trap that crossdressers often fall into – especially those who are newly out to a significant other. It’s what I call the “Is it because I’m a crossdresser?” syndrome. With the knowledge that your wife now knows about this aspect of your life, you may begin to question little things that were not much of a concern before. The reality is, people have disagreements and various ups and downs in their relationships. That’s the norm across the board. The fact that you’re a crossdresser has little (if anything) to do with that, except for in your own mind. If you ever find yourself wondering if something is wrong and ponder the question: “Is it because I’m a crossdresser?”, chances are, you’re just being paranoid. This is your que to immediately drop that thought process before you inadvertently stir up trouble where there was none to begin with. Your wife knows, and she didn’t run screaming or lay into you about it – that says a lot.

The marital trouble that occurs after coming out to (or being outed to) one’s wife is often the result of a paranoid transgender who has subconsciously instigated trouble all on their own. If you go looking hard enough for a problem in a specific area, you might just find what you were looking for… after having caused it yourself. It may not be easy, but take my advice when I say: do not go there. Should you find your thoughts dwelling on this paranoid line of reasoning, heed my warning.

It’s not the end of marital happiness if…
Your wife may end up understanding you better in time, and choose not to be an active participant in this aspect of your life. There is nothing that says she has to, either. This is a choice you must allow her to make for herself, and respect her decision should it be that of non-participation. It’s always more enjoyable when this can be shared between partners, but it’s not for everyone.

It’s not the end of the road if your wife doesn’t want to be take part of this aspect of your life. It is normal for wives and husbands to each pursue their own individual interests outside of that which they share with each other.

I am reminded of a popular tech podcast I enjoy. The podcaster eats, breathes, and lives tech. His wife does not. Their together life is pretty tech-limited. She has her thing, and he has his. Together they are a loving couple with other cross-over interests.

Being a tech-enthusiast is a very different animal than being transgendered. The point is that all married couples have their together-interests, and their separate-interests. It is up to each couple to settle upon that which is essential to share together, and that which can be enjoyed separately in order for the marriage to work best.

Take it easy and enjoy each moment for what it is
Sit tight, relax, and let things play out as they will. If you run into bumps along the way, do not stress. Bumps can be discussed and evened out later on. Be there for your wife and answer her questions with complete honesty. Don’t push her or rush anything. Above all – be the loving, caring, supportive spouse she’s always known and loved.

Good luck, and I wish all the best for you and your wife.

 
Related content: Dear Gabi Advice Column

Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page

 

When I arrived home from work the other day, my wife was peaking out of the door smiling at me as I parked the car. I greeted her with a hug and kiss. She gave me a big smile and said, “Thank you for coming out to me.” It made me happy to hear, although I was a bit surprised she brought it up out of the blue.

“What makes you say that right now?”, I asked. She replied, “I’m just very happy that you love me, trust me enough to tell me your deepest secrets, and can be completely open with me.” We took a walk in our back yard, hand-in-hand, and enjoyed each others company while chatting about our day.

I came out to her only last year, after more than a decade of marriage. I wish I had come out years ago. She’s been very accepting of my crossdressing and helpful in making it possible. Mrs. H. treats me well and puts up with a lot from me (I’m not exactly an easy person to live with). Regardless of my quirks and faults, she loves me as I am. For the record, I do not consider crossdressing to be a “quirk” or a “fault”, but rather a personal trait.

The love I share with my wife runs deep and she fills my life with with happiness and joy. It was only after coming out to her that I truly realized the full extent of her love. She even told me how “interesting” she thought I was. In other words, she’s happier to have a husband (and part time t-girl) who’s not just another average guy.

Understandably, a lot of crossdressers are still hiding this part of their lives from their spouses. Many have have come out to their wives, only to be told things like “I don’t want any part of it” or “Either you stop, or I’m leaving you and you’ll never see your kids again…” It breaks my heart that so many people like me end up with a woman who does not fully love and accept them. It almost seems wrong choosing to stay with such a person, although I understand there are strong feelings of attachment and need involved.

