My name’s Angel and I have a crossdressing boyfriend, “Sullie”. We’re still in highschool, and have been dating for two years, but I’ve only just found out that he’s a crossdresser because he has been afraid to tell me because of how I may have reacted. I fully accept him, and try to encourage him to be himself no matter what. I am 1 of 5 people who know, but none of his friends or family know.

I’m almost sadden by the fact that he had took so long, after I’ve been very vocal on my opinions about Gay, Bi, Lesbian and etc decisions in life. I myself am Bisexual, but Sullie’s the only person for me.

He’s become a shell of himself and is still nervous when he dresses around me. He feels he is a freak, and “not normal.” This is what saddens me the most. His acceptance in society won’t be felt for a while. Like said, I fully, 100% support him in any way possible. He is himself, and that’s what I fell in love with, nothing less.

Our first year together, he wasn’t the most faithful, but something held me to him. Something told me to stay. After he came out, things have been so much better. We are stronger, and I can honestly say, I have never ever felt closer to him.

Sully has always had a quality about him, a shy nature. But as he has progressed in his nature and sexuality, he’s become ashamed of himself – not at all times, but it’s definitely a mental state of depression that I hate to see him go through. He’s never been sure of himself, inside and out. Now that I know, it’s boosted him slightly, but not enough for him to come out as Sullie to other people.

I sometimes get frustrated because some of the comments his friends make without knowing honestly offend him, but he can’t say anything. He’s 16. Do you have any advice for us? And advice for confidence for him?

Angel

Dear Angel,

I can relate to Sully’s feelings of depression, nervousness, and feeling like a freak. Been there. Done that! It’s not easy growing up in a world that openly rejects and ridicules differences in people. Looking back at my own teen years, I’m amazed at how far I’ve come, in terms of conquering the feelings of shame and depression once tied to being transgender.

Your frustration is understandable. Watching the one you love experience these complex difficulties can truly be heart-breaking. The good news is that things do get better. Over time, being trans becomes less of a burden and more of a cherished personal trait. At least it has for myself and many other trans-folk.

A good first step on the road to feeling better about oneself is to reflect upon the reality of things and put them into proper perspective. There is nothing I can say that will magically fix anyone’s problems, but a little perspective goes a long way. Let’s shine a little light of reason into that murky fog of uncertainty that’s been causing so much trouble for you both.

Coming out is hard to do
Try not to feel like something is wrong because it took Sully so long to come out to you. Even if you may have welcomed the news from day one, it’s not as simple from a crossdresser’s point of view, especially at the age of 16. You seem like such an open-minded girl, and I’m sure Sully picked up on that early on. It’s a good bet that your being so open-minded and cool about differences in people plays a significant role in how he feels about you. Even so, the fear of rejection can be overwhelming.

Society is a little more comfortable, on the whole, with people being gay/lesbian. The haters are unfortunately still a plenty, but the majority of people will not have an issue in knowing that someone is gay. It is even reflected in entertainment very much today – gay characters are becoming more prevalent and are generally received positively. Crossing the gender line however, still has a long, long way to go. Crossdressing is still generally viewed as a mental illness, perversion, or many other negative things. Because it carries a significant level potential negative fallout in the eyes of many crossdressers, it makes it that much harder to come out.

If it helps any, I was 13 years into my marriage before having the confidence to come out to my wife. Needless to say, my own powerful insecurities about being transgender was a tremendous hurdle to overcome.

Feeling like a freak
I used to feel like a freak, too. So much so, that I really hated myself for being trans. I didn’t understand what it meant and was certain that if anyone ever found out, I’d be ridiculed right off the face of the planet. I would have rather died than have anyone find out. As I grew, evolved, and learned more, I felt less like a freak and became more comfortable with who I am. These days, several people know that I live part time in female form, and I’m not embarrassed about it in the slightest.

In high school, it’s pretty common for teenagers to feel like they’re a freak for one reason or another, at least at some point. I never shared my secret while I was still in school, but I remember several friends sharing things with me in confidence about why they felt like “freak”. The specifics are not important, but the reason was, and still is, always the same. The social structure in high school is all about conformity, being popular/well liked, and just plain fitting in. When something makes a teenager feel as if they don’t fit in, or wouldn’t fit in if others knew whatever (it need not be restricted to being trans), personal insecurities sprout up and wreak havoc on self-esteem. Once the nutty social structure of high school life has been left in the past, all those fears about being a freak, whatever the reason may be, fade away as little more than a bad memory about the strange beast known as teenage life.

It’s no news to you, Angel, but Sullie is most certainly NOT a freak – no more than I am, anyway. Crossdressing may not be very popular in mainstream society, and probably even less so in high school, but simply having unpopular personal traits does not mean anything is wrong or needs “fixing”.

The terrible things teenagers say
A sad reality among many teenagers is a frequent tendency to make fun of anything they feel they can chip away at. It may be just to get a laugh from friends, or intended to elevate one’s social standing by belittling others. The social structure in high school is so very different than the “real world”; life beyond high school. When you’re still in high school, it’s pretty hard to fathom any other way of life. Even if I or other survivors try to explain how different it is post-high school, it probably seems like so far away to anyone who still has a year or two or three left to go. Don’t get me wrong – people can still be plenty rude and barbaric, but it’s not as common, and the social structure is quite different.

Things are not always what they seem
There’s a good chance that Sully’s friends have no idea that what they’re saying is so terrible, or how it affects someone they call a friend. The mean-spirited remarks might be more of an attempt at “fitting in” or diverting attention away from themselves, than anything else. Perhaps certain comments are made primarily because “everyone else talks like that” and there is some “monkey see, monkey do” going on.

Unless you’re quite certain as to the underlying motivation for the mean comments, consider trying to find out. Passively studying the social behavior of people over time can reveal a lot about what is sincere opinion and what is automatic conformity-talk. I advise extreme caution should you choose to somehow confront said friends about it, though. By confronting them, potential to learn more, faster, is there, however it may also send out undesirable signals. I recommend the passive route here, unless your social prowess allows for a truly stealthy approach in your real objective when engaging in exploratory conversation with the offenders.

Some people are just shy
It sounds like Sully is somewhat shy and introverted by nature. There’s really nothing wrong with that. It’s a very common trait, and one that I share myself. Feeling ashamed of oneself when there is noting to be ashamed of however, is a different story.

Internalized transphobia
For many crossdressers, there is a strong sense of shame tied to the act of, and very real need to crossdress. Most of us, myself included, once viewed our need to crossdress as some kind of crazy compulsion that we couldn’t control, and it made no sense as to why. We’re taught (by society/peers) that we have to be “manly men” and anything not fully masculine is bad, wrong, undesirable, etc. Our need to feel and express femininity is in conflict with the social “norms” (note the quotes) of the masculine-only form and behavior that is expected of us as genetic males. That conflict, and feeling of being “all alone” in our differences, is part of what leads to the sense of shame. “We’re not like the others, therefore something must be wrong with us.”

Many crossdressers suffer from internalized transphobia. There is a fairly complex psychology behind it, but the short definition is the sense of shame that goes along with disliking (sometimes hating) oneself for being transgender. It is a learned behavior, typically caused by bearing witness to a lifetime of people expressing their dislike, hatred, detest, etc. for transgender people. That dislike and hatred can be expressed in a variety of ways, from mean-spirited jokes and disparaging remarks, to acts of violence.

Because internalized transphobia is learned behavior, it can also be unlearned. The realization that there is, in fact, nothing wrong with being trans and that it is a very normal (if not always popular) and common trait among countless men is a good start. Self-acceptance and embracing oneself as the person they are (as opposed as to what others may prefer them to be) is key to overcoming internalized transphobia and its devastating affects on one’s self-esteem. There’s nothing easy about stomping out this venomous demon, but if I can do it, anyone can, and that’s the truth. Anyone who truly wants to overcome the senseless shame can do just that.

Becoming more self-confident
I’m going to address you directly from this point forward, Sully. It’s easy to say, and hard to do, but it is absolutely true: if you believe, you can achieve. If you have a strong desire to be more self-confident; if you really want it, you will indeed achieve your goal. The key here is that you really have to want it, and not view it as a “nice to have, but…” kind of thing.

If your lack of self-confidence is, at least in part, tied to your being trans and a sense of shame over that aspect of your life, then I hope that you’ve been paying close attention to everything I’ve said so far. The feeling of being different, and the hurtful things others say about people who are different, may remain be a sore point for a while. If you choose to believe and embrace the truth over the bullsh*t lies and disparaging jokes, your insecurities about them will subside over time. It all depends on how you choose to look at things, and it is very much a choice.

You might consider writing down the things that bother and make you uncomfortable, either with who you are, or in how you feel others see you. After the list is complete, review and reflect. How many of the items are truly problem areas, as opposed to just feeling out of sync with your peers? I understand that just “feeling out of sync with peers” can carry significant emotional weight, regardless. If you keep the proper perspective about it, you may find that it’s better to be out of sync with certain people, than to be like them – especially if these people have a negative influence on how you feel about yourself.

