Happy New Year 2010! I hope everyone enjoyed a safe and festive evening full of fun and laughter, among good friends and family.

The Mrs. and I were pretty low-key last night. It was just the two of us with no real plans for the evening. We enjoyed some TV together (a bit of Dexter season 3 on DVD) and took it easy. The fabulous Mrs. H. wasn’t feeling so fabulous (due to a visit from her monthly friend) and fell asleep well before midnight. I woke her with a gentle kiss and wished her a happy new year just before calling it a night and joining her.

Following the long standing tradition, many people will make new year’s resolutions with good intent, only to give up after a short period of trying. There are some very important resolutions I made this year. I pray that I have the strength to follow through with them.

The New Year’s cliche
One of the more popular new year’s resolutions is to go on a diet, loose weight, exercise more, etc. – call it the standard “get-fit-and-trim resolution”. It often doesn’t last as people quickly discover how time consuming and unpleasant getting in shape really is, not to mention the level of self-discipline required to maintain a healthy diet AND stick with the exercise regimen.

Staying fit and trim is a life-long commitment and there’s nothing fun or enjoyable about the process itself. The outcome is, of course, looking more attractive, feeling better and living healthier. I’ve always been able to stick with it, whereas so many others fail after what seems like only a halfhearted attempt. The main excuse is always the same: “I don’t have enough time.” Whether it be working long hours, raising kids, spending too much time watching TV, social networking and grazing on junk food while sitting on one’s ass, it always comes down to “lack of time”.

Never enough time
Even though I don’t buy that excuse from many people who toss it out there ever so quickly, I do fully understand the difficulties of living within tough-to-manage time constraints. That’s the story of my life – always so much to do, and never enough time. Even so, I always take the time to maintain physical fitness, often at the cost of letting other things slide.

Personal failures
Exercising daily is not something I enjoy by any means, but I keep at it. So many others do not, offering excuses to justify their failures. Fact is, there are many areas in which I fail miserably while others seem to have little problem, and that is where I find myself offering excuses. Of course, my excuses aren’t just excuses. They’re very real obstacles… aren’t they? That’s certainly how it feels. Perhaps this is how it feels to those who attempt dieting and getting in shape only to throw in the towel so quickly. A lot of people are, simply put: just plain lazy. I also think there are many who try very hard, only to run into what seems like serious and unbeatable obstacles in their lives.

A growing problem in my life
It is a little known fact that I am a foul-mouthed, quick-tempered hot-head in person. More accurately, my man-side, Gabe, is. As Gabrielle, I’m somehow more balanced and not as moody. Most of my time is spent in guy-mode however, and I have some serious anger management issues that have built up considerably in recent months. My out-of-control temper is mostly the result of misplaced anger. The real problem is stress caused by numerous factors in my life, and, dare I say – my lack of time and resources to deal with them.

My resolutions

• Manage my limited time more effectively. There’s never enough time to do it all, but with better time management and self-discipline, it will be possible to accomplish more in the time I do have and reduce the number of stressors that fuel my anger.
• Be mindful of angry feelings and hold my tongue before a stream of senseless profanities come out of my mouth at high decibels. It feels good to let it all out like that, but it has been causing serious trouble in my marriage and professional life and needs to stop.
• Focus and fully apply myself to the task at hand, rather than dwell on the problems I am powerless to change (at that particular moment). Deal with one task/problem at a time. Take things one day at a time.

What are your resolutions, if any?
Cliche or not, what are your new year’s resolutions? Have you chosen to make some changes and personal improvements? Have you abandon the whole “new year’s resolution” thing like many others? Please take a few minutes to share what you’ve got going on… and wish me luck on taming my own demons.

If you don’t have any resolutions to share, I’d still like to hear how you spent your new year’s eve, if you don’t mind sharing.

I’ve shown my therapist photos of Gabrielle a few times. In recent sessions, it’s felt like things may be winding down. I wanted him to meet Gabrielle in person before we parted ways. Without being asked to or making it known ahead of time, I decided to just show up as Gabrielle. This particular session took place a few weeks ago – I’m a little behind in my writing. Coincidentally, I have another session with him today, although I’ll be going as plain old Gabe and not Gabrielle.

Here we go again
So what happens in the reception area before even having a seat in the waiting room? I get laughed at… again. To date, my record is perfect – every time I’ve ventured out into public and interacted with people as Gabrielle, I’ve gotten laughed at. As it’s been mentioned before, I do not pass in person.

