The purpose of our meeting was to discuss some business venture ideas, but most of the time was spent chatting about personal interests. Being the first time we met up since I came out to him, there was a good deal of curiosity about this aspect of my life, which I was more than happy to discuss.

During our conversation, he made an interesting comment to me. He’s known a total of three crossdressers and pointed out, “…but you’re the only normal one.” He shared with me that the other crossdressers both exhibited negative, degrading feminine behavior in girl-mode – the kind of behavior that most women would (and trans folk should) find insulting. I certainly did.

The way he described their behavior was basically a poorly done, exaggerated impression of a woman acted out by someone who does not think very highly of the female gender. Imagine a silly, no-class comedic high-pitched female vocal impression repeatedly explaining how dumb she is because she’s just a dumb little girl and as such, not very bright. Imagine this kind of behavior playing out during a gathering – a constant display of exaggerated female behavior in the form of a dumb little girl. If I were to find myself in the company of such a person, I would probably share a few choice words with them and remove myself from their company.

Sometimes it’s very clear why often we get such a bad rap. Many people get the wrong impression of us on the whole because of contact with some very troubled people who also happen to be transgendered and/or hearing stories about such people from friends.

Every “group” has its bad examples. I’m all for people being themselves and living their life to the fullest in whatever makes them happy (barring that which is harmful to others). At the same time, I do not agree with such a poor display just because it comes from another crossdresser. If anything, I’m that much more insulted by it. An idiot is still an idiot regardless of gender expression.

I’m glad my friend finally got to meet a positive example of a crossdresser. Even more powerful is the fact that we’ve known each other for many years and he now associates my many positive attributes with my femme-side as well. Should the topic of crossdressing be brought up in future conversations between him and others, he will probably talk about the multi-talented, down to earth, “normal” one: me. I hope he remembers to bring up the fact that us “normal” ones are also plentiful, as I explained to him. Somehow the poor examples always seem to stand out more, but that is true in all facets of human nature and not limited to the transgender spectrum. Perhaps in time, more people will understand that.

As usual, I use the word “normal” with quotes around it because there really is no such thing as normal. There is only that which popular opinion perceives and acknowledges as common (and usually desirable) traits.

If you found yourself in the company of an idiot or jerk who also happened to be a crossdresser, what would you do? Would you put up with their poor behavior simply because they have but a single thing in common with you? Would you explain to them that perhaps they might benefit from behavior modifications?

Please take a moment to share your thoughts.

In June of this year, I published a letter written to me by Anna, along with my response. Her boyfriend, Matt, was a crossdresser and Anna expressed her many questions about the topic. If you’ve got some time, I recommend you read the original post before continuing here. This is a follow-up about Anna and her crossdressing boyfriend, Matt… who turned out to be more than just a crossdresser.

Anna was kind enough to offer me a brief update a few weeks ago. She explained that they’re still together in a loving, committed relationship, and that Matt turned out to be more than just a crossdresser. He’s a transsexual who has decided to transition. A short time after, Matt also contacted me personally to let me know that he has decided to document his journey in a continuing video blog (or vlog) series on YouTube.

Matt’s real name is Todd, information I share with his blessing. Todd is on his way to becoming Tessa, his chosen female name, that will later become her legal name.

I was a bit surprised to learn that Tessa is a transsexual rather than crossdresser. So how does one go from being a crossdresser to transsexual? In Tessa’s own words:
 

When I referred to myself as a crossdresser I used that as somewhat of a “smoke screen” to hide my real feelings. I figured I wouldn’t have to confront those feelings if I could keep them at bay with something kind of like what I really really want (hope that makes sense).

It makes perfect sense, Tessa. I think it’s safe to say that most of us that occupy the transgender spectrum have tried to convince ourselves of things that we feel might be more acceptable and/or easier to live with. There’s nothing easy about existing as the kind of person that much of society doesn’t understand and often frowns upon. The rationalizations and lies we tell ourselves are a defense mechanism, designed to minimize our feelings of not feeling good or right about ourselves, among other things.

I’ve watched several of Tessa’s videos on YouTube. I encourage you to give them a look, too. The videos are not just trans-talk only, but instead offer an interesting peak into someone’s life in a very personal way. For instance, Tessa is a very talented musician, pursuing a career as such, which is also discussed in the videos.

Transgendered people often struggle with this aspect of their lives for many years before finally discovering who they really are. Todd/Tessa offers a unique look into the thoughts, feelings and life of a transsexual going through the process of transitioning. Just as there is more to life than one’s gender, there is more to these videos than just gender-talk. Although the content might be most meaningful to other transsexuals, there are feelings discussed that many transgendered people experience – crossdresser, t-girl, transsexual, and everything in between.

Tessa’s YouTube Channel: Birth and Rebirth

I’d like to thank Tessa for being brave enough to document her transition process and allowing the world to see. I also send my love and respect to Anna, Tessa’s girlfriend, for sticking by her love, regardless of gender.
 

Related content: Dear Gabi, I Have So Many Crossdressing Questions…
 

I have been under great stress at work. I still have a job but I feel trapped I can’t be me. You are free and have the support of your wife. I don’t know what to do any more, I can’t come out at work or I’ll be fired for being TG, I’m thinking of seeing a therapist but have a strong fear that if I use company med. insurance it may get back to the new owners of the company and I’ll be fired.

I have been hoping to find support in online TG communities. I’m not a kid anymore. I’m also 55 years of age and I’m not pretty like you and many other t-girls I’ve seen. I love your goth picture.

God if only I had the money to free me from working and the money to transition and live my true self as Margueritte full time, may I ask you how you can live and be both male and female with out the homophobic BS from people around you? Sometimes I think of taking a bottle of sleeping tablets and just ending it all. How do you handle the pressure and depression?

Trapped
Margueritte

I understand your feelings of being trapped, frustrated, and depressed. Trust me when I tell you that you’re not alone.