Fake it ’till you make it
A helpful way to combat low self-esteem is to simply behave in a way that displays self-assurance and confidence to others. I’m not suggesting acting boastful or anything like that, but rather exhibiting a positive demeanor, carrying yourself with confidence, and putting out subtle signals that tell others you’re content and happy with your life, even if you don’t feel that way inside. It may not make sense to “pretend” feeling better, but this approach can be beneficial by creating a positive feedback loop. In other words, going through the motions (of feeling good/confident about yourself) can affect how well your day goes, which can in turn, have a positive affect on how you really feel, which will then create a more natural positive influence on how your day goes, etc. To be successful at it, you’ll need to be dedicated, practice, and work at it over a long period of time. You’ll also need to set some rules designed to keep yourself in check, such as: reflecting on how your day went, how your mood was, and what factors influenced them. Assess how you behaved and reacted to events that may have been stressful or upsetting, and what kind of signals you sent out to others in your reaction and subsequent behavior. Make a note of where you fall short of the kind of behavior you’d like to show the world, and think about what might have worked better if you had it to do all over again. Write them down as that can be helpful to strengthen your memory. Over time, you will be able to modify how you act in situations and even how you feel about them inside. This will only help if you work at it and stick with it long term. I hope you can put a little faith in the words of wisdom from someone who’s been there and truly understands what it’s like to experience the problems that have been troubling you.

It gets better
It gets better, Sully. That’s the truth. It may be hard to see when you’re 16 and stuck in “high school life” for a couple more years yet, but it will get better and you’ll soon be enjoying life as the beautiful person you are, rather than being ashamed of or embarrassed by it. There’s really nothing to be ashamed of… unless you intend to let others dictate the kind of person you’re allowed to be, and how you can and cannot live your life. Now that would be big a shame. I think you’re smarter than that, though.

Good luck
Many best wishes to both of you. There will be struggles and bumps along the way, but if you remain dedicated and patient, the rewards of your efforts will be well worth the investment.

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I am a straight SWF and actress. Can you explain why some dressers are straight, some are bi, and some are gay? Do they find dressing sexual at all? Do they have a special id with their mothers or sisters? Does each prefer specific items of clothing, or soft, silky fabric? Is the attraction to the clothing, or the idea of being a sexually appealing or soft female? Would they be more attracted to a more feminine or masculine looking and acting woman?

I have encountered many cross-dressers in Las Vegas, in and out of the entertainment industry. Most are very shy about revealing their preferences. Most surprising is that most focus on one specific garment ie shoes, lingerie, mini-skirts, that is associated with female sexuality. That is why I was trying to understand the psychology behind it.

Thanks for your response. Many girls are just curious.

Davida-Rochelle

Dear Davida-Rochelle,

I appreciate your curiosity and am glad you’ve taken the time to do a little research on the topic of crossdressing.  It is often quite the mystery to non-trans folk.  It can be a pretty big mystery, and rather confusing for crossdressers, too.  At least at first. I am not shy about this aspect of my life though, and happy to provide some insight.

The questions are often the same, but the answers are not
So why are some crossdressers straight, some bi, and others gay?  Perhaps it might put things in perspective to ponder the question: why are some non-crossdressers straight, bi, or gay?  The short answer to all of these questions is that crossdressers are as varied and different as non-crossdressers.  There’s really no way to easily sum up the choices and differences for all non-crossdressers.  The same applies for crossdressers.

Crossdressing is a mystery… but not really
The reason crossdressing seems pretty mysterious to many is simply the result of lack of knowledge, social intolerance, the taboo factor, and the fact that crossdressing is often seen as some kind of abnormality, sickness, perversion, confusion, etc.  Being trans is no more abnormal than being left-handed or having artistic tendencies or preferring the color green over blue.  Crossdressing is simply unpopular (in the mainstream), and unpopular things are often shunned.

The answer to the rest of your questions are yes or no, depending on the crossdresser being assessed.  I’d love to be able to give you a straight answer (no pun intended), but it doesn’t work like that.  Additionally, whether the answer to the questions are yes or no, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the “yes” or “no” has any direct connection to the motivation for crossdressing.

Lack of knowledge leads to incorrect conclusions
Because of the general lack of knowledge (about crossdressing) among non-trans folk, many people tend to fill in the blanks with reasoning that seems logical to them.  I would compare it to a young child watching television at an early age.  Not understanding the technology at work and having only a very limited comprehension of the world around them, it is common for young children to logically deduce that the people they see on the screen are somehow actually *inside* the device itself.

I commend you for choosing to research this topic rather than write it off as some kind of inexplicable oddity.  Perhaps the best thing you can do to understand what drives (genetically male) trans-folk to exhibit a preference toward a female appearance/expression is to forget all the cliches and misconceptions you’ve heard to this point in your life.  Keep in mind that being trans is (sadly) just unpopular and not some kind of separate off-shoot form of the human condition.  We’re all different individuals – trans and non.  Trying to figure out why someone crossdresses is a bit like trying to figure out why one of your girlfriends likes a certain type of guy, or prefers to dress in one style over another.  Why does anyone prefer what they do? Preferences are simply preferences, whether it be style, food, gender expression, or anything else, everyone has their own.

Here’s how it works for me
If it may help, I will directly answer your questions as they pertain to me.  My preferences do not reflect those of all crossdressers any more than the preferences/choices of any one non-crossdresser can represent all non-crossdressers.  I’ve interacted with many trans-folk and discovered more differences than similarities. The major similarity is the most basic element: genetic males expressing feminine tendencies, mainly in appearance and choice of self-presentation.

What is my sexual preference?
All I can say is that I love women, period.  I’ve always admired, been attracted to, and even jealous of beautiful women.  The thought of being with a male in any romantic capacity is repulsive to me.  As a tgirl, I guess I’m kind of a lipstick lesbian.  As a man, I’m just another straight guy.

Do I find dressing (in women’s clothes) sexual?
It used to be very sexually arousing to wear women’s clothing.  Over the years, the arousal (tied to dressing) has faded away. It has become more comfortable and natural feeling to dress up like and express a female presentation.  It reduces my stress, makes life more enjoyable, and in a nutshell, simply makes me feel more alive, period.

Do I have a special id/connection to my mother?
No, not in the slightest.  I love my mother, but never found her particularly attractive, nor was I particularly close to her.  I do not identify with her at all, in terms of my feminine expression.

Do I prefer soft, silky clothing?
Sometimes.  Don’t most genetic women?  I prefer that which makes me feel most feminine.  Soft, silky and comfortable are preferable, but I have a strong preference for certain styles and colors (noticeable in my photos). The feel of clothing is not as much a factor as how I look in them.

Am I attracted to female clothing…
I am more attracted to a woman dressed in a manner that I consider to be desirable (presentation, style, etc.).  I look at some women’s clothing and have a strong desire to wear them, and also see my wife wearing them, too, but I can’t say I’m attracted to the clothing itself.

…or the idea of being sexually appealing?
I do very much like the idea of being attractive in my feminine form.  Don’t most genetic women want to be seen as attractive or “sexually appealing”?  Not all do, but I think you understand my meaning. My style-preference is toward more sexy looks and I exercise daily and work hard to shape my body so that I can pull off those looks.

I think it is important to mention
My feminine form is far preferable to my male, but even in guy-mode, I put more emphasis on, and take the time to look good as a man, than most do. In the 90′s, when I was still in self-denial about being trans, I pumped iron, bulking up to achieve a muscular physique in an effort to appear attractive and “sexually appealing” in a masculine form. It’s important to keep things in perspective – the desire to be attractive and sexually appealing is pretty universal, and is not unique to transgender folk, or even genetic women. It’s common for people to view transgenderism, in its many forms, as if it is a unique category with its own separate reasoning and psychology. The reality is, most humans share very similar psychological reasoning, in terms of the desire to feel attractive and be seen as attractive by others.

Am I attracted more to a feminine or masculine woman?
Feminine, definitely.  I’ve always been highly attracted to ultra-feminine women – those who have longer, well maintained hair, put great care into their makeup, have painted nails, wear form-fitting clothes, have nice curves, and an overall highly feminine presence.  I’m not against women not wearing makeup or not choosing to appear highly “feminine”, but it isn’t sexually appealing to me (not being highly feminine).

Self-attaction
It wasn’t mentioned directly, but I think it may have been the goal, at least in part, of the “the idea of being a sexually appealing or soft female” question. Self-attraction is a pretty lengthy discussion point in itself. Like crossdressing, it is also often viewed as some kind of strange, deviant behavior. Without delving too much into actual topic of how self-attraction works and the fact that it is fairly common (among genetic women, not just crossdressers), I’m not shy about addressing it.

Am I attracted to myself? Most certainly not in my male form. In my feminine form; as a tgirl however, yes I am… sometimes, anyway. There are times when I look at myself in the mirror, or in photos, and think I look very attractive, and also experience a sense of attraction to my own image. Once again, it is important to keep things in perspective here. I’ve written about how my wife is attracted to herself sometimes, too. It’s not too uncommon among genetic women. As it becomes less taboo (mainly among the younger generation) for “straight” women to exhibit bisexual behavior, engaging in sexual acts with other women, the self-attraction aspect is also becoming less “weird & unmentionable” and more accepted as normal.

Replacing mystery with understanding
I hope this helps put things more in perspective and provide a little more understanding. Believe it or not, this is the “short response” to the very complex array of answers and reasoning required to properly address these questions. I could write a rather lengthy book on the complexities involved, however I currently lack the time to devote to such an undertaking.

Publishers (or any financial backer) interested in putting out a book on this topic, written by an author who truly understands the subject and has the ability to explain the vast “mysteries” with logical, comprehensive analysis – please contact me.