About the photo
The “metal hands” photo of me above was taken shortly after arriving home from my session. The top and boots are the same, however I changed from my lovely but movement-restricting pencil skirt into another skirt that was easier to walk in. I don’t yet have any photos of me in the pencil skirt. I thought the photo was fitting for this write-up as my trip to the therapist en femme was a generally positive experience, and that rocked. :)

Some trouble walking
The walk from my parked car to the building and into the office was uneventful. A woman exiting the building held the door for me as I entered, and I thanked her with a smile. There was one or two other people I passed in the building’s lobby area. No one looked at me funny, at least not from what I could tell. I had some trouble with the actual walking though. In an effort to stand out less in public, I attempted to tone down my (sexy) look by wearing a past-knee length pencil skirt. My outfit looked very nice but walking in a movement-limiting form-fitting pencil skirt for the first time was rather tricky. I’m not used to it and need more practice.

Enter the office
The receptionist was very kind to me. Polite, and smiling with genuine intent, she took care of business professionally. Of course, I’m not the first t-girl she’s seen. I should probably mention that my therapist is actually a full psychiatrist and shares an office with a few other psychiatrists. She’s been exposed to plenty and didn’t treat me any different than when I’m in guy-mode… except she did seem just a tad warmer to me somehow.

It felt odd having to identify myself as my man-side while I was en femme. After all, Gabe had the appointment, not Gabrielle. I used my feminine voice in dealing with her. Though it needs work, that is how I talk as Gabrielle.

Getting laughed at
As I dealt with the receptionist, another woman entered the office and stood in line behind me. When I turned to take a seat in the waiting room, her obvious smile was easily visible. With her hand over her mouth, she laughed quietly as she turned her attention from me to the receptionist. Being in a psychiatry office didn’t help much. I believe I understand her laughter. It probably wasn’t because she thought I looked terrible or funny (like a clown), but rather because she read me as a man dressed and made up like a woman. Being in a psychiatry office, her mind likely connected the “crazy” dots and formulated that I was a person with some serious identity (and gender) confusion issues, hence why I was there. Us “crazy” folk need proper looking after. ;)

Being laughed at is something I’m slowly getting used to. I’ve known since my first brief interaction with a fast food drive-thru attendant months ago, that this is how people usually react to people like me around here. I don’t like it, but so long as there is no accompanying ridicule or threat, it doesn’t bother me too much.

Over here, doc
When my therapist looked out into the waiting room to call in “Gabe”, it took him a moment to realize that I was Gabrielle. With only two people in the waiting room, the other being a genetic woman (not the one who laughed), it wasn’t too hard to figure out. As we entered his office, he mentioned that I dressed very nicely as Gabrielle. The compliment was much appreciated. Dressing casual en femme is not my thing, although it might be considered more “normal” to do so when venturing out into public (at least for day-to-day activities).

A very Gabi session
Having showed up en femme, this session concentrated entirely on this aspect of my life. We discussed a variety of things including: attending my high school class reunion en femme, my marriage, getting laughed at, time required for full transformation, and my behavioral differences.

As expected, he noticed the obvious personality differences from Gabe to Gabrielle, sighting that I even “talked differently” (using my femme-voice). We had previously discussed exactly where I fall (categorically) in the vast expanse of the transgender spectrum, but this was the first time he was able to see Gabrielle in action. As my wife has, he also commented that Gabrielle smiles a lot more than Gabe.

At the end of the session, my therapist asked if I wanted to exit via his private side-door, so that I would not have to go out back through the office and lobby of the building. I told him that I’d prefer to go out the same way I came in. I didn’t mind passing by people along the way… although walking in that pencil skirt wearing heels was still rather tricky.

A successful public outing as Gabrielle
It wasn’t much, but going to my therapist as Gabrielle was gratifying and gave me the opportunity to examine how I feel, move, and behave when interacting with others as such. It may seem odd to some – that I have to pay such close attention to my own behavior as Gabrielle, but that’s how I learn what’s working and what needs improving upon. As Gabrielle, I am not simply Gabe in drag, but rather existing in and exploring my feminine side. Because most of my life was spent trying to suppress it, it’s going to take some time to get worked out.

Not ready to call it a day
After arriving home and talking to my wife about my day thus far, I felt an overwhelming urge to get back out of the house. Where to go and what to do? My wife suggested that I head to a nearby mall – the same one that I’ve driven to a few times before (en femme), but never left the car out of the fear of being harmed. There are a number of closed-minded, tough-guy macho-types in my town and they don’t take kindly to people like me. It was early afternoon though. These guys should still be at work or in school. It should be relatively safe.

