My wife just found out I am a cross dresser (I have been as long as I can remember…), and reacted very badly. I don’t know where else to turn… none of my friends would understand, and I still think most of them would not speak to me again if I told them…

My beautiful, brilliant wife, the love of my life, and the only person I would ever want to spend my life with, has told me she would have stopped dating me if she knew I was a crossdresser, and has told me she will never be able to deal with me being a crossdresser… she has done the research, she understands I am hetero, and not gender confused, but she says she just cannot deal with me being a crossdresser… she has told me that one of us has to move out, that she will not change her mind, and that she will never be okay with this…

I have a beautiful family, and I don’t want my son and daughters growing up in a broken home! But I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say to make it better, to make her understand I am still the same person!

You have already been so much more help than I could ever have expected, and I don’t even know what I am asking you for… There is no magic word or phrase that will make this all okay, I know that… I guess it just hurts so much and I needed to vent and I just don’t have any other place to go… This is just so hard, and I don’t know what to do…

Nora

 

I am sorry to hear about your troublesome situation. My heart goes out to you.

It is not uncommon for wives to react badly at the discovery of their husband being a crossdresser. Sometimes couples can work things out and reach a mutually agreed upon understanding. Sometimes marriages fail, families are broken, and life goes on.

Secrets are generally bad
As much as it pains me to hear about your story, and those who share a similar tale, I think it is important to keep in mind a rather important mistake that was made. We all keep secrets – it’s part of our nature to maintain a certain level of personal privacy. The difference between a harmless secret and potentially harmful one can vary from one situation to the next. Sometimes that difference is learned the hard way.

Like many crossdressers, you chose to keep this aspect of your life a secret from your wife. The reason for doing so is completely understandable. Confusion, embarrassment, the fear of being rejected and everything in-between can act as powerful motivation to keep this a carefully guarded secret.

Regardless of motivation and the seemingly justifiable reasons, intentionally keeping a secret from one’s wife-to-be, presumably out of fear that she may decide to beak up if she knew of it, is not a good move. It’s also not fair to an unknowing partner. The same would be true if a woman kept a deal-breaking secret from her husband-to-be.

All marriages experience troubles
This is still fairly new to your wife. It may be possible that her initial reaction of “I can’t deal with this” and “never being ok with it” is something that will become less a matter of “never” and more “I need to think about this” as time passes. This kind of thing can require some time to fully digest for many people. It is not something that much of the population truly understands, though they may be aware. Even if your wife does comprehend some key aspects, her mind may still be filled with misconceptions and the abundance of popular negative cliches.

Not all marriages are doomed to fail when one party expresses the need to live apart from the other. This can sometimes help put things in perspective by allowing time and privacy to sort things out alone. It can lead to a new beginning and rediscovery of each other. Although it can sometimes be the first step down the road to divorce, try to focus potential positives until there is clear reason not to.

Some women enjoy it, some are indifferent, and others are repulsed
One key factor in determining where things might lead is to figure out why your wife feels the way she does about crossdressing. Some women express an extreme dislike (or even hatred) for crossdressing essentially because of the the negative social stigma attached. They fear what others may think if they find out, and do not want to be ridiculed for having (what they may feel is) anything less than 100% man for a husband. If her “never accepting” your crossdressing is based on her fear of what others may think, more than anything else, that may be a good thing. Her fears might be put at ease over time, leaving the possibility for acceptance.

Even if your wife never fully warms up to the idea of you being a crossdresser, she may eventually be ok with things to some extent so long as you keep it private and out of her sight and mind. I know of several crossdressers who’s wives are aware of, but do not participate in their crossdressing activities at all. They each enjoy a happy marriage by agreeing that crossdressing is kept separate from and does not involve their wives. Not all married couples share all of their personal time together, nor personal activities of interest. In that regard, this is no different. While it may not be an optimal situation, it can be manageable and the marriage can go on with love, understanding, and happiness intact.

Some women are just plain repulsed by the idea of any femininity in their man, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It has little to do with social taboos and fear of what others think, and everything to do with their personal preference in men. Everyone is allowed their preferences. The very thought of a man being feminine may be a complete and absolute turn off, sexually and beyond. There is little that can be done to change what people’s personal preferences are, nor should one try to.

Family first
It is understandable to not want one’s children growing up in a broken home. This particular concern is a good point to bring up with your wife. Is she willing to set aside her dislike of your feminine side and consider the needs of your kids first? This point should not be used to twist anyone’s arm, but is valid discussion material when the possibility of not being able to live together has been communicated. The discussion should be centered around what is best for the children. They are not possessions or bargaining chips to manipulate emotions with, but rather young people who’s future is at stake.

If this cannot be resolved in the initial conversation, agree (to each other) to sleep on it, even if it be in separate rooms for now. While your wife is taking the time to consider the effect of a broken home on your children, she may also cool down to some extent about your crossdressing. How she feels in the end is greatly dependent on whether her dislike of it is rooted in the negative social stigma, or the fact that she simply is not romantically interested in a man with a feminine side, period. The latter, of course, carries with it heavier complications.

Nothing has changed, but everything is different
Even though you’re the same person she fell in love with way back when, your wife’s perception of you has probably been damaged by the thought of you having a feminine side. If she needs her man to be 100% masculine, there is little you can do to change how she feels. Even if you “successfully” gave up crossdressing (at least in the physical sense), it would be similar to treating a life threatening wound with a temporary bandage. In time, your need to essentially be yourself will take a toll on your emotional state, should you try to repress it. The personal conflict and misery it causes within you will manifest itself in various negative ways and only create more trouble later on. Any sense of “this is the right thing to do to save your marriage/family” you may feel in purging will probably be short lived in the grander scheme of things. Keep in mind that one should not need or attempt to change who they are when there is nothing wrong in the first place.

You and your wife both deserve to be happy. True happiness cannot be built on the idea of changing who someone is – either your wife’s dislike of a man being feminine, or your need to explore your feminine side. If it cannot be with each other, at least allow yourself to consider the idea that happiness can and will be achieved apart, each with new love interests.

Divorce isn’t the end of the world
I certainly hope that you and your wife can patch things up and keep the whole family together under one roof. If by chance, the marriage is not salvageable, there is a silver lining amidst the pain and suffering. In time, you will indeed meet a new love – one that truly loves you for who you are, completely, and not just a part of you.

According to statistics, about 50% of marriages end in divorce. I’m not sure what percentage is due to the discovery of crossdressing, but it is sometimes a factor. Most marriages come to an end due to incompatibility issues, regardless of what they may be.

If it is not possible to patch things up
If divorce ends up being the final chapter in your marriage, do not feel that your crossdressing is to blame, or that it should paint you in a bad light in the eyes of the law. Your withholding this information prior to marriage may have played a significant role in the split, but do not allow anyone to ever suggest anything more than that. Being a crossdresser does not make one unfit to be a responsible, loving parent. Being a crossdresser does not necessitate that you should be the one to move out of the house by default. Simply being a crossdresser does not equate to you being a bad person in any way, shape, or form.