Got more questions?
If you (or anyone else) have more questions, please feel free to ask. One of the main objectives here has always been to provide education about the realities of crossdressing and reduce misinformation and misunderstanding. I recommend first reading through the “Crossdressing Myths” series as they will have many of the answers already spelled out.

Crossdressers: how would YOU answer these questions?
Like I said, my own preferences are not representative of all crossdressers. I invite and encourage my trans-sisters to address these questions. This is a perfect opportunity to share our similarities and differences, to learn more about ourselves and each other, and allow non-trans folk some real-world insight about the realities of things.

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I’ve just recently discovered your website and wish I would have earlier in my exploration of crossdressing. ;) I’m 18 now and have accepted who I am, been dressing up since I was young, 5 or 6. I’ve come to terms with a lot of stuff, and I’m no longer ashamed of who I am. I have a loving girlfriend for almost a year now who knows everything as well, she is very accepting and supportive =)

My problem deals with my sexual orientation, I know I’m attracted to girls, thus my girlfriend, but while dressed, I find I’m always craving guys, so for a while I just thought I was bisexual, until when I was 16 had my first relationship and sexual experience with a guy. Now he was a full time crossdresser, even during high school, I think that was the main attraction. I was so turned on being with him, and kissing him. Anything to do with touching or seeing his genitals didn’t turn me off, but didn’t turn me on. I love the feeling of anal sex (from a male), turns me on immensely.

So basically I’m kind of confused, I look at a normal guy and I’m not turned on, but I always find myself thinking about having sex with a male and strap-ons with my girlfriend just doesn’t feel the same. I know it’s a vague question as well, I’m still young and exploring and advice would be amazing :)

Angel

Being a teenager is tough, period. When social taboos and sexual orientation uncertainty comes into play, it can make life that much more confusing and stressful.

Social “norms” vs. reality
In terms of your sexual orientation, your confusion is probably the result of feeling out of sync with the “social norms” that have been etched into your brain since birth. Your feelings are in conflict with that which you have been taught is “normal” and/or “acceptable” within society, hence the uncertainty.

Sexual preferences
You’ve expressed being attracted to both men and women. The definition of “bisexuality” (taken from Wikipedia) is sexual behavior or an orientation involving physical or romantic attraction to both males and females.

In terms of being attracted to woman as a man (not crossdressed) and being attracted to and/or fantasizing about men when you’re dressed as a female (crossdressed) – I’ve read many accounts of this kind of sexual preference expressed by other crossdressers. Categorically, it still falls under bisexuality. Exactly “how it works”, applicable terminology and semantics are often discussed to great length in transgender communities and message forums. There is a rather complex array of attraction preferences that may be explored and debated. My assessment and opinion is based on the context expressed in your letter.

It certainly sounds to me like you’re bisexual. Maybe pause for a moment and ponder that reality for a bit. There are literally millions of bisexual people, a percentage of which are crossdressers, too. You’re not alone in how you feel about men and women, sexually. People like what they like. Being bisexual is nothing to worry about or stress over. It’s just a very common (even if not always popular) personal trait, shared by many people.

Regardless of how or when you prefer romance with a female or male companion, perhaps what is most important is simply being with someone you love, enjoy, and are compatible with, who feels the same about you. It sounds like your current girlfriend is a pretty awesome gal, based on the little you’ve written. I hope you appreciate her and let her know how much she means to you.

Sexual curiosity, fantasy and monogamy
Whether you are involved romantically with a man or a woman, many partners tend to prefer a monogamous relationship. If your girlfriend (or future lover, be it girl or boy) is expecting an exclusive/faithful relationship, then it really doesn’t matter if you prefer women sometimes, and men other times, because you’re already taken. Even for straight couples, the question of “I’m with this person, but I really like that person, too. What should I do…” often pops up. It doesn’t matter if you’re attracted to another woman or a man. Cheating is just that – cheating. Unless you’re in an open relationship (as in you both agree that seeing other people is acceptable), feel free to look around and fantasize, but you’d best remain physically and emotionally loyal to your girlfriend (or current partner).

It sounds like you’re pretty happy with your girlfriend, even though you have a craving for men at times. Straight, gay, or bi, very few people ever have the opportunity to experience every sexual fantasy they desire. I’ve fantasized about many, many women over the years – far too many to count or even remember. Being married, I still look at and admire other women (and always will), but my wife and I enjoy a monogamous marriage. Point is, everyone fantasizes. You just happen to fantasize about women and men, but again, that is just how it works with bisexual people, trans or not.

Fear of the unknown
If you find yourself wondering “Where is this all leading?”, be it your sexual preference, gender identity, or anything related – try not to worry about it. Perhaps easier said than done, but it’s good advice, nonetheless. Remove sexuality and gender from the equation, and understand that most people still wonder where things are going in their lives. There are a zillion things we all sometimes feel very uncertain about. That’s not unique to trans folk, bisexuals, or any other segment of the population. It is common for people to make a bigger deal out of things when gender identity and sexual preference come into play, but that’s mainly due to those things being (generally considered) outside social “norms”.

Plan for the future, but live in today
Here you are today – not necessarily a physical location, but rather simply your place in life as it stands at this point in time. Did you have a good day? Was there something (hopefully many things) that made you smile? Did you make anyone else smile? Who knows what the future holds for any of us: trans, straight, gay, bi, or anything else. Life is a journey – one that is very unique for each of us. Try to enjoy each little pit stop along your journey and don’t stress over where your path leads. Enjoy the happy moments that each day holds. We all have bad days and hard times, but try to concentrate on the good times. Don’t loose any sleep over social “norms” or exactly what category [whatever] happens fall in to. Just be yourself and be a good person. You may experience changes in how you feel about or view things over time. That’s a part of the growth and evolution process we all experience, regardless of orientation or gender.

Teen life is a strange, strange place to be, so try not to let thoughts of being “outside the norm” get the best of you. In a few more years, you’ll realize that you are, in fact, very normal… or that no one is truly normal… or probably both.

Good luck!
Relax and make the best of things as they are. There’s nothing wrong with you. Seriously! Not based on anything you’ve written. Take things one day at a time and enjoy being young.

 
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Three years ago, I hooked up with my (yes, this is a cliche) High School SWEETHEART. We’re both in our late 40′s… divorced… kids… yawn yawn blah blah. He came out to me about 9 months after we re-initiated our relationship. He’s a cross dresser. Her name is Kelly. I am all for it. No problem. Be what makes you happy. Life is short. But it doesn’t always make him/her happy. He thinks he’s a freak. His ex never knew this about him. He’s known his whole life. What can I do to convince him that all is good… I love “them” the way they are. It’s now been 3 years. I moved from California to Michigan during an American financial crisis for “f” sake. I love him. Have since I was 14. I come from the land of fruits and nuts. I refuse to judge anyone… EVER!! Living in this closed minded world I have found Michigan to be is not an easy transition, so I understand his trepidation. HELP!! The people here have stunted his mental growth! He fights with me. When he’s Kelly… all is good until something (ie the door bell rings) sets him off. He becomes paranoid and rips away Kelly faster than you can sneeze. Then proceeds to be depressed for days! I have his back! He’s not alone anymore. What more can I do??

Lori

I understand you’re “crossdressing honey’s” troubles all too well. The debilitating insecurity and overwhelming fear of being “discovered” is something I struggled with for most of my life. I, too, once felt like a “freak” for being a crossdresser – but not anymore.

The feeling of being wrong in who I am, and intense fear of being discovered, was rooted in the very false premise that it is “wrong” to be that which is not widely understood or accepted by society on the whole. For the most part, we all grow up “learning” (the fallacy) that it is some kind of mental illness or perversion for a man to exhibit feminine traits. It lead to a strong sense of insecurity and self-hatred tied to this aspect of my life.

It took many years, but I finally came to my senses and realized that the real problem was not in me, but rather with how mainstream society views and treats differences in people. The root of my own misconceptions about myself (and that which makes life difficult for many people within the wide transgender spectrum) is the social taboo element. Remove the social taboo and terrible stigma associated, and I’m certain that about 99% of all “paranoid” crossdressers would suddenly become very NOT paranoid and begin experiencing a much more relaxed and gratifying experience in life.

I must express my respect and admiration for your take on things. Whether or not you fully understand how crossdressing works in Kelly, it is clear that you love her (and him) for being the good person she is – without judging or looking negatively upon personal traits that are not in line with what many consider to be “normal” (note the quotes). If only more people were willing to accept and respect people for who they are, the world would be a MUCH happier place. But you know the deal – misery just loves company!

Find the underlying cause
Question Kelly’s feeling of being a “freak”. Does she truly think of herself as a freak? Does she wish she was not a “freak”? If there was a magic pill that could remove the trans aspect from her array of personal traits forever, would she take it? Even if this has been discussed in depth already, get into it with her again. Be sure to ask these specific questions and take the time to explore all of associated feelings in depth.

After discussing the feeling of being a “freak”, begin exploring the reasoning behind it. Does Kelly feel like a freak simply for being trans, or is it more a matter of “fear of what others may think” if they found out? In my experience, it usually turns out to be the latter.

One good way to explore this is by discussing an alternate reality in which society has no problems with the vast differences in others. The argument that such a society “will never exist in our lifetime” is not relevant in this context. It is about exploring existence, albeit a fictional one, in a world that does NOT look down upon or treat people poorly for simply being different than the majority. The purpose of the exercise is to reveal the underlying thoughts and emotions associated with being trans without the negative social stigma coming into play.