Health insurance privacy
Seeing a therapist using company provided insurance will probably not result in your employer finding out. My own employer is unaware of the fact that I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist. My health insurance covers most of the cost, but that information is not shared with my employer. Call up your insurance provider (directly, not through your company) and ask what the policy is on that. You should be able to find out one way or the other and take it from there.

The illusion of beauty requires quite an investment
Your compliments on my appearance are much appreciated, but the reality is I work very, very hard to look like this. Some are thin and attractive naturally. Others have to really work at it. I fall into the “others” category. I was not blessed with the “thin” gene and have to spend hours every day exercising. I also have to watch my food intake because my body has a naturally slow metabolism. It is a lot of very hard work. Chances are, most people who are willing to subject themselves to a strict diet and commit to a daily exercise regimen will look physically fit and more attractive for the effort. Like many, I also struggle with vanity issues and cannot live up to my own desired standard of beauty. There are dozens of t-girls out there (and genetic women, for that matter) who’s beauty I’m quite envious of.

How I do it
When it comes to “how I do it” – in other words, how I live my life as the man and as the t-girl, with such balance and freedom without the BS and pressures getting to me… the answer is I do not. I have yet to achieve a good balance, and it does get the best of me sometimes. I really have to put forth a conscious effort to rise above all the garbage, hold my head high and keep moving forward. It is a simple choice I make and hold myself to. There’s nothing easy about it.

My loving, accepting wife
My wife knows and accepts my feminine side. She has been very helpful in making “Gabrielle” possible. At the same time, our marriage is far from perfect. Being a transgender has not caused trouble, but this is but one aspect of my life. There are plenty other aspects she isn’t so happy about. Many (tg) people perceive her acceptance of me as a crossdresser as “marital bliss”. It only means that this single aspect of my life does not cause trouble. Our marriage is a good one, but we both have to work hard at it.

Living in a society filled with hate
There’s nothing easy about dealing with society’s bigotry and hatred. It is ironic that on the day you sent your message, I was terribly stressed out and very depressed myself. Trouble finding ways to be out in public (en femme) safely, and my inability to move freely in society as Gabrielle had really gotten to me. Despite my photos, in person, I am usually easily read. That translates to standing out and drawing negative attention in my town. Although I refuse to let the dangers (hate-filled thugs who may do me harm) prevent me from getting out, it does greatly complicate things.

Suicide is not a solution
Years ago, I thought suicide was the answer to my own depression and troubles. Now I am so grateful that I lived through the terrible things I once did to myself. Had I succeeded, I never would have met my beautiful wife and enjoyed all the wonderful experiences I have in life. Nor would I have ever gotten the opportunity to become the lovely Gabrielle. None of this would have existed.

Nothing is easy in life, but it’s always worth living
Some people have easy lives. It’s just a fact. For many of us however, life is not so easy. Try to recognize the areas in your own life that you are not happy with and figure out what you need to do to improve upon them. You’ll have to work hard on making your dreams a reality. They most certainly will not magically come true on their own. Best to attack one problem at a time though. In addition, take things one day at a time.

What to focus on first
I suggest you look into seeing that therapist you mentioned. It sounds like a good starting point to figure out what it is you want, and what it will take to achieve it.

Life is full of challenges and obstacles to overcome. I have overcome much adversity in my own life – things I once believed not possible. I think you will too, Margueritte.

 
Related content: Dear Gabi Advice Column

Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page

 

While browsing a local mall (en femme) and minding my own business, I noticed male employees of a T-Mobile kiosk up ahead staring me down with a rather unpleasant look on their faces. There was what appeared to be a customer being assisted at the time, but their focus was on me. From several meters away, I very clearly heard one of them say “There goes a faggot.” It was spoken louder than the rest of the conversation, indicative of his intent for me to hear it.

I would expect this kind of lowbrow behavior from immature kids and street thugs, but not from on-duty employees and representatives of any business, regardless if their own misguided personal views.

As mentioned in my previous account of browsing the mall en femme, I did not allow their bully tactics to ruin my day. They rattled me and gave me a good scare – good for them. I’m sure they’re very proud of themselves for their juvenile display of aggressive behavior toward a completely harmless person. Nothing has changed though. I’m still me, very happy to be who I am, and a little wiser for the experience.

What did you THINK would happen?
The “what did you think would happen going out dressed like that” question that some people may be pondering a load of bull. I didn’t “bring anything upon myself”. I’ve got every right to be out in public as any other law-abiding citizen. I’ve also got the right to personal self-expression so long as my self-expression is not unlawful. In turn, these guys are allowed their opinions, right or wrong. As on-the-clock representatives of T-Mobile however, derogatory comments and acts of intimidation toward the public reflect on the company as a whole.

I’m a human being
It’s sickening how some “people” (and I use that term loosely) are so comfortable going out of their way to make life difficult for others simply because they disapprove of their differences. I understand that many view people like me as “sub-human”. Well, that’s just too bad. I’m not sub-human, and will not tolerate being treated as such by representatives of any company. No one should just put up with such terrible treatment.

Silence is not an option
Staying silent about something like this would be irresponsible on my part. In my opinion, it’s irresponsible for ANYONE to simply put up with garbage like this. It took time and wasn’t easy, but I wrote a letter detailing the incident to the CEO of T-Mobile, Robert Dotson. I didn’t actually expect the company CEO to look into this matter personally, by the way. Not knowing who exactly to direct this to, I understood that his secretary would probably see to it that it ended up in the right hands.

I encourage you to read the letter. It explains the troubling encounter in detail. The link is to an image file or graphic representation of the letter. Some personal and geographical elements of the letter have been obscured for privacy reasons.

• Letter to Robert Dotson, CEO T-Mobile

Disappointing, but expected response
Eight days after mailing the letter (via postal service), I received an e-mail response. It was short, vague, and seemed intended for diplomacy purposes more than anything.

