Three years ago, I hooked up with my (yes, this is a cliche) High School SWEETHEART. We’re both in our late 40′s… divorced… kids… yawn yawn blah blah. He came out to me about 9 months after we re-initiated our relationship. He’s a cross dresser. Her name is Kelly. I am all for it. No problem. Be what makes you happy. Life is short. But it doesn’t always make him/her happy. He thinks he’s a freak. His ex never knew this about him. He’s known his whole life. What can I do to convince him that all is good… I love “them” the way they are. It’s now been 3 years. I moved from California to Michigan during an American financial crisis for “f” sake. I love him. Have since I was 14. I come from the land of fruits and nuts. I refuse to judge anyone… EVER!! Living in this closed minded world I have found Michigan to be is not an easy transition, so I understand his trepidation. HELP!! The people here have stunted his mental growth! He fights with me. When he’s Kelly… all is good until something (ie the door bell rings) sets him off. He becomes paranoid and rips away Kelly faster than you can sneeze. Then proceeds to be depressed for days! I have his back! He’s not alone anymore. What more can I do??

Lori

I understand you’re “crossdressing honey’s” troubles all too well. The debilitating insecurity and overwhelming fear of being “discovered” is something I struggled with for most of my life. I, too, once felt like a “freak” for being a crossdresser – but not anymore.

The feeling of being wrong in who I am, and intense fear of being discovered, was rooted in the very false premise that it is “wrong” to be that which is not widely understood or accepted by society on the whole. For the most part, we all grow up “learning” (the fallacy) that it is some kind of mental illness or perversion for a man to exhibit feminine traits. It lead to a strong sense of insecurity and self-hatred tied to this aspect of my life.

It took many years, but I finally came to my senses and realized that the real problem was not in me, but rather with how mainstream society views and treats differences in people. The root of my own misconceptions about myself (and that which makes life difficult for many people within the wide transgender spectrum) is the social taboo element. Remove the social taboo and terrible stigma associated, and I’m certain that about 99% of all “paranoid” crossdressers would suddenly become very NOT paranoid and begin experiencing a much more relaxed and gratifying experience in life.

I must express my respect and admiration for your take on things. Whether or not you fully understand how crossdressing works in Kelly, it is clear that you love her (and him) for being the good person she is – without judging or looking negatively upon personal traits that are not in line with what many consider to be “normal” (note the quotes). If only more people were willing to accept and respect people for who they are, the world would be a MUCH happier place. But you know the deal – misery just loves company!

Find the underlying cause
Question Kelly’s feeling of being a “freak”. Does she truly think of herself as a freak? Does she wish she was not a “freak”? If there was a magic pill that could remove the trans aspect from her array of personal traits forever, would she take it? Even if this has been discussed in depth already, get into it with her again. Be sure to ask these specific questions and take the time to explore all of associated feelings in depth.

After discussing the feeling of being a “freak”, begin exploring the reasoning behind it. Does Kelly feel like a freak simply for being trans, or is it more a matter of “fear of what others may think” if they found out? In my experience, it usually turns out to be the latter.

One good way to explore this is by discussing an alternate reality in which society has no problems with the vast differences in others. The argument that such a society “will never exist in our lifetime” is not relevant in this context. It is about exploring existence, albeit a fictional one, in a world that does NOT look down upon or treat people poorly for simply being different than the majority. The purpose of the exercise is to reveal the underlying thoughts and emotions associated with being trans without the negative social stigma coming into play.

The feeling of being a “freak” is often tied directly to the fear of what others might think and the potential for being treated poorly as a result. The reality is, Kelly has a beautiful gift. I do not state that in the way people often refer to those with mental retardation as being “special”. The term “special” to describe those with mental retardation is more of a politically correct motivated attempt at lessening the negativity associated with it. Consequently, many people (usually younger, immature) often use the word “special” to make fun of others, equating it with the general undesirability associated with “mental retardation”. I assure you that my use of the word “gift” to describe Kelly’s feminine side is offered in the truest and most sincere sense of the word.

Another gift mistaken for a curse
In my early grade-school years, my classmates picked up on the fact that I was more advanced (in terms of jumping ahead of lessons) than many of them. For this, I was often picked on, made fun of, and even pushed around (literally) for being “smarter” and favored by teachers. In my naive younger years, I really disliked being advanced for my age and being placed in the “smart kids” classes. I disliked it because of the negative social stigma attached by my peers. My level of advanced intelligence was, at no point, ever really a negative personal trait. Yet I was ridiculed for it and and had a difficult time dealing with all the negative attention from others. I hated being, you guessed it – DIFFERENT.

Popular misconception does not dictate true reality
It’s no secret that we live in a society that openly ridicules and punishes (in various ways) men for having the gift of femininity or not being “man enough”. Although it is true that a small minority of crossdressers do put forth a negative image and openly behave poorly (which is sadly what mainstream society often locks onto and remembers), the same also goes for any group of people. It was not long ago that black people were almost always presented in a negative light by the media and white society in general. The smaller minority of blacks who behaved poorly and committed crime took prescience in people’s minds over the vast majority of black people who lived as good-natured, law-abiding citizens. Why is that? Because in the 1950′s, much of mainstream (white) society wrongfully regarded the African race as inferior beings with little more to offer than poor behavior and menacing qualities. Did the fact that mainstream (white) society once truly believed, wholeheartedly, this unfair assessment ever make it true?

Thinking about things correctly
You’ve “got Kelly’s back” and that is so very important. You probably feel quite frustrated and helpless at times as Kelly’s personal insecurities do a terrible number on her ability to be happy and diminishes quality of life for the both of you.

The good news is that this can indeed be overcome, or at the very least, be managed better in time. The key that changes how Kelly feels, lies within Kelly herself. It is up to her, to make the necessary changes in how she thinks about this aspect of her being. All you can really do is work with her, much like you’ve been doing, and remain focused on (Kelly’s) thinking correctly.

Personal growth
In the past, my own insecurities related to being trans were so overwhelming and difficult to deal with – it almost destroyed me, quite literally. I went to great lengths to hide this from everyone I knew, including the therapist I saw for many years and even my own wife… until just a few years ago. The difficult process of correcting how I thought about things and unprogramming all of the lies that society filled my head with over the years was a journey I took alone. If I can do it all by myself, I am certain that you and Kelly can successfully work through things together. With persistence and continued (and frequent) attention spent on exploring the realities of being trans and acknowledging that the only real problem is in how mainstream society (incorrectly) views it, knowledge and reality will prevail over insecurity and idiotic social taboos.

Moving forward
I don’t have all the answers, Lori. Truth be told, no one does – no matter level of education or time spent studying any aspect of human psychology. We are a long ways away from fully understanding the complexities of human nature and emotions. We are each more than capable of making life changes and evolving though.

When you have a good block of time that can be devoted to quality discussion, please direct Kelly’s attention here. Sit with her and read through this together. If you have time before hand, perhaps browse through this site for a while and pick out some writing that seems most relevant to the troubles Kelly faces. I would suggest the Crossdressing Myths series as a starting point.

After quality time spent reading and discussing, ask Kelly if she thinks that I, too, am a “freak”. I am every bit the “freak” she is… or more accurately, like myself, SHE is every bit NOT a freak. I’d like to address directly now.