This aspect of your life may come out during divorce proceedings. It is something to prepare for rather than worry about. Find a therapist who has experience in transgender issues (and is held in high regard within the profession – do your homework before choosing). Get evaluated and have documentation ready to show the court that you are in no way a threat to your children, or unfit to be a parent because of this.

Be prepared for the possibility of your friends finding out. In worst case scenarios, some wives try to bully their soon to be ex-husband into submission with the threat of outting them to their friends and family. Give a bully an inch, and they’ll wring you for all that you have. Some of your friends and family may disassociate themselves from you. You will gain new friends in time – friends who love and accept you as you are, and not just for some facade they’re comfortable seeing. Don’t forget that some friend/family may react poorly at first, and have a change of heart after things settle in. They will discover that you’re still the same good person they’ve always known and loved.

Tough times ahead
Whatever the outcome, keep in mind that the pain and suffering you are experiencing now is only temporary. It may not feel that way today, but it will indeed pass. However things go, you will emerge from this as a stronger, wiser, and better person.

What is important is weathering the storm, and reclaiming your life. You can and will do just that. It may not be easy, but it is absolutely attainable. Be it with your wife, or with a new love in the future, you will experience happiness once again.

Good luck
Hang in there and don’t loose hope. I wish you and your family all the best.

Offer your input to help a struggling family
I would ask those of you who have been where Nora is now to please offer your input. If you were able to work things out, what seemed to help the most? If things didn’t work out, can you share any insight or important lessons learned? How did you ensure the best possible arrangement for your kids if there was a divorce? What advice can you offer up that you wish someone could have suggested to you?

 
Related content:

• Dear Gabi Advice Column
• Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page
• How to Tell Your Wife You’re a Crossdresser
• Crossdressing Myths & Misconceptions

How best to handle it with my wife is my biggest concern. In the past I had felt that crossdressing was wrong and therefore had purged my collection several times. Now for me personally, I am comfortable with it. I had been trying to decide how to talk with my wife about it when she discovered.

Since then she has expressed the viewpoint/belief that (A) per the Bible and society crossdressing is bad and wrong. Absolutely no wavering on this so far. (B) She also believes that it is something that if you try hard enough you can stop doing it.. She has also stated from watching Jerry Springer show that all crossdressers will become gay at first and then that leads to all getting a sex change operation. For the most part she presents to me as these being absolutes.

She has also remarked that now all she can think of me as is Georgette whether it is just kissing or anything else. She also feels that if she would of given me sex more often then I would not want to cross dress. I have/had a web blog where I was journaling/logging my experiences. She wants me to get rid of that to. Currently I am doing that.

In addition to all this, I feel like she wants me to make all these changes and stop dressing and because she says it is wrong.

Yet at the same she does not what to consider or accept any offers for compromise.

Thank you,

Georgette

 

I am sorry to have misinterpreted your request for advice in the previous letter. An unaccepting wife, unwilling to compromise, is a tough pill to swallow. It will be a long-term investment, but there are options to consider in working things out.

The arguments your wife makes against crossdressing are almost text-book for many in this situation. Some wives have also thrown in a rather unpleasant ultimatum: either stop crossdressing or the marriage is over (sometimes accompanied by a threat of public humiliation and/or financial ruin). I’ve read countless accounts very similar to yours. Some of them have ended badly and others have managed to work things out. In some cases, the marriage has even grown stronger as the wife learns more about the realities of crossdressing (vs. the misconceptions) and gets the chance to fully know her husband.

Basic psychology behind this reaction to crossdressing
The way in which a wife reacts to the realization that her husband is a crossdresser varies greatly. Some women feel very threatened by the prospect of their husband exhibiting a feminine side. The less that is known about crossdressing realities, the greater potential threat perceived. Many women simply prefer a man to be all-masculine, all the time.

Based on the information in your letter, your wife probably falls into the category of women who want their man to be all-masculine, all the time. It’s a matter of personal preference, and everyone is entitled to their own. Her reaction to your crossdressing is an expression of fear over “loosing the man she fell in love with” and what others might think if they found out. The idea of you being feminine may also be damaging to your sex appeal in her eyes.

Before we get into the specifics of your wife’s arguments; very common misconceptions and concerns that are brought up by many unaccepting wives, it is important to keep in mind that she is probably filled with fears and uncertainty over this issue. Even if she may not be doing the same for you right now, try to be patient and understanding as she works through her own set of complicated emotions.

Addressing her concerns

Crossdressing and society
Today’s society is, on the whole, pretty uncomfortable with the idea of crossdressing, and consequently, not very accepting of it. Even so, simply being uncomfortable with something does not make it “wrong” or “bad”. Society has been uncomfortable with all kinds of things in past years – things that are perfectly acceptable and regarded as normal today. Several times, I’ve brought up how mainstream society in the 1950′s (made up of mostly whites) was not very accepting of blacks. It was just “common knowledge” that blacks were inferior to whites, lacked intelligence, and often regarded as a menace to society. As ridiculous as that sounds today, mainstream society was very comfortable with that notion decades ago. Did the fact that this was a widely accepted popular belief ever make it true?

What the Bible says about crossdressing
One of many misconceptions about crossdressing is that the Bible says it is sinful and wrong. This is not true, but there is a passage in the Bible that may be interpreted as such, depending on the translation.

It states in Deuteronomy 22:5, “A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your God.” (quoted from the “English Standard Version” translation, see link) Taken in a literal sense, it seems pretty damning to crossdressing men… and all women. The intended meaning behind the words is debatable, and there is much debate about it. Perhaps taking a look at another Bible verse might help put things in perspective:

Leviticus 19:27, “You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard.” 19:28 “You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves.” Apparently barbers, hairdressers, and tattoo studios have been damning us all for quite some time now. Oddly, not many people have a problem with other aspects of one’s appearance that seem to be in conflict with the teachings in the Bible.

Giving up crossdressing is not necessary
I covered this to some extent in Crossdressing Myth #5 (though not specifically in this context). It may be unpopular to the masses, but that does not make it immoral, sinful or wrong. There is no need to give up something based on societal popularity – especially at the cost one’s own personal happiness and contentment in life.

The Jerry Springer Show
There is very little, if any, real educational value to The Jerry Springer Show. The show is not designed to educate, but rather to entertain. Whether or not it is actually entertaining is up to the viewer to decide. It should be known that Jerry Springer himself has gone on record stating: “I would never watch my show. I’m not interested in it. It’s not aimed towards me. This is just a silly show.” (source: BBC News) Using The Jerry Springer Show as a serious source of information for anything is usually a sign of desperacy on behalf of the person citing it as reference.

Crossdressing, sexual orientation, and SRS
This is covered in Crossdressing Myth #1 and Crossdressing Myth #2. In short, straight people do not “turn” gay, nor do gay people turn straight, regardless of crossdressing. Crossdressers generally tend not to be good candidates for sex reassignment surgery, either.

An active sex life does not prevent crossdressing
The most active sex life in the world will not prevent or “cure” crossdressing. Lack of a sex life is not the cause of crossdressing, either. Whether crossdressing is an act of feminine self-expression, a sexual fetish, or somewhere in-between (as it varies from one to the next), it is a personal trait on the genetic level (like being left or right-handed) and not the result of outside stimulus, or lack there of. Outside stimulus will influence one’s crossdressing style/preference, but not the existence there of within an individual.