• T-Mobile’s response from Senior Human Resource Manager Stephen Fox

What can be expected to be done?
In all fairness to Mr. Fox and T-Mobile, matters of this nature are anything but simple. From their perspective, what’s to say that someone didn’t just make something up for whatever reason? Fact is: what I detailed in my letter is what took place, but I think you understand my point. One person’s word against another usually results in a stalemate – in other words, if nothing can be proven, nothing “officially” took place.

Bringing out the truth
I pondered whether or not to offer a suggestion in response to Mr. Fox’s e-mail, but didn’t think it would be taken seriously. Few companies would welcome advice on how to “do their job” from outsiders, and that is understandable. Even so, I felt compelled to offer it anyway.

• Follow-up e-mail response to Stephen Fox, Senior Human Resource Manager, T-Mobile

Since replying to his e-mail with my suggestion, I haven’t heard back from Mr. Fox, nor do I expect to. Most companies will not discuss or share information of this nature outside of authorized personnel for numerous valid reasons.

What now?
There is no way (for me) to check on the status of any investigation or even confirm that one has taken place. For all I know, my initial letter was only taken with minimal seriousness by people who might even share the same sentiments about transgendered people as their local sales representatives. Actions taken, if any, may be nothing more than a superficial show of good intent in effort to minimize any potential backlash.

I’d like to believe that my account has been taken seriously, that the investigation is very real, and regardless of their findings, that something is done to let it be known that publicly disparaging people (regardless of personal feelings) is absolutely unacceptable behavior for company representatives to engage in.

It could have been anyone
The behavior exhibited toward me by the T-Mobile sales employees is not unique. I’m well aware of how ignorant people in this town (and abroad) view people with differences like mine. It sometimes feels like the 1950′s and I’m a black person who just walked into a white neighborhood – given a hard time for no other reason than my personal appearance.

Regardless of what it could have been, it was what it was. Local representatives of T-Mobile made it clear that and displays of intimidation and openly referring to shoppers as “faggot” is acceptable behavior. If nothing is done about this, then they’re right, it is acceptable behavior.

Do you do business with T-Mobile?
I’m not a T-Mobile customer, but I wonder about their numbers. Statically, how much of T-Mobile’s business comes from transgendered people? Additionally, how many T-Mobile customers are gay? Though in the minority, the two groups together represent a significant portion of the human population. That’s a lot of consumer dollars up for grabs.

About the photo
The photo above is of the actual T-Mobile kiosk this took place. I went back the next day (in guy-mode), observed for a while, and took a picture. I do not imply that the employees seen in the photo either are or are not the same as those who behaved poorly toward me the previous day.

Stay silent, and nothing changes
Tired of being disrespected for no other reason aside from being yourself in public? Do you just accept the dangers involved in public shows of self-expression? You’d better speak your mind, friends. The bigots and haters have, and will continue to speak their minds and make life difficult for us if you do nothing.

Why don’t you start by speaking your mind here – share your thoughts in a comment.
 

Related content: crossdressing in public

Plenty of (non-crossdressing) people seem to believe that crossdressing is nothing more than a personal choice. They think that for whatever reason, some guys just decide to go against the grain of society and wear women’s clothing and makeup. Maybe they also believe that we enjoy the ridicule and rejection we often face as a result of our “choice”.

Myth: A crossdresser chooses to dress in women’s clothes, doesn’t need to, and can also choose to stop. Fact: Crossdressing is a very necessary outlet for feminine self-expression in some men. It is no more a choice than choosing to be left-handed or right-handed.

It’s difficult to find a good analogy that will properly illustrate the inaccuracy of this crossdressing myth. There are many comparisons that can be made, but few carry enough weight to suitably convey the reality. Because most (non-crossdressing) people are accepted in society as they are, it is nearly impossible to explain the fundamental need for self-expression and the devastating negative emotional and psychological consequences one can suffer when deprived of their ability to do so.

Semantics
There is some truth to this myth, though only in the unintended literal translation. For most people, clothing, style and outward appearance involves a lot of personal choice. In that respect, what people wear is by their own choice. It is, with few exceptions, true across the board, regardless of gender or gender identity. I’m addressing the myth of crossdressing (as in any crossdressing, ever), being a personal choice and not the fact that most do not crossdress 24/7.

Society and self-expression
Everyone has a basic need for self-expression. How a person chooses to present themselves to the world often plays an important role. Some go to great lengths to make themselves appear and feel more attractive, whereas others simply aim to be comfortable rather than do anything extra for appearance sake. Whether dressing to impress or just for comfort, the freedom to do so as one desires is very important, and usually taken for granted. What would happen if that freedom was somehow diminished or taken away all together? I’ll explore that to some extent later in this article.

Legally, we’re free to dress as we choose. Socially, there can be a heavy price to pay for going against widely accepted forms of self-presentation. The social consequences of crossdressing vary heavily from one place to the next. In some places, people actually recognize the fact that we’re fellow human beings, we’re shown respect and even welcomed. In most places, we’re seen as deviant freaks – sub-human creatures not worthy of respect or even the “right” to be out in public.

Taboo personal traits
Generally speaking, crossdressing men have a strong feminine side. Much like artists have a need to express their creativity through art, crossdressers have the need to express their feminine side through crossdressing. Not many people have a problem with artists expressing their creativity in their artwork. Of course, it’s a very different story when a man expresses his feminine side in the form of crossdressing.

Does an artist choose to be creative and create art? Yes, and no. There is often a choice made in when to create art, but with few exceptions, most artists simply need to explore their creative ideas by creating art (in whatever form). A very talented friend of mine has little control over his need to explore artistic ideas. He’ll literally sketch drawings on pretty much anything: school papers, notepads, book covers, napkins, walls, tables, his hand, etc. No one ever questions his need to create art or thinks of him poorly for doing so. He’s gotten in trouble for drawing on papers in school and at work, but that’s an entirely different matter of misplaced attention and has nothing to do with the activity of creating art itself.