Dear Kelly
Life is short, Kelly. Do not waste it with the lies and misconceptions that your head has been filled with. Do not waste another minute being upset and depressed because of small-minded fallacies and the naive people who perpetuate such terrible ideas about crossdressers. We all must take a certain level of precaution to ensure our safety. Even though it should not be so, there are sometimes greater dangers abroad to those of us who are different. This is nothing new. Every once-oppressed group of people have had to overcome these obstacles in life. Live smart and take precautions, but try to ease up a little on the paranoia. I was once a total wreck. If I can come this far, then so can you.

It ain’t the end of the world
If you end up being discovered (or eventually decide to come out), it’s definitely not the end of the world. When I came out to much of my high school class at last year’s class reunion, the sun still rose the next morning – birds were chirping, flowers blooming, bills needed paying, and life went on after my little “secret” was well out of the bag. Life continues to go on with dozens (hundreds?) of people knowing exactly who I am – and many of them laughing to each other about it. Good for them, though. They’re the fools, not I. They pretty much dictated how I lived my life in the past because I let them. They have no bearing on my life today, and I wish them well.

A tough, but rewarding journey
There really is no such thing as reaching that “final destination” in terms of personal growth. So long as we live, we also experience, learn, grow, evolve, and (hopefully) make improvements in our lives along the way. We will always face hurdles that need to be overcome, but that is not unique to transgender folk. Everyone has their troubles. Everyone deals with insecurities. Everyone gets depressed. Everyone CAN make changes in their lives. So long as you have a pulse, you’re still in the game. You can choose to make life a more gratifying experience… or you can live in fear, allowing others dictate how you can/should live your life. That’s really up to you and I’ll not sugar-coat it.

Live your life according to who you are, and you just might achieve a real peace and happiness before your days are through. Live your life as others would “allow”, and you will forever exist in misery – much like those who would give you a hard time for being the person you are.

Do not loose sight of the fact that the pain you experience also causes pain in those who love and care for you. Lori obviously loves you very deeply. How deep does your love for her run? Don’t tell me about it – SHOW her. It all starts with a shift in thinking. That shift in thinking begins now.

Good luck
I wish you both all the best. Difficulties and struggles lie ahead, but the rewards for conquering them will be well worth the trouble. I promise you that.

Please offer your thoughts and experiences
I know many of you reading this can identify with the troubles Kelly is dealing with. What helped you work through your own insecurities? Is there any advice you can offer? Please take a few minutes to offer your thoughts to Kelly and Lori.

 
Related content:

• Dear Gabi Advice Column
• Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page
• Until Society Has Their Way With Them
• Crossdressing Myths & Misconceptions

How best to handle it with my wife is my biggest concern. In the past I had felt that crossdressing was wrong and therefore had purged my collection several times. Now for me personally, I am comfortable with it. I had been trying to decide how to talk with my wife about it when she discovered.

Since then she has expressed the viewpoint/belief that (A) per the Bible and society crossdressing is bad and wrong. Absolutely no wavering on this so far. (B) She also believes that it is something that if you try hard enough you can stop doing it.. She has also stated from watching Jerry Springer show that all crossdressers will become gay at first and then that leads to all getting a sex change operation. For the most part she presents to me as these being absolutes.

She has also remarked that now all she can think of me as is Georgette whether it is just kissing or anything else. She also feels that if she would of given me sex more often then I would not want to cross dress. I have/had a web blog where I was journaling/logging my experiences. She wants me to get rid of that to. Currently I am doing that.

In addition to all this, I feel like she wants me to make all these changes and stop dressing and because she says it is wrong.

Yet at the same she does not what to consider or accept any offers for compromise.

Thank you,

Georgette

 

I am sorry to have misinterpreted your request for advice in the previous letter. An unaccepting wife, unwilling to compromise, is a tough pill to swallow. It will be a long-term investment, but there are options to consider in working things out.

The arguments your wife makes against crossdressing are almost text-book for many in this situation. Some wives have also thrown in a rather unpleasant ultimatum: either stop crossdressing or the marriage is over (sometimes accompanied by a threat of public humiliation and/or financial ruin). I’ve read countless accounts very similar to yours. Some of them have ended badly and others have managed to work things out. In some cases, the marriage has even grown stronger as the wife learns more about the realities of crossdressing (vs. the misconceptions) and gets the chance to fully know her husband.

Basic psychology behind this reaction to crossdressing
The way in which a wife reacts to the realization that her husband is a crossdresser varies greatly. Some women feel very threatened by the prospect of their husband exhibiting a feminine side. The less that is known about crossdressing realities, the greater potential threat perceived. Many women simply prefer a man to be all-masculine, all the time.

Based on the information in your letter, your wife probably falls into the category of women who want their man to be all-masculine, all the time. It’s a matter of personal preference, and everyone is entitled to their own. Her reaction to your crossdressing is an expression of fear over “loosing the man she fell in love with” and what others might think if they found out. The idea of you being feminine may also be damaging to your sex appeal in her eyes.

Before we get into the specifics of your wife’s arguments; very common misconceptions and concerns that are brought up by many unaccepting wives, it is important to keep in mind that she is probably filled with fears and uncertainty over this issue. Even if she may not be doing the same for you right now, try to be patient and understanding as she works through her own set of complicated emotions.

Addressing her concerns

Crossdressing and society
Today’s society is, on the whole, pretty uncomfortable with the idea of crossdressing, and consequently, not very accepting of it. Even so, simply being uncomfortable with something does not make it “wrong” or “bad”. Society has been uncomfortable with all kinds of things in past years – things that are perfectly acceptable and regarded as normal today. Several times, I’ve brought up how mainstream society in the 1950′s (made up of mostly whites) was not very accepting of blacks. It was just “common knowledge” that blacks were inferior to whites, lacked intelligence, and often regarded as a menace to society. As ridiculous as that sounds today, mainstream society was very comfortable with that notion decades ago. Did the fact that this was a widely accepted popular belief ever make it true?

What the Bible says about crossdressing
One of many misconceptions about crossdressing is that the Bible says it is sinful and wrong. This is not true, but there is a passage in the Bible that may be interpreted as such, depending on the translation.

It states in Deuteronomy 22:5, “A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your God.” (quoted from the “English Standard Version” translation, see link) Taken in a literal sense, it seems pretty damning to crossdressing men… and all women. The intended meaning behind the words is debatable, and there is much debate about it. Perhaps taking a look at another Bible verse might help put things in perspective:

Leviticus 19:27, “You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard.” 19:28 “You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves.” Apparently barbers, hairdressers, and tattoo studios have been damning us all for quite some time now. Oddly, not many people have a problem with other aspects of one’s appearance that seem to be in conflict with the teachings in the Bible.

Giving up crossdressing is not necessary
I covered this to some extent in Crossdressing Myth #5 (though not specifically in this context). It may be unpopular to the masses, but that does not make it immoral, sinful or wrong. There is no need to give up something based on societal popularity – especially at the cost one’s own personal happiness and contentment in life.

The Jerry Springer Show
There is very little, if any, real educational value to The Jerry Springer Show. The show is not designed to educate, but rather to entertain. Whether or not it is actually entertaining is up to the viewer to decide. It should be known that Jerry Springer himself has gone on record stating: “I would never watch my show. I’m not interested in it. It’s not aimed towards me. This is just a silly show.” (source: BBC News) Using The Jerry Springer Show as a serious source of information for anything is usually a sign of desperacy on behalf of the person citing it as reference.