Working things out

What is at stake
All marriages have their ups and downs. A marriage can fail for any number of reasons. I think it’s safe to say that the vast majority of divorce cases do not involve crossdressing among reasons listed. The main reasons for failed marriages are lack of communication, and irreconcilable differences (such as serious incompatibility issues). If either party ends up sacrificing their own personal happiness in order to maintain “peace” in the marriage, it usually leads to pent up anger and resentment that will manifest itself in various negative ways. It may not necessarily end the marriage, but it certainly does not make for a very happy one. You and your wife will need to come to an agreement that is acceptable to both, and that is feasible over the long-term.

Patience and understanding
You may feel like the one under attack, but it’s important to not loose sight of your wife’s feelings during all of this. Be patient and understanding of your wife’s fears and worries. Try to avoid the topic of crossdressing for a while if it is upsetting to her. Divert her attention to things that bring both of you joy together. The understanding and patience you show to your wife now may be returned from her to you in time.

Bothered by the thought of a feminine husband
Some women have a need for their male romantic interest to be only masculine, period. Whether this preference is at the very root of their personal being or the result of living in a society that teaches teaches and rewards such thinking, they do not want to think about their man in any way other than completely masculine. The same can be said for most men only wanting to see their female love interest in a feminine light, only. To each, his/her own.

After debunking the initial arguments your wife has presented against crossdressing, she may just find new ones to complain about. If her intent is to simply “make it go away, period”, she will continue to discourage your crossdresing in other ways until she succeeds in driving it away… or driving you away in the process.

Assert yourself
You have the right to be yourself. There is nothing wrong with who you are, at least not because of crossdressing. If it bothers her too much to think about you in a feminine light, consider keeping this aspect of your life to yourself.

It is always more rewarding when this can be shared and enjoyed between two people, but its not for everyone and not much can be done about that. There are plenty of happily married couples in which the wife is aware of, but not an active participant in her husband’s crossdressing. Every couple has their separate interests in addition to the common/shared. Not everything need be shared together actively – especially the things that are undesirable to the other. For instance, many women do not share in their husband’s love of sports and do not take part in the frequent gatherings centered around them. Being a hard core sports enthusiast is a different animal than crossdressing, but the relevant point is an example of an activity that is often not shared between husband and wife.

Sorting out and sharing thoughts publicly
If keeping an online journal is helpful and/or therapeutic to you, then you shouldn’t give it up. Your wife might be concerned about your identity being discovered as a result of your journal. Take proper measures to minimize that possibility if that is the case. Involve her in the process of ensuring anonymity so that she feels more comfortable with it.

Her main issue might not be the prospect of you being discovered, but rather that she simply does not want you exploring this aspect of your life, period. Try to identify the root of her concerns and work on them accordingly.

Compromise, communication, and feelings
Reaching a compromise that you can both be happy with in the long run is what needs to be focused on. Keep in mind that your wife is going to be working though her own fears and insecurities during this process and may not be ready for productive conversation in light of that. When there is too much disagreement and argument in a discussion, then it is time to defer for another time. Nothing positive will result from a shouting match.

Marriage/couples counseling
Consider seeking professional help from a trained, licensed marriage counselor. Working on things together under the supervision of a trained professional has helped many couples better understand each other and improve the quality of their marriage. Be sure to do your homework before deciding on a therapist. Just because someone has a title and license does not mean they’re any good at what they do. Make sure that your therapist has experience in transgender issues, and look into their track record.

Good luck
There is no magic solution to this dilemma. I hope that the two of you can work things out together and come to an understanding that is acceptable to both. At the very least, I hope that the two of you can the find happiness that you each deserve, even if it is not with each other.

Offer your input to help a struggling marriage
I would ask those of you who have been where Georgette is now to please offer your input. If you were able to work things out, what seemed to help the most? Even if things didn’t work out, can you share any insight or important lessons learned? Perhaps you’re the wife of a crossdresser who has experienced similar concerns. What advice can you offer Georgette (or anyone in her situation) that you wish someone could have offered you?

 
Related content:

• Dear Gabi Advice Column
• Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page
• How to Tell Your Wife You’re a Crossdresser
• Crossdressing Myths & Misconceptions

Thanks for your page, I will be back to visit. I have dressed off/on since 5 years old. In an off phase went dated and married.

Had gotten back into and understand and accept now that it is part of me and great stress relief. Almost cost me my job due to poor reaction to stress.

I was trying to decide how to talk with my wife about it and left a journal site open. Now she knows before I was quite ready. I have seen your How to Tell Your Wife You’re a Crossdresser page but am looking for any other help tips there might be. If you have any, thanks.

I haven’t looked at everything here but your en femme pictures are awesome, you make very nice looking woman. If I can get half as cute as you I will be happy.

Good luck and enjoy in the future.

Sincerely,

Georgette

 

You’re off to a good start, even if it doesn’t feel that way to you right now. In accepting and embracing this aspect of your life, you have laid the foundation of stability on which to grow and evolve as a person. It’s healthier for one to allow oneself to be who they truly are rather than to deny or suppress it (barring circumstances that would be harmful to others).

In my opinion, it is best to share the truth with one’s spouse. We all have our personal matters of privacy. The difference between personal privacy and marriage-deal-breakers should be obvious between two people who know each other well enough to have tied the knot. If a marriage fails as a result personal disclosures, it is usually indicative of the fact it had a poor foundation to begin with (under false pretense). Concealed/hidden truths rarely make for a successful marital formula. I think you’re decision to tell your wife is the right call and a respectable move on your part. She deserves to know.

The worst takes place in your own mind
It is unfortunate that your wife discovered your feminine side before you were emotionally ready to disclose it – more so for you than for your spouse. The good news is, the fear and uncertainty you’re experiencing is probably more the result of over-thinking than anything else.

I understand you’ve been doing your homework and reading up on how to properly explain things to your wife. That’s a very intelligent move on your part and will benefit both of you. Concentrate your emotional energies on all that you’ve learned in your research and figure out how best to apply it to your own, unique situation.

It’s life as usual
Perhaps the best thing one can do after coming out to, or being discovered by their wife is to simply do nothing at all – at least at first. If the initial round of questions have been addressed, then you should give your wife some space and allow her ample time to process the information at her own pace. For many women, it can be a lot to take in, and understandably so.

This is where it can be difficult on your part, in terms of not quite being ready for this moment just yet. You might be filled with even more questions, concerns, and uncertainty than your wife. The fear and uncertainty a common emotion for those who are newly out to their spouse.

It is in your best interest to simply go about “life as usual” until your wife is ready to discuss things further and approaches you about it. This means do whatever you would normally do as if nothing has changed. Even if you’re not feeling the most confident inside, you had best put those feelings aside for now and put on a smile for the woman you love. Your wife has a lot to process and you need to let her know (by example) that everything is ok.