The feeling of being a “freak” is often tied directly to the fear of what others might think and the potential for being treated poorly as a result. The reality is, Kelly has a beautiful gift. I do not state that in the way people often refer to those with mental retardation as being “special”. The term “special” to describe those with mental retardation is more of a politically correct motivated attempt at lessening the negativity associated with it. Consequently, many people (usually younger, immature) often use the word “special” to make fun of others, equating it with the general undesirability associated with “mental retardation”. I assure you that my use of the word “gift” to describe Kelly’s feminine side is offered in the truest and most sincere sense of the word.

Another gift mistaken for a curse
In my early grade-school years, my classmates picked up on the fact that I was more advanced (in terms of jumping ahead of lessons) than many of them. For this, I was often picked on, made fun of, and even pushed around (literally) for being “smarter” and favored by teachers. In my naive younger years, I really disliked being advanced for my age and being placed in the “smart kids” classes. I disliked it because of the negative social stigma attached by my peers. My level of advanced intelligence was, at no point, ever really a negative personal trait. Yet I was ridiculed for it and and had a difficult time dealing with all the negative attention from others. I hated being, you guessed it – DIFFERENT.

Popular misconception does not dictate true reality
It’s no secret that we live in a society that openly ridicules and punishes (in various ways) men for having the gift of femininity or not being “man enough”. Although it is true that a small minority of crossdressers do put forth a negative image and openly behave poorly (which is sadly what mainstream society often locks onto and remembers), the same also goes for any group of people. It was not long ago that black people were almost always presented in a negative light by the media and white society in general. The smaller minority of blacks who behaved poorly and committed crime took prescience in people’s minds over the vast majority of black people who lived as good-natured, law-abiding citizens. Why is that? Because in the 1950′s, much of mainstream (white) society wrongfully regarded the African race as inferior beings with little more to offer than poor behavior and menacing qualities. Did the fact that mainstream (white) society once truly believed, wholeheartedly, this unfair assessment ever make it true?

Thinking about things correctly
You’ve “got Kelly’s back” and that is so very important. You probably feel quite frustrated and helpless at times as Kelly’s personal insecurities do a terrible number on her ability to be happy and diminishes quality of life for the both of you.

The good news is that this can indeed be overcome, or at the very least, be managed better in time. The key that changes how Kelly feels, lies within Kelly herself. It is up to her, to make the necessary changes in how she thinks about this aspect of her being. All you can really do is work with her, much like you’ve been doing, and remain focused on (Kelly’s) thinking correctly.

Personal growth
In the past, my own insecurities related to being trans were so overwhelming and difficult to deal with – it almost destroyed me, quite literally. I went to great lengths to hide this from everyone I knew, including the therapist I saw for many years and even my own wife… until just a few years ago. The difficult process of correcting how I thought about things and unprogramming all of the lies that society filled my head with over the years was a journey I took alone. If I can do it all by myself, I am certain that you and Kelly can successfully work through things together. With persistence and continued (and frequent) attention spent on exploring the realities of being trans and acknowledging that the only real problem is in how mainstream society (incorrectly) views it, knowledge and reality will prevail over insecurity and idiotic social taboos.

Moving forward
I don’t have all the answers, Lori. Truth be told, no one does – no matter level of education or time spent studying any aspect of human psychology. We are a long ways away from fully understanding the complexities of human nature and emotions. We are each more than capable of making life changes and evolving though.

When you have a good block of time that can be devoted to quality discussion, please direct Kelly’s attention here. Sit with her and read through this together. If you have time before hand, perhaps browse through this site for a while and pick out some writing that seems most relevant to the troubles Kelly faces. I would suggest the Crossdressing Myths series as a starting point.

After quality time spent reading and discussing, ask Kelly if she thinks that I, too, am a “freak”. I am every bit the “freak” she is… or more accurately, like myself, SHE is every bit NOT a freak. I’d like to address directly now.

Dear Kelly
Life is short, Kelly. Do not waste it with the lies and misconceptions that your head has been filled with. Do not waste another minute being upset and depressed because of small-minded fallacies and the naive people who perpetuate such terrible ideas about crossdressers. We all must take a certain level of precaution to ensure our safety. Even though it should not be so, there are sometimes greater dangers abroad to those of us who are different. This is nothing new. Every once-oppressed group of people have had to overcome these obstacles in life. Live smart and take precautions, but try to ease up a little on the paranoia. I was once a total wreck. If I can come this far, then so can you.

It ain’t the end of the world
If you end up being discovered (or eventually decide to come out), it’s definitely not the end of the world. When I came out to much of my high school class at last year’s class reunion, the sun still rose the next morning – birds were chirping, flowers blooming, bills needed paying, and life went on after my little “secret” was well out of the bag. Life continues to go on with dozens (hundreds?) of people knowing exactly who I am – and many of them laughing to each other about it. Good for them, though. They’re the fools, not I. They pretty much dictated how I lived my life in the past because I let them. They have no bearing on my life today, and I wish them well.

A tough, but rewarding journey
There really is no such thing as reaching that “final destination” in terms of personal growth. So long as we live, we also experience, learn, grow, evolve, and (hopefully) make improvements in our lives along the way. We will always face hurdles that need to be overcome, but that is not unique to transgender folk. Everyone has their troubles. Everyone deals with insecurities. Everyone gets depressed. Everyone CAN make changes in their lives. So long as you have a pulse, you’re still in the game. You can choose to make life a more gratifying experience… or you can live in fear, allowing others dictate how you can/should live your life. That’s really up to you and I’ll not sugar-coat it.

Live your life according to who you are, and you just might achieve a real peace and happiness before your days are through. Live your life as others would “allow”, and you will forever exist in misery – much like those who would give you a hard time for being the person you are.

Do not loose sight of the fact that the pain you experience also causes pain in those who love and care for you. Lori obviously loves you very deeply. How deep does your love for her run? Don’t tell me about it – SHOW her. It all starts with a shift in thinking. That shift in thinking begins now.

Good luck
I wish you both all the best. Difficulties and struggles lie ahead, but the rewards for conquering them will be well worth the trouble. I promise you that.

Please offer your thoughts and experiences
I know many of you reading this can identify with the troubles Kelly is dealing with. What helped you work through your own insecurities? Is there any advice you can offer? Please take a few minutes to offer your thoughts to Kelly and Lori.

 
Related content:

• Dear Gabi Advice Column
• Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page
• Until Society Has Their Way With Them
• Crossdressing Myths & Misconceptions

I have just approached a therapist about some sessions as I feel my crossdressing is starting to effect my relationship. My girlfriend is understanding in a way but is still not overly keen.

It is just me who will be attending, as we both feel there are issues I need to address which could all be linked. Short temper for no apparent reason like I get really mad about the most silly things. My girlfriend thinks it’s always before I need to dress. She does not want to see me dressed though. I think I need to get a good understanding of why I need to dress other than “I love that dress!!”. I feel I’m rambling on a bit so apologies for that. I don’t wish for it to go any further than our home but I don’t want to always be alone when dressed but not sure she will ever want to get involved.

I just wondered what is the main objective of this type of therapy. I am nervous and not sure what to expect.

Best regards,

Tina

 

Going to see a counselor or therapist for the first time can be a little intimidating. That’s the bad news. The good news is, most counselors and therapists are very easy to talk to and do a fine job of putting clients at ease within minutes of the first session.

Unfortunately, not all therapists have your best interests in mind. Some can be condescending, belligerent, pushy, and tell you how you should live your life rather than allow you to reveal how you’d like to live your life. If you are not comfortable with your therapist after the first session or two, discontinue seeing them and seek out another. It is also important to be sure you’re seeing a therapist who is well experienced in transgender issues.

Make sure you’ve done your homework in choosing a therapist. There are still those who subscribe to the archaic notion that transgenderism (in all its forms) as some kind of “condition” or defect in need of a “cure” rather than a personal trait. I would equate that approach to trying to “cure” someone of being left-handed or having artistic tendencies. The former was actually still employed by grade school teachers not too many decades ago. Sounds silly now, but being left-handed was once thought of as some kind of “evil sign” or “abnormality” that should be overcome.

What to expect
In terms of the “main objective” for therapy, that is up to you. Discuss with your therapist whatever you feel needs attention or isn’t going well in you life. Be completely open and honest about your life and feelings. The therapist will listen to you and ask questions based on what you share. Their job is to bring out thoughts and feelings that you may not be looking at on a conscious level, hone in on problem areas, and help you figure out how to improve on things that need attention.

When you’re in session, treat it like a conversation and not a confessional. You’re not there to “confess” anything, but rather discuss your life and issues. Everything is confidential so you can talk openly and freely without fear of ridicule or any negative judgment.

You may find that some of your “issues” are not truly problems that need fixing, but rather just things you are self conscious about. Your therapist will help you explore these things.

Although I’m offering my personal insight on some of your concerns, these things should all be brought up and discussed in depth with your therapist.

Short temper set off by seemingly little things
I understand very well the feeling of restriction and anxiety brought on by periods of not being able to crossdress. It is a sentiment commonly shared and discussed in online crossdressing communities.