Crossdressing, sexual orientation, and SRS
This is covered in Crossdressing Myth #1 and Crossdressing Myth #2. In short, straight people do not “turn” gay, nor do gay people turn straight, regardless of crossdressing. Crossdressers generally tend not to be good candidates for sex reassignment surgery, either.

An active sex life does not prevent crossdressing
The most active sex life in the world will not prevent or “cure” crossdressing. Lack of a sex life is not the cause of crossdressing, either. Whether crossdressing is an act of feminine self-expression, a sexual fetish, or somewhere in-between (as it varies from one to the next), it is a personal trait on the genetic level (like being left or right-handed) and not the result of outside stimulus, or lack there of. Outside stimulus will influence one’s crossdressing style/preference, but not the existence there of within an individual.

Working things out

What is at stake
All marriages have their ups and downs. A marriage can fail for any number of reasons. I think it’s safe to say that the vast majority of divorce cases do not involve crossdressing among reasons listed. The main reasons for failed marriages are lack of communication, and irreconcilable differences (such as serious incompatibility issues). If either party ends up sacrificing their own personal happiness in order to maintain “peace” in the marriage, it usually leads to pent up anger and resentment that will manifest itself in various negative ways. It may not necessarily end the marriage, but it certainly does not make for a very happy one. You and your wife will need to come to an agreement that is acceptable to both, and that is feasible over the long-term.

Patience and understanding
You may feel like the one under attack, but it’s important to not loose sight of your wife’s feelings during all of this. Be patient and understanding of your wife’s fears and worries. Try to avoid the topic of crossdressing for a while if it is upsetting to her. Divert her attention to things that bring both of you joy together. The understanding and patience you show to your wife now may be returned from her to you in time.

Bothered by the thought of a feminine husband
Some women have a need for their male romantic interest to be only masculine, period. Whether this preference is at the very root of their personal being or the result of living in a society that teaches teaches and rewards such thinking, they do not want to think about their man in any way other than completely masculine. The same can be said for most men only wanting to see their female love interest in a feminine light, only. To each, his/her own.

After debunking the initial arguments your wife has presented against crossdressing, she may just find new ones to complain about. If her intent is to simply “make it go away, period”, she will continue to discourage your crossdresing in other ways until she succeeds in driving it away… or driving you away in the process.

Assert yourself
You have the right to be yourself. There is nothing wrong with who you are, at least not because of crossdressing. If it bothers her too much to think about you in a feminine light, consider keeping this aspect of your life to yourself.

It is always more rewarding when this can be shared and enjoyed between two people, but its not for everyone and not much can be done about that. There are plenty of happily married couples in which the wife is aware of, but not an active participant in her husband’s crossdressing. Every couple has their separate interests in addition to the common/shared. Not everything need be shared together actively – especially the things that are undesirable to the other. For instance, many women do not share in their husband’s love of sports and do not take part in the frequent gatherings centered around them. Being a hard core sports enthusiast is a different animal than crossdressing, but the relevant point is an example of an activity that is often not shared between husband and wife.

Sorting out and sharing thoughts publicly
If keeping an online journal is helpful and/or therapeutic to you, then you shouldn’t give it up. Your wife might be concerned about your identity being discovered as a result of your journal. Take proper measures to minimize that possibility if that is the case. Involve her in the process of ensuring anonymity so that she feels more comfortable with it.

Her main issue might not be the prospect of you being discovered, but rather that she simply does not want you exploring this aspect of your life, period. Try to identify the root of her concerns and work on them accordingly.

Compromise, communication, and feelings
Reaching a compromise that you can both be happy with in the long run is what needs to be focused on. Keep in mind that your wife is going to be working though her own fears and insecurities during this process and may not be ready for productive conversation in light of that. When there is too much disagreement and argument in a discussion, then it is time to defer for another time. Nothing positive will result from a shouting match.

Marriage/couples counseling
Consider seeking professional help from a trained, licensed marriage counselor. Working on things together under the supervision of a trained professional has helped many couples better understand each other and improve the quality of their marriage. Be sure to do your homework before deciding on a therapist. Just because someone has a title and license does not mean they’re any good at what they do. Make sure that your therapist has experience in transgender issues, and look into their track record.

Good luck
There is no magic solution to this dilemma. I hope that the two of you can work things out together and come to an understanding that is acceptable to both. At the very least, I hope that the two of you can the find happiness that you each deserve, even if it is not with each other.

Offer your input to help a struggling marriage
I would ask those of you who have been where Georgette is now to please offer your input. If you were able to work things out, what seemed to help the most? Even if things didn’t work out, can you share any insight or important lessons learned? Perhaps you’re the wife of a crossdresser who has experienced similar concerns. What advice can you offer Georgette (or anyone in her situation) that you wish someone could have offered you?

 
Related content:

• Dear Gabi Advice Column
• Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page
• How to Tell Your Wife You’re a Crossdresser
• Crossdressing Myths & Misconceptions

The purpose of our meeting was to discuss some business venture ideas, but most of the time was spent chatting about personal interests. Being the first time we met up since I came out to him, there was a good deal of curiosity about this aspect of my life, which I was more than happy to discuss.

During our conversation, he made an interesting comment to me. He’s known a total of three crossdressers and pointed out, “…but you’re the only normal one.” He shared with me that the other crossdressers both exhibited negative, degrading feminine behavior in girl-mode – the kind of behavior that most women would (and trans folk should) find insulting. I certainly did.

The way he described their behavior was basically a poorly done, exaggerated impression of a woman acted out by someone who does not think very highly of the female gender. Imagine a silly, no-class comedic high-pitched female vocal impression repeatedly explaining how dumb she is because she’s just a dumb little girl and as such, not very bright. Imagine this kind of behavior playing out during a gathering – a constant display of exaggerated female behavior in the form of a dumb little girl. If I were to find myself in the company of such a person, I would probably share a few choice words with them and remove myself from their company.

Sometimes it’s very clear why often we get such a bad rap. Many people get the wrong impression of us on the whole because of contact with some very troubled people who also happen to be transgendered and/or hearing stories about such people from friends.

Every “group” has its bad examples. I’m all for people being themselves and living their life to the fullest in whatever makes them happy (barring that which is harmful to others). At the same time, I do not agree with such a poor display just because it comes from another crossdresser. If anything, I’m that much more insulted by it. An idiot is still an idiot regardless of gender expression.

I’m glad my friend finally got to meet a positive example of a crossdresser. Even more powerful is the fact that we’ve known each other for many years and he now associates my many positive attributes with my femme-side as well. Should the topic of crossdressing be brought up in future conversations between him and others, he will probably talk about the multi-talented, down to earth, “normal” one: me. I hope he remembers to bring up the fact that us “normal” ones are also plentiful, as I explained to him. Somehow the poor examples always seem to stand out more, but that is true in all facets of human nature and not limited to the transgender spectrum. Perhaps in time, more people will understand that.

As usual, I use the word “normal” with quotes around it because there really is no such thing as normal. There is only that which popular opinion perceives and acknowledges as common (and usually desirable) traits.

If you found yourself in the company of an idiot or jerk who also happened to be a crossdresser, what would you do? Would you put up with their poor behavior simply because they have but a single thing in common with you? Would you explain to them that perhaps they might benefit from behavior modifications?

Please take a moment to share your thoughts.