Danger, Will Robinson!
There is a trap that crossdressers often fall into – especially those who are newly out to a significant other. It’s what I call the “Is it because I’m a crossdresser?” syndrome. With the knowledge that your wife now knows about this aspect of your life, you may begin to question little things that were not much of a concern before. The reality is, people have disagreements and various ups and downs in their relationships. That’s the norm across the board. The fact that you’re a crossdresser has little (if anything) to do with that, except for in your own mind. If you ever find yourself wondering if something is wrong and ponder the question: “Is it because I’m a crossdresser?”, chances are, you’re just being paranoid. This is your que to immediately drop that thought process before you inadvertently stir up trouble where there was none to begin with. Your wife knows, and she didn’t run screaming or lay into you about it – that says a lot.

The marital trouble that occurs after coming out to (or being outed to) one’s wife is often the result of a paranoid transgender who has subconsciously instigated trouble all on their own. If you go looking hard enough for a problem in a specific area, you might just find what you were looking for… after having caused it yourself. It may not be easy, but take my advice when I say: do not go there. Should you find your thoughts dwelling on this paranoid line of reasoning, heed my warning.

It’s not the end of marital happiness if…
Your wife may end up understanding you better in time, and choose not to be an active participant in this aspect of your life. There is nothing that says she has to, either. This is a choice you must allow her to make for herself, and respect her decision should it be that of non-participation. It’s always more enjoyable when this can be shared between partners, but it’s not for everyone.

It’s not the end of the road if your wife doesn’t want to be take part of this aspect of your life. It is normal for wives and husbands to each pursue their own individual interests outside of that which they share with each other.

I am reminded of a popular tech podcast I enjoy. The podcaster eats, breathes, and lives tech. His wife does not. Their together life is pretty tech-limited. She has her thing, and he has his. Together they are a loving couple with other cross-over interests.

Being a tech-enthusiast is a very different animal than being transgendered. The point is that all married couples have their together-interests, and their separate-interests. It is up to each couple to settle upon that which is essential to share together, and that which can be enjoyed separately in order for the marriage to work best.

Take it easy and enjoy each moment for what it is
Sit tight, relax, and let things play out as they will. If you run into bumps along the way, do not stress. Bumps can be discussed and evened out later on. Be there for your wife and answer her questions with complete honesty. Don’t push her or rush anything. Above all – be the loving, caring, supportive spouse she’s always known and loved.

Good luck, and I wish all the best for you and your wife.

 
Related content: Dear Gabi Advice Column

Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page

 

Happy New Year 2010! I hope everyone enjoyed a safe and festive evening full of fun and laughter, among good friends and family.

The Mrs. and I were pretty low-key last night. It was just the two of us with no real plans for the evening. We enjoyed some TV together (a bit of Dexter season 3 on DVD) and took it easy. The fabulous Mrs. H. wasn’t feeling so fabulous (due to a visit from her monthly friend) and fell asleep well before midnight. I woke her with a gentle kiss and wished her a happy new year just before calling it a night and joining her.

Following the long standing tradition, many people will make new year’s resolutions with good intent, only to give up after a short period of trying. There are some very important resolutions I made this year. I pray that I have the strength to follow through with them.

The New Year’s cliche
One of the more popular new year’s resolutions is to go on a diet, loose weight, exercise more, etc. – call it the standard “get-fit-and-trim resolution”. It often doesn’t last as people quickly discover how time consuming and unpleasant getting in shape really is, not to mention the level of self-discipline required to maintain a healthy diet AND stick with the exercise regimen.

Staying fit and trim is a life-long commitment and there’s nothing fun or enjoyable about the process itself. The outcome is, of course, looking more attractive, feeling better and living healthier. I’ve always been able to stick with it, whereas so many others fail after what seems like only a halfhearted attempt. The main excuse is always the same: “I don’t have enough time.” Whether it be working long hours, raising kids, spending too much time watching TV, social networking and grazing on junk food while sitting on one’s ass, it always comes down to “lack of time”.

Never enough time
Even though I don’t buy that excuse from many people who toss it out there ever so quickly, I do fully understand the difficulties of living within tough-to-manage time constraints. That’s the story of my life – always so much to do, and never enough time. Even so, I always take the time to maintain physical fitness, often at the cost of letting other things slide.

Personal failures
Exercising daily is not something I enjoy by any means, but I keep at it. So many others do not, offering excuses to justify their failures. Fact is, there are many areas in which I fail miserably while others seem to have little problem, and that is where I find myself offering excuses. Of course, my excuses aren’t just excuses. They’re very real obstacles… aren’t they? That’s certainly how it feels. Perhaps this is how it feels to those who attempt dieting and getting in shape only to throw in the towel so quickly. A lot of people are, simply put: just plain lazy. I also think there are many who try very hard, only to run into what seems like serious and unbeatable obstacles in their lives.

A growing problem in my life
It is a little known fact that I am a foul-mouthed, quick-tempered hot-head in person. More accurately, my man-side, Gabe, is. As Gabrielle, I’m somehow more balanced and not as moody. Most of my time is spent in guy-mode however, and I have some serious anger management issues that have built up considerably in recent months. My out-of-control temper is mostly the result of misplaced anger. The real problem is stress caused by numerous factors in my life, and, dare I say – my lack of time and resources to deal with them.

My resolutions

• Manage my limited time more effectively. There’s never enough time to do it all, but with better time management and self-discipline, it will be possible to accomplish more in the time I do have and reduce the number of stressors that fuel my anger.
• Be mindful of angry feelings and hold my tongue before a stream of senseless profanities come out of my mouth at high decibels. It feels good to let it all out like that, but it has been causing serious trouble in my marriage and professional life and needs to stop.
• Focus and fully apply myself to the task at hand, rather than dwell on the problems I am powerless to change (at that particular moment). Deal with one task/problem at a time. Take things one day at a time.

What are your resolutions, if any?
Cliche or not, what are your new year’s resolutions? Have you chosen to make some changes and personal improvements? Have you abandon the whole “new year’s resolution” thing like many others? Please take a few minutes to share what you’ve got going on… and wish me luck on taming my own demons.

If you don’t have any resolutions to share, I’d still like to hear how you spent your new year’s eve, if you don’t mind sharing.

It’s Friday… thank GOD it’s Friday! What a crazy, busy week it’s been for me. That’s often how things just work out in my life.

During the week, my wife, the fabulous Mrs. H., brightened up my days with her usual awesomeness. From her amazing, delicious Puerto Rican home cooking to the incredible way she rocks my world (and everything else in between) – she’s the greatest.

I love my wife with all my heart and thank God for her presence in my life. This afternoon I will greet her with a nice bouquet of flowers in hand. If you’re reading this, why not surprise your wife or significant other with some flowers, too. The loving smile they offer in return is worth every dime!

Every couple of weeks or so, I bring her flowers just to let her know I love her and just to enjoy the beautiful smile they put on her face. Flowers really don’t have much value to me. I mean, they’re kind of expensive for something that really doesn’t last long. Some people may see it as a waste of money, but it’s really not. Like I said, the smile it makes on her face is worth every dime. She knows I love her – I tell her frequently, and show it in many ways. She loves getting flowers though, and lights right up with joy.