No one (man or woman) should settle for less than a spouse who truly loves them completely. Whether you’re a crossdresser or not, if your significant other does not wholly love you as you are, that ought to tell you something. My marriage is far from perfect and has its share of turbulence, but my wife and I have learned to communicate pretty well. We make a good effort to work out our differences and try to understand how each other feels.

I count my blessings and don’t take Mrs. H. for granted. She’s stood by my side through some very difficult times. When we hear the song “I’ll Stand by You” by The Pretenders, it reminds us of our relationship. It almost seems to be written from the perspective of my wife, to me. I get choked up listening to it sometimes.

Thank you for standing by me, my loving wife. Thank you for understanding and being there for me. I’ll be there for you too, always.

It seems like a million years ago and just yesterday at the same time. I was 12 years old and it was undoubtedly the single most traumatic event of my youth. The devastating emotional impact lasted for many years after.

I first realized my desire to dress in women’s clothes at about the age of 3 or 4. I didn’t know what it all meant, but I knew enough to keep it a secret. It’s interesting that even at such a young age, the social taboo of crossdressing was already heavily cemented in my mind. It seems like from the time I was born, I was taught of the need to fit in to the socially accepted norm of the “male gender role” because of my sex. How else would a 4 year old know to guard this little secret as if his life depended on it?

Unfortunately, I did not guard my secret well enough. One evening, while my parents were out, I took advantage of the opportunity to try on one of my mother’s skirts. I had done this in secret several times throughout my short life. I don’t know how my mother entered the house, walked up the stairs, and opened the door to her bedroom without me hearing a sound. I just remember hearing her voice out of nowhere saying, “What are you doing?” Stunned and terrified, I looked up to find her standing in the doorway just a few feet away.

“I just wanted to see what it felt like to wear a dress.”, I replied. It was really a skirt, but I used the two terms somewhat interchangeably then. With a stern angry look on her face, she told me, “Get it off.”, and then gave me a brief moment of privacy to change.

My parents weren’t supposed to be home for some time yet. There should have been some kind of noise when they entered the house. No, this didn’t just happen… My mind was racing with terrible thoughts while trying to process the reality of the situation and figure out what would take place next. I’m some kind of terrible freak, committed a sin sure to land me in hell, and my mother was probably about to send me there herself.

She came up to my room to talk with me a short while later. A was asked a lot of questions, one of which was had I ever done that before. I lied and told her it was the first time. I pretended to just be curious about what it felt like to wear a skirt and how to sit properly while wearing one, etc. I begged her not to tell my father. I’m not sure if she did or not, but he never mentioned it. I don’t remember the whole conversation we had, but it really made me feel bad about who I was.

I was terribly embarrassed by the incident. I wasn’t sure if she bought my explanation of simple curiosity. I knew what I was… or at least that I liked dressing like a girl. Everything in my world told me that it was wrong to have desires like that. Now my mother knew as well, or so I believed she did after getting busted.

This incident in my life marked the beginning of my downward spiral into the madness, depression, self-loathing and confusion that became my teen years. This was the day I began to really hate myself. I put on women’s clothes, liked it, and my mother witnessed. I believed that the only thing worse than dressing like a girl was the fact that I actually wanted to dress like one. What was wrong with me?

Society has pretty strict rules about this kind of thing. Men/boys have to be masculine, period. Being a “girly-man” is something one should be ashamed of. I wanted to be feminine and pretty, but everything around me indicated that was wrong and that I was a sick person for being this way.

I didn’t know how to deal with the intense embarrassment of getting caught and scolded by my mother. I couldn’t have felt worse about myself. There was no one I could turn to. I didn’t understand why I was this way. I couldn’t erase what happened. I wanted to die. Death was far preferable to living as some kind of terrible, worthless freak that people would surely laugh at, ridicule, and maybe even harm if they knew.