Halloween is often regarded as the “crossdresser’s holiday”. On this single day of the year, it is generally socially acceptable to venture out into public en femme without being ridiculed, harassed, or facing harm (from haters). Because a man dressing up as a woman is regarded as a simple “costume” rather than a social deviation, the rules are changed, if only for a short time.

In years past, I remember some of my male friends dressing up as women on Halloween. Their costumes consisted of ridiculous looking dresses, mismatched jewelry, a bad wig, over sized breasts, and absurd makeup (applied almost clown-like). I observed similar displays at various costume parties. In addition, the men behaved very much like men with only occasional feminine behaviors displayed, and usually highly exaggerated for comical purposes.

I am not a costume
Although many of my crossdressing sisters will be going to Halloween related events as their fem-selves, I will not be. The idea of “Gabrielle” being some kind of costume or sight gag is insulting. Wearing a women’s costume however, would be a very different story. A women’s Star Trek dress uniform was on my mind for Halloween this year. The uniform itself and presentation as a Starfleet officer would be the costume. Being en femme (Gabrielle) would not be a part of the costume, but rather my gender expression, or simply put – me, as in the one wearing the costume.

Poor planning
So why do you see a photo of Vamriress Gabrielle rather than Yeoman Gabrielle? The costume shown to the right here is only available online (or I could only find it online). Is I’ve said before, nothing I order online ever seems to fit. I’m rather tall (for a woman) and it would probably end up fitting more like a shirt, than a dress. Most Halloween costumes are not returnable, or involve penalty restocking fees. Because no specific measurements are offered for such an item (just small, medium, etc.), I didn’t bother. Mrs. H. and I checked out a couple of local costume stores, but they didn’t have anything comparable. Had I started my search sooner and put a little more effort into it, things may have turned out better. As friends suggested, I might have made my own… or have Mrs. H. make one for me (I can’t sew). It was poor planning on my part. As usual, time elapsed rather quickly and somehow summer morphed into October while my mind was preoccupied with other things. Perhaps next year. Truth be told, if I happened across a women’s Star Trek uniform (that fit right), I’d buy it any time. I’m a big Star Trek nerd and would love to have one just to geek out en femme, not to mention all the fun that could be had with Trek-style photos and imagery.

I’ll be en femme, but not because of Halloween
Saturday, I will be done up as Gabrielle… but only at home. Simply put, the opportunity to spend some time as Gabrielle will be present. After a long, busy week stuck in guy-mode, Gabrielle needs some time to relax and unwind. It has nothing to do with Halloween. As stated, I am not a costume and will not present myself as such. My wife suggested I “be Gabrielle” for Halloween (as in “Gabrielle” would be the costume), but I explained to her why I would only be Gabrielle for Halloween if Gabrielle had a costume to wear… which this year, she does not. The vamp-photo is just a manipulated image – I won’t appear like that on Halloween… only in the haunted digital world of the computer. Nothing worse than a byte from a digital vampiress. lol Sorry, geek humor.

Why pass up a rare opportunity to move about freely en femme?
I’ve explained why it’s not for me. Best wishes to my trans-sisters who will venture out en femme (as a costume). If you can enjoy yourself as such, then by all means, go for it. :) I’d rather see (tg) people go out for Halloween in an actual female costume of some kind rather than just en femme (as in just presenting as female in appearance), but to each her own and I respect the personal choices of others.

If I had a women’s costume to wear, I probably still wouldn’t be going out this year. I’m not much of a party-goer these days. The last time I went out to a Halloween themed event was 16 years ago. Back when I used to have more time on my hands, Halloween was a big deal to me and I’d invest much time and money into a convincing costume presentation.

Sexy = bad, but sexy Halloween costumes = good?
Ever notice how most adult women’s Halloween costumes are very sexy? Don’t take my word for it, check out this Google image search on “vampiress costume”. Perhaps a better example is this image search on a “nurse costume”. Some may call it “slutty”, but that’s usually just a sentiment expressed other women out of jealousy. Slutty is a behavior, not a look or appearance. Our sexually repressed society (mainly American) just loves to chastise women who happen to show just a little “too much” skin, or sex appeal in their appearance. Oh God forbid!

De-evolution of self-expression
It is interesting that on Halloween, it’s socially acceptable for women to express themselves in a very sexy appearance, so long as it is just a costume. Some may justify it as just “fantasy play”, which is considered to be ok on Halloween. My question is why is it only ok to be sexy in “fantasy” and not in reality? In the late 80′s and early 90′s it was fairly common for women to express themselves in a variety of sexy styles in public and at work. I loved every minute of it and miss those days immensely.

My personal feminine style is fairly sexy in presentation. Short skirts and dresses are my favorite. I love wearing them, and I’ve got the body to pull off the look. Please do not mistake my words for bragging – I pay my dues with hours of exercise every day. For me, miniskirts and short dresses are the ultimate show of feminine expression. Unfortunately, they’re also considered “too sexy” by much of society… except for on Halloween. That irritates the hell out of me.

Let’s not loose focus
Enough of my indulgence into some matters of a more serious nature that occupy my mind this Halloween. I appreciate your taking the time to read while I explored some interesting issues and would love to hear your thoughts on them. Halloween is supposed to be fun and it’s time to get back to that aspect of it.

A nightmare on my street
In 1993, I attended a costume contest at a sports bar. It was the last time I went out anywhere in costume for Halloween. There were some very cool contestants there, in a variety of creative forms. I received quite a bit of attention from people that dark and spooky evening. I went as the dream demon himself: Freddy Krueger. Rather than wear a simple (and fake looking) mask, I spent weeks meticulously preparing custom made latex facial appliances to simulate the disfigured, burned/melted look of Freddy’s face. It took about 3 hours just to apply it all properly, and was very hot and uncomfortable to wear. The judges thought my costume was not “original” and I won no prizes. Oh well. I collected their souls anyway. heh heh heh :P For those who are curious, I offer a photo (the background has been altered, but the rest is all me). I was a little heavier, my nails were very long and razor sharp and my hair was very, very short (heehee). My man-side as Freddy Krueger. I kid you not, that really is me under all that rubber, paint, and striped sweater. I believe I’ve mentioned before my fascination with slasher and horror movies.

What are your Halloween plans?
I want to know how many of you will be en femme this Halloween and whether or not your feminine Halloween costume is just you en femme, or does it include an actual female costume? I’m sure many of you will be in guy-mode this Halloween as well. What costume will you be wearing, regardless of gender expressed? Will you be going out, or just handing out candy to trick-or-treaters? Tell Vampiress Gabrielle all about it. :)

While browsing a local mall (en femme) and minding my own business, I noticed male employees of a T-Mobile kiosk up ahead staring me down with a rather unpleasant look on their faces. There was what appeared to be a customer being assisted at the time, but their focus was on me. From several meters away, I very clearly heard one of them say “There goes a faggot.” It was spoken louder than the rest of the conversation, indicative of his intent for me to hear it.

I would expect this kind of lowbrow behavior from immature kids and street thugs, but not from on-duty employees and representatives of any business, regardless if their own misguided personal views.

As mentioned in my previous account of browsing the mall en femme, I did not allow their bully tactics to ruin my day. They rattled me and gave me a good scare – good for them. I’m sure they’re very proud of themselves for their juvenile display of aggressive behavior toward a completely harmless person. Nothing has changed though. I’m still me, very happy to be who I am, and a little wiser for the experience.

