Plenty of (non-crossdressing) people seem to believe that crossdressing is nothing more than a personal choice. They think that for whatever reason, some guys just decide to go against the grain of society and wear women’s clothing and makeup. Maybe they also believe that we enjoy the ridicule and rejection we often face as a result of our “choice”.
Myth: A crossdresser chooses to dress in women’s clothes, doesn’t need to, and can also choose to stop. Fact: Crossdressing is a very necessary outlet for feminine self-expression in some men. It is no more a choice than choosing to be left-handed or right-handed.
It’s difficult to find a good analogy that will properly illustrate the inaccuracy of this crossdressing myth. There are many comparisons that can be made, but few carry enough weight to suitably convey the reality. Because most (non-crossdressing) people are accepted in society as they are, it is nearly impossible to explain the fundamental need for self-expression and the devastating negative emotional and psychological consequences one can suffer when deprived of their ability to do so.
Semantics
There is some truth to this myth, though only in the unintended literal translation. For most people, clothing, style and outward appearance involves a lot of personal choice. In that respect, what people wear is by their own choice. It is, with few exceptions, true across the board, regardless of gender or gender identity. I’m addressing the myth of crossdressing (as in any crossdressing, ever), being a personal choice and not the fact that most do not crossdress 24/7.
Society and self-expression
Everyone has a basic need for self-expression. How a person chooses to present themselves to the world often plays an important role. Some go to great lengths to make themselves appear and feel more attractive, whereas others simply aim to be comfortable rather than do anything extra for appearance sake. Whether dressing to impress or just for comfort, the freedom to do so as one desires is very important, and usually taken for granted. What would happen if that freedom was somehow diminished or taken away all together? I’ll explore that to some extent later in this article.
Legally, we’re free to dress as we choose. Socially, there can be a heavy price to pay for going against widely accepted forms of self-presentation. The social consequences of crossdressing vary heavily from one place to the next. In some places, people actually recognize the fact that we’re fellow human beings, we’re shown respect and even welcomed. In most places, we’re seen as deviant freaks – sub-human creatures not worthy of respect or even the “right” to be out in public.
Taboo personal traits
Generally speaking, crossdressing men have a strong feminine side. Much like artists have a need to express their creativity through art, crossdressers have the need to express their feminine side through crossdressing. Not many people have a problem with artists expressing their creativity in their artwork. Of course, it’s a very different story when a man expresses his feminine side in the form of crossdressing.
Does an artist choose to be creative and create art? Yes, and no. There is often a choice made in when to create art, but with few exceptions, most artists simply need to explore their creative ideas by creating art (in whatever form). A very talented friend of mine has little control over his need to explore artistic ideas. He’ll literally sketch drawings on pretty much anything: school papers, notepads, book covers, napkins, walls, tables, his hand, etc. No one ever questions his need to create art or thinks of him poorly for doing so. He’s gotten in trouble for drawing on papers in school and at work, but that’s an entirely different matter of misplaced attention and has nothing to do with the activity of creating art itself.
Does a left-handed person choose to write with his/her left hand? Again, the answer isn’t a simple yes or no. A left-handed person is born that way, as is an artistic type, and transgender. They can choose (or be forced) not to use or write with their left-hand, but it is unnatural to write with their other. Writing skills suffer when not allowed to write with the hand that was genetically encoded as the favored/predominant one. The point is that their true potential will never be reached if not allowed to develop as nature intended. As ridiculous as it may sound, there was once a social stigma to being left-handed, and it still exists in some places. Do a little research for yourself. There has been plenty written on this subject. Although conceptually similar, the consequences for not allowing a crossdresser to express his feminine side are a significantly more profound than a lefty being forced to be a righty.
By choice or by necessity
In most cases, crossdressers can and do stop crossdressing for short durations in time. Perhaps this is where some people mistake crossdressing as a personal choice, because it is usually not exercised all of the time. For many, the need to be crossdressed and explore feminine self-expression is effectively satisfied in the occasional indulgence, be it every few days, weekly, monthly, etc. Most crossdressers live and carry out their day-to-day lives as men, looking like men. Because of the social stigma and related complications, the opportunity to crossdress isn’t always available, so more often than not, breaks from it become necessary. It’s part of the price we (crossdressers) pay for living in a society that is so very strict in its “all masculine, all the time” imposition upon men.
