Advancing technology opens up doors to new possibilities all the time. When it works, technology offers some powerful tools for productivity and artistic expression. Unfortunately, sometimes the very technology that is supposed to enable almost limitless potential, can instead stand in the way of accomplishment.

On Saturday I recorded what was supposed to be vlog entry #4. When it came time to edit the video into a more polished presentation, some serious road blocks got in the way. What should have required only a handful of hours to complete, quickly turned into a loosing battle against my glitchy video editing software. Attempting to salvage something usable from the failed project, I ended up with some new creative ideas – things that might not have come to mind had my stubborn video editing software cooperated with me.

One of my biggest pet peeves is anything that wastes my time. Free time is an elusive beast in my life these days. Mine might have been better utilized had I focused on something a little more straight forward. Instead, I spun my wheels while trying to get my video app. to do what it was supposed to be able to do, but refused to.

When it comes to video blogging, most people take a simple approach: record oneself talking to the camera and then publish the video with little or no editing. It’s basic, easy, effective and doesn’t require much of a time investment. Of course, I am not like most people. I usually prefer to dress up my videos, if only a little. Video production is somewhat of a creative outlet for me and I enjoy stretching my creative muscles. Whether or not I’m any good at it, creative expression is an essential part of my life.

All dressed up with no place to go, I shot some video to share that moment in time with others. There was no important message to deliver in the video, it was a simple chat session and supposed to be fun.

Even if no presentable video results from my efforts this past weekend, at least I ended up with a handful of decent images, including the photo used in this article. It is a still frame from the raw footage that has been transformed into a simple artistic expression of a failed video presentation.

Sometimes less is more. In this case, the single image is more effective than the thousands that would have made up the final video.

There isn’t anything really outstanding about the photo used in this post. I just liked how I looked in that moment and it seemed to provide a fitting expression in light of my uncooperative video tools. The “cut-out” look against video-static was a quick solution to an othetherwise plain, blah-background, and fitting to the theme.

It’s interesting how things turn out sometimes. I prefer things to go according to plan, but life often forces us in other directions. A failed project gives birth to new creative ideas that might not have been realized had things worked out as expected. It is a part of the creative process for many artistic types.

Instead of writing about and posting my latest video blog, I am reflecting on how there is usually some kind of silver lining in situations that don’t work out as hoped. From simple creative projects gone wrong, to more profound and meaningful things – one can almost always turn the remnants of failure into some kind of success.

Perhaps you have set out to accomplish something that didn’t go as planned, but still resulted in a positive outcome – maybe even better than was initially envisioned. How have you made the most of things that turned out differently than expected? Please take a moment to share a silver-lining experience or two of your own.

Update: Feb. 5, 2010
I ended up re-doing the simulated TV static background with a manipulated authentic one. The original image can be seen here, though only the background is different.

Update: April 16, 2010
I ended up publishing a shortened version of this video. It can be seen here.

Thank you
First off, many thanks to those of you who took the time to let me know how much you appreciate my efforts and hard work here. Also, thank you to those who have joined myCDlife via Google Friend Connect (upper-right column) and everyone who subscribes. It means so much to me and I send my love to each of you. :)

Break from writing, not from crossdressing
Based on input received, I think some people may have misunderstood my time off. I was (and will continue to some extent) taking a break from writing for this website. I was never taking a break from my crossdressing – far from it. More time has been devoted to exploration and growth in this aspect of my life.

Personal growth
On the personal front, I’ve been pushing myself and growing as a result. Not only have I gotten out in public as Gabrielle and interacted with others face to face, I’ve also come out of the closet to many people who’ve only known me as Gabe… more than I intended to, in fact. That’s quite an interesting story I’d like to share soon.

Writer’s block
Though much has happened in my life since I announced taking a break, a troublesome foe named “writer’s block” has reared its ugly head. There is no shortage of relevant things to share, but finding the time and writing it up well has been an issue as of late. Psychologically, it’s my mind telling me that I’m not ready and require more time away on that front. I’m pushing myself a little to get this down, but so far, so good.

Damage control
My insistent frequent publishing schedule took quite a toll on my personal life and I’m still picking up the pieces and trying to mend the damage. I won’t get too far into it again as I spelled out some of it in my previous post. You know the deal – my life is a very busy one and there wasn’t (and still isn’t) enough time to do it all. Sacrifices were made, and there are consequences for those choices. One cannot undo six months worth of personal-damage in just a few weeks time.