What did you THINK would happen?
The “what did you think would happen going out dressed like that” question that some people may be pondering a load of bull. I didn’t “bring anything upon myself”. I’ve got every right to be out in public as any other law-abiding citizen. I’ve also got the right to personal self-expression so long as my self-expression is not unlawful. In turn, these guys are allowed their opinions, right or wrong. As on-the-clock representatives of T-Mobile however, derogatory comments and acts of intimidation toward the public reflect on the company as a whole.

I’m a human being
It’s sickening how some “people” (and I use that term loosely) are so comfortable going out of their way to make life difficult for others simply because they disapprove of their differences. I understand that many view people like me as “sub-human”. Well, that’s just too bad. I’m not sub-human, and will not tolerate being treated as such by representatives of any company. No one should just put up with such terrible treatment.

Silence is not an option
Staying silent about something like this would be irresponsible on my part. In my opinion, it’s irresponsible for ANYONE to simply put up with garbage like this. It took time and wasn’t easy, but I wrote a letter detailing the incident to the CEO of T-Mobile, Robert Dotson. I didn’t actually expect the company CEO to look into this matter personally, by the way. Not knowing who exactly to direct this to, I understood that his secretary would probably see to it that it ended up in the right hands.

I encourage you to read the letter. It explains the troubling encounter in detail. The link is to an image file or graphic representation of the letter. Some personal and geographical elements of the letter have been obscured for privacy reasons.

• Letter to Robert Dotson, CEO T-Mobile

Disappointing, but expected response
Eight days after mailing the letter (via postal service), I received an e-mail response. It was short, vague, and seemed intended for diplomacy purposes more than anything.

• T-Mobile’s response from Senior Human Resource Manager Stephen Fox

What can be expected to be done?
In all fairness to Mr. Fox and T-Mobile, matters of this nature are anything but simple. From their perspective, what’s to say that someone didn’t just make something up for whatever reason? Fact is: what I detailed in my letter is what took place, but I think you understand my point. One person’s word against another usually results in a stalemate – in other words, if nothing can be proven, nothing “officially” took place.

Bringing out the truth
I pondered whether or not to offer a suggestion in response to Mr. Fox’s e-mail, but didn’t think it would be taken seriously. Few companies would welcome advice on how to “do their job” from outsiders, and that is understandable. Even so, I felt compelled to offer it anyway.

• Follow-up e-mail response to Stephen Fox, Senior Human Resource Manager, T-Mobile

Since replying to his e-mail with my suggestion, I haven’t heard back from Mr. Fox, nor do I expect to. Most companies will not discuss or share information of this nature outside of authorized personnel for numerous valid reasons.

What now?
There is no way (for me) to check on the status of any investigation or even confirm that one has taken place. For all I know, my initial letter was only taken with minimal seriousness by people who might even share the same sentiments about transgendered people as their local sales representatives. Actions taken, if any, may be nothing more than a superficial show of good intent in effort to minimize any potential backlash.

I’d like to believe that my account has been taken seriously, that the investigation is very real, and regardless of their findings, that something is done to let it be known that publicly disparaging people (regardless of personal feelings) is absolutely unacceptable behavior for company representatives to engage in.

It could have been anyone
The behavior exhibited toward me by the T-Mobile sales employees is not unique. I’m well aware of how ignorant people in this town (and abroad) view people with differences like mine. It sometimes feels like the 1950′s and I’m a black person who just walked into a white neighborhood – given a hard time for no other reason than my personal appearance.

Regardless of what it could have been, it was what it was. Local representatives of T-Mobile made it clear that and displays of intimidation and openly referring to shoppers as “faggot” is acceptable behavior. If nothing is done about this, then they’re right, it is acceptable behavior.

Do you do business with T-Mobile?
I’m not a T-Mobile customer, but I wonder about their numbers. Statically, how much of T-Mobile’s business comes from transgendered people? Additionally, how many T-Mobile customers are gay? Though in the minority, the two groups together represent a significant portion of the human population. That’s a lot of consumer dollars up for grabs.

About the photo
The photo above is of the actual T-Mobile kiosk this took place. I went back the next day (in guy-mode), observed for a while, and took a picture. I do not imply that the employees seen in the photo either are or are not the same as those who behaved poorly toward me the previous day.

Stay silent, and nothing changes
Tired of being disrespected for no other reason aside from being yourself in public? Do you just accept the dangers involved in public shows of self-expression? You’d better speak your mind, friends. The bigots and haters have, and will continue to speak their minds and make life difficult for us if you do nothing.

Why don’t you start by speaking your mind here – share your thoughts in a comment.
 

Related content: crossdressing in public

Thank you
First off, many thanks to those of you who took the time to let me know how much you appreciate my efforts and hard work here. Also, thank you to those who have joined myCDlife via Google Friend Connect (upper-right column) and everyone who subscribes. It means so much to me and I send my love to each of you. :)

Break from writing, not from crossdressing
Based on input received, I think some people may have misunderstood my time off. I was (and will continue to some extent) taking a break from writing for this website. I was never taking a break from my crossdressing – far from it. More time has been devoted to exploration and growth in this aspect of my life.

Personal growth
On the personal front, I’ve been pushing myself and growing as a result. Not only have I gotten out in public as Gabrielle and interacted with others face to face, I’ve also come out of the closet to many people who’ve only known me as Gabe… more than I intended to, in fact. That’s quite an interesting story I’d like to share soon.

Writer’s block
Though much has happened in my life since I announced taking a break, a troublesome foe named “writer’s block” has reared its ugly head. There is no shortage of relevant things to share, but finding the time and writing it up well has been an issue as of late. Psychologically, it’s my mind telling me that I’m not ready and require more time away on that front. I’m pushing myself a little to get this down, but so far, so good.

Damage control
My insistent frequent publishing schedule took quite a toll on my personal life and I’m still picking up the pieces and trying to mend the damage. I won’t get too far into it again as I spelled out some of it in my previous post. You know the deal – my life is a very busy one and there wasn’t (and still isn’t) enough time to do it all. Sacrifices were made, and there are consequences for those choices. One cannot undo six months worth of personal-damage in just a few weeks time.

Relaxed publishing schedule
Because of time constraints and other responsibilities, new posts will probably be slow to come out for the foreseeable future. Content will be published (maybe) once a week or every other week or just whenever. I am not planning on sticking to any kind of publishing schedule for now.

Please spread the word
One of my failures with this website was (and is) the lack of time and resources devoted to promotion. If the content here has been meaningful to you and would like to see more, please share links to this site with your friends, family or anyone you feel may also enjoy and/or benefit from it. If you frequent any online communities and wouldn’t mind adding a link to this site in your signature and/or profile, I’d really appreciate the help.

What’s next?
In the immediate future, expect to see accounts of my personal growth process and hurdles faced along the way. It’s one thing to try and make a positive difference by writing and sharing knowledge online. It’s quite a different thing to get out into the world as Gabrielle and experience life as such. Sadly, this also includes experiencing society’s often poor treatment and even hatred of “social deviants” like me first hand. My brief exploration of the outside/offline world en femme so far has been awkward, empowering… and sometimes terrifying.

Most fresh in my mind is a recent experience in which employees of a popular wireless mobile phone service (who were on the clock) saw fit to openly express their hatred of me while out en femme. Getting laughed at as some kind of “crazy weirdo” is one thing, but experiencing focused hate first hand is a rather unsettling experience… which I’ll explain in more detail soon.