Does a left-handed person choose to write with his/her left hand? Again, the answer isn’t a simple yes or no. A left-handed person is born that way, as is an artistic type, and transgender. They can choose (or be forced) not to use or write with their left-hand, but it is unnatural to write with their other. Writing skills suffer when not allowed to write with the hand that was genetically encoded as the favored/predominant one. The point is that their true potential will never be reached if not allowed to develop as nature intended. As ridiculous as it may sound, there was once a social stigma to being left-handed, and it still exists in some places. Do a little research for yourself. There has been plenty written on this subject. Although conceptually similar, the consequences for not allowing a crossdresser to express his feminine side are a significantly more profound than a lefty being forced to be a righty.

By choice or by necessity
In most cases, crossdressers can and do stop crossdressing for short durations in time. Perhaps this is where some people mistake crossdressing as a personal choice, because it is usually not exercised all of the time. For many, the need to be crossdressed and explore feminine self-expression is effectively satisfied in the occasional indulgence, be it every few days, weekly, monthly, etc. Most crossdressers live and carry out their day-to-day lives as men, looking like men. Because of the social stigma and related complications, the opportunity to crossdress isn’t always available, so more often than not, breaks from it become necessary. It’s part of the price we (crossdressers) pay for living in a society that is so very strict in its “all masculine, all the time” imposition upon men.

Social peer pressure
Crossdressing is no more a choice than being left or right-handed. A lefty can be taught to write with his/her right hand, but there’s nothing natural about it and there are consequences. Crossdressers can also be “taught”, or more accurately put, shamed, conditioned, and even brainwashed into not crossdressing. If you’re surrounded by people who repeatedly tell you that you’re an “ass”, you will start to believe it yourself.

Consequences of choice
What exactly are the consequences of choosing not to crossdress? What could possibly go wrong if someone were to simply stop? As stated, crossdressing is the main outlet for feminine self-expression in men that have a strong feminine side. Also as stated, everyone has a very real need to express themselves – including personal traits that are (senselessly) frowned upon by society. Self-expression is not always tied to one’s personal appearance or attire, but take away the ability for someone to exercise the form of self-expression that is most meaningful to them and rest assured, there will be negative consequences as a result. A diminished sense of happiness and not feeling like oneself is just the beginning. Throw in time and prolonged restriction from self-expression, and it will come out in a variety of negative ways, including but not limited, to anger management difficulties, confusion, discontentment, frustration, changes in appetite/weight, and depression.

Caving under pressure
Most crossdressers at some time or another do try to stop crossdressing. The perceived need to stop is caused by the overwhelming reinforcement by society that crossdressing is wrong, immoral, sick, silly and a number of other negative (and incorrect) assessments. Out of frustration and usually a sense of feeling “crazy” a crossdresser may discard or purge all of their feminine clothes, makeup, and accessories. For a time, there may be some satisfaction felt in purging – a false sense of resolve in conforming to “normality”. After a while, sometimes almost immediately following a purge, many crossdressing men feel a great sense of loss. In online transgendered communities, many crossdressers have expressed feeling “naked” and not like themselves after purging.

Consequences of my own choices
I spent most of my life trying to rid myself of the demon I considered crossdressing to be. My mother caught me crossdressing in my youth. I was scolded, taught it was “wrong”, and began to truly hate myself because it wasn’t only something I felt the need to do, but also something I really enjoyed. Convinced I was crazy and worthless, I suffered from low self-esteem, constant guilt, debilitating depression and wanted to die. I attempted suicide a number of times, and subsequently ended up in a psychiatric hospital after literally having my life saved in the emergency room. It took many years for me to really figure out what this “crazy” crossdressing thing was all about. I realized that the demon within me was really just a misunderstood blessing; a gift if you will. Rather than hating myself for being this way, I decided to embrace this aspect of my life and found a great sense of happiness and relief in doing so. In allowing myself to truly be myself, I finally achieved a sense of peace and calmness where there was once only confusion, self-loathing, and pain. The personal price I paid for trying to conform to society’s “gender rules” is substantial. Years of my life were needlessly wasted in confusion and depression – time I can never have back. I can’t help but wonder how many other crossdressers and transgendered people are still running from their phantom demon – in other words, running from themselves.

Opinion and belief vs. reality
In reality, there is nothing wrong with a man’s need for feminine self-expression and therefore nothing wrong with crossdressing. Popular social opinion greatly differs, but it does not change the reality anymore than believing the world is flat can actually cause it to be true. Centuries ago, to suggest the world was not flat was considered blasphemous. Popular opinion can influence how people think and feel about realities, but it does not change reality itself.

The herd mentality that crossdressing is wrong or abnormal is absolutely ridiculous… yet sadly widely accepted by cattle… or rather by people. When people choose to exhibit lack of intelligence consistent with that of a herd of cattle, then the comparison works, does it not?

‘Choosing’ to be naive
Crossdressers and transgendered people in general take a lot of heat from society for being ourselves. People often don’t understand us, having been misinformed or perhaps not informed at all. Many people do not want to understand us – they grew up “learning” that we’re just a bunch of “deviant freaks” and sleep better at night clinging to and believing the same garbage they’ve been fed all their lives.

This form of being naive is a choice. Maybe not at first, but when one chooses to remain comfortably in the dark about certain realities in life, even after being presented with the truth, their intelligence level is consistent with that of the bovine meat I consume for dinner.

Needs and choices
Crossdressing is not a choice, but instead a simple need – one that society has chosen to make a big deal about. Everyone has needs in their life. Most needs fall within socially accepted “norms” and therefore do not end up under the magnifying glass of social scrutiny. When needs conflict with social taboos, people come up with all kinds of ways of demonizing them. Trying to belittle crossdressing as a simple “choice” is but one of many naive ways people try to shame us out of being who we are.