Relaxed publishing schedule
Because of time constraints and other responsibilities, new posts will probably be slow to come out for the foreseeable future. Content will be published (maybe) once a week or every other week or just whenever. I am not planning on sticking to any kind of publishing schedule for now.

Please spread the word
One of my failures with this website was (and is) the lack of time and resources devoted to promotion. If the content here has been meaningful to you and would like to see more, please share links to this site with your friends, family or anyone you feel may also enjoy and/or benefit from it. If you frequent any online communities and wouldn’t mind adding a link to this site in your signature and/or profile, I’d really appreciate the help.

What’s next?
In the immediate future, expect to see accounts of my personal growth process and hurdles faced along the way. It’s one thing to try and make a positive difference by writing and sharing knowledge online. It’s quite a different thing to get out into the world as Gabrielle and experience life as such. Sadly, this also includes experiencing society’s often poor treatment and even hatred of “social deviants” like me first hand. My brief exploration of the outside/offline world en femme so far has been awkward, empowering… and sometimes terrifying.

Most fresh in my mind is a recent experience in which employees of a popular wireless mobile phone service (who were on the clock) saw fit to openly express their hatred of me while out en femme. Getting laughed at as some kind of “crazy weirdo” is one thing, but experiencing focused hate first hand is a rather unsettling experience… which I’ll explain in more detail soon.

For the past six months, I’ve been unwisely burning the candle at both ends, spreading myself dangerously thin, and have little to show for all of the blood, sweat, and tears poured into my efforts. For me, this website isn’t a hobby, but rather an important platform in which to educate, entertain, communicate, and bring about positive change.

Between long hours at my day job, commute times, a strict daily exercise regimen, household chores and other responsibilities, there is little time left for much else. In order to maintain a frequent publishing schedule of quality content, I’ve been putting my personal life aside: neglecting responsibilities, sacrificing personal happiness, testing the strength of my marriage, and literally loosing sleep to keep up with it.

Unfortunately things haven’t panned out. My approach is flawed, and energy reserves dangerously low. I need to take a break, regroup and reevaluate.

This is not goodbye
Let me make it clear that I am not going away. The future of this website is somewhat uncertain, but it will not disappear, nor will I. If I am to invest so much of myself however, it needs to count for something. My passionate efforts to keep quality content continuously rolling out has been as about effective in accomplishing my goals as expending hundreds of gallons of gasoline just to move the car forward a few inches. I’m spinning my wheels and need to change tactics.

Making a positive difference
It should be evident in my writing that I’m trying to make a positive difference and change the game. My work is intended to (1) clear up confusion and ease suffering for crossdressers/transgendered people who struggle with this aspect of their lives (2) educate the (non-transgendered) public about the realities of the transgender spectrum and human condition (3) make it possible for crossdressers/transgendered people to be out in public, as we are, free of negative prejudice, ridicule, harassment, and harm.

Destroy the social stigma and the cause of associated confusion, pain and suffering in crossdressers/transgendered people will be eradicated. On the whole, it really is that simple. Making it a reality is anything but simple, but worthy of fighting for.

Reality check
I understand that I can’t change the world and force enlightenment on a society that is more comfortable clinging to the past. Even so, I can make a difference and choose to do just that.

A meaningful and rewarding career
In order to devote proper time and resources into making a real difference, I need to do this full time. The only way that would be possible is if I no longer required the income of my day job, or somehow was able to turn this into my day job. For all of my hard labor thus far, I am no closer to making much of a difference, nor transforming my work into a meaningful and rewarding career in which my time and energy invested also allowed me to put food on the table. As stated, I’ve been going about it the wrong way.

Does it really matter?
I’m not sure why I’m explaining any of these things or if it really matters to people. More was deleted from this post than left in. Does anyone really care about what goes on behind the scenes and how much hard work really goes into this? It may seem overly dramatic – just how serious I am and my insistent devotion to making positive changes in the world. To some, perhaps it is even laughable that I care so deeply and willingly choose to put so much time and effort into what I do.