Plenty of (non-crossdressing) people seem to believe that crossdressing is nothing more than a personal choice. They think that for whatever reason, some guys just decide to go against the grain of society and wear women’s clothing and makeup. Maybe they also believe that we enjoy the ridicule and rejection we often face as a result of our “choice”.

Myth: A crossdresser chooses to dress in women’s clothes, doesn’t need to, and can also choose to stop. Fact: Crossdressing is a very necessary outlet for feminine self-expression in some men. It is no more a choice than choosing to be left-handed or right-handed.

It’s difficult to find a good analogy that will properly illustrate the inaccuracy of this crossdressing myth. There are many comparisons that can be made, but few carry enough weight to suitably convey the reality. Because most (non-crossdressing) people are accepted in society as they are, it is nearly impossible to explain the fundamental need for self-expression and the devastating negative emotional and psychological consequences one can suffer when deprived of their ability to do so.

Semantics
There is some truth to this myth, though only in the unintended literal translation. For most people, clothing, style and outward appearance involves a lot of personal choice. In that respect, what people wear is by their own choice. It is, with few exceptions, true across the board, regardless of gender or gender identity. I’m addressing the myth of crossdressing (as in any crossdressing, ever), being a personal choice and not the fact that most do not crossdress 24/7.

Society and self-expression
Everyone has a basic need for self-expression. How a person chooses to present themselves to the world often plays an important role. Some go to great lengths to make themselves appear and feel more attractive, whereas others simply aim to be comfortable rather than do anything extra for appearance sake. Whether dressing to impress or just for comfort, the freedom to do so as one desires is very important, and usually taken for granted. What would happen if that freedom was somehow diminished or taken away all together? I’ll explore that to some extent later in this article.

Legally, we’re free to dress as we choose. Socially, there can be a heavy price to pay for going against widely accepted forms of self-presentation. The social consequences of crossdressing vary heavily from one place to the next. In some places, people actually recognize the fact that we’re fellow human beings, we’re shown respect and even welcomed. In most places, we’re seen as deviant freaks – sub-human creatures not worthy of respect or even the “right” to be out in public.

Taboo personal traits
Generally speaking, crossdressing men have a strong feminine side. Much like artists have a need to express their creativity through art, crossdressers have the need to express their feminine side through crossdressing. Not many people have a problem with artists expressing their creativity in their artwork. Of course, it’s a very different story when a man expresses his feminine side in the form of crossdressing.

Does an artist choose to be creative and create art? Yes, and no. There is often a choice made in when to create art, but with few exceptions, most artists simply need to explore their creative ideas by creating art (in whatever form). A very talented friend of mine has little control over his need to explore artistic ideas. He’ll literally sketch drawings on pretty much anything: school papers, notepads, book covers, napkins, walls, tables, his hand, etc. No one ever questions his need to create art or thinks of him poorly for doing so. He’s gotten in trouble for drawing on papers in school and at work, but that’s an entirely different matter of misplaced attention and has nothing to do with the activity of creating art itself.

Does a left-handed person choose to write with his/her left hand? Again, the answer isn’t a simple yes or no. A left-handed person is born that way, as is an artistic type, and transgender. They can choose (or be forced) not to use or write with their left-hand, but it is unnatural to write with their other. Writing skills suffer when not allowed to write with the hand that was genetically encoded as the favored/predominant one. The point is that their true potential will never be reached if not allowed to develop as nature intended. As ridiculous as it may sound, there was once a social stigma to being left-handed, and it still exists in some places. Do a little research for yourself. There has been plenty written on this subject. Although conceptually similar, the consequences for not allowing a crossdresser to express his feminine side are a significantly more profound than a lefty being forced to be a righty.

By choice or by necessity
In most cases, crossdressers can and do stop crossdressing for short durations in time. Perhaps this is where some people mistake crossdressing as a personal choice, because it is usually not exercised all of the time. For many, the need to be crossdressed and explore feminine self-expression is effectively satisfied in the occasional indulgence, be it every few days, weekly, monthly, etc. Most crossdressers live and carry out their day-to-day lives as men, looking like men. Because of the social stigma and related complications, the opportunity to crossdress isn’t always available, so more often than not, breaks from it become necessary. It’s part of the price we (crossdressers) pay for living in a society that is so very strict in its “all masculine, all the time” imposition upon men.

Social peer pressure
Crossdressing is no more a choice than being left or right-handed. A lefty can be taught to write with his/her right hand, but there’s nothing natural about it and there are consequences. Crossdressers can also be “taught”, or more accurately put, shamed, conditioned, and even brainwashed into not crossdressing. If you’re surrounded by people who repeatedly tell you that you’re an “ass”, you will start to believe it yourself.

Consequences of choice
What exactly are the consequences of choosing not to crossdress? What could possibly go wrong if someone were to simply stop? As stated, crossdressing is the main outlet for feminine self-expression in men that have a strong feminine side. Also as stated, everyone has a very real need to express themselves – including personal traits that are (senselessly) frowned upon by society. Self-expression is not always tied to one’s personal appearance or attire, but take away the ability for someone to exercise the form of self-expression that is most meaningful to them and rest assured, there will be negative consequences as a result. A diminished sense of happiness and not feeling like oneself is just the beginning. Throw in time and prolonged restriction from self-expression, and it will come out in a variety of negative ways, including but not limited, to anger management difficulties, confusion, discontentment, frustration, changes in appetite/weight, and depression.

Caving under pressure
Most crossdressers at some time or another do try to stop crossdressing. The perceived need to stop is caused by the overwhelming reinforcement by society that crossdressing is wrong, immoral, sick, silly and a number of other negative (and incorrect) assessments. Out of frustration and usually a sense of feeling “crazy” a crossdresser may discard or purge all of their feminine clothes, makeup, and accessories. For a time, there may be some satisfaction felt in purging – a false sense of resolve in conforming to “normality”. After a while, sometimes almost immediately following a purge, many crossdressing men feel a great sense of loss. In online transgendered communities, many crossdressers have expressed feeling “naked” and not like themselves after purging.

Consequences of my own choices
I spent most of my life trying to rid myself of the demon I considered crossdressing to be. My mother caught me crossdressing in my youth. I was scolded, taught it was “wrong”, and began to truly hate myself because it wasn’t only something I felt the need to do, but also something I really enjoyed. Convinced I was crazy and worthless, I suffered from low self-esteem, constant guilt, debilitating depression and wanted to die. I attempted suicide a number of times, and subsequently ended up in a psychiatric hospital after literally having my life saved in the emergency room. It took many years for me to really figure out what this “crazy” crossdressing thing was all about. I realized that the demon within me was really just a misunderstood blessing; a gift if you will. Rather than hating myself for being this way, I decided to embrace this aspect of my life and found a great sense of happiness and relief in doing so. In allowing myself to truly be myself, I finally achieved a sense of peace and calmness where there was once only confusion, self-loathing, and pain. The personal price I paid for trying to conform to society’s “gender rules” is substantial. Years of my life were needlessly wasted in confusion and depression – time I can never have back. I can’t help but wonder how many other crossdressers and transgendered people are still running from their phantom demon – in other words, running from themselves.

Opinion and belief vs. reality
In reality, there is nothing wrong with a man’s need for feminine self-expression and therefore nothing wrong with crossdressing. Popular social opinion greatly differs, but it does not change the reality anymore than believing the world is flat can actually cause it to be true. Centuries ago, to suggest the world was not flat was considered blasphemous. Popular opinion can influence how people think and feel about realities, but it does not change reality itself.