Deciding to head back out and visit a local mall, my day out in public as Gabrielle was not over, but this write-up is. Thanks for joining me for a while. I’ll fill you in on my first stroll through a mall en femme next time. It was a rather sobering experience…

Related content: crossdressing in public

A quick recap
Longing to get out in public and interact with people as Gabrielle, I attended my high class school reunion en femme. The photo to the right was taken just before leaving the house that evening. I was terribly nervous and it took me a while to find my stride, but eventually I hooked up with some old friends and wound up having a great time. I also found myself very much out of the closet to many more people than I was comfortable with.

In the days following the reunion, the realization of being “out” to so many people wreaked havoc on my emotional stability as I pondered all the terrible things that may come as a result. After some time, I realized that I was over-reacting and simply experienced some instability as a result of taking such big first steps out like that.

The experience changed me. Many fears were conquered that evening. The insecurities that followed have been properly dealt with and bother me no more. I’ve made some wonderful advances in my growth and evolution as a person. There were also some considerable failures on my part that evening – signs of how far I have yet to go.

Personal accomplishments
There were several points of progress made in attending my class reunion as Gabrielle. Some of them may seem insignificant, especially to those who has been boldly stepping out in public en femme with great success for some time now. For those of you who are still relatively new to getting out in public, or have yet to do so, these are the points that seem most relevant in my mind:

• Stepped out of the car. One small step for a t-girl in high-heeled boots, but one giant leap on the courage front. It was the first time I stepped outside the safety of my car in a populated location.
• Interaction with people en femme. Not only did I walk among people in a populated area, I interacted with several people as Gabrielle.
• Outed myself. I didn’t intentionally out myself, but out I am, and to literally dozens of people who’ve only ever known me as my man-side, Gabe.
• Relaxed and had a good time en femme. What good is being out in the world without also enjoying oneself? Nervous as I was, eventually I did loosen up and just enjoy my time among old friends. My appearance was (to my friends) a complete non-issue.
• Braved the laughter. I was aware of the many people gawking at me like I was some kind of freak show. Also very noticeable were the ones pointing and laughing, even calling out to me at times. They laughed at me and I didn’t care. I still had a great time. Oddly, this is something I was unable to do back in high school as I was often made fun of and laughed at for just not fitting in. It used to hurt terribly. On this night however, their laughter had no negative power over me at all.

Personal failures
Even though I made some important advances in my evolution, there were some dismal failures as well. My insecurities got the best of me on a few fronts and manifested themselves in some rather embarrassing ways.

• Secret identity. I showed up at my class reunion expecting to keep my male identity secret and refused repeatedly to tell people who asked (with good intention) who they used to know me as. Refusing to offer my male identity is fine in meeting new people, but at a class reunion? I really should have thought this through better and been more reasonable. Most of the people who asked were clearly well-intentioned in their inquiry. Unrealistic expectations and poor behavior on my part.
• Little miss bashful. Every time someone asked my male-identity, my response included very juvenile and overly shy behavior and mannerisms. I literally tried to “cute” my way out of the question… and probably looked like a damn fool each time. Way to leave ‘em with a good impression, Gabrielle. Aside from the fact that this information should not have been kept secret at a class reunion, I simply should have explained that I didn’t want to reveal that information and behaved like an adult.
• The need to explain myself. Over and over, I felt an overwhelming need to explain to people that I’m not confused about who I am, my wife knows about my feminine side, and that I do not present myself like this full-time. Almost every person I interacted with that evening looked at me wide-eyed, surprised, uncertain as how to interact with me, and very obviously tried to behave as if “everything was ok” (a polite gesture that was very much appreciated). In turn, I felt it necessary to explain myself. If they think I’m confused about myself or believe that (I think) I look 100% female in appearance, I should explain that I’m not confused and fully aware of my inability to pass. If they think I’m a mental case or wonder if “my wife knows”, I should explain that I’m happily married, my wife accepts me as I am, and life is good. It’s hard to really convey exactly how many people looked at me, unless you’ve experienced it yourself. Rather than keep trying to explain myself, I should have simply been myself, conversed with them, and displayed by example that I’m very down-to-earth, normal, and put them at ease with pleasant conversation.
• Way too girly. Even after loosening up among friends, my behavior and mannerisms were a bit exaggerated and overly girly, or so that is how it sits in my memory. Although existing as Gabrielle feels very natural to me, I have yet to work out my public mannerisms and behavioral display. The opportunity to develop it naturally over the years did not exist in my life. I was forced to (or felt extreme pressure to) “man-up” in order to fit into society.