Conclusion
In my life, it’s not about crossdressing being a choice, it’s about choosing to be who I am. I like who I am. There’s nothing wrong with me, nor any crossdresser/transgender for that matter – at least not because of this aspect.

When it comes to choices, choosing to be oneself is the most intelligent and rewarding. Choosing to renounce oneself and live a lie simply to conform to social standards and pressures only leads to unhappiness and discontentment. As for me, I choose to be myself. There’s your “choice” explained.

 
Related content: Crossdressing Myths

 

I have been dressing since my early youth… 5, again at 8 and again at 12 and pretty much weekly after that I am 51 years old and married with one 5 year old child at home. I only wear panties here at home for that is all I own… no male briefs… nada. My wife knew of my crossdressing before we were married and accepted me. My problem now is that I can not dress any longer at home because of our child, so I take it elsewhere. Mainly to a gay friends house . I am hetero and my friend hits on me all the time as Debbie but never as Dave. For the past 3 – 4 years my dressing en femme has become very aggressive, and honestly that is all I want to do. I am at a point right now in that I would like to start hormones and transition to female, for that is who I truly feel inside. Dave has only been there out of fear, and to take care of his family. I actually get very depressed if Debbie does not get to play and even am Bitchy. I feel the urgency more so in my life today than I did years past. What to do? Debbie is who I befriended in my adolescent years and have came to love immensely. Even my family. Sisters, love having Debbie around to go out with and such.

Gabi, having said all of that, am I terribly wrong with wanting to be the person I feel that I really am? I am very confused, and the BATTLE is RAGING within! I just want to add a bit extra… I have not had sex for almost 6 years with any person, for I know it is a WANT and not a NEED, and Debbie does not like her plumbing either! I do not dress to play and masturbate…I dress for I am very comfy as Debbie and often Debbie will grab her purse and hit the streets to shop till she drops!

What is your take Gabi?

Debbie Daniels

You certainly have some complex issues weighing heavily on your mind. It sounds to me like you’re struggling with the role you currently play in life vs. who you’d like to be (as in full-time Debbie). The question that leaves me with is what role do you see yourself playing if you woke up tomorrow as post-SRS Debbie?

I am guessing that you’ve been free to crossdress and express yourself as you choose (at least on your own time) for most of your adult life. With your femme-time considerably restricted and (presumably) reduced for the last several years, I can understand your depression and feelings of irritation. When that which makes us feel like ourselves has been taken away or greatly restricted, it can take an emotional toll and manifest itself in various negative ways.

Your wife knew about and accepted Debbie before marriage, but how does she feel about your femme-side today? Did you mutually decide that your child should not be exposed to Debbie? Should you undergo SRS, what will have changed (aside from the obvious) that will allow you to then be yourself (Debbie) at home and around your child?

Your described “aggressive” crossdressing as of late may be the result of not being able to do so with the freedom you once enjoyed. Your desire to transition may be the need to become psychically who you feel you truly are inside. It might also just be overcompensation for the current lack of freedom to explore your feminine side.

When your friend hits on you as Debbie, does it fill a void currently lacking in your marriage? You describe yourself as heterosexual, so I imagine you have no romantic interest in your friend, but the attention probably plays a role in making you feel better about yourself as Debbie.

In my understanding, transsexuals generally feel, from an early age, they were born with the wrong sexual organs and/or in the wrong body. It seems like you are coming to this conclusion much later in your life than most.

Do you think that maybe the positive attention you receive as Debbie, lack of sex, and frustration in not being able to express your feminine-side at home could be the major factors in your desire to transition? Might things improve if you and your wife simply allowed Debbie to be a part of your home life again? Does Debbie’s plumbing truly feel wrong, or is she just frustrated by the lack of sex and personal freedom? Have you considered how sex might be with a vagina rather than a penis?

Undergoing the process of sex reassignment surgery is a very serious change in life. Under the right circumstances, it can offer people the opportunity to be physically who they have always been inside.

Psychological counseling is usually required in order to begin hormone therapy and start the process of transitioning. I advise you to seek out such a therapist (with proper training in this field) and discuss your reasons for wanting to undergo SRS. Most physicians won’t consider performing SRS until the patient has undergone the proper therapy and lived their life as the desired sex for at least one year prior.

You ask, “Am I terribly wrong with wanting to be the person I feel that I really am?” We all have the right to pursuit of happiness in life and that includes being ourselves (or who we feel we are). If Dave is only “there out of fear, and to take care of his family”, have you thought about life after transitioning? Will Debbie be there to take care of her family?

I don’t think it’s about being right or wrong in your desire to be who you feel you are, but rather a matter of where you want to be in your life, what you need to do to achieve that goal, and what it means for you and your family.

 
Related content: Dear Gabi Advice Column

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There seems to be no shortage of people who think crossdressing is nothing more than a sexual fetish. The origins of this myth however, are rooted in reality, at least to some extent. Sadly it’s been blown way out of proportion by people who don’t understand what they’re talking about, and little has been done to fill in the blanks of reality. Please allow me to clarify things for you.

Myth: Crossdressing is just a sexual fetish because crossdressing men are aroused by dressing up and do so for sexual pleasure. Fact: Although crossdressing is a sexual fetish for some, the vast majority of crossdressers do not experience any arousal as a result of crossdressing, nor is it a factor in their desire to do so.

Because this crossdressing myth is of a sexual nature, it is necessary to discuss some aspects of sex and masturbation. Although I will do so tactfully and on an informative level only, if this kind of subject matter is offensive to you, it may be advisable to discontinue reading… and you should probably never consider a career in the medical field. ;) If it is the truth you seek however, read on. Sex and masturbation are simple facts of life, just like eating, sleeping, and exercising. It is society that chooses (and teaches us) to make some topics taboo and others acceptable discussion material.