The herd mentality that crossdressing is wrong or abnormal is absolutely ridiculous… yet sadly widely accepted by cattle… or rather by people. When people choose to exhibit lack of intelligence consistent with that of a herd of cattle, then the comparison works, does it not?

‘Choosing’ to be naive
Crossdressers and transgendered people in general take a lot of heat from society for being ourselves. People often don’t understand us, having been misinformed or perhaps not informed at all. Many people do not want to understand us – they grew up “learning” that we’re just a bunch of “deviant freaks” and sleep better at night clinging to and believing the same garbage they’ve been fed all their lives.

This form of being naive is a choice. Maybe not at first, but when one chooses to remain comfortably in the dark about certain realities in life, even after being presented with the truth, their intelligence level is consistent with that of the bovine meat I consume for dinner.

Needs and choices
Crossdressing is not a choice, but instead a simple need – one that society has chosen to make a big deal about. Everyone has needs in their life. Most needs fall within socially accepted “norms” and therefore do not end up under the magnifying glass of social scrutiny. When needs conflict with social taboos, people come up with all kinds of ways of demonizing them. Trying to belittle crossdressing as a simple “choice” is but one of many naive ways people try to shame us out of being who we are.

Conclusion
In my life, it’s not about crossdressing being a choice, it’s about choosing to be who I am. I like who I am. There’s nothing wrong with me, nor any crossdresser/transgender for that matter – at least not because of this aspect.

When it comes to choices, choosing to be oneself is the most intelligent and rewarding. Choosing to renounce oneself and live a lie simply to conform to social standards and pressures only leads to unhappiness and discontentment. As for me, I choose to be myself. There’s your “choice” explained.

 
Related content: Crossdressing Myths

 

The photo you see above is of my wife, the fabulous Mrs. H. If you’re new to this site, she’s a genetic woman, not a crossdresser (like me). Although she agreed to pose for the photograph, it is not uncommon to find her admiring the beauty she sees in her own reflection in the mirror. This is especially true when she’s wearing something sexy.

What does this have to do with anything? When it comes to the misconceptions about crossdressers by mainstream society, a lot, really. Please note that sex and masturbation will be brought up in this article to some extent – not in a gratuitous way, but rather informational and as a matter of fact. You may want to stop reading now if informational sexual content is offensive to you. In saying that, I can’t help but wonder if people also skipped out on sex education in school because that also dealt with matters of sex and (gasp) masturbation.

I would like to first mention that my wife has given her permission to publish the intimate content within this article and is fully aware of what it encompasses. She understands my intentions and agrees with the message I would like to convey.

She likes to dress sexy
Mrs. H. is an attractive woman. Short miniskirts and revealing tops are often the norm when leaving the house. This was more the case years ago than now, but dressing sexy was, and to some extent still is, her preferred choice in personal appearance. Her revealing attire is not intended to attract the attention of horny guys, even though that is often the result. She’s a cute little thing, but also tough as nails. Guys who misinterpret her sexy appearance as an invitation to hit on her are always greeted with a cold, abrasive earful from my outspoken wife. She can really handle herself and then some, trust me. The point is that Mrs. H. likes to dress sexy because she enjoys looking good, period.

Society has a problem with sex
Expression of sex and sexuality is oddly frowned upon in today’s society. Of western cultures, America is probably the most sexually repressed. It’s not quite as bad as it was 40 years ago, but this is still a highly sexually repressed society. Case in point: (in America) it’s acceptable to show someone literally getting their head blown off by a shotgun in movies and video games, but it’s not acceptable to show the act of sex, or even a woman’s frontal, naked body. So graphic violence is acceptable, but the most natural thing to all mammalian life forms on this planet, sex, is not. I could write volumes about this alone, but it’s not the main point of this article. It is however, an important point in the dots I’d like to connect – a point that extends well beyond this one write-up.

Aroused by her own reflection
Sometimes when looking at herself in the mirror, my wife can be very playful in how she poses, admires her body, and even touches herself. Although she’ll do this in the nude, more frequently it is when she’s dressed sexy. There are times when she’ll get all dressed up sexy simply to enjoy looking at her reflection. The experience is often very arousing (to her) and can lead to other things.

She masturbates fully clothed
My wife and I enjoy an active and healthy sex life. Even so, both of us still masturbate from time to time. With some exceptions, most humans do, regardless of how often they have sex. Perhaps the most interesting thing about how my wife prefers to masturbate is that she’ll usually do so when fully dressed in sexy clothes. The process begins when she gets all dressed up (including hair and makeup) and seductively poses in front of the mirror. I’m not going to get into all of the details, but the act of masturbation itself is usually done without removing any items of clothing.

Women are attracted to feminine beauty
Admiration and attraction to her own sexy form in the mirror is not unique to my wife. I’ve observed this behavior in other women, although to a lesser extent. Previous girlfriends exhibited similar conduct, admiring their own beauty and playfully posing in front of a mirror, before going out on a formal date. When accompanying my wife to clothing stores, I sometimes observe other women admiring themselves in mirrors near the fitting rooms, in ways that (seem to) go beyond simply identifying if something fits well. In personal conversation, a few other men I know have reported similar behavior in their wives – the specifics vary, but the self-arousal theme is present. It is pretty clear that my wife is not the only one essentially turned on by her own sexy reflection in the mirror from time to time. Although it may be uncommon, I highly doubt she is the only woman who masturbates fully clothed, either.

Sexual repression and behavior
Around the house, Mrs. H. is pretty uninhibited when it comes to her own body. Because of society’s general level of sexual repression, some women will probably never consider the idea of admiring themselves in the mirror on a sexual level. They may feel it is silly, abnormal, sinful, or otherwise somehow wrong. The percentage of women who (sexually) admire themselves in the privacy of their own homes vs. those who do not is something I can only guess at, in addition to the numerous factors that come into play with each.

The point
When my wife dresses sexy, she does so simply because she likes the way she looks and feels good about her appearance. The fact that she can become aroused by her own reflection and sometimes masturbate while dressed sexy does not mean she dresses sexy as some kind of “weird sexual fetish”. A number of women are in fact attracted to their own image. The fact that is it not often discussed does not make it abnormal or unnatural. It’s just a sign of our sexually repressed society.

Where does crossdressing come into play?
If you’re a crossdresser, you probably understand why I’d bring this up. If not, it may seem like a bit of an odd topic. My hope is that this article makes an interesting read when it comes to the sexual repression of our society (mainly American) and a form of autoerotic stimulus that is rarely discussed. It is also necessary to have this write-up available for reference before publishing the yet to be completed Crossdressing Myth #7 (which I will link to from here after its publication).

This myth is fairly common among (unaccepting) loved ones of crossdressers and subsequently many crossdressers themselves. In online transgendered communities, countless times crossdressers have expressed guilt about being themselves sighting this exact myth as the source of their guilty feelings.

Myth: Crossdressing is a purely selfish act and the time spent crossdressing could be better spent doing more productive things. Fact: Crossdressig is no more selfish than time spent reading a good book, watching TV/movies, exploring a personal hobby, or any other activity of personal interest.

We’ll start out by examining the meaning of the word “selfish” and then get into why there is little merit to this myth.