Social peer pressure
Crossdressing is no more a choice than being left or right-handed. A lefty can be taught to write with his/her right hand, but there’s nothing natural about it and there are consequences. Crossdressers can also be “taught”, or more accurately put, shamed, conditioned, and even brainwashed into not crossdressing. If you’re surrounded by people who repeatedly tell you that you’re an “ass”, you will start to believe it yourself.
Consequences of choice
What exactly are the consequences of choosing not to crossdress? What could possibly go wrong if someone were to simply stop? As stated, crossdressing is the main outlet for feminine self-expression in men that have a strong feminine side. Also as stated, everyone has a very real need to express themselves – including personal traits that are (senselessly) frowned upon by society. Self-expression is not always tied to one’s personal appearance or attire, but take away the ability for someone to exercise the form of self-expression that is most meaningful to them and rest assured, there will be negative consequences as a result. A diminished sense of happiness and not feeling like oneself is just the beginning. Throw in time and prolonged restriction from self-expression, and it will come out in a variety of negative ways, including but not limited, to anger management difficulties, confusion, discontentment, frustration, changes in appetite/weight, and depression.
Caving under pressure
Most crossdressers at some time or another do try to stop crossdressing. The perceived need to stop is caused by the overwhelming reinforcement by society that crossdressing is wrong, immoral, sick, silly and a number of other negative (and incorrect) assessments. Out of frustration and usually a sense of feeling “crazy” a crossdresser may discard or purge all of their feminine clothes, makeup, and accessories. For a time, there may be some satisfaction felt in purging – a false sense of resolve in conforming to “normality”. After a while, sometimes almost immediately following a purge, many crossdressing men feel a great sense of loss. In online transgendered communities, many crossdressers have expressed feeling “naked” and not like themselves after purging.
Consequences of my own choices
I spent most of my life trying to rid myself of the demon I considered crossdressing to be. My mother caught me crossdressing in my youth. I was scolded, taught it was “wrong”, and began to truly hate myself because it wasn’t only something I felt the need to do, but also something I really enjoyed. Convinced I was crazy and worthless, I suffered from low self-esteem, constant guilt, debilitating depression and wanted to die. I attempted suicide a number of times, and subsequently ended up in a psychiatric hospital after literally having my life saved in the emergency room. It took many years for me to really figure out what this “crazy” crossdressing thing was all about. I realized that the demon within me was really just a misunderstood blessing; a gift if you will. Rather than hating myself for being this way, I decided to embrace this aspect of my life and found a great sense of happiness and relief in doing so. In allowing myself to truly be myself, I finally achieved a sense of peace and calmness where there was once only confusion, self-loathing, and pain. The personal price I paid for trying to conform to society’s “gender rules” is substantial. Years of my life were needlessly wasted in confusion and depression – time I can never have back. I can’t help but wonder how many other crossdressers and transgendered people are still running from their phantom demon – in other words, running from themselves.
Opinion and belief vs. reality
In reality, there is nothing wrong with a man’s need for feminine self-expression and therefore nothing wrong with crossdressing. Popular social opinion greatly differs, but it does not change the reality anymore than believing the world is flat can actually cause it to be true. Centuries ago, to suggest the world was not flat was considered blasphemous. Popular opinion can influence how people think and feel about realities, but it does not change reality itself.
The herd mentality that crossdressing is wrong or abnormal is absolutely ridiculous… yet sadly widely accepted by cattle… or rather by people. When people choose to exhibit lack of intelligence consistent with that of a herd of cattle, then the comparison works, does it not?
‘Choosing’ to be naive
Crossdressers and transgendered people in general take a lot of heat from society for being ourselves. People often don’t understand us, having been misinformed or perhaps not informed at all. Many people do not want to understand us – they grew up “learning” that we’re just a bunch of “deviant freaks” and sleep better at night clinging to and believing the same garbage they’ve been fed all their lives.