To properly address this myth, I think it is important to address some realities that many crossdressers prefer not to discuss openly. To be completely honest, very few people discuss it openly, whether they crossdress or not.

Masturbation
Masturbation is a very normal part of life, yet still very much a social taboo. The taboo element of masturbation is routed mainly in the generally universal religious belief that lust is a bad thing. Because masturbation can be considered the gratification of that lust, masturbation is therefore seen as wrong, sinful, evil, and just plain bad.

Crossdressing before puberty
According to a 1997 study of 1,023 crossdressers between the age of 20 and 80, two thirds began crossdressing before the age of 10 (source). For me, it was around age 3 or 4. In other words, it usually begins before puberty and any real understanding of sexual gratification. This one bit of information alone heavily supports the fact that crossdressing is not a sexual fetish for the majority of crossdressers.

The crossdressing masturbation phase
Around the onset of puberty, practically all boys, whether they crossdress or not, will masturbate. For most crossdressers, it is at this time in their life that the act of dressing in women’s clothes becomes very arousing. Masturbating while crossdressed is very common from the time puberty begins and will usually continue for a number of years. The span in which this persists varies from one person to the next.

Crossdressing evolution
After a time, the act of crossdressing becomes less arousing to most crossdressers. The desire to masturbate while crossdressed subsides and is replaced by a feeling of wholeness and calmness. The act of crossdressing becomes very relaxing rather than sexually stimulating.

In some crossdressers, the masturbation phase never really ends. Crossdressing remains linked to sexual arousal and the act of crossdressing is typically accompanied by masturbation or sex with a partner. These are, in fact, fetish crossdressers. There are many complexities and variations to this so please forgive my simplification for purposes of discussing the fetish myth.

It is important to remember that even though crossdressing is a fetish for some, it does not (in and of itself) make them perverts or otherwise bad people. Having a sexual fetish of some kind (and there are many) is very common. Most people who indulge in a sexual fetish are very normal, productive members of society.

Although uncertain of the statistical numbers on this, my experience in online crossdressing communities indicates that the majority of crossdressers and t-girls no longer experience sexual arousal as a result of crossdressing.

That beautiful t-girl in the mirror
Long after the masturbation phase has ended, it is still possible for a crossdresser to be attracted to their own feminine image. Heterosexual men, which make up the majority of crossdressers, are attracted to feminine beauty. Seeing a beautiful woman can be very sexually arousing. That does not change when the “beautiful woman” is one’s own reflection in the mirror.

It might seem crazy, but it’s perfectly logical
To many non-crossdressers, the idea of one being sexually attracted to oneself may seem crazy, if not laughable. This belief is mainly a byproduct of society’s level of sexual repression, social taboos, and general lack of knowledge. It’s not some weird mental illness or perversion, just a misunderstood fact of life.

Many genetic women are also attracted to feminine beauty
If the idea of a crossdressing man being attracted to his own feminine image in the mirror seems crazy, how about a straight, non-crossdressing woman being attracted to her own feminine image in the mirror? Crazy or not, it exists. I am uncertain as to what extent, but believe that the majority of ultra feminine/girly women are, at least sometimes, attracted to their own feminine beauty.

I documented my own wife’s attraction to herself in the mirror in this article. If you take some time to read it, you will learn that this is not unique to just her.

It doesn’t make it a fetish
Because many crossdressers can and will sometimes be attracted to their own feminine image in the mirror, masturbation and sex are usually never completely removed from the equation. Unlike the masturbation phase in which the act of crossdressing itself is sexually arousing, this kind of sexual arousal is triggered by the sight/presence of feminine beauty – a natural response in heterosexual men, and sometimes women as well.

An interesting double standard
If you took the time to read the linked article above, you know that my wife will sometimes masturbate while fully dressed in women’s clothing. Does this mean my wife has a fetish about dressing up as a woman? If that were true, she’d be in an almost constant state of arousal, and yet that is not the case.

Most crossdressers have a very strong feminine side. It is why we crossdress in the first place – to express and explore our feminine side. If it is not a fetish for a woman to wear woman’s clothing, why then would it be for a crossdressing man when all other elements (aside from the obvious) are equal? The answer is, it is not a fetish. Unless a man is aroused by the act of wearing women’s clothing or only crossdresses for sexual purposes, it’s not a fetish for him.

Cowardly haters
People who equate crossdressing with a sexual fetish so long as there are any elements (at all) of sexual gratification (ever) involved in crossdressing, are usually just doing so in an effort to perpetuate the idea of crossdressing as a disgraceful activity.

Because sex and masturbation are still fairly taboo (more so the latter) in mainstream society, anything related to them is often frowned upon by the masses. In addition, when mainstream society (or elements there of) are uncomfortable with something, usually only the “negative” or taboo elements are brought up in order to persuade others into believing the same.

Sexual gratification is usually not the motivation…
When most crossdressers masturbate or have sex while wearing women’s clothes, it is usually not the reason they crossdress. Many things in life are simply more enjoyable while crossdressed. This includes, but is certainly not limited to, sexual activities.

…but sometimes it is
On occasion, a genetic woman will get dressed up in her most attractive attire and do her makeup just right in order to incite sexual attraction from a man. Most people consider this pretty normal. It’s usually a big part of the dating ritual for women, although I’m happy to say my wife still makes a good effort in her appearance (from dress to makeup) to attract sexual attention from me at times. I can also attract sexual attention from my wife by doing the same. What kind of fool would not take advantage of something that can almost guarantee an amazing sexual experience?

I crossdress because it is simply a part of who I am. It is enjoyable on many fronts, including sexual activities. Being alive is enjoyable on many fronts, including sexual activities. Even so, I’ve never heard someone equate life itself with a sexual fetish.