In my later teens I made multiple attempts to kill myself, getting a little closer to success with each try. It landed me in the hospital on a couple of occasions. I almost succeeded that last time. Being a crossdresser, and feeling terrible about it, was at the heart of my own insecurities, low self-esteem, and deep self-hatred. I couldn’t tell anyone though.

It is interesting that as I think back to this time in my life, the memory is still very painful and intense. It causes me to tear up if I recollect for too long. I will forever bear the scares of my suicidal stupidity – reminders of my dark past and how far I’ve come.

My story has a happy ending though. It took a little more than three and a half decades to figure out, but I finally learned how to accept myself as a crossdresser. There is nothing wrong with who I am – the problem lies within the social stigma of being a crossdresser and the way much of society treats us.

It is not a sickness, addiction, compulsion, disorder, or something that requires treatment to overcome. It is, in fact, simply who I am. Just as some people are born left-handed, some men are born with a strong feminine side. Ask any trained psychiatric professional and they will confirm. For whatever reason, society frowns heavily on such things.

When I accepted who and what I am, I stopped hating myself. I even learned how to love myself. I cannot properly describe the beautiful feeling – truly loving who I am. It is something I once believed to be never achievable. I now love being a crossdresser. I’m a girly-man and don’t feel bad about it at all. It is simply who I am and I love being me. I still have to hide my feminine side from most of the world in order to hold down a job, etc. but I’m not ashamed of who I am anymore. God made me this way and I thank Him for it. The dark beast within turned out to be a beautiful gift. I now cherish and celebrate it.

Since embracing who I am, people who know me have noticed that I’m happier and a lot more easy going than I used to be. It surprised me that people noticed the difference and actually mentioned it.

If you’re a crossdresser and currently hate yourself as I once did, I share my personal struggles to let you know there is hope. You’ll never be cured of your desire to crossdress because there is nothing that can cure you of who you are. You can however, be cured of your self-hatred. There is nothing wrong with you or your desire to express yourself and how you feel by crossdressing. The only problem is with anyone who would try to change you or “fix” you and have you become someone that you are not.

If I learned how to accept who I am, then believe me – so can you… when you’re ready. I just hope you don’t take as long as I did to figure it all out. You’ve got a gift. Try to embrace and enjoy it. Anyone who says you’re crazy or would try to change you – they’re the one with the serious problem, not you. There is nothing healthy about trying to change who someone is when there is nothing wrong with them in the first place.

If you’re not a crossdresser, I hope this has somehow opened your eyes to what many of us go through. There is no reason to treat us poorly. We’re not freaks or terrible people. We feel pain just like anyone else. I hope you won’t look down up on me or anyone like me because we choose to be ourselves and embrace life as we are. Try to be open minded. If you know a transgendered person, please try to make them feel welcome in this world. Everyone needs to feel accepted for who they are.

It all seems so senseless to me now. There was no need for me to ever feel so bad about who I was. Why are gender differences treated like some mental disease by most of society? Why aren’t we taught the truth about this when we are young? Why is it such a big secret? Why is being a crossdresser something to make fun of? Who the hell began this way of thinking? Why are kids today still “protected” from such knowledge or taught that it is wrong it is to be this way? What purpose does all of this negative treatment of transgendered people serve?

Perhaps the most important question is how much longer will this continue? Sadly, the world is full of crossdressers who still hate themselves, and needlessly so. How many of them will succeed in their suicide attempts? How much longer will they live a life of personal torment? No one should ever have to suppress who they are in order to be accepted and respected. If someone is an ax murderer, then yes – repression is good. But simply being a crossdresser – what’s the problem, here?

One of the questions I’m often asked by other crossdressers is how did I come out to my wife. I enjoy a very happy marriage and my wife is an active participant in my crossdressing. She helped me learn how to apply makeup, shops for female clothing with me, and is supportive of my need to be myself.

So how did I do it? Why is it that the Fabulous Mrs. H. loves her crossdressing spouse, Gabrielle, when other crossdressers run into giant road blocks with their wives/girlfriends? I wish I could tell other crossdressers that it was how I came out to her, but the fact is how I came out had little to do with her acceptance of me.