Perhaps it might help to break it down on a simpler level. Dealing with restrictions and lack of personal freedom in one’s life is often a heavy contributor of stress. Remove crossdressing from the equation, and it’s still pretty much the same. When people experience the feeling of constant restriction and lack of personal choice/freedom, it takes an emotional toll. It can cause a variety of negative reactions including, but not limited to, increased anxiety and irritability – two potent ingredients in a quick temper that is easily triggered by seemingly little things.

To reference the idiom the straw that broke the camel’s back, consider yourself a camel who’s back is already loaded up with emotional baggage (stress) because of your limitations in personal freedoms. In this case, crossdressing, or the inability to do so as often as you would like, may be a significant contributor to stress. Over time it builds up, until a point is reached in which that load of stress is a bit much to bear. Any additional “straw” tossed onto the already heavy load can cause the “back to break”, or inability to control one’s temper.

One of my personal theories on why crossdressing so relaxing and has stress relieving qualities is because it allows one to break free of the socially imposed restrictions of how a man must behave and/or appear. Increased personal freedom often holds the key to reducing one’s stress level. Most people take personal expression for granted because in most cases, it does not cross the social acceptance threshold.

A girlfriend that doesn’t want to see the feminine side of you
It sounds like your girlfriend is tolerant of your crossdressing to some extent, but may never completely warm up to it or choose to participate. If she prefers a man who is 100% masculine or lacking in any signs of “femininity”, there isn’t much that can be done about that. She’s allowed her personal preferences, just as we all are. At least she knows about this part of you, which is very important in any long term relationship that might someday lead to something more.

It is in your best interest (both of you) to discuss how this may affect your continued relationship over time. Do so when the time is right; in other words, when you understand this aspect of your life better. At the same time, you should probably not wait too long before getting into this with your girlfriend.

You should try to find out if she can ever be truly happy with a man who has a strong feminine side. If she needs her romantic male interest to be 100% masculine, then it’s not fair to her to remain in the relationship. You should allow her the opportunity to enter a relationship with a man who is more compatible with her personal interests/preferences on that level.

It is also not fair for you to have to settle for a woman who cannot love you fully and completely for who you truly are; in other words, a woman who will love you completely, and not just your man-side.

How would you feel about your girlfriend potentially never fully accepting this? How would you react if she were to some day proclaim that you have stop crossdressing or she’s leaving? How about the possibility that she may try to use this aspect of your life against you – in an attempt to embarrass you in the eyes of others, perhaps in order to gain compliance with her wishes? These are each real life examples of what regularly takes place in long-term relationships (often marriages) in which the woman is not accepting of her man’s feminine side. I strongly urge you to put serious thought into your future, and discuss with your girlfriend. Again, it’s not only unfair to you if she were to try and change you, but it is also unfair to her if she needs something in her man that you cannot adequately provide by design.

There are plenty of women out there who are, in fact, openly accepting of crossdressing men. Many also encourage and enjoy it. They’re not as easy to find, but it is something to think about. You may reach a point when you’d like to expand on this aspect of your life. I once believed it would be something I never shared with a soul, let alone do in public. Now my wife knows, is an active participant (and in many ways makes possible) this aspect of my life. I simply want to be able to be myself regardless of in-home privacy or out in public. There are several people I’ve come out to thus far.

I do not imply that the relationship with your current love interest is doomed to fail. There are plenty of happily married couples in which the woman is not an active participant in her husband’s crossdressing activities. So long as there is a mutual understanding and respect, things can work out well. Open, honest discussions with your girlfriend about things is what I recommend.

Why you “love that dress”
Being drawn to and/or exhibiting traits that are generally considered to be masculine or feminine is not dependent on one’s sexual organs. That is how it’s been treated in society for centuries, but that is not how it works in reality.

There has been change in the way society views displays of masculinity and femininity over the years. Women have won many freedoms in “masculine expression”. Having short hair, wearing pants, the right to an education and voting are some of the advances made by women. It is generally not even considered a sign of masculinity anymore for a woman to have short hair, wear pants, or even wear (only) men’s clothing (purchased from the men’s department in a retail outlet).

Although women have advanced, men have not. Any show of femininity, or non-masculinity, by men is generally regarded as a weakness and/or undesirable trait. This perception does not reflect the reality (as in, it is certainly not a weakness or flaw), but rather the current state of socially accepted “norms”.

Much of society still has a significant problem in accepting certain differences in people. Simply put, the divide between those who prefer more feminine looks and styles and those who do not, is not based on one’s genitalia, but rather one one’s being. Society (people) collectively decided how men and women should look and/or carry themselves, as in what is deemed “proper”. Nature made up how men and women truly are and feel inside. It’s a LOT more complex than that, but I’m trying to express a point in short, simple terms, without writing terabytes of data on the subject.

In short, you “love that dress” simply because you love that dress. It’s not too different than why a genetic woman loves that dress or those pants on sale, or shoes, or prefers short hair over long. It’s called personal preference and style… and it’s not based on, or limited to one side of the genetic gender divide, or the other, regardless of where the majority fall.

 
Related content:

• Dear Gabi Advice Column
• Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page
• Until Society Has Their Way With Them
• Crossdressing Myths & Misconceptions

My wife just found out I am a cross dresser (I have been as long as I can remember…), and reacted very badly. I don’t know where else to turn… none of my friends would understand, and I still think most of them would not speak to me again if I told them…

My beautiful, brilliant wife, the love of my life, and the only person I would ever want to spend my life with, has told me she would have stopped dating me if she knew I was a crossdresser, and has told me she will never be able to deal with me being a crossdresser… she has done the research, she understands I am hetero, and not gender confused, but she says she just cannot deal with me being a crossdresser… she has told me that one of us has to move out, that she will not change her mind, and that she will never be okay with this…

I have a beautiful family, and I don’t want my son and daughters growing up in a broken home! But I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say to make it better, to make her understand I am still the same person!

You have already been so much more help than I could ever have expected, and I don’t even know what I am asking you for… There is no magic word or phrase that will make this all okay, I know that… I guess it just hurts so much and I needed to vent and I just don’t have any other place to go… This is just so hard, and I don’t know what to do…

Nora

 

I am sorry to hear about your troublesome situation. My heart goes out to you.

It is not uncommon for wives to react badly at the discovery of their husband being a crossdresser. Sometimes couples can work things out and reach a mutually agreed upon understanding. Sometimes marriages fail, families are broken, and life goes on.

Secrets are generally bad
As much as it pains me to hear about your story, and those who share a similar tale, I think it is important to keep in mind a rather important mistake that was made. We all keep secrets – it’s part of our nature to maintain a certain level of personal privacy. The difference between a harmless secret and potentially harmful one can vary from one situation to the next. Sometimes that difference is learned the hard way.

Like many crossdressers, you chose to keep this aspect of your life a secret from your wife. The reason for doing so is completely understandable. Confusion, embarrassment, the fear of being rejected and everything in-between can act as powerful motivation to keep this a carefully guarded secret.

Regardless of motivation and the seemingly justifiable reasons, intentionally keeping a secret from one’s wife-to-be, presumably out of fear that she may decide to beak up if she knew of it, is not a good move. It’s also not fair to an unknowing partner. The same would be true if a woman kept a deal-breaking secret from her husband-to-be.

All marriages experience troubles
This is still fairly new to your wife. It may be possible that her initial reaction of “I can’t deal with this” and “never being ok with it” is something that will become less a matter of “never” and more “I need to think about this” as time passes. This kind of thing can require some time to fully digest for many people. It is not something that much of the population truly understands, though they may be aware. Even if your wife does comprehend some key aspects, her mind may still be filled with misconceptions and the abundance of popular negative cliches.

Not all marriages are doomed to fail when one party expresses the need to live apart from the other. This can sometimes help put things in perspective by allowing time and privacy to sort things out alone. It can lead to a new beginning and rediscovery of each other. Although it can sometimes be the first step down the road to divorce, try to focus potential positives until there is clear reason not to.

Some women enjoy it, some are indifferent, and others are repulsed
One key factor in determining where things might lead is to figure out why your wife feels the way she does about crossdressing. Some women express an extreme dislike (or even hatred) for crossdressing essentially because of the the negative social stigma attached. They fear what others may think if they find out, and do not want to be ridiculed for having (what they may feel is) anything less than 100% man for a husband. If her “never accepting” your crossdressing is based on her fear of what others may think, more than anything else, that may be a good thing. Her fears might be put at ease over time, leaving the possibility for acceptance.

Even if your wife never fully warms up to the idea of you being a crossdresser, she may eventually be ok with things to some extent so long as you keep it private and out of her sight and mind. I know of several crossdressers who’s wives are aware of, but do not participate in their crossdressing activities at all. They each enjoy a happy marriage by agreeing that crossdressing is kept separate from and does not involve their wives. Not all married couples share all of their personal time together, nor personal activities of interest. In that regard, this is no different. While it may not be an optimal situation, it can be manageable and the marriage can go on with love, understanding, and happiness intact.

Some women are just plain repulsed by the idea of any femininity in their man, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It has little to do with social taboos and fear of what others think, and everything to do with their personal preference in men. Everyone is allowed their preferences. The very thought of a man being feminine may be a complete and absolute turn off, sexually and beyond. There is little that can be done to change what people’s personal preferences are, nor should one try to.

Family first
It is understandable to not want one’s children growing up in a broken home. This particular concern is a good point to bring up with your wife. Is she willing to set aside her dislike of your feminine side and consider the needs of your kids first? This point should not be used to twist anyone’s arm, but is valid discussion material when the possibility of not being able to live together has been communicated. The discussion should be centered around what is best for the children. They are not possessions or bargaining chips to manipulate emotions with, but rather young people who’s future is at stake.