This form of being naive is a choice. Maybe not at first, but when one chooses to remain comfortably in the dark about certain realities in life, even after being presented with the truth, their intelligence level is consistent with that of the bovine meat I consume for dinner.
Needs and choices
Crossdressing is not a choice, but instead a simple need – one that society has chosen to make a big deal about. Everyone has needs in their life. Most needs fall within socially accepted “norms” and therefore do not end up under the magnifying glass of social scrutiny. When needs conflict with social taboos, people come up with all kinds of ways of demonizing them. Trying to belittle crossdressing as a simple “choice” is but one of many naive ways people try to shame us out of being who we are.
Conclusion
In my life, it’s not about crossdressing being a choice, it’s about choosing to be who I am. I like who I am. There’s nothing wrong with me, nor any crossdresser/transgender for that matter – at least not because of this aspect.
When it comes to choices, choosing to be oneself is the most intelligent and rewarding. Choosing to renounce oneself and live a lie simply to conform to social standards and pressures only leads to unhappiness and discontentment. As for me, I choose to be myself. There’s your “choice” explained.
Related content: Crossdressing Myths
Tags: crossdressing, myths, society, transgender
By Petra Bellejambes on Aug 14, 2009 | Reply
Querida y Linda Gabrielle,
Once again Madam Ambassador a fine post. I think you nailed a complex issue nicely. I hope you have as many non-crossdressing readers as cross dressers visiting your site. That would really help break a lot of the ice around all of us.
Happy weekend!
By Gabrielle on Aug 14, 2009 | Reply
Thank you, Petra! :) I do not know that I have yet earned the title “Madam Ambassador”, but love the sound of it! :) Earn it I will though, one myth-busting at a time, and in public speaking that I’m working toward.
I have very few non-crossdressing visitors and they (sadly) do not browse much when landing here (usually via Google searches for non-cd/tg content). It is my hope and desire to get through to non-transgendered people. Although much of the content (especially the crossdressing myths) will be meaningful and helpful to some of our cd-sisters, it is generally written to make sense to and intended to be found by non-crossdressers. I hope to burst the bubbles of all the haters, and educate about the realities for those who seek to learn what it’s all about. Helping tg life make a little more sense to our confused sisters is always high on my list as well.
May your weekend be a beautiful one, Petra, filled with sheer joy. :)
By Lynn Jones on Aug 14, 2009 | Reply
A top post indeed. On the subject of creativity, I once asked a writer (at a book reading) what he’d do if he didn’t get published. He said he’d still write, it was something he just did; he couldn’t imagine life not doing that. Rang a few bells that did :)
I think a person make a choice to act a certain way, but I don’t they person can deny who they are. An act? It’s just pretense isn’t it. :)
Given the depth you’ve given this subject, have you considered sending these myth busting articles in to a magazine or non-TG website?
By Gabrielle on Aug 14, 2009 | Reply
Thanks, Lynn. :) Just like my friend needs to constantly be drawing something, I can totally see how a natural born writer will always write, regardless of being published. As with our feminine outer appearance and self-expression through makeup, pretty clothes, and high heels, a writer’s main outlet for self-expression is that of written word. It is not something that can just be turned off like a light switch. A writer needs to write. A sketch-artist needs to draw. A man with a strong feminine side needs to crossdress. I can’t wait for the day when mainstream society understands it… I’ll probably be too old to don any of my favorite miniskirts, but I believe I’ll live long enough to see that day. God bless the next generation of t-girls (or maybe the gen after that), for they will walk among the rest of society out in the open, looking beautifully feminine, and no one will look down upon them for all people will see is other people.
In terms of the crossdressing myths, I often have to chop out much (sometimes most) of what I write on each topic just to make it a somewhat reasonable length for this medium. I plan to go back and complete each myth in time, returning the removed text, expanding upon rushed ideas, and elaborating on various aspects that are only implied in their current form. The expanded crossdressing myths will not be published on the internet but rather a different medium. What you see here is but a sampling to wet the appetite… and hopefully enough to get through to those who seek the truth about it all. :)
By debbie on Aug 15, 2009 | Reply
Gaby, I still love this site and visit it quite often.I loved your myth buster on choice. It has always been my choice to express myself in a femme manner for I am more comfy as a female than a man. I have never purged for this is one area of my life that I am not willing to part with. My family has been supportive of me and they view it as a need for my mental health.