Like many crossdressers, I got married without first telling my wife about this aspect of my life. At the time, I was very ashamed of it and feared she would reject me if she knew. The seeds of her acceptance however, were sewn long before we got married. Even so, I still greatly feared rejection from the woman I love more than anything.

In many ways, I guess you could say that I got very lucky when it comes to my wife. She’s a very open-minded woman and always has been. Unlike much of society, adhering to accepted social behaviors and standards has never been her way. Instead, she’s always just chosen to be who she is and live her life as she chooses. It really blew my mind as I got to know her better – just how open-minded she really was (and is). It was very refreshing and just what I needed in my life.

An Interesting Request
I clearly remember one particular request she made of me one day long ago. At the time, we had not been dating very long. The two of us were enjoying some time together at my place. With a playful smile, she asked if I would wear one of her miniskirts for her. She had extra clothes with her having spent the night. Being a crossdresser she didn’t need to twist my arm! Even so, I was very shy about this. At the time, I was still very ashamed about this aspect of my life… but what if she’s into this kind of thing? With an odd mix of reluctance and excitement, I put on her black, form-fitting miniskirt. That was all I wore on this day – no other women’s clothes at this time. Under the skirt, I wore men’s bikini underwear. She absolutely loved it and was smiling ear to ear. It was at this moment that I realized the potential to someday truly be myself around the woman I love… but that day would not come for many years.

Mixed Signals
Fast forward to our married years. On occasion, my wife asked me to dress up fully in women’s clothes (no makeup). It was kind of a kinky sex thing that she enjoyed. She’d pick out some of her clothes for me and I was always happy to wear them for her. This was not a frequent happening however, and she was always in control of when. Several times over the years I attempted to initiate some dress-up time with her, but she almost always shot it down, (unintentionally) making me feel very bad about myself in the process. She had no clue I was a crossdresser – she just thought I was a loving husband who was willing to do things with her that most men would not.

It seemed that only she could initiate feminine dress-up time and was turned off by my own requests to do so. Therefore I kept the truth about my crossdressing a carefully guarded secret for more than a decade (after getting married).

As the years went by, I secretly dressed up when alone in the house. Like most closeted crossdressers, I acquired many female clothing items over the years and kept a hidden stash. Keeping this big secret wore on me over time though. I needed to be me more than just when my wife was out of the house, or on the somewhat rare occasion she asked me to dress up for her.

Last year (2008), there was an increase in my wife’s requests for me to dress up. By this time, I also had some of my own female clothes donated to me by my wife, BUT also told that I was only to wear them around her and only when asked to.

The Game Plan
Here’s where the process of coming out of the closet began. Over the course of the year, I made it a point to initiate conversations about her kinky desires to see me in women’s clothes. A conscious effort was put forth to keep this in her mind as much as possible – get her talking about it, thinking about it, and offering new ideas on how to take this further and make it more enjoyable. It slowly worked. She began asking me to dress up more frequently and we were both having a great time with it. Little by little, more clothing items were added to my wife-donated women’s wardrobe. She even began purchasing items specifically for me to wear for her, rather than just giving me things from her own closet.

I kept at it – constantly jumping any opportunity to engage her in conversation about this subject, while carefully not going overboard with it. It wasn’t just about getting more dress-up time with my wife though. Each time, I made sure to fill in a little more of the puzzle for her. I carefully began to paint the picture of who I really am. Just little bits at a time though, carefully monitoring how she felt and where her mind was with things along each step of the way.

It was about half way through the year that I explained to her my desire to see myself fully dressed as a woman, complete with hair, makeup, nails, and the works. She liked the idea, but also displayed some uncertainty. I continued working on her and by August, the date was on the calendar. Because of a hectic and busy life (and needing to keep it a secret outside of us), being fully made up with nails, etc. is rather tricky. A small window of opportunity was present in December 2008 and we planned around it.