If this cannot be resolved in the initial conversation, agree (to each other) to sleep on it, even if it be in separate rooms for now. While your wife is taking the time to consider the effect of a broken home on your children, she may also cool down to some extent about your crossdressing. How she feels in the end is greatly dependent on whether her dislike of it is rooted in the negative social stigma, or the fact that she simply is not romantically interested in a man with a feminine side, period. The latter, of course, carries with it heavier complications.

Nothing has changed, but everything is different
Even though you’re the same person she fell in love with way back when, your wife’s perception of you has probably been damaged by the thought of you having a feminine side. If she needs her man to be 100% masculine, there is little you can do to change how she feels. Even if you “successfully” gave up crossdressing (at least in the physical sense), it would be similar to treating a life threatening wound with a temporary bandage. In time, your need to essentially be yourself will take a toll on your emotional state, should you try to repress it. The personal conflict and misery it causes within you will manifest itself in various negative ways and only create more trouble later on. Any sense of “this is the right thing to do to save your marriage/family” you may feel in purging will probably be short lived in the grander scheme of things. Keep in mind that one should not need or attempt to change who they are when there is nothing wrong in the first place.

You and your wife both deserve to be happy. True happiness cannot be built on the idea of changing who someone is – either your wife’s dislike of a man being feminine, or your need to explore your feminine side. If it cannot be with each other, at least allow yourself to consider the idea that happiness can and will be achieved apart, each with new love interests.

Divorce isn’t the end of the world
I certainly hope that you and your wife can patch things up and keep the whole family together under one roof. If by chance, the marriage is not salvageable, there is a silver lining amidst the pain and suffering. In time, you will indeed meet a new love – one that truly loves you for who you are, completely, and not just a part of you.

According to statistics, about 50% of marriages end in divorce. I’m not sure what percentage is due to the discovery of crossdressing, but it is sometimes a factor. Most marriages come to an end due to incompatibility issues, regardless of what they may be.

If it is not possible to patch things up
If divorce ends up being the final chapter in your marriage, do not feel that your crossdressing is to blame, or that it should paint you in a bad light in the eyes of the law. Your withholding this information prior to marriage may have played a significant role in the split, but do not allow anyone to ever suggest anything more than that. Being a crossdresser does not make one unfit to be a responsible, loving parent. Being a crossdresser does not necessitate that you should be the one to move out of the house by default. Simply being a crossdresser does not equate to you being a bad person in any way, shape, or form.

This aspect of your life may come out during divorce proceedings. It is something to prepare for rather than worry about. Find a therapist who has experience in transgender issues (and is held in high regard within the profession – do your homework before choosing). Get evaluated and have documentation ready to show the court that you are in no way a threat to your children, or unfit to be a parent because of this.

Be prepared for the possibility of your friends finding out. In worst case scenarios, some wives try to bully their soon to be ex-husband into submission with the threat of outting them to their friends and family. Give a bully an inch, and they’ll wring you for all that you have. Some of your friends and family may disassociate themselves from you. You will gain new friends in time – friends who love and accept you as you are, and not just for some facade they’re comfortable seeing. Don’t forget that some friend/family may react poorly at first, and have a change of heart after things settle in. They will discover that you’re still the same good person they’ve always known and loved.

Tough times ahead
Whatever the outcome, keep in mind that the pain and suffering you are experiencing now is only temporary. It may not feel that way today, but it will indeed pass. However things go, you will emerge from this as a stronger, wiser, and better person.

What is important is weathering the storm, and reclaiming your life. You can and will do just that. It may not be easy, but it is absolutely attainable. Be it with your wife, or with a new love in the future, you will experience happiness once again.

Good luck
Hang in there and don’t loose hope. I wish you and your family all the best.

Offer your input to help a struggling family
I would ask those of you who have been where Nora is now to please offer your input. If you were able to work things out, what seemed to help the most? If things didn’t work out, can you share any insight or important lessons learned? How did you ensure the best possible arrangement for your kids if there was a divorce? What advice can you offer up that you wish someone could have suggested to you?

 
Related content:

• Dear Gabi Advice Column
• Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page
• How to Tell Your Wife You’re a Crossdresser
• Crossdressing Myths & Misconceptions

How best to handle it with my wife is my biggest concern. In the past I had felt that crossdressing was wrong and therefore had purged my collection several times. Now for me personally, I am comfortable with it. I had been trying to decide how to talk with my wife about it when she discovered.

Since then she has expressed the viewpoint/belief that (A) per the Bible and society crossdressing is bad and wrong. Absolutely no wavering on this so far. (B) She also believes that it is something that if you try hard enough you can stop doing it.. She has also stated from watching Jerry Springer show that all crossdressers will become gay at first and then that leads to all getting a sex change operation. For the most part she presents to me as these being absolutes.

She has also remarked that now all she can think of me as is Georgette whether it is just kissing or anything else. She also feels that if she would of given me sex more often then I would not want to cross dress. I have/had a web blog where I was journaling/logging my experiences. She wants me to get rid of that to. Currently I am doing that.

In addition to all this, I feel like she wants me to make all these changes and stop dressing and because she says it is wrong.

Yet at the same she does not what to consider or accept any offers for compromise.

Thank you,

Georgette

 

I am sorry to have misinterpreted your request for advice in the previous letter. An unaccepting wife, unwilling to compromise, is a tough pill to swallow. It will be a long-term investment, but there are options to consider in working things out.

The arguments your wife makes against crossdressing are almost text-book for many in this situation. Some wives have also thrown in a rather unpleasant ultimatum: either stop crossdressing or the marriage is over (sometimes accompanied by a threat of public humiliation and/or financial ruin). I’ve read countless accounts very similar to yours. Some of them have ended badly and others have managed to work things out. In some cases, the marriage has even grown stronger as the wife learns more about the realities of crossdressing (vs. the misconceptions) and gets the chance to fully know her husband.

Basic psychology behind this reaction to crossdressing
The way in which a wife reacts to the realization that her husband is a crossdresser varies greatly. Some women feel very threatened by the prospect of their husband exhibiting a feminine side. The less that is known about crossdressing realities, the greater potential threat perceived. Many women simply prefer a man to be all-masculine, all the time.

Based on the information in your letter, your wife probably falls into the category of women who want their man to be all-masculine, all the time. It’s a matter of personal preference, and everyone is entitled to their own. Her reaction to your crossdressing is an expression of fear over “loosing the man she fell in love with” and what others might think if they found out. The idea of you being feminine may also be damaging to your sex appeal in her eyes.

Before we get into the specifics of your wife’s arguments; very common misconceptions and concerns that are brought up by many unaccepting wives, it is important to keep in mind that she is probably filled with fears and uncertainty over this issue. Even if she may not be doing the same for you right now, try to be patient and understanding as she works through her own set of complicated emotions.

Addressing her concerns

Crossdressing and society
Today’s society is, on the whole, pretty uncomfortable with the idea of crossdressing, and consequently, not very accepting of it. Even so, simply being uncomfortable with something does not make it “wrong” or “bad”. Society has been uncomfortable with all kinds of things in past years – things that are perfectly acceptable and regarded as normal today. Several times, I’ve brought up how mainstream society in the 1950′s (made up of mostly whites) was not very accepting of blacks. It was just “common knowledge” that blacks were inferior to whites, lacked intelligence, and often regarded as a menace to society. As ridiculous as that sounds today, mainstream society was very comfortable with that notion decades ago. Did the fact that this was a widely accepted popular belief ever make it true?

What the Bible says about crossdressing
One of many misconceptions about crossdressing is that the Bible says it is sinful and wrong. This is not true, but there is a passage in the Bible that may be interpreted as such, depending on the translation.

It states in Deuteronomy 22:5, “A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your God.” (quoted from the “English Standard Version” translation, see link) Taken in a literal sense, it seems pretty damning to crossdressing men… and all women. The intended meaning behind the words is debatable, and there is much debate about it. Perhaps taking a look at another Bible verse might help put things in perspective:

Leviticus 19:27, “You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard.” 19:28 “You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves.” Apparently barbers, hairdressers, and tattoo studios have been damning us all for quite some time now. Oddly, not many people have a problem with other aspects of one’s appearance that seem to be in conflict with the teachings in the Bible.

Giving up crossdressing is not necessary
I covered this to some extent in Crossdressing Myth #5 (though not specifically in this context). It may be unpopular to the masses, but that does not make it immoral, sinful or wrong. There is no need to give up something based on societal popularity – especially at the cost one’s own personal happiness and contentment in life.

The Jerry Springer Show
There is very little, if any, real educational value to The Jerry Springer Show. The show is not designed to educate, but rather to entertain. Whether or not it is actually entertaining is up to the viewer to decide. It should be known that Jerry Springer himself has gone on record stating: “I would never watch my show. I’m not interested in it. It’s not aimed towards me. This is just a silly show.” (source: BBC News) Using The Jerry Springer Show as a serious source of information for anything is usually a sign of desperacy on behalf of the person citing it as reference.

Crossdressing, sexual orientation, and SRS
This is covered in Crossdressing Myth #1 and Crossdressing Myth #2. In short, straight people do not “turn” gay, nor do gay people turn straight, regardless of crossdressing. Crossdressers generally tend not to be good candidates for sex reassignment surgery, either.

