You’re a closet crossdresser ready to tell your wife about your feminine side. This may seem like a daunting task, but with some preparation and a good game plan, you can do it. This is my personal opinion and advice on the subject:
Keeping secrets is bad
Lies, secrets, and deception are potent ingredients in the recipe for a failed marriage. Although telling your significant other the truth before taking your vows is always the best course of action, it is often not done for a variety of reasons. Like I was, many are still in a state of confusion or self-denial about their crossdressering when they got married.
In some instances, it may be best to remain in the closet – at least for the time being. If you enjoy a happy family life, have things truly under control, and have reason to believe that coming out may have terrible consequences for your family, perhaps it is best to leave well enough alone. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Ultimately, it is up to each individual to decide what is best for them. My personal opinion is that a woman has the right to know about the man she married, just as the man has the right to be himself without having to hide who he is. Of course, she also has the right to tell him good bye if she feels that his secret is too much for her to take. I’ll address that scenario in more depth later in this article.
Understand who you are
Before initiating this conversation with your wife, you’d better be certain you understand it yourself. If you still have confusion about who or what you are, hold off on the talk. Your wife will probably sense your confusion and may conclude that your crossdressering is a disorder or mental illness – something you need help to overcome like alcoholism or an obsessive compulsion. If you’re still struggling to understand it yourself, I strongly advise seeking therapy with a trained professional before talking to your wife. Most therapists are used to this discussion topic and will be able to help you work through your confusion. You might even consider finding one that specializes in gender identity counseling.
Test the water
If you are concerned about how your wife might react to the news, test the water first. Figure out a way to broach the subject without letting on that it is really about you.
If you think your storytelling skills are up to par, consider just making up a story about a co-worker or someone you know (and your wife does not). Explain that your friend Susan just found out about her husband being a crossdresser. You can either put a positive or negative spin to gauge your wife’s reaction. For instance, Susan found out and was very intrigued and excited by the news, or perhaps she was very upset and was thinking about leaving her husband.
The idea is to get your wife to offer her opinion on the matter without noticeably prompting her to. Understanding where she sits on things before having the talk will offer some insight as to how she will react when you tell her the news.
Don’t play the surprise game
Deciding to come out to your wife by surprising her completely en femme is probably not a good idea. You may want to have a picture or two handy when you talk to her, but do not just spring this on your wife while all dressed up. It may be very shocking and upsetting to her. Even though this is an integral part of your life, you also need to be sensitive to how she may feel and react. Talk first. Introduce your feminine side later.
Timing is everything
It is a good idea to have a specific time set aside to have this important conversation. You may or may not specifically make your wife aware of it ahead of time, so long as you know she’ll be available. Be certain that there will be ample free time in which to let the conversation play out without interruption. This could be a long talk, so plan accordingly.
Hold off on having the conversation if there are currently other matters that weigh heavily on your wife’s mind. For instance, if your wife is working through some kind of personal troubles or your pet dog just died, it’s not a good time. Wait for a time when everything is relatively uneventful.
It’s a gift, not a disease
Regardless of how the general public views crossdressering, it’s not a disorder, mental illness, disease, addiction, or the work of the devil. Psychiatric professionals will explain that crossdressing is perfectly normal, and that it is society that has the problem, not the crossdresser. Do not present this part of your life like some kind of terrible condition or affliction you suffer from. It is a difference, plain and simple. Everyone has differences. It is a part of who you are. You have a beautiful gift to share with your wife. Treat it as such.
It is understandable to feel nervous about this discussion. Even so, remember that how you present this part of your life will influence how well it is received by your wife.
Prepare yourself for the questions
Your wife is probably going to have a plethora of questions and you’d better be prepared to answer each of them and remain cool while doing so. Although you won’t be able to anticipate every question she’ll have, it is a good idea to prepare in-depth answers to some of the more common ones:
“Are you gay?” “Do you want a sex change?” “Are you going to start dressing like this all the time?” “Why didn’t you tell me this before we got married?”, etc.
Put the proper thought into your answers and be completely honest with your wife with each of them. Do not withhold information as it defeats the purpose of this important conversation.
If you are asked questions that you honestly do not immediately have an answer for – defer them until later. You’ll be better off getting back to her with those answers after putting proper thought into them, than if you just blurt out something that may not be entirely accurate as to how you feel. This is an important issue, so take the extra time and do it right. Even though you’re having “the big talk”, in reality coming out it is a process. One cannot expect to cover everything in a single conversation. It will probably be a series conversations over a period of time.