As the date drew nearer, I continued explaining more about myself with each dress-up session and in general conversations about it. It was working nicely. Slowly she was getting the picture about me. Slowly I was sharing myself with my wife… completely.

A Road Block
When the time came to be fully dressed up head to toe in full makeup, nails, etc., my wife got her period. She wasn’t feeling well and sex was pretty much out of the question. She wanted me to wait (to be made up fully in makeup) until another time… which would have been several months later. This is when I really connected the dots for her. This is when she finally started to understand that it’s not just about sex to me – it is, in fact, who I am and how I would choose to be if society didn’t force strict gender rules upon us.

She Finally Understood
Although very disappointed that she would be unable to engage in some amazing and wild sex with me fully dressed up, she really started to understand. She knew the terminology, what I desired, and how I felt. She fully understood my sexuality (100% straight). She understood that although sex-while-dressed is a mind-blowing experience for both of us… my crossdressing went well beyond just that aspect.

After waiting my entire life, I finally got to meet “Gabrielle” face to face, thanks to my loving wife and her open-minded understanding. I was finally out to my wife. She knew, she accepted, and she enjoyed seeing me completely dressed up in full makeup, nails painted, and looking mighty fine as Gabrielle Hermosa. That first time, she told me that she had never seen me smile so much in my entire life. It made her happy just to see me so happy.

Success
Dressing up was no longer limited to my wife’s requests and no longer limited to a sexual activity. The days of secretly dressing up when my wife was out of the house were finally over. I found a new freedom in my life and with it, a new sense of peace and happiness.

Since fully coming out, our marriage has only gotten better. It was very good before, but even better after. My wife is very much in love with the new t-girl in her life: Gabrielle. Now she enjoys the best of both worlds – her devoted, loving husband and her (also devoted) sexy, loving girlfriend.

My Wife’s Sexual Preference
Mrs. H. is not into genetic women in any romantic sense. I’ve tried to open her mind to that possibility only to get chewed out and told how much the idea turns her off. Not even mildly bi-curious on her part. She is fascinated with the idea of a man transforming himself in to the appearance of a beautiful woman though. This much, I’ve known for some time. She’s always been drawn to TV shows and films that feature some kind of crossdressing in them. As I was ashamed about my crossdressing for many years, she was also somewhat ashamed of (mainly just shy about) her desire to see a man dressed up like a woman. Neither one of us are ashamed any more though. We’re too busy being happy and enjoying each other… all three of us, if you will.

A Happy Ending
There you have it. A very successful coming out and happy ending. Honestly, it wasn’t a happy ending but rather a very happy new beginning. Our marriage ain’t perfect by any means, but like I said – it is a very happy one filled with lots of love, devotion, respect, support, understanding… and some amazing experiences that most married couples will never know. A marriage without (open) crossdressing seems so one-dimensional to me now.

Thank God the two of us found each other. It seems that so many crossdressers end up getting married to women who are anything BUT open-minded or accepting. Every woman is not going to enjoy being with a crossdressing husband, and that’s understandable. Different strokes for different folks. It seems like such a waste to me though: living with a woman who will never accept her husband for who he really is. I got lucky that my wife not only accepts my crossdressing, but also happens to enjoy it very much. Had things worked out differently, I’m certain my marriage would have failed. I got to the point where I needed to be me and couldn’t keep it inside anymore. If things did not work out well with my wife on the acceptance front, it would have marked the beginning of the end. As much as I love her, the need to be who I am is stronger than any force in my life. Thank you God, for sending this woman into my life!

The Future
Today, I’m out only to my wife… and therapist, but that doesn’t really count. I’m active the online crossdressing community, but I’m only known as my feminine side, Gabrielle, online. My wife knows, loves, and enjoys both Gabe and Gabrielle. Perhaps in time, I will just be out, period. Unfortunately, finding acceptance in society will not be as easy as finding it in my wife. Somehow I’ll make things work for me though. One day at a time. :)