An active sex life does not prevent crossdressing
The most active sex life in the world will not prevent or “cure” crossdressing. Lack of a sex life is not the cause of crossdressing, either. Whether crossdressing is an act of feminine self-expression, a sexual fetish, or somewhere in-between (as it varies from one to the next), it is a personal trait on the genetic level (like being left or right-handed) and not the result of outside stimulus, or lack there of. Outside stimulus will influence one’s crossdressing style/preference, but not the existence there of within an individual.

Working things out

What is at stake
All marriages have their ups and downs. A marriage can fail for any number of reasons. I think it’s safe to say that the vast majority of divorce cases do not involve crossdressing among reasons listed. The main reasons for failed marriages are lack of communication, and irreconcilable differences (such as serious incompatibility issues). If either party ends up sacrificing their own personal happiness in order to maintain “peace” in the marriage, it usually leads to pent up anger and resentment that will manifest itself in various negative ways. It may not necessarily end the marriage, but it certainly does not make for a very happy one. You and your wife will need to come to an agreement that is acceptable to both, and that is feasible over the long-term.

Patience and understanding
You may feel like the one under attack, but it’s important to not loose sight of your wife’s feelings during all of this. Be patient and understanding of your wife’s fears and worries. Try to avoid the topic of crossdressing for a while if it is upsetting to her. Divert her attention to things that bring both of you joy together. The understanding and patience you show to your wife now may be returned from her to you in time.

Bothered by the thought of a feminine husband
Some women have a need for their male romantic interest to be only masculine, period. Whether this preference is at the very root of their personal being or the result of living in a society that teaches teaches and rewards such thinking, they do not want to think about their man in any way other than completely masculine. The same can be said for most men only wanting to see their female love interest in a feminine light, only. To each, his/her own.

After debunking the initial arguments your wife has presented against crossdressing, she may just find new ones to complain about. If her intent is to simply “make it go away, period”, she will continue to discourage your crossdresing in other ways until she succeeds in driving it away… or driving you away in the process.

Assert yourself
You have the right to be yourself. There is nothing wrong with who you are, at least not because of crossdressing. If it bothers her too much to think about you in a feminine light, consider keeping this aspect of your life to yourself.

It is always more rewarding when this can be shared and enjoyed between two people, but its not for everyone and not much can be done about that. There are plenty of happily married couples in which the wife is aware of, but not an active participant in her husband’s crossdressing. Every couple has their separate interests in addition to the common/shared. Not everything need be shared together actively – especially the things that are undesirable to the other. For instance, many women do not share in their husband’s love of sports and do not take part in the frequent gatherings centered around them. Being a hard core sports enthusiast is a different animal than crossdressing, but the relevant point is an example of an activity that is often not shared between husband and wife.

Sorting out and sharing thoughts publicly
If keeping an online journal is helpful and/or therapeutic to you, then you shouldn’t give it up. Your wife might be concerned about your identity being discovered as a result of your journal. Take proper measures to minimize that possibility if that is the case. Involve her in the process of ensuring anonymity so that she feels more comfortable with it.

Her main issue might not be the prospect of you being discovered, but rather that she simply does not want you exploring this aspect of your life, period. Try to identify the root of her concerns and work on them accordingly.

Compromise, communication, and feelings
Reaching a compromise that you can both be happy with in the long run is what needs to be focused on. Keep in mind that your wife is going to be working though her own fears and insecurities during this process and may not be ready for productive conversation in light of that. When there is too much disagreement and argument in a discussion, then it is time to defer for another time. Nothing positive will result from a shouting match.

Marriage/couples counseling
Consider seeking professional help from a trained, licensed marriage counselor. Working on things together under the supervision of a trained professional has helped many couples better understand each other and improve the quality of their marriage. Be sure to do your homework before deciding on a therapist. Just because someone has a title and license does not mean they’re any good at what they do. Make sure that your therapist has experience in transgender issues, and look into their track record.

Good luck
There is no magic solution to this dilemma. I hope that the two of you can work things out together and come to an understanding that is acceptable to both. At the very least, I hope that the two of you can the find happiness that you each deserve, even if it is not with each other.

Offer your input to help a struggling marriage
I would ask those of you who have been where Georgette is now to please offer your input. If you were able to work things out, what seemed to help the most? Even if things didn’t work out, can you share any insight or important lessons learned? Perhaps you’re the wife of a crossdresser who has experienced similar concerns. What advice can you offer Georgette (or anyone in her situation) that you wish someone could have offered you?

 
Related content:

• Dear Gabi Advice Column
• Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page
• How to Tell Your Wife You’re a Crossdresser
• Crossdressing Myths & Misconceptions

Thanks for your page, I will be back to visit. I have dressed off/on since 5 years old. In an off phase went dated and married.

Had gotten back into and understand and accept now that it is part of me and great stress relief. Almost cost me my job due to poor reaction to stress.

I was trying to decide how to talk with my wife about it and left a journal site open. Now she knows before I was quite ready. I have seen your How to Tell Your Wife You’re a Crossdresser page but am looking for any other help tips there might be. If you have any, thanks.

I haven’t looked at everything here but your en femme pictures are awesome, you make very nice looking woman. If I can get half as cute as you I will be happy.

Good luck and enjoy in the future.

Sincerely,

Georgette

 

You’re off to a good start, even if it doesn’t feel that way to you right now. In accepting and embracing this aspect of your life, you have laid the foundation of stability on which to grow and evolve as a person. It’s healthier for one to allow oneself to be who they truly are rather than to deny or suppress it (barring circumstances that would be harmful to others).

In my opinion, it is best to share the truth with one’s spouse. We all have our personal matters of privacy. The difference between personal privacy and marriage-deal-breakers should be obvious between two people who know each other well enough to have tied the knot. If a marriage fails as a result personal disclosures, it is usually indicative of the fact it had a poor foundation to begin with (under false pretense). Concealed/hidden truths rarely make for a successful marital formula. I think you’re decision to tell your wife is the right call and a respectable move on your part. She deserves to know.

The worst takes place in your own mind
It is unfortunate that your wife discovered your feminine side before you were emotionally ready to disclose it – more so for you than for your spouse. The good news is, the fear and uncertainty you’re experiencing is probably more the result of over-thinking than anything else.

I understand you’ve been doing your homework and reading up on how to properly explain things to your wife. That’s a very intelligent move on your part and will benefit both of you. Concentrate your emotional energies on all that you’ve learned in your research and figure out how best to apply it to your own, unique situation.

It’s life as usual
Perhaps the best thing one can do after coming out to, or being discovered by their wife is to simply do nothing at all – at least at first. If the initial round of questions have been addressed, then you should give your wife some space and allow her ample time to process the information at her own pace. For many women, it can be a lot to take in, and understandably so.

This is where it can be difficult on your part, in terms of not quite being ready for this moment just yet. You might be filled with even more questions, concerns, and uncertainty than your wife. The fear and uncertainty a common emotion for those who are newly out to their spouse.

It is in your best interest to simply go about “life as usual” until your wife is ready to discuss things further and approaches you about it. This means do whatever you would normally do as if nothing has changed. Even if you’re not feeling the most confident inside, you had best put those feelings aside for now and put on a smile for the woman you love. Your wife has a lot to process and you need to let her know (by example) that everything is ok.

Danger, Will Robinson!
There is a trap that crossdressers often fall into – especially those who are newly out to a significant other. It’s what I call the “Is it because I’m a crossdresser?” syndrome. With the knowledge that your wife now knows about this aspect of your life, you may begin to question little things that were not much of a concern before. The reality is, people have disagreements and various ups and downs in their relationships. That’s the norm across the board. The fact that you’re a crossdresser has little (if anything) to do with that, except for in your own mind. If you ever find yourself wondering if something is wrong and ponder the question: “Is it because I’m a crossdresser?”, chances are, you’re just being paranoid. This is your que to immediately drop that thought process before you inadvertently stir up trouble where there was none to begin with. Your wife knows, and she didn’t run screaming or lay into you about it – that says a lot.

The marital trouble that occurs after coming out to (or being outed to) one’s wife is often the result of a paranoid transgender who has subconsciously instigated trouble all on their own. If you go looking hard enough for a problem in a specific area, you might just find what you were looking for… after having caused it yourself. It may not be easy, but take my advice when I say: do not go there. Should you find your thoughts dwelling on this paranoid line of reasoning, heed my warning.

It’s not the end of marital happiness if…
Your wife may end up understanding you better in time, and choose not to be an active participant in this aspect of your life. There is nothing that says she has to, either. This is a choice you must allow her to make for herself, and respect her decision should it be that of non-participation. It’s always more enjoyable when this can be shared between partners, but it’s not for everyone.

It’s not the end of the road if your wife doesn’t want to be take part of this aspect of your life. It is normal for wives and husbands to each pursue their own individual interests outside of that which they share with each other.

I am reminded of a popular tech podcast I enjoy. The podcaster eats, breathes, and lives tech. His wife does not. Their together life is pretty tech-limited. She has her thing, and he has his. Together they are a loving couple with other cross-over interests.

Being a tech-enthusiast is a very different animal than being transgendered. The point is that all married couples have their together-interests, and their separate-interests. It is up to each couple to settle upon that which is essential to share together, and that which can be enjoyed separately in order for the marriage to work best.