Why would one fetish seem so crazy when compared to the others?
Even though crossdressing is not a sexual fetish for most crossdressers, it is a fetish some. Is that really a problem? There is a fetish for just about everything from toe-sucking to scat. If you’re unfamiliar of the latter term, look it up and then tell me if you think fetish crossdressers are really so bad. If you said “yes”, I’ll think you’re full of crap… literally. But who am I to judge anyone for their fetish? Does it matter terribly what people do, so long as they do not harm others while doing so?

In conclusion
Fetish crossdressers crossdress with sexual activity in mind and as their motivation. For the majority of crossdressers, sexual activity is not the motivation for crossdressing. It is simply the exploration of feminine self expression.

Crossdressing, sex, and masturbation are somewhat intertwined, but only because LIFE, sex and masturbation are equally intertwined.

 
Related content: Crossdressing Myths

 

This myth is fairly common among (unaccepting) loved ones of crossdressers and subsequently many crossdressers themselves. In online transgendered communities, countless times crossdressers have expressed guilt about being themselves sighting this exact myth as the source of their guilty feelings.

Myth: Crossdressing is a purely selfish act and the time spent crossdressing could be better spent doing more productive things. Fact: Crossdressig is no more selfish than time spent reading a good book, watching TV/movies, exploring a personal hobby, or any other activity of personal interest.

We’ll start out by examining the meaning of the word “selfish” and then get into why there is little merit to this myth.

Marriam-Webster definition:
Selfish (adjective):
(1) concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
(2) arising from concern with one’s own welfare or advantage in disregard of others: a selfish act

Dictionary.com definition:
Selfish (adjective):
(1) devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
(2) characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

As these definitions indicate, being selfish involves a certain level of disregard for the welfare of others. How exactly does crossdressing interfere with or show disregard for the welfare of others? The short answer is: it does not.

Crossdressing requires an investment of time and money. It varies from one person to the next depending on personal style, depth, and duration of time spent crossdressed. Some crossdressers do so openly in the company of their spouses and/or families, and sometimes out in public. Some choose to only crossdress in private.

Now I’m going to repeat the same general paragraph, substituting crossdressing for a model train enthusiast. The point I’m making should become clear.

Building a model train set requires an investment of time and money. It varies from one person to the next depending on personal interest, depth, and duration of time spent with the model train set. Some model train enthusiasts do so openly in the company of their spouses and/or families, and sometimes at public at shows/events. Some choose to only indulge in private.

The father of one of my childhood friends was a very serious model train enthusiast. He had quite an elaborate set up in his basement, complete with a miniature town, buildings that had working lights, moving railway road-block arms, detailed geography, grass and trees, and the train even blew smoke out of its stack. The model trains themselves were rather impressive chugging by with their intricate wheel mechanisms, functional train-whistle, and passenger cars that also had working lights. The whole set up was enormous and filled up about a third of the entire basement (in a closed off room). This was 30 years ago, mind you. Some pretty serious electronic technology of the time was being utilized. I can only imagine how many hours were spent assembling everything and time necessary to maintain the the small, intricate moving parts, let alone the cost of it all. It must have been very expensive because he protected the set up with a vengeance. We weren’t allowed near it without him in the room… and he reminded us of that every time we went in the basement to play Atari (old school gaming, for you younger folks).

I was just a kid at the time, but I think it’s safe to say that no one questioned this man’s love and enthusiasm for his amazing model train set and collection. The time devoted to his hobby was probably not considered a “selfish act” by his family or friends. I wonder if his wife ever had a problem with the amount of money spent on it.

The rules are very different for crossdressers though. The time spent crossdressing is often considered a “selfish act”. Why is that? Money spent on acquiring female clothing, makeup, and accessories is often seen as part of the selfish act because it might have been “spent more wisely on other things”. Does this same logic apply to the purchase of expensive model train components?

The general reason one is considered “a selfish act”, and the other not, is because many people are uncomfortable with the idea of a man crossdressing in female clothing. People are taught to be uncomfortable about this from a young age because it does not conform to currently acceptable social norms. It’s a bit like sex – most parents are embarrassed to discuss the subject of sex with their young children. Kids are taught not to ask about or even mention it, often in a punishing tone. This embarrassment was taught to them by their own parents (and other grownups) when they were kids, because their parents were embarrassed by the subject as well. It works much the same with crossdressing – the discomfort and detest is taught and passed down from generation to generation. Unlike the subject of sex, with crossdressing there is often no “acceptable age” at which time it becomes ok to discuss or acknowledge as a normal human trait. Instead, it remains a problem with many people. The reason has a lot to do with the lack of knowledge about and social stigma attached to crossdressing. It’s a lot easier to perpetuate the negative stigma than it is to acknowledge the truth and reality.

Truth be told, some crossdressers are in fact selfish – at least in some aspects of their lives. It has little to do with their crossdressing however, but rather the kind of person the are. The same can be said about many non-crossdressers as well. The world is full of people who do selfish things. Some happen to be crossdressers. Some happen to be model train enthusiasts.

If you think it’s ridiculous to compare crossdressing with being a model train enthusiast (in this context), please enlighten me as to why by leaving a comment below. I think it is ridiculous how society treats and vilifies such harmless and perfectly normal activities as crossdressing.

I know, most people do not consider crossdressing “normal”. There was also a time when most people did not consider being left-handed “normal”, or blacks drinking out of the same drinking fountain as whites “normal”. Luckily, most people have realized how idiotic those notions are. Society has, in many ways, become more enlightened and grown up. There is a long way yet to go, however. How much more growing up do you need to do?

I’ve often thought about the unaccepting families and loved one’s of crossdressers as being selfish when they ask their loved ones to stop crossdressing. It is selfish to ask someone to change who they are for you own personal benefit – in this case to ease your discomfort and/or embarrassment about their crossdressing. It displays disregard for the welfare of the crossdresser’s personal happiness. We are all entitled to the pursuit of happiness in life. There’s nothing selfish about that.