You know I have other issues for you highlighted my issues under dear Gaby. I did start HRT 3 days ago and it will be a slow process for my age supposedly plays a major factor, but I am on my way to be WHO I AM!
My choice to once be cd has now deminished…I am transgendered and have been transexual all my life, and after visiting my therapist on Thursday agrees. She gave me a couple of test to take and I am more femme than masculine, yet I have a masc. body in which I am hoping to change through the use of estrogen and blockers. This is my CHOICE. It is not something I will not ever deny myself of, or my inner being. I am more than a human being…I am a HUMAN BECOMING.
By Gabrielle on Aug 15, 2009 | Reply
Debbie, I am so happy to hear you’ve intelligently worked out what path you need to take in order to find peace and happiness in your life. :) Based on your comment, I’m not sure you ever truly were a cd, but rather a transsexual that never had the opportunity to (physically) exist in the way you’ve always felt inside.
With a supportive family behind you and a better understanding of yourself, I believe you’re “choice” to finally be yourself, your true self, is a very smart one.
I’m glad you enjoy this site and hope you’ll continue to visit. Don’t let the name of the website fool you though – this is not just about “my cd life”, as in only mine, and only crossdressing, but more importantly about realities in life itself and exploring the human condition… or as I put it (for now), “exploring the social taboo of being oneself”. It is my hope that soon society will stop looking at people like us, whatever end of the transgender spectrum we occupy, as deviants and freaks, and understand that we are in fact human. It should never be a social taboo to simply exist as oneself. There is no humanity in that.
By X-Out on Aug 20, 2009 | Reply
These are incredibly helpful and insightful points that we can use to combat the stigma out there. We live in a closed system where the rules are set and not easily changed, and for most, finding refuge elsewhere (cheaply) isn’t possible. Thanks for the great post.
By Gabrielle on Aug 21, 2009 | Reply
Thanks, X-Out, and you’re welcome. :) Rules are not easily changed, the system is often stacked against us, and we’ve got a long way to go, but we will get there (as a society). It is important to set the record straight and present the facts. Not everyone will choose to pay mind to the truth, but at least it’s here, available, and not easily argued against.
By loverofcrossdresser on Sep 25, 2010 | Reply
Hello, I am a woman who dearly loves a young man who confided in me that he is a crossdresser. I never really knew much about the subject before and found this site in a desire to better understand my lover. He is not comfortable with this aspect of himself and is trying to suppress it and he is in such turmoil it pains me greatly to see. I love him and think he is incredibly sexy as a man and as a woman. We have been dating for a year and in hindsight I realize that some of the very things I love the most are his “feminine” traits.(which incidentally I see as caring human traits) I am happy to accept him in whatever outer appearance he chooses to display because he is the same wonderful person inside as always. However, he is less accepting and occasionally dresses, then hates himself, purges, then swears he will never do it again. I am still learning and I think he is too really but I will be there for him through his journey. I want to thank you and let you know that you have helped educate at least one person. :)
By Gabrielle on Sep 26, 2010 | Reply
Thanks for sharing, loverofcrossdresser. :) I’m happy to hear my writing has been helpful to you… and very sorry to hear that your lover is struggling with this aspect of his life. I know exactly how that feels and it isn’t easy to overcome. I DID overcome those terrible feelings, though, and your lover can, too. :)
I really liked how you pointed out that the “feminine” traits you love about your significant other are, more importantly (and accurately) simply human traits. It’s amazing how many people don’t get that… and completely insane that so many men try so hard to suppress those (positive) traits JUST because others may see them as “feminine”.
The main problem your lover has – that which makes him uneasy and hate himself, is deeply rooted in the conflict between who he is as a person, and who he believes (and very incorrectly so) that he has to be or should be based on society’s “mutually agreed upon” rules of how male humans shall exist. If the social taboo and stigma were removed from the equation, it is unlikely there would be any personal conflict within him or any other transgender person.