I’m fairly pleased with the progress made for my adventure. Even my failures offer me a pretty clear map of where I need improvement. Part of the funk I fell into immediately following my reunion was the fact that I might have made a much better impression on my class (as a whole) had I shown up as Gabe, wearing a nice suit, with my wife by my side. I was not popular in school, often regarded as a freak and social misfit and made fun of as such. It would have sat better with me to show my old class how far I’ve come since those dark years in my life. Instead, many of them saw me as a freak and social misfit… once again filled with insecurities and visibly awkward in my behavior (not quite ready to be out in public as Gabrielle).

I’m ok with it now though. Perhaps the legacy of Gabe will remain that of a weird-o freak in the minds of many in my class. I do not regret showing up as I did but rather wish I was better prepared in doing so.

Interesting and unexpected reactions
This being my first time interacting with people (in person) as Gabrielle, I was a little surprised by some of the reactions people displayed when seeing me. I fully expected to be read and laughed at. I even worried about the potential for harm. Some of the reactions I got from people are still under analysis in my mind.

Several people refused to make eye contact with me, or would very quickly look away if our eyes met. I think in some cases, they were genuinely attempting to be polite and not “stare”, or be perceived as staring at me because I’m “different”. In other cases, it felt more like they simply wanted nothing to do with me, as in breaking eye-contact sends out the message of “do not talk to me”.

The most confusing reaction was that of the invisible bubble around me that seemed to keep people from getting too close. There was an obvious hesitancy for some people to step into the space surrounding me. For instance, if there were 8 people chatting with each other before I entered the space, 4 of them drifted off and remained at a distance while I was present, waiting and watching from the side-lines. It almost seemed as if they were afraid of me, like I had the plague and they didn’t want to risk catching it – a reaction I was not expecting. In reflection, I think they just didn’t know what to make of me, and my presence made them uncomfortable, so they remained at a “safe distance”.

Many of the people I spoke with in brief had the look of horror on their faces, as if there were an ax sticking out the top of my head and blood dripping down. Their eyes remained very wide open as they politely spoke with me, attempting to behave as if everything was “normal”. One man shook my hand repeatedly during a brief conversation, as if to let me know he was ok with me being as I was. In school we were acquaintances, but not really close. Unlike others who looked away as our eyes met, he chose to approach me when we made eye contact. He was obviously uncomfortable in my presence, but made an honest effort to appear welcoming to me, which was appreciated, if awkward.

Were there others?
A thought that is often on my mind when I’m out in guy-mode is how many other undercover part-time t-girls are there among me? At the reunion, I was the only genetic male en femme, but statically, there should have been at least one or two more (closet) crossdressers. Did any of them say hi to me? Did they regret not showing up en femme? Are they still too heavily closeted to even consider such a move? That will remain a mystery.

Life outside the closet
Immediately following my class reunion, I felt terribly exposed and feared negative fall-out as a result of now being “out”. As of yet, nothing bad has come of it – at least not that I’m aware of. I’m honestly very comfortable now in terms of people knowing me as I truly am. Those who were cool to me, and those who laughed – it’s all good.

My somewhat neglected (man-side) facebook account started receiving friend requests from people I encountered that evening. There were some pleasant, though fairly brief message exchanges as a result. I added a photo of Gabrielle (the same one seen up top minus the text) to my facebook photos, labeled only as “a dear friend of my wife”. Consider it a small step forward in coming out to others.

A woman I was friends with in high school actually saw me at the reunion (though we did not meet up there), but didn’t realize it was me until finding the (Gabrielle) photo in my facebook pictures. Her friend request came as a result of discovery through mutual friend and not because of the reunion itself. She let me know she was cool with it, even if it was just a prank I pulled. I could have easily told her “Yep – it was just a joke”, but chose to fill her in on the reality. She explained that she didn’t understand it, but has always liked me and that hasn’t changed regardless of my gender expression. If only more people in this world were as accepting. We also enjoyed a brief exchange that died off in a few days, more so because of busy lives and not because of my femme-side.

I may be “out” as a transgender but the link between Gabe and Gabrielle remains a secret, at least for now. In part 1, I explained that a different femme-name was used (instead of Gabrielle).

How does my wife feel about this?
Mrs. H. is not yet comfortable with my being “out” to my high school classmates. She fears that someone may use this information to somehow cause me trouble. Her concern is understandable.

She also feels let down. For years, she had expressed an interest in attending my reunion with me (as Gabe, not Gabrielle). Aware of my very troubled times in high school, she wanted to be by my side as I showed people the confident, mature, strong and handsome man I had become… one with a rather attractive wife. When I found out about the reunion, only a few weeks prior, my interest level was very low, so I didn’t mention it to her. It was only at the last minute that I decided to attend (as Gabrielle) and filled my wife in as to my intention. My only real regret of the evening was in not allowing my wife an opportunity that oddly meant more to her than it did to me – a selfish move that I didn’t fully comprehend the scope of until talking with her after the fact. I could have shown up as Gabe, my lovely wife by my side, and made a very good impression on my old classmates as such.