Even though I don’t bring her flowers every week, she kind of knows my pattern. It’s usually on a Friday and usually a couple of times a month. In light of that, maybe the surprise element isn’t very high, but she loves when I greet her with a bouquet of flowers followed by a hug and kiss.

I call it “marriage maintenance” – the little things that aren’t necessary, but still make a big difference in the general level of happiness. Are you up to date on your marriage maintenance? Flowers aren’t just for dating and special occasions. They put a big smile on my wife’s face every time, and I bet they will for yours, too.

When’s the last time you brought your wife some flowers for no other reason than just because you love her? Why not do so today. There are often additional benefits in bringing your wife flowers, too, you know. ;) I’ll leave that to your imagination. But don’t just imagine a happy marriage. MAKE it a reality.

Have a great weekend, everyone. Bring your wife some flowers and I bet it will be that much better for the both of you.

Update: The photo up top is that of my wife admiring the flowers, moments after I came through the door this afternoon. I brought her a dozen white roses. As expected, a HUGE smile was on her face (sorry the flowers are covering it – she asked not to have her face shown completely). Mission accomplished. The previous photo was of a bouquet I bought her some time ago.

I did not nor do I now understand crossdressing. I was raised very religiously and naive as to what the world’s about. When I met my husband, 30 years younger than me, his mom would say that once we got together his bisexuality and crossdressing would not be there, but to my horror it was an every day thing and that he wanted to be a girl.

I’ve tried for all these years to deal with it give him some of my clothes, watch porn, deal with him chatting with his gay and crossdressing friends that don’t understand where I’m coming from. I’m severely depressed and this has only driven me farther and farther into it. I had problems before but this has escalated it.

After his mom’s death he wanted to start it up again and I said no. For the first time in our marriage he’s talked about it, now wants to go on with his life as were separated, and moving in with another bisexual and soon there will be a relationship there. He led me to believe that we could work things out sometime in the future but hit me with separation (same as a divorce) and he’s moving on and being what he is. This has torn me up and anxiety depression and feeling inadequate and the scum of the earth.

I’ve asked the docs and therapists for help it’s not enough. All I do is cry and feel like a complete failure. Even though I should just not talk to him and cut the ties, I can’t do it. My love is so deep and yet it’s obvious he only used me for money and getting what he wants. I’m not trying to step on any toes here, I just don’t understand and it’s messed me up so bad I can’t function. I have serious health issues and yet I can’t get disability and I’m on Lexapro and Clonazepam, but they’re not working. They won’t let me see another doctor or counselor and tell me to deal with it.

The same as my husband tells me about his crossdressing and bisexuality, the only support I have is my family and friends who think he should’ve been honest before we got married when he only wanted to talk when he was in my clothes! That’s not the time to talk to me about it. This is a lot of info and I’m sorry. I’m trying whatever I can to get help to get understand and I’m tired of hearing it’s not me. I feel after this being the 3rd marriage and other relationships have gone bad and left me with feeling very inadequate, I’m a failure and shouldn’t have been born.

Thank you for at least listening.

Chris

I am so sorry to hear about your failed marriage and painful emotional struggles. There is nothing I can say or do that will heal your broken heart, but I may be able to at least shed light on some things that don’t make sense to you.

Crossdressing is different from one person to the next, therefore I cannot adequately spell it out in simple, logical terms. In general, it’s a man’s need to express his feminine side. Like being left-handed or naturally athletic, it’s a personal trait and not something that goes away or can be “cured” any more than one can “cure” being left-handed.

Bisexuality is a person’s attraction to and romantic interest in both sexes. It is not linked or directly related to crossdressing. Most crossdressers are, in fact, heterosexual men with no romantic interest in other men whatsoever. Most gay and bisexual men are also not crossdressers. Sometimes crossdressers happen to be gay or bi, and sometimes gay or bi men happen to be crossdressers.

May-December romance is tricky at best, depending on the age discrepancy. Romantic relationships between couples, in which the age difference is significant, tend to have less of a survival rate than couples who’s age does not differ greatly. The 30 year gap between you and your separated husband is pretty significant. Although age difference alone does not necessarily mean a relationship is doomed to fail, it certainly plays a considerable role.

I understand that you knew little to nothing about crossdressing or the significance of one’s sexual orientation before getting married. It was ignorance on the part of your husband’s mother to suggest it would go away once the two of you got married. Marriage does not change one’s sexual orientation/preference or their need for feminine self-expression.

It was admirable of you to try and be open to your husband’s crossdressing and sexual interests. Unfortunately, his desires (and perhaps needs) went well beyond just crossdressing and porn. You should not see this as a failure on your part because it has nothing to do with who you are as a person, and everything to do with what your husband wants and needs in his life. In other words, do not blame yourself for your husband’s behavior.

I can’t help but wonder if your husband may be more of a transsexual than a crossdresser based on your saying “he wanted to be a girl.” If that is the case, it is likely he has felt this way for a long time. Crossdressing and transsexualism are two very different things. Although both may involve the act of crossdressing (as in someone who is genetically male dressing as a female), the motive for doing so differs. Both are also very complex subjects and explaining the differences is better suited for a series of lengthy books.

You are absolutely correct in that your husband should have been more honest with you about his long-term interests and desires. Life is a discovery process however, and it’s possible that he may not have understood these aspects of his own life when the two of you were engaged to be married. Regardless, he was not as open and forthcoming with you as he should have been. This is, unfortunately, somewhat common among transgendered people. The fear of rejection compiled with the desire to live a “normal” life often keeps people from being completely honest about these things prior to marriage. It doesn’t make it right, but it does explain why it happens.

Marriages do not fail because of crossdressing or sexual orientation. They fail because of compatibility issues, lack of respect, and poor communication. In your story, I see some significant compatibility issues, and lack of communication. The respect factor is debatable and unclear in your letter, but the other two shortcomings are more than enough to cause a break up. For a marriage to work, both parties need to be equally committed and devoted to making it work. Both have to want it to work.

Although you have expressed difficulty in letting go of your husband, it is probably in your best interest to do so. You cannot hold on to a man who does not feel for you, as you do for him. It’s not healthy and nothing good will come of it. The sooner you let go, the sooner you can begin to heal and move on with your own life. You deserve a man who loves you completely and can commit himself to you in a monogamous relationship. Do not settle for less.

Before attempting another relationship, I suggest you work on your severe depression and low-self esteem. Depression, low-self esteem, and insecurities will cause serious trouble in any relationship. Failure to get these issues under control prior to entering another relationship will only result in another heart break.

There is no easy fix for depression, but it can be managed if you choose to work at it. Your solution will not be found in a pill or therapy alone. Medication and counseling can help, but the rest is up to you. Understanding this important point may be your first step to true recovery.

You’ve been through some difficult times and I hope that you’ll not think poorly of all crossdressers because a single man, and/or his friends. I am a heterosexual crossdresser in a monogamous and committed relationship with my wife. She knows all about my crossdressing and enjoys this aspect of my life with me. Of course, not all women will enjoy being with crossdresser. If the idea of crossdressing in and of itself is not a desirable quality in your eyes, that’s fine. Lucky for you, most men are not crossdressers. Everyone is allowed their opinion, but you should not sum up all crossdressers poorly because one caused you pain and suffering. Every group has its bad examples. Most of us are good, devoted husbands and fathers who are completely committed to our wives and families.