You found your way to this site – why not direct your significant other this way, too? I hated myself for most of my life because there was no one there to explain the REALITIES to me. My head was filled with all the idiotic lies that society filled it with and I was left to work this out on my own (and to some extent, chose to work through it on my own). It doesn’t need to be that way for your lover. There is nothing wrong with who he is. The problem lies within society’s relative unwillingness to accept differences in people. Please – direct him this way and maybe sit with him while going through things.
You have my admiration and respect for being so open-minded and accepting of your lover as he is, and supportive to him. :) The world needs more people like you.
By Samantha on Dec 31, 2010 | Reply
Gabrielle,
Thank you for posting this, it means a lot to me. I never knew what was ‘wrong’ with me, but now I do…NOTHING!!
Sure I knew I was an outsider, looking in and wondering why I was ‘out there’. But as I journeyed onward, I discovered the most important thing… I was not alone!
Your writing is amazingly insightful and your thoughts are clear and make a whole lot of sense. Thank you you for voicing yourself and saying what really needs to be said… we are people too!
Love,
~Samantha~
By Gabrielle on Dec 31, 2010 | Reply
Thanks for chiming in, Samantha. I appreciate the kind words, and you’re very welcome! :) No – there’s nothing wrong with you and you’re definitely not alone. That whole “conformity” thing imposed on us really does a number on how we feel about ourselves. I’m happy to hear you’ve grown beyond the black and white options of conformity and are continuing to “journey onward”. I hope your journey is filled with much love, beauty, happiness, and fulfillment. If ever you experience bumps or weak moments, just remember – you’re NOT alone… not by a long shot!
By Kirsten on Jan 18, 2011 | Reply
Hi Gabi,
This article definitely hits on a lot of points that I feel all tgirls, myself included, as well as the society we live in need to be aware of. Even having accepted myself for who I am I never get tired of reading uplifting pieces like this because I feel that the process of self assurance/approval is an ongoing process. Whether someone has been crossdressing for a short while or for several years, I would dare to say the speed bumps can always come back for any number of reasons. Even things unrelated to cross dressing have led me to question the things I do including my love of getting end femme. Every article I’ve read on this site has given me a lot of strength and I can’t thank you enough!
As far as dealing with the choice matter, I think puberty serves a big part in how we begin to define ourselves and the world around us. Most of us discovered our tgirl self before puberty and it was innocent then as it is now. However when we grow older, we learn to exercise our ability to choose. A normal teenager learns to think they can control and choose everything. The idea of a love of crossdressing that is not a choice but rather a part of who you are is scary. It seems only natural to think that we can control it or choose not to do it as easily as we can change the tv channel, and the realization that this is not the fact is scary as hell for a teen. Especially so when society has deemed it as an undesirable act that is frowned upon. It is only when one accepts themself and how they can use choice to make their life better that they can move on a path of self fulfillment. This is the path I’m taking and hope to never stray from! Hope I got that out as coherently as possible, just don’t wanna jump to assumptions or misrepresent my point. Being in my early 20s I must admit this all still seems very new to me.
Thank you always!
~Kirsten :)
By Gabrielle on Jan 18, 2011 | Reply
Hi Kirsten. You’re very welcome. :) I’m so happy to hear that my writing has been uplifting and meaningful to you. In your early 20′s, you are already light years ahead of where I was at that age.
You’re right – you will experience bumps along the way. That is true for everyone in life, though, not just trans folk. Being trans and going against the “socially accepted norm of today” does complicate things more, but I think it is important for everyone to realize and understand that EVERYONE experiences bumps in life. What is important is to understand that’s universal and NOT to blame those bumps on being trans. It may be some time before mainstream society really begins to understand trans folk and be more accepting. If it helps in the meantime, just know and understand that doctors and psychiatric professionals do **not** regard being transgender as a disorder or mental illness. Never let popular *opinion* of people who don’t understand get under your skin. You’re not the one with the problem – THEY are. Just because there may be more of them than you, does not change the reality that there is *nothing* wrong with who you are.