Marriam-Webster definition:
Selfish (adjective):
(1) concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
(2) arising from concern with one’s own welfare or advantage in disregard of others: a selfish act

Dictionary.com definition:
Selfish (adjective):
(1) devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
(2) characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

As these definitions indicate, being selfish involves a certain level of disregard for the welfare of others. How exactly does crossdressing interfere with or show disregard for the welfare of others? The short answer is: it does not.

Crossdressing requires an investment of time and money. It varies from one person to the next depending on personal style, depth, and duration of time spent crossdressed. Some crossdressers do so openly in the company of their spouses and/or families, and sometimes out in public. Some choose to only crossdress in private.

Now I’m going to repeat the same general paragraph, substituting crossdressing for a model train enthusiast. The point I’m making should become clear.

Building a model train set requires an investment of time and money. It varies from one person to the next depending on personal interest, depth, and duration of time spent with the model train set. Some model train enthusiasts do so openly in the company of their spouses and/or families, and sometimes at public at shows/events. Some choose to only indulge in private.

The father of one of my childhood friends was a very serious model train enthusiast. He had quite an elaborate set up in his basement, complete with a miniature town, buildings that had working lights, moving railway road-block arms, detailed geography, grass and trees, and the train even blew smoke out of its stack. The model trains themselves were rather impressive chugging by with their intricate wheel mechanisms, functional train-whistle, and passenger cars that also had working lights. The whole set up was enormous and filled up about a third of the entire basement (in a closed off room). This was 30 years ago, mind you. Some pretty serious electronic technology of the time was being utilized. I can only imagine how many hours were spent assembling everything and time necessary to maintain the the small, intricate moving parts, let alone the cost of it all. It must have been very expensive because he protected the set up with a vengeance. We weren’t allowed near it without him in the room… and he reminded us of that every time we went in the basement to play Atari (old school gaming, for you younger folks).

I was just a kid at the time, but I think it’s safe to say that no one questioned this man’s love and enthusiasm for his amazing model train set and collection. The time devoted to his hobby was probably not considered a “selfish act” by his family or friends. I wonder if his wife ever had a problem with the amount of money spent on it.

The rules are very different for crossdressers though. The time spent crossdressing is often considered a “selfish act”. Why is that? Money spent on acquiring female clothing, makeup, and accessories is often seen as part of the selfish act because it might have been “spent more wisely on other things”. Does this same logic apply to the purchase of expensive model train components?

The general reason one is considered “a selfish act”, and the other not, is because many people are uncomfortable with the idea of a man crossdressing in female clothing. People are taught to be uncomfortable about this from a young age because it does not conform to currently acceptable social norms. It’s a bit like sex – most parents are embarrassed to discuss the subject of sex with their young children. Kids are taught not to ask about or even mention it, often in a punishing tone. This embarrassment was taught to them by their own parents (and other grownups) when they were kids, because their parents were embarrassed by the subject as well. It works much the same with crossdressing – the discomfort and detest is taught and passed down from generation to generation. Unlike the subject of sex, with crossdressing there is often no “acceptable age” at which time it becomes ok to discuss or acknowledge as a normal human trait. Instead, it remains a problem with many people. The reason has a lot to do with the lack of knowledge about and social stigma attached to crossdressing. It’s a lot easier to perpetuate the negative stigma than it is to acknowledge the truth and reality.

Truth be told, some crossdressers are in fact selfish – at least in some aspects of their lives. It has little to do with their crossdressing however, but rather the kind of person the are. The same can be said about many non-crossdressers as well. The world is full of people who do selfish things. Some happen to be crossdressers. Some happen to be model train enthusiasts.

If you think it’s ridiculous to compare crossdressing with being a model train enthusiast (in this context), please enlighten me as to why by leaving a comment below. I think it is ridiculous how society treats and vilifies such harmless and perfectly normal activities as crossdressing.

I know, most people do not consider crossdressing “normal”. There was also a time when most people did not consider being left-handed “normal”, or blacks drinking out of the same drinking fountain as whites “normal”. Luckily, most people have realized how idiotic those notions are. Society has, in many ways, become more enlightened and grown up. There is a long way yet to go, however. How much more growing up do you need to do?

I’ve often thought about the unaccepting families and loved one’s of crossdressers as being selfish when they ask their loved ones to stop crossdressing. It is selfish to ask someone to change who they are for you own personal benefit – in this case to ease your discomfort and/or embarrassment about their crossdressing. It displays disregard for the welfare of the crossdresser’s personal happiness. We are all entitled to the pursuit of happiness in life. There’s nothing selfish about that.

 
Related content: Crossdressing Myths

 

Earlier this week while I was at work, “Edmund” (not his real name) stopped by to visit my wife. I know Edmund fairly well. We didn’t always get along, but as he grew up and matured, things lightened up between us. He’s really not a bad guy, but he offered a little reminder and rather cold dose of reality before his visit was through.

There was a phone number Mrs. H. needed from Edmund so she handed over the phone asking him to add it to her contacts. Being the curious type, he ended up browsing through some of the photos on her phone in the process. Some of my early makeup photos as Gabrielle are on my wife’s phone. I’m sure you see where this is going.

“That’s a dude, ain’t he!”, Edmund called out to my wife. Mrs. H. immediately knew he stumbled upon my photos as Gabrielle. There are about four of them on there, none of which are very flattering. She asked how he could tell. He said he could just tell and proceeded to ask, “Is that one of your faggot friends?” Those are his exact words as quoted by my wife, which is consistent with what I know about his speech patterns.

My wife has had several gay friends over the years, as have I. Some of her gay friends were also crossdressers. I don’t know if Edmund has ever met any of them, but he is aware that Mrs. H. has friends of all types. I also don’t know if the picture shown above is the exact one he landed on when making his rather degrading remark. He could have very well viewed each of the photos.

Edmund’s candid statement was a bit jarring to me. I really shouldn’t be shocked because I know exactly how the majority of people feel about crossdressers and confuse us with gay men… who are sadly held in equally poor regard.

I felt it necessary not to show any emotion as my wife told me about Edmund’s reaction to my photos. I kind of chuckled to mask how it really made me feel. That is how I tend to behave in guy-mode anyway. In reality it hurt more than usual, perhaps because it hit pretty close to home this time. These crude, dehumanizing words made some disturbing realities settle in clearer than ever. The fact that they were spoken in direct reference to me had greater impact coming from Edmund, who is in fact my stepson.

He didn’t recognize the photos as me, but he may eventually put two and two together. We’re not exactly close and don’t see much of each other so not much would change as a result. I’m sure he’d find it very amusing and perhaps a bit “gross” to find out the truth about me. Even so, he’s not a trouble maker and understands that I deeply love and take very good care of his mother. It may offer me the opportunity to educate him on the realities about people like me… if he were at all interested in learning the truth. My gut feeling is that this conversation topic might make him uncomfortable because of the tough, macho-type he hangs with. There would probably be no real discussion, but rather some squirming, laughter and something along the line of “Ok, ok – whatever makes you happy. I don’t need to hear about it.” I can see this going either way, really.

Regardless, I’m not ashamed of who I am and certainly not about to stop being myself or crawl back into my shell. There’s nothing wrong with me, at least not on this level. It is society that needs to crawl out of the endless abyss of ignorance in which it currently festers and clings to like a frightened child to a mother’s leg.

On a side note, I often equate the word “macho” with the word “coward”. Think about how that works for a moment. This association is not absolute – it is context dependent, but that is a topic for another day.