You’ve got some rough times ahead, Chris. I hope you will choose to overcome your troubles and move on with your life. The pain you feel will not be there forever. You’re old enough to understand that. This is a temporary state and you will come out of it stronger and wiser for the experience. You’re a good person and deserve to be happy. Do not place your self-worth on the success or failure of a relationship, but rather on your own good qualities. I believe in you, Chris. It is time to believe in yourself.

 
Related content: Dear Gabi Advice Column

Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page

 

When I arrived home from work the other day, my wife was peaking out of the door smiling at me as I parked the car. I greeted her with a hug and kiss. She gave me a big smile and said, “Thank you for coming out to me.” It made me happy to hear, although I was a bit surprised she brought it up out of the blue.

“What makes you say that right now?”, I asked. She replied, “I’m just very happy that you love me, trust me enough to tell me your deepest secrets, and can be completely open with me.” We took a walk in our back yard, hand-in-hand, and enjoyed each others company while chatting about our day.

I came out to her only last year, after more than a decade of marriage. I wish I had come out years ago. She’s been very accepting of my crossdressing and helpful in making it possible. Mrs. H. treats me well and puts up with a lot from me (I’m not exactly an easy person to live with). Regardless of my quirks and faults, she loves me as I am. For the record, I do not consider crossdressing to be a “quirk” or a “fault”, but rather a personal trait.

The love I share with my wife runs deep and she fills my life with with happiness and joy. It was only after coming out to her that I truly realized the full extent of her love. She even told me how “interesting” she thought I was. In other words, she’s happier to have a husband (and part time t-girl) who’s not just another average guy.

Understandably, a lot of crossdressers are still hiding this part of their lives from their spouses. Many have have come out to their wives, only to be told things like “I don’t want any part of it” or “Either you stop, or I’m leaving you and you’ll never see your kids again…” It breaks my heart that so many people like me end up with a woman who does not fully love and accept them. It almost seems wrong choosing to stay with such a person, although I understand there are strong feelings of attachment and need involved.

No one (man or woman) should settle for less than a spouse who truly loves them completely. Whether you’re a crossdresser or not, if your significant other does not wholly love you as you are, that ought to tell you something. My marriage is far from perfect and has its share of turbulence, but my wife and I have learned to communicate pretty well. We make a good effort to work out our differences and try to understand how each other feels.

I count my blessings and don’t take Mrs. H. for granted. She’s stood by my side through some very difficult times. When we hear the song “I’ll Stand by You” by The Pretenders, it reminds us of our relationship. It almost seems to be written from the perspective of my wife, to me. I get choked up listening to it sometimes.

Thank you for standing by me, my loving wife. Thank you for understanding and being there for me. I’ll be there for you too, always.

You’re a closet crossdresser ready to tell your wife about your feminine side. This may seem like a daunting task, but with some preparation and a good game plan, you can do it. This is my personal opinion and advice on the subject:

Keeping secrets is bad
Lies, secrets, and deception are potent ingredients in the recipe for a failed marriage. Although telling your significant other the truth before taking your vows is always the best course of action, it is often not done for a variety of reasons. Like I was, many are still in a state of confusion or self-denial about their crossdressering when they got married.

In some instances, it may be best to remain in the closet – at least for the time being. If you enjoy a happy family life, have things truly under control, and have reason to believe that coming out may have terrible consequences for your family, perhaps it is best to leave well enough alone. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Ultimately, it is up to each individual to decide what is best for them. My personal opinion is that a woman has the right to know about the man she married, just as the man has the right to be himself without having to hide who he is. Of course, she also has the right to tell him good bye if she feels that his secret is too much for her to take. I’ll address that scenario in more depth later in this article.

Understand who you are
Before initiating this conversation with your wife, you’d better be certain you understand it yourself. If you still have confusion about who or what you are, hold off on the talk. Your wife will probably sense your confusion and may conclude that your crossdressering is a disorder or mental illness – something you need help to overcome like alcoholism or an obsessive compulsion. If you’re still struggling to understand it yourself, I strongly advise seeking therapy with a trained professional before talking to your wife. Most therapists are used to this discussion topic and will be able to help you work through your confusion. You might even consider finding one that specializes in gender identity counseling.

Test the water
If you are concerned about how your wife might react to the news, test the water first. Figure out a way to broach the subject without letting on that it is really about you.

If you think your storytelling skills are up to par, consider just making up a story about a co-worker or someone you know (and your wife does not). Explain that your friend Susan just found out about her husband being a crossdresser. You can either put a positive or negative spin to gauge your wife’s reaction. For instance, Susan found out and was very intrigued and excited by the news, or perhaps she was very upset and was thinking about leaving her husband.

The idea is to get your wife to offer her opinion on the matter without noticeably prompting her to. Understanding where she sits on things before having the talk will offer some insight as to how she will react when you tell her the news.

Don’t play the surprise game
Deciding to come out to your wife by surprising her completely en femme is probably not a good idea. You may want to have a picture or two handy when you talk to her, but do not just spring this on your wife while all dressed up. It may be very shocking and upsetting to her. Even though this is an integral part of your life, you also need to be sensitive to how she may feel and react. Talk first. Introduce your feminine side later.

Timing is everything
It is a good idea to have a specific time set aside to have this important conversation. You may or may not specifically make your wife aware of it ahead of time, so long as you know she’ll be available. Be certain that there will be ample free time in which to let the conversation play out without interruption. This could be a long talk, so plan accordingly.

Hold off on having the conversation if there are currently other matters that weigh heavily on your wife’s mind. For instance, if your wife is working through some kind of personal troubles or your pet dog just died, it’s not a good time. Wait for a time when everything is relatively uneventful.

It’s a gift, not a disease
Regardless of how the general public views crossdressering, it’s not a disorder, mental illness, disease, addiction, or the work of the devil. Psychiatric professionals will explain that crossdressing is perfectly normal, and that it is society that has the problem, not the crossdresser. Do not present this part of your life like some kind of terrible condition or affliction you suffer from. It is a difference, plain and simple. Everyone has differences. It is a part of who you are. You have a beautiful gift to share with your wife. Treat it as such.

It is understandable to feel nervous about this discussion. Even so, remember that how you present this part of your life will influence how well it is received by your wife.

Prepare yourself for the questions
Your wife is probably going to have a plethora of questions and you’d better be prepared to answer each of them and remain cool while doing so. Although you won’t be able to anticipate every question she’ll have, it is a good idea to prepare in-depth answers to some of the more common ones:

“Are you gay?” “Do you want a sex change?” “Are you going to start dressing like this all the time?” “Why didn’t you tell me this before we got married?”, etc.

Put the proper thought into your answers and be completely honest with your wife with each of them. Do not withhold information as it defeats the purpose of this important conversation.