Much to think about
I’m going to relax for a while and just enjoy life a little. It is something I have not allowed myself to do for the last six months. In my time off, I’ll try to figure out where to go from here and how to make the most effective difference for the hard work invested. Ideas are constantly evolving and being processed in my mind. The ways in which one can effectively make a positive difference in the world are numerous. There are also some personal goals I haven’t had time to work on while keeping up with things here. I’d like to make some progress on that front as well.

Don’t forget me while I’m gone
I’m not really going anywhere – just taking time off from creating new content while I sort some things out. Comments will still be monitored and published. Communication with visitors and friends will not stop.

I’d love to hear from you
If you’ve enjoyed my offerings, and/or found something meaningful here, please leave a comment and let me know. I appreciate very much those of you who have taken the time to leave comments before and hope you’ll continue to do so.

Many visitors remain silent. I understand if you’re shy or maybe don’t have much to say, but please take a moment or two to share. If you’d rather communicate your thoughts privately than in a public comment, you can do so in this contact form. Please let me know why you visit, what you like, what you don’t, and what you’d like to see in the future. Write as much or as little as you want. Tell me what’s on your mind. Your words will help shape the future of this website, as will your silence.

Interpersonal relationships are complex and often fragile things. The complexity level differs from relationship to relationship. Obviously a superficial relationship does not hold much in terms of its complexity, but a close friendship and love can be so complex that rocket science seems easier to understand in comparison.

Being a crossdresser, I’d say my very life is far more complex than most. That’s not a bad thing – I enjoy a very rich life, filled with emotions and experiences most people will never comprehend. It’s incredibly fulfilling. Crossdressers differ greatly, but I think it’s safe to say that the level of complexity in the close friendship of two crossdressing friends can be very high. Seriously, I’d like to see the rocket scientist of psychologists try and formulate this stuff accurately.

It’s hard to make friends in the world. I’m not talking about your everyday acquaintances that share in small talk and the likes – I mean a true friend: someone you can confide your personal feelings in and will be there for you. It’s even harder to accomplish this when you’re a crossdresser. There’s that extra level or two (or three thousand) of complexity to deal with. Only a crossdresser can truly understand the mind of another crossdresser. Finding a good friendship match among them is not easy.

Sometimes I have trouble with my emotions. It seems to only happen with my feminine side, since that is where most of my emotions reside (or something like that). My man-side doesn’t bother with personal relationships much, aside from the one I share with my own wife. In that regard, not much can go wrong, with the exception of the occasional marital issues that pop up in the lives of all married couples.

In a recent series of communications with a close friend, a crossdresser much like myself, some very heavy emotions crept up on me. I got too emotional, cried several times, and started to stray off the path of intelligence. Emotions sometimes do that to people. Honestly, this is one aspect of crossdressing I really don’t enjoy – the heavy emotions it often stirs up in me. I mean, leave this stuff for the real women, please!

I’ve got some issues in my life to deal with. Who doesn’t? I’d say love is a tough issue in my life. Not the kind of love I share with my wife – that’s a very beautiful and meaningful part of my life. Rather, the love, closeness and understanding a good friend can provide. It does weird things to me, like make me want to run away and never look back, or perhaps just go bowling with a watermelon. Seriously, it can scare me sometimes. Perhaps that is why my man-side keeps people at such a distance. That way I don’t end up getting emotional or anything. After all, society frowns heavily on an emotional man. That’s not very macho now, is it? And crying? How dare a man cry! And so I don’t… not my man-side, anyway.

A friend got in really close recently. It touched me… and unfortunately got me very emotional – to an unhealthy extent. I started feeling emotionally insecure and sharing things I should not have. All the while TVOW kept shouting: DANGER! DANGER Will Robinson!

Life can be such an interesting ride. I didn’t listen to TVOW when I should have. It may have cost me the best friend I’ve had in more than 20 years… outside my own loving wife. What happens next? I really don’t know. I’m sad right now, as I write this, but oddly enjoying the moment at the same time. My would-be friend cracked open a dimension in my life I shut down long ago. There is pain to be felt here… but also joy. How very strange.

I do not yet know the extent of damage caused by my recent emotional eruption. If it cost me a friend, I think I’ll be ok. You see, I learned a very important lesson. Not only is it important to listen to and OBEY that voice or wisdom in the back of my head… but it is also important to allow myself to love a friend, and be loved by a friend in return. I doubt this is new to many people. It’s not new to me. But truly understanding it is.

Here’s to you, my unnamed friend. I’m sorry… and thank you.