Come so far, yet so much farther to grow
In venturing out as Gabrielle to my class reunion, I made great strides in my personal growth. I also discovered how much I have yet to learn. It is so very different being Gabrielle online than live and in-person, among people. Understanding the psychology of being who and what I am is one thing. Finding my footing in out in the world as Gabrielle is something that I have much to learn about.

What’s next?
I’ve ventured out as Gabrielle a couple more times since my reunion. There have been additional successes, failures, and an unsettling cold dose of reality in the form of intolerance and hate. Next up will probably be my first foray into vlogging as Gabrielle.

Related content: Class Reunion En Femme and Unprepared

For the past six months, I’ve been unwisely burning the candle at both ends, spreading myself dangerously thin, and have little to show for all of the blood, sweat, and tears poured into my efforts. For me, this website isn’t a hobby, but rather an important platform in which to educate, entertain, communicate, and bring about positive change.

Between long hours at my day job, commute times, a strict daily exercise regimen, household chores and other responsibilities, there is little time left for much else. In order to maintain a frequent publishing schedule of quality content, I’ve been putting my personal life aside: neglecting responsibilities, sacrificing personal happiness, testing the strength of my marriage, and literally loosing sleep to keep up with it.

Unfortunately things haven’t panned out. My approach is flawed, and energy reserves dangerously low. I need to take a break, regroup and reevaluate.

This is not goodbye
Let me make it clear that I am not going away. The future of this website is somewhat uncertain, but it will not disappear, nor will I. If I am to invest so much of myself however, it needs to count for something. My passionate efforts to keep quality content continuously rolling out has been as about effective in accomplishing my goals as expending hundreds of gallons of gasoline just to move the car forward a few inches. I’m spinning my wheels and need to change tactics.

Making a positive difference
It should be evident in my writing that I’m trying to make a positive difference and change the game. My work is intended to (1) clear up confusion and ease suffering for crossdressers/transgendered people who struggle with this aspect of their lives (2) educate the (non-transgendered) public about the realities of the transgender spectrum and human condition (3) make it possible for crossdressers/transgendered people to be out in public, as we are, free of negative prejudice, ridicule, harassment, and harm.

Destroy the social stigma and the cause of associated confusion, pain and suffering in crossdressers/transgendered people will be eradicated. On the whole, it really is that simple. Making it a reality is anything but simple, but worthy of fighting for.

Reality check
I understand that I can’t change the world and force enlightenment on a society that is more comfortable clinging to the past. Even so, I can make a difference and choose to do just that.

A meaningful and rewarding career
In order to devote proper time and resources into making a real difference, I need to do this full time. The only way that would be possible is if I no longer required the income of my day job, or somehow was able to turn this into my day job. For all of my hard labor thus far, I am no closer to making much of a difference, nor transforming my work into a meaningful and rewarding career in which my time and energy invested also allowed me to put food on the table. As stated, I’ve been going about it the wrong way.

Does it really matter?
I’m not sure why I’m explaining any of these things or if it really matters to people. More was deleted from this post than left in. Does anyone really care about what goes on behind the scenes and how much hard work really goes into this? It may seem overly dramatic – just how serious I am and my insistent devotion to making positive changes in the world. To some, perhaps it is even laughable that I care so deeply and willingly choose to put so much time and effort into what I do.

Much to think about
I’m going to relax for a while and just enjoy life a little. It is something I have not allowed myself to do for the last six months. In my time off, I’ll try to figure out where to go from here and how to make the most effective difference for the hard work invested. Ideas are constantly evolving and being processed in my mind. The ways in which one can effectively make a positive difference in the world are numerous. There are also some personal goals I haven’t had time to work on while keeping up with things here. I’d like to make some progress on that front as well.

Don’t forget me while I’m gone
I’m not really going anywhere – just taking time off from creating new content while I sort some things out. Comments will still be monitored and published. Communication with visitors and friends will not stop.

I’d love to hear from you
If you’ve enjoyed my offerings, and/or found something meaningful here, please leave a comment and let me know. I appreciate very much those of you who have taken the time to leave comments before and hope you’ll continue to do so.

Many visitors remain silent. I understand if you’re shy or maybe don’t have much to say, but please take a moment or two to share. If you’d rather communicate your thoughts privately than in a public comment, you can do so in this contact form. Please let me know why you visit, what you like, what you don’t, and what you’d like to see in the future. Write as much or as little as you want. Tell me what’s on your mind. Your words will help shape the future of this website, as will your silence.