If you are asked questions that you honestly do not immediately have an answer for – defer them until later. You’ll be better off getting back to her with those answers after putting proper thought into them, than if you just blurt out something that may not be entirely accurate as to how you feel. This is an important issue, so take the extra time and do it right. Even though you’re having “the big talk”, in reality coming out it is a process. One cannot expect to cover everything in a single conversation. It will probably be a series conversations over a period of time.

How much to explain in one conversation should be gauged by your wife’s reaction to what you have to say. If she is immediately upset and argumentative, it may be best to stop and let things settle in for a day or two before continuing with this topic of discussion.

Be prepared for potential fallout
Once you’ve delivered the news, there may be some difficult times ahead if your wife doesn’t immediately warm up to the idea. She might require some time to get used to the idea of your feminine side. She might not be entirely happy with it, but still choose to love and accept you as you are.

You have the right to be yourself and express yourself however you choose. You have the right live your life without someone else dictating how you can and cannot dress or present yourself. And your wife has the right to reject you if it is too upsetting or undesirable to her.

Some women will never accept or be happy with a crossdressing man, period. The thought their man in a feminine light might be upsetting and/or turn them off, and there’s not much that can be done to change how they feel. You may be faced with the dreaded ultimatum: “Either give up your crossdressering or I’m leaving you and you’ll never see your children again.” Whether or not she can really deliver on the “never see your children again” part, you may soon find yourself on the road to divorce.

How to deal with an ultimatum is up to you. If you believe you can truly be happy living life as half a person and give up your feminine side/things forever, you might be able to save the marriage. Keep in mind that changing who you are when there is nothing wrong with you, in order to save a relationship, is never a healthy move. A well-trained, licensed therapist will tell you the same. If you have to suppress and deny yourself who you are in order to be accepted and loved, then you are not truly being loved in the first place. You deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are, not just who someone else wants you to be. In addition, your wife deserves to be with someone who does not need to lie or repress his natural human instincts to be himself in order to please her.

Divorce is not the end of the world however. Weigh a lifetime of self-denial and personal turmoil against the idea of temporary heartbreak and hardship with the prospect of finding true happiness on the other side of the pain. After all is said and done, you will have the opportunity to find someone who will love all of you rather than just a part of you (your man-side). There are plenty of women who would enjoy the chance to fall in love with a crossdresser, and even prefer to be with one.

Although not crossdressing related, my parents went through a divorce and it was hard on the whole family. In the end, they both found people more compatible to each. I can honestly say I’ve never seen either of them happier than they are now.

Crossdressering is only one of thousands of things that could result in divorce. The bottom line is that marriages tend to fail when people are not compatible enough, period. Neither one can force their ways on the other and expect real happiness to come of it. Both parties need to be compatible, happy and content with themselves and each other in order for the relationship to work.

I am not advising remaining with or breaking up with a woman who does not accept your crossdressing. My point is to think seriously about the realities and consider your options wisely.

Good luck
Hopefully, your marriage will not come to an end when you explain your feminine side to your wife. Some marriages are greatly enhanced when a man can offer the best of both worlds to his wife. That is how things turned out for my wife and I. After coming out to her, we became even closer we ever have been before. There’s an extensive additional territory to explore and have fun with together. I took a somewhat different approach to telling my wife, but my circumstances were unique to begin with. You can read about how I came out to my wife by clicking the link.

Hopefully this has shed light on some important things that need to be taken into consideration when it is time to have that necessary talk with your wife. Whatever you decide is right for you, I hope the final outcome brings happiness, joy, a sense of wholeness and freedom to your life.

I’m not sure when exactly this started. It was probably many years ago because it seems like we’ve always done it this way… or more accurately put, she’s done it this way. What way is that?

It is polite to let the other party know that they are loved before hanging up. One never knows if/when something terrible might happen to them, so we’ve always made it a point to end all phone conversations with an expression of love – just in case these words are the last ever spoken between us.

Over time however, these words began to be less true from the heart, and more of just a protocol. The words are “I love you.” Or that is how they started out, anyway. Now, when I’m on the phone with Mrs. H. and she wants or needs to end the conversation abruptly, she’ll tell me “love you.” This “love you” has a specific tone to it. It is spoken in a manner similar to that of “I have to go now.”

When these words are spoken, it is expected that I simply reply back “I love you too” and then we both hang up. Of course, sometimes I continue talking. After all, there are times when she drops this on me mid-sentence. I’ve got more to say, and usually do so. If the first “love you” is not responded to in time, a second one will be fired off. The second “love you” is spoken louder and a bit more forceful. Remember – she’s not professing her love for me with these words, she’s telling me she wants to go now.

If the second “love you” is not met with the expected response from me, a third one will soon be dropped (like a bomb). This one is the final warning shot across the bow. This “love you” is forceful and absolute. She doesn’t use the word “dammit” in the third “love you”, but I can really feel it in there. It doesn’t need to be spoken, because I know she’s thinking “I told him ‘love you’ dammit – what’s taking him so long to say good bye!” There are only a few moments after the third “love you” before Mrs. H. begins to become angry with me or simply throw out the final “LOVE YOU! Bye!” and immediately hang up and be done with it.

Yesterday, I called up Mrs. H. while she was in the checkout line at a local store. No one wants to be bothered in the check out line, right? Almost as soon as I called her, I got the “love you”, meaning she couldn’t talk. But… I just called. I couldn’t end the conversation that quickly. She explained the situation, but I was in a silly mood and kept talking. She skipped over the typical second “love you” and went right into the forceful third, as if to say “Are you some kind of idiot? I’m paying for merchandise and need BOTH hands and if you don’t let me off the phone RIGHT NOW, I’m going to wring your pathetic little neck when I get home!” Yeah – that’s what I got out of that “love you”. It’s a married thing. I can tell.

That’s Mrs. H. in the photo up top, by the way. She’s pretty cool. Even after explaining that I wanted to do a write-up about her “love you” phone call ender, she was happy to pose for a photo. I annoyed her on purpose while taking some photos – to get the just right pose out of her. Thanks, baby! Love you. heehee

What’s your “time to hang up right now” signal? Do you follow any special protocols with your wife or significant other? What special code words you use? Tell me about about.

One of the questions I’m often asked by other crossdressers is how did I come out to my wife. I enjoy a very happy marriage and my wife is an active participant in my crossdressing. She helped me learn how to apply makeup, shops for female clothing with me, and is supportive of my need to be myself.

So how did I do it? Why is it that the Fabulous Mrs. H. loves her crossdressing spouse, Gabrielle, when other crossdressers run into giant road blocks with their wives/girlfriends? I wish I could tell other crossdressers that it was how I came out to her, but the fact is how I came out had little to do with her acceptance of me.

Like many crossdressers, I got married without first telling my wife about this aspect of my life. At the time, I was very ashamed of it and feared she would reject me if she knew. The seeds of her acceptance however, were sewn long before we got married. Even so, I still greatly feared rejection from the woman I love more than anything.

In many ways, I guess you could say that I got very lucky when it comes to my wife. She’s a very open-minded woman and always has been. Unlike much of society, adhering to accepted social behaviors and standards has never been her way. Instead, she’s always just chosen to be who she is and live her life as she chooses. It really blew my mind as I got to know her better – just how open-minded she really was (and is). It was very refreshing and just what I needed in my life.