Take it easy and enjoy each moment for what it is
Sit tight, relax, and let things play out as they will. If you run into bumps along the way, do not stress. Bumps can be discussed and evened out later on. Be there for your wife and answer her questions with complete honesty. Don’t push her or rush anything. Above all – be the loving, caring, supportive spouse she’s always known and loved.

Good luck, and I wish all the best for you and your wife.

 
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I am a crossdresser and I am really anxious about my parents finding out. Should I tell them or just keep hiding it?

Anonymous

Deciding whether to tell your parents about being a crossdresser or keeping it a secret can be a tough call. The anxiety felt in being discovered is very understandable – I was once there myself.

What is right for one, may not be for another and this is a decision that you must make for yourself. In the end, telling your parents will probably work out much better for you than being discovered or caught by them.

There are many things to consider before discussing with your parents. I suggest you give serious thought to the following:

What do you think will happen?
Have you considered how your parents may react when you explain to them you’ve been crossdressing? It’s not possible to accurately guess what will take place with any certainty, but think about the kind of people your parents are and how they might handle your coming out to them. This may be helpful in deciding how to best approach the subject with them.

Be prepared to answer questions
Most people do not understand crossdressing. Unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits all explanation, which often makes things that much more confusing to the uninitiated. When you explain to your parents that you are a crossdresser, they will have questions. It is important to be prepared for questions before coming out to them.

Some of the more frequently asked questions include:

• How long have you been crossdressing?
• Are you gay? / Do you like boys (in a romantic sense)?
• Do you want to be a (real) girl?
• Have you told anyone else?
• Where did you get your female clothing? / Who’s female clothing have you been wearing?
• Why do you want to dress like a girl?
• Have you already or do you want to crossdress in public?
• Do you want to crossdress all the time?
• What’s next? /Where do we go from here?

You can’t anticipate every question that might be asked, but prepare for what you can and offer honest answers. If they ask questions that you are not quite certain how to answer, do not attempt to answer them yet. Don’t be afraid to explain that some questions require more time and thought to be properly addressed. It is best to thoroughly work out the right (truthful) answer and not to force out something that might not be very accurate. Things may get more complicated if not answered accurately/truthfully the first time around.

How confident are you?
It may not be easy to do, but it is important to display self-confidence should you decide to tell your parents. If your parents sense that you are confused and/or ashamed about your crossdressing, they might feel that professional “help” is needed and/or try to “cure” you. Although more people are beginning to understand that crossdressing is not a mental illness, condition, or disorder, many still believe it to be. Hopefully, that will not be the case with your parents, but it is a good idea to prepare for that possibility.

Keep in mind that how you deliver the news will influence how well it is received. Showing confidence and pride in yourself will go over a lot better than revealing something that you are ashamed or uncertain of.

I always explain my crossdressing as a gift. It is not something I suffer from or want to be rid of, but rather a cherished part of who I am and I am very happy to be me.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst
Hopefully all will go well if/when you explain to your parents about being a crossdresser. Even if they don’t understand it, they may still accept that it is a part of who you are and choose to learn more about it with you.

If your parents do not take the news well, how do you think you will react? Will you be devastated if they punish, scold or try to shame you? When I was discovered crossdressing by my mother at the age of 12, it was a very traumatic experience with long-lasting negative emotional consequences. That was a long time ago and times have changed considerably, but not every parent will be understanding or supportive.

Their roof, their rules
So long as your parents provide for you and you live under their roof, they have a lot of say in how you can live you life. If things do not go well, you might be forced to purge (get rid of) any feminine items you may have acquired. This is absolutely the wrong way for any parent to deal with a crossdressing child, but it is their right to establish the rules and guidelines that you must adhere to. They are only trying to do what they believe is best for you, even if their choices are misguided. Remember that in time, you will be on your own and able to live your life as you choose.

Good luck
There are plenty of good resources for your parents to learn more about crossdressing. I’d like to think my website is one of them. You may want to sit down and review some of the available information with them so that they can better understand.

Best of luck to you.

 
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I have been having a really hard time adjusting to my boyfriend crossdressing. He told me when we had been together for two months. It has been a year since he told me and I am still adjusting. Is it normal to adjust so slowly? I guess I feel that I’m not in a normal relationship, and I feel like I am not the only girl in the relationship at times. He is very manly all other times and I love him so much. We live together and he is amazing.

My Problem lately has been that I feel I am taking pictures for everyone on the internet to see. He posts them almost immediately after I take them. He says that he feels sexy when people comment them. Another thing is that I want to dress up in sexy outfits too, but he never asks me to.

Another thing that he does is anal. He loves when I use a strap-on on him. This is the thing that frightens me the most. He has told me before that he wants to know what a real one feels like and I am afraid he will like it to much. I grew up in a house where this kind of stuff meant you were gay. And even if he is bi it scares me, because I do not want to share him with anyone else. He said that he likes having sex with me way to much to ever go gay but what if later on in life he does. I’m so scared to lose him and he knows that so what if he does it behind my back. I have gone onto his account on his computer and I know it is wrong but the only porn he has is girls with dicks. I cried for three hours because I’m scared that he will want me to be that way. That seems to be what turns him on and I’m not like that. I know this is a very long post but please respond to it. I just need some advice. I am scared and need some comforting advice. Please Help!

In Love but Scared
 

I can certainly understand the difficulties you’ve had adjusting to your boyfriend’s behavior and the sense of uncertainty it has left in you. I think it is important to point out that based on what you’ve written, the issues seem to be more with his behavior and sexual interests than with his crossdressing.

Although you are scared and seek “comforting advice”, I think it is in your best interest to draw attention to some important points rather than just try and provide a false sense of comfort. In the end, everything may indeed work out well between you both, and I hope that is the case. However, I believe you need to address some important things before that can become a reality.

Communication
Good communication is vital to the success of any relationship. That is true whether or not crossdressing or sexual preference comes into play. You should let each other know what is wanted, needed, and expected of the other. This needs to be communicated openly and honestly. I strongly recommend engaging in serious discussion about your concerns with your boyfriend.

Posting photos and feeling sexy
It’s not uncommon for crossdressers want to feel sexy (the same is often true for genetic women) and everyone enjoys getting compliments. There’s usually nothing wrong with that. It depends on the kind of attention that is being saught, received, and how you feel about that attention. If you sense there is more to your boyfriend’s posting pictures than he is letting on, you need to let him know how you feel and why.

Dressing sexy
If you want to dress sexy, don’t wait for your boyfriend to ask. Dress sexy and see how he reacts. He has expressed his need to feel sexy, remind him of your own need in that department. If you’re concerned that he is only interested in dressing sexy (himself) rather than seeing you dressed sexy, talk to him about it.

Sexual preference
It sounds like your boyfriend may be bisexual, or at the very least, bi-curious. This in and of itself is generally harmless, depending on his level of curiosity. If you’ve discovered evidence that your boyfriend’s “porn” interests are only that of other crossdressers, it might indicate that his sexual interest leans more toward other (crossdressed) men rather than genetic women. It might also just mean that he’s interested in seeing others like himself. It depends on what he gets out of looking at the photos. It might be a good idea to ask.

Monogamous relationships
If your personal interests are in a monogamous relationship, you need to communicate this with your boyfriend and make sure you’re both in agreement and committed to each other on that level.

Men (crossdressing and non) often have sexual fantasies that cannot be fulfilled by their partner. For instance, a man may fantasize about having sex with two women at the same time, or with a particular celebrity. Having such sexual fantasies is pretty common and does not necessarily mean they will ever be realized or even seriously pursued.

Personal discovery
When it comes to gender expression and sexuality, there is often an aspect of personal discovery involved. Your boyfriend may still be discovering his own preferences. Ask him if his bisexual fantasies go beyond just a curiosity. He may not be entirely certain yet himself, so if he has some difficulty answering, try not to press the issue too hard and give him some time to figure things out.

If he does express sexual needs that you cannot facilitate, you’ll have to decide whether or not you’re ok with him having other sexual partners and take it from there.

Trust
Going through your boyfriend’s account represents a lack of trust on your part. Your concerns are absolutely valid and understandable, but you need to be able to trust the man you love and share a home with. In return, he needs to be able to trust you. If you cannot trust one another, the relationship will not be very rewarding and most likely fail. Again, open and honest communication needs to take place.

In addition, if you are seriously concerned about your boyfriend doing things behind your back, that says a lot. Whether he has done something specific to loose your trust or if you’re just worried about loosing the man you love, trust is a very important element in any relationship.

Reaching an understanding
Every relationship has rules. They’re not always talked about, but they always exist. An example of a common unspoken rule in a monogamous relationship is that neither parther shall engage in sexual activity with others outside of the relationship. Take the time to discuss and establish a set of rules in your relationship. Make clear to your boyfriend what is and what is not acceptable behavior. In return, he should also communicate the same to you. It is important to reach an agreement that you are both comfortable with and can both realistically adhere to.

I understand that you love your man and enjoy the relationship on many levels, but you deserve to be happy and it sounds like right now, you are not. Rather than just continue in your uncertainty, hoping for the best, take action and start discussing the things that have been troubling you. Some of your boyfriend’s behavior clearly falls outside your comfort zone and you need to let him know how that makes you feel.

The success of any relationship comes down to love, trust, respect, honesty, good communication, and compatibility. I hope the two of you can reach an understanding and find the happiness you both deserve, whether it be together, or apart.

 
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