 
Related content: Crossdressing Myths

 

The cable guy made a house call at the Hermosa household recently. When he spoke to greet me, I realized immediately that the gable guy was really the cable gal. My wife and I both mistook her for a him. Honestly, she really did look more like a him than a her. Just to be clear, I’m not picking on her appearance in any way, shape, or form – only indicating that she looked male based on her physical appearance alone. The point I’m getting to is how society is very accepting of women who dress and look masculine in appearance. Society is not accepting of men who dress and look feminine in appearance. Why does this only work one way and not the other?

The cable gal who made our house call was an absolute pleasure to deal with. Our DVR had to be rebooted a couple of times which allowed her and I to enjoy several minutes worth of good, non-cable related conversation. She was courteous, kind, polite and remained completely professional and patient while I told her what I thought was wrong with our DVR. Of course, I was wrong and she was right, but it was rather cool of her to allow my indulgence in trying a few things that she knew would not remedy the problem.

What if it were the other way around. What if the cable lady turned out to be a really feminine looking guy, perhaps even a all-out crossdresser? In our home, he or she would be more than welcome as I’m a crossdresser and understand it (as does my wife). What about another home? Would other people allow into their home a man who looked female in appearance, with the exception of his voice? If so, would they scrutinize everything he did because he was a crossdresser? Perhaps they might feel that he didn’t know what he was doing because he’s one of those “crazy”, “weird-o”, “not normal” crossdressers, right? It is unlikely we’ll know the answer to any of these questions any time soon. I don’t think the cable company would allow a male to female crossdresser to be dressed en femme while on duty. I’m guessing that would be grounds for termination of employment. But… our cable gal looked just like a guy! She wore a loose fitting t-shirt, baggy guy-jeans, short cropped hair, no makeup whatsoever, she walked like a guy, etc. If I had seen her out in public and never heard her speak, she would have appeared to be just another guy.

One argument is that it’s not considered crossdressing when a woman presents herself in a masculine form. It’s probably not even considered “masculine” by most, so much as it is simply functional attire. Who says women need to dress feminine or wear makeup? Well, I don’t. I honestly don’t care how she was dressed. I DO care that I’m not allowed to dress how I’m comfortable dressing without people laughing at, ridiculing, or even wanting to cause harm to me for doing so.

Let’s ponder a similar house call being made in the 1950′s. TV repair instead of cable, as cable was not yet around. How would this have played out if all other elements were the same? A female, who was predominately male in appearance, shows up at a house to fix a TV. To find out about how this might have played out, I did some research.

Both my parents were kids in the 1950′s, so I spoke to each separately about it (omitting the part about the woman looking masculine). They both agreed that it would have been highly unusual to see a woman show up to repair anything in that time period because women were typically only employed as factory workers, nurses, teachers, and secretaries. Both parents said the repair woman would have been allowed in the house to take care of the job, though eyebrows would have been raised. They agreed it would have definitely been something spoken about to others after the fact because it would have been a very odd, highly usual situation worthy of sharing. Again – this is just a woman showing up to repair a TV in the 1950′s and yet that alone was considered highly unusual at the time. What was highly unusual back then is perfectly normal now.

I went more in depth with my mother asking: what if the TV still didn’t work when the repair woman was finished? My mother indicated that her father (my grandfather) would have believed it was because they sent a woman to do the job and women were not seen as competent with such things. In other words, grandpa in the 1950′s would have considered the woman to have not been smart enough to fix the TV because she’s only a girl. If a man was not able to fix the TV, then the TV was simply not repairable. This was a perfectly normal and widely accepted way of thinking in the 1950′s. It would be considered an outrage today to entertain the notion of a woman not being smart enough to fix [whatever] simply because she’s a woman (and not a man).

I also asked my mother about the woman appearing a bit on the scruffy side, but stopped short of asking if she looked male in appearance. She said women simply did not look scruffy back then. I asked her to ponder the hypothetical situation of a repair woman showing up at the house to fix the TV, her uniform is that of a mans, her hair is not neatly combed, and her hands and face are somewhat gritty from previous house calls. She explained that grandpa would not have let an unclean or not-neatly dressed woman into the house back then, and then reiterated that women simply did not go out in public not properly dressed, neat and clean in the 1950′s.

Although not a perfect then and now comparison, it was interesting to learn about. I think it is safe to say that had a repair woman looked male in appearance in the 1950′s, she may not have been allowed in many homes. I also think this hypothetical situation is probably just too unlikely for anyone (that I have access to) to offer better answers.

Obviously women have come a long way in what is considered normal for them to do as a profession, and in what is normal in regard to their personal appearance. If a woman shows no signs of femininity today, it is something that most people won’t give a second thought about.

Men on the other hand, have made no progress whatsoever. It’s all masculinity, all the time, or else. Or else what? I think we all know the answer to that: “A man has to be a man. Otherwise something is wrong with him.” I was often made fun of for not being masculine enough when growing up. I’m a man. I’m equipped as a man, physically, and I can do anything any other man can do, more or less. Actually, I can do more. I can walk very comfortably in high heels and look great in lipstick, just to name a couple. Of course, that is where most other men have a problem with me and many will tell you that I’m no man at all if I dress like a woman. I beg to differ, but that is the sad state of things today. We’re still stuck in the 1950′s when it comes to transgender issues.

How much longer will the 1950′s attitude toward crossdressers continue? I know that in time, society will grow up and be better educated on these realities. I’m not certain if the change will come soon enough for me to enjoy much benefit from it but I’ll do what I can to make a difference. There are plenty of people who will stand in the way of change and do their best to prevent it or at least slow it down. It is important that there are also plenty of people willing to fight for change and take the time to help educate the public about the realities of crossdressing. I pray that this website and my writing is at least a little useful in that regard.