You’re on the right path Kirsten. I certainly hope you’ll continue down it and never look back to the days of confusion and guilt. Never forget the realities. If/when life gets to be a bit much, then try to take things in stride and know that those hard times are always temporary. We all have choices in life. Choose to be yourself, always, and live life to the fullest, as the beautiful person you are! :)
By Wendae on May 4, 2011 | Reply
Very well done! I’m approaching 70 and have only recently received my wife’s(of 46 yrs)ok to dress at home in her presence. I have gone thru years of mental hell and purgings and at last some breathing room to be Wendae.
By Gabrielle on May 5, 2011 | Reply
Hi Wendae. Thanks for sharing, and I’m happy to hear that your wife has shown more support in recent times. I understand the “mental hell” thing all too well. Been there, done that. It’s a damn shame so many of us waste so many years trying to conform to social expectations and figure out what’s wrong with us, when there was really nothing wrong in the first place. It’s all just a matter of social “norms”, lack of knowledge (and lack of availability of knowledge), and the confusion that results when social “norms” conflict with very normal, albeit often unpopular, realities of being trans.
Enjoy your “breathing room” and live a little easier and happier now, Wendae. Better late than never, right? :)
By zari on May 5, 2011 | Reply
Gabrielle it’s a nice article that only partly meshes with my personal experience.
I started crossdressing when I was 8, like so many others. I’d agree that the desire to crossdress is not a choice, even if what I decide to wear on any given day is a choice. The desire comes and goes seemingly independently of anything else except stress, which reduces the desire. Mostly I only have the desire to crossdress when I am feeling good about life in general.
It’s the part about it expressing a feminine side that doesn’t ring true FOR ME. I’m really just talking about myself here, although I’d be surprised if I’m unique.
All those “feminine” traits such as empathy, nurturing, expressiveness and so on are just a part of the male me. I’ve found ways to express them that mesh perfectly with being a guy. Crossdressing for me feels like something else. In many ways it feels like a very male thing. It is something I like to do because in some way it is what I am not. For me it feels exactly like playing dress up.
As I said I started this as a young boy. When I told my wife about this many years ago, her reaction was not the usual “are you gay, do you want to be a woman, or gee that sounds kinky” It was that it seemed childish.
I’ll admit to that. For me it is childish in that it is playful. As opposed to say, hitting a ball with a stick (which I also like to do) or watching other men hit, throw, or kick balls around a grassy field. This is more like participating in the theater of my own mind.
There is often a sexual component to my choice of clothing, even if my femme clothing usually consists of a casual skirt and womans tee shirt. Great femme clothes for yard work, which is one of the things I like to do. Is planting a garden feminine or masculine? How about mowing the lawn? But that’s okay, sex is in someways just another form of play.
Anyway it was a nice article and my comments are merely to describe myself. Anyone else, take what you like and leave the rest.
Zari
By Gabrielle on May 5, 2011 | Reply
Hi Zari. Thanks for chiming in and sharing. :) I’ve said this many times, crossdressers/trans folk are as varied and different as non-trans folk. The fact that how the “dressing” aspect (or motivation for) differs for you than it does for me or others is right on par with the very *normal* state of each and every one of us being completely individual and unique in our own way.
Are all straight people attracted to the same kind of love interest? How about all gay people? Do all non-trans folk have the same sense of clothing style? Do all sports fans like golf? Are all artists **music composers**? Do all left-handed people feel compelled to seek out thrills in the form of BASE jumping or skydiving? I kind of beat that example to death, but they’re all valid points and good examples of how people who have a single personal trait in common (or even a few) can differ significantly in every other way.
Much of the problems is the social taboo element and stigma associated with crossdressing. Since most (non-trans) folk know little to nothing about how it works, there is often an assumption that all people who fall into this group have the same underlying motivation. Whether they believe it is a sickness, sexual preference, mental illness, or the result of weird genetic experiments performed by aliens – people often clump this all together as being the same general thing. It’s sad, but I think it’s slowly changing as society slowly becomes more aware of things as information becomes more readily available and easily accessible.
I’m glad you enjoyed my article, even if it didn’t apply so much to how things work for you. I’m also very glad you took the time to share a little about yourself and how things work with you. It is unlikely that any visitors will take issue with what you’ve shared (at least not other trans folk). I think most already understand and respect that we’re all different.