An Interesting Request
I clearly remember one particular request she made of me one day long ago. At the time, we had not been dating very long. The two of us were enjoying some time together at my place. With a playful smile, she asked if I would wear one of her miniskirts for her. She had extra clothes with her having spent the night. Being a crossdresser she didn’t need to twist my arm! Even so, I was very shy about this. At the time, I was still very ashamed about this aspect of my life… but what if she’s into this kind of thing? With an odd mix of reluctance and excitement, I put on her black, form-fitting miniskirt. That was all I wore on this day – no other women’s clothes at this time. Under the skirt, I wore men’s bikini underwear. She absolutely loved it and was smiling ear to ear. It was at this moment that I realized the potential to someday truly be myself around the woman I love… but that day would not come for many years.

Mixed Signals
Fast forward to our married years. On occasion, my wife asked me to dress up fully in women’s clothes (no makeup). It was kind of a kinky sex thing that she enjoyed. She’d pick out some of her clothes for me and I was always happy to wear them for her. This was not a frequent happening however, and she was always in control of when. Several times over the years I attempted to initiate some dress-up time with her, but she almost always shot it down, (unintentionally) making me feel very bad about myself in the process. She had no clue I was a crossdresser – she just thought I was a loving husband who was willing to do things with her that most men would not.

It seemed that only she could initiate feminine dress-up time and was turned off by my own requests to do so. Therefore I kept the truth about my crossdressing a carefully guarded secret for more than a decade (after getting married).

As the years went by, I secretly dressed up when alone in the house. Like most closeted crossdressers, I acquired many female clothing items over the years and kept a hidden stash. Keeping this big secret wore on me over time though. I needed to be me more than just when my wife was out of the house, or on the somewhat rare occasion she asked me to dress up for her.

Last year (2008), there was an increase in my wife’s requests for me to dress up. By this time, I also had some of my own female clothes donated to me by my wife, BUT also told that I was only to wear them around her and only when asked to.

The Game Plan
Here’s where the process of coming out of the closet began. Over the course of the year, I made it a point to initiate conversations about her kinky desires to see me in women’s clothes. A conscious effort was put forth to keep this in her mind as much as possible – get her talking about it, thinking about it, and offering new ideas on how to take this further and make it more enjoyable. It slowly worked. She began asking me to dress up more frequently and we were both having a great time with it. Little by little, more clothing items were added to my wife-donated women’s wardrobe. She even began purchasing items specifically for me to wear for her, rather than just giving me things from her own closet.

I kept at it – constantly jumping any opportunity to engage her in conversation about this subject, while carefully not going overboard with it. It wasn’t just about getting more dress-up time with my wife though. Each time, I made sure to fill in a little more of the puzzle for her. I carefully began to paint the picture of who I really am. Just little bits at a time though, carefully monitoring how she felt and where her mind was with things along each step of the way.

It was about half way through the year that I explained to her my desire to see myself fully dressed as a woman, complete with hair, makeup, nails, and the works. She liked the idea, but also displayed some uncertainty. I continued working on her and by August, the date was on the calendar. Because of a hectic and busy life (and needing to keep it a secret outside of us), being fully made up with nails, etc. is rather tricky. A small window of opportunity was present in December 2008 and we planned around it.

As the date drew nearer, I continued explaining more about myself with each dress-up session and in general conversations about it. It was working nicely. Slowly she was getting the picture about me. Slowly I was sharing myself with my wife… completely.

A Road Block
When the time came to be fully dressed up head to toe in full makeup, nails, etc., my wife got her period. She wasn’t feeling well and sex was pretty much out of the question. She wanted me to wait (to be made up fully in makeup) until another time… which would have been several months later. This is when I really connected the dots for her. This is when she finally started to understand that it’s not just about sex to me – it is, in fact, who I am and how I would choose to be if society didn’t force strict gender rules upon us.

She Finally Understood
Although very disappointed that she would be unable to engage in some amazing and wild sex with me fully dressed up, she really started to understand. She knew the terminology, what I desired, and how I felt. She fully understood my sexuality (100% straight). She understood that although sex-while-dressed is a mind-blowing experience for both of us… my crossdressing went well beyond just that aspect.

After waiting my entire life, I finally got to meet “Gabrielle” face to face, thanks to my loving wife and her open-minded understanding. I was finally out to my wife. She knew, she accepted, and she enjoyed seeing me completely dressed up in full makeup, nails painted, and looking mighty fine as Gabrielle Hermosa. That first time, she told me that she had never seen me smile so much in my entire life. It made her happy just to see me so happy.

Success
Dressing up was no longer limited to my wife’s requests and no longer limited to a sexual activity. The days of secretly dressing up when my wife was out of the house were finally over. I found a new freedom in my life and with it, a new sense of peace and happiness.

Since fully coming out, our marriage has only gotten better. It was very good before, but even better after. My wife is very much in love with the new t-girl in her life: Gabrielle. Now she enjoys the best of both worlds – her devoted, loving husband and her (also devoted) sexy, loving girlfriend.

My Wife’s Sexual Preference
Mrs. H. is not into genetic women in any romantic sense. I’ve tried to open her mind to that possibility only to get chewed out and told how much the idea turns her off. Not even mildly bi-curious on her part. She is fascinated with the idea of a man transforming himself in to the appearance of a beautiful woman though. This much, I’ve known for some time. She’s always been drawn to TV shows and films that feature some kind of crossdressing in them. As I was ashamed about my crossdressing for many years, she was also somewhat ashamed of (mainly just shy about) her desire to see a man dressed up like a woman. Neither one of us are ashamed any more though. We’re too busy being happy and enjoying each other… all three of us, if you will.

A Happy Ending
There you have it. A very successful coming out and happy ending. Honestly, it wasn’t a happy ending but rather a very happy new beginning. Our marriage ain’t perfect by any means, but like I said – it is a very happy one filled with lots of love, devotion, respect, support, understanding… and some amazing experiences that most married couples will never know. A marriage without (open) crossdressing seems so one-dimensional to me now.

Thank God the two of us found each other. It seems that so many crossdressers end up getting married to women who are anything BUT open-minded or accepting. Every woman is not going to enjoy being with a crossdressing husband, and that’s understandable. Different strokes for different folks. It seems like such a waste to me though: living with a woman who will never accept her husband for who he really is. I got lucky that my wife not only accepts my crossdressing, but also happens to enjoy it very much. Had things worked out differently, I’m certain my marriage would have failed. I got to the point where I needed to be me and couldn’t keep it inside anymore. If things did not work out well with my wife on the acceptance front, it would have marked the beginning of the end. As much as I love her, the need to be who I am is stronger than any force in my life. Thank you God, for sending this woman into my life!

The Future
Today, I’m out only to my wife… and therapist, but that doesn’t really count. I’m active the online crossdressing community, but I’m only known as my feminine side, Gabrielle, online. My wife knows, loves, and enjoys both Gabe and Gabrielle. Perhaps in time, I will just be out, period. Unfortunately, finding acceptance in society will not be as easy as finding it in my wife. Somehow I’ll make things work for me though. One day at a time. :)