How much to explain in one conversation should be gauged by your wife’s reaction to what you have to say. If she is immediately upset and argumentative, it may be best to stop and let things settle in for a day or two before continuing with this topic of discussion.
Be prepared for potential fallout
Once you’ve delivered the news, there may be some difficult times ahead if your wife doesn’t immediately warm up to the idea. She might require some time to get used to the idea of your feminine side. She might not be entirely happy with it, but still choose to love and accept you as you are.
You have the right to be yourself and express yourself however you choose. You have the right live your life without someone else dictating how you can and cannot dress or present yourself. And your wife has the right to reject you if it is too upsetting or undesirable to her.
Some women will never accept or be happy with a crossdressing man, period. The thought their man in a feminine light might be upsetting and/or turn them off, and there’s not much that can be done to change how they feel. You may be faced with the dreaded ultimatum: “Either give up your crossdressering or I’m leaving you and you’ll never see your children again.” Whether or not she can really deliver on the “never see your children again” part, you may soon find yourself on the road to divorce.
How to deal with an ultimatum is up to you. If you believe you can truly be happy living life as half a person and give up your feminine side/things forever, you might be able to save the marriage. Keep in mind that changing who you are when there is nothing wrong with you, in order to save a relationship, is never a healthy move. A well-trained, licensed therapist will tell you the same. If you have to suppress and deny yourself who you are in order to be accepted and loved, then you are not truly being loved in the first place. You deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are, not just who someone else wants you to be. In addition, your wife deserves to be with someone who does not need to lie or repress his natural human instincts to be himself in order to please her.
Divorce is not the end of the world however. Weigh a lifetime of self-denial and personal turmoil against the idea of temporary heartbreak and hardship with the prospect of finding true happiness on the other side of the pain. After all is said and done, you will have the opportunity to find someone who will love all of you rather than just a part of you (your man-side). There are plenty of women who would enjoy the chance to fall in love with a crossdresser, and even prefer to be with one.
Although not crossdressing related, my parents went through a divorce and it was hard on the whole family. In the end, they both found people more compatible to each. I can honestly say I’ve never seen either of them happier than they are now.
Crossdressering is only one of thousands of things that could result in divorce. The bottom line is that marriages tend to fail when people are not compatible enough, period. Neither one can force their ways on the other and expect real happiness to come of it. Both parties need to be compatible, happy and content with themselves and each other in order for the relationship to work.
I am not advising remaining with or breaking up with a woman who does not accept your crossdressing. My point is to think seriously about the realities and consider your options wisely.
Good luck
Hopefully, your marriage will not come to an end when you explain your feminine side to your wife. Some marriages are greatly enhanced when a man can offer the best of both worlds to his wife. That is how things turned out for my wife and I. After coming out to her, we became even closer we ever have been before. There’s an extensive additional territory to explore and have fun with together. I took a somewhat different approach to telling my wife, but my circumstances were unique to begin with. You can read about how I came out to my wife by clicking the link.
Hopefully this has shed light on some important things that need to be taken into consideration when it is time to have that necessary talk with your wife. Whatever you decide is right for you, I hope the final outcome brings happiness, joy, a sense of wholeness and freedom to your life.
Tags: advice, coming out, crossdressing, divorce, marriage, secrets
By Jessica on May 8, 2009 | Reply
First of all, love the picture. Second, excellent article, you covered all the bases. I really hope that articles like these reach and help the right people. You and I are extremely blessed to have had everything work out for us and our wives.
I love how you say crossdressing is a gift, how true!
By Gabrielle on May 8, 2009 | Reply
Thank you, Jessica. :) We are blessed to have had things work out well for us. We have also both had our struggles. It is important to help those who are still struggling by sharing what we’ve learned and how we overcame adversity in our lives. Things worked out in our lives because we made them work. If we did it, so can others – we are living proof of that.
Crossdressing is a gift. We both understand that. It’s time the rest of the world did as well. :)
By nancy barbara on May 9, 2009 | Reply
You might like this one Gabrielle. We went out to dinner for our 10th Anniversary. At the end of dinner my wife asked what I wanted for my anniversary. I said I wanted to wear her clothes (lingerie in particular). There was a couple at the next table and the woman had a big smile on her face. My wife had her back to the woman and could not see her reaction. Later the lingerie was laid out however it was too small and I could not get them over my shoulders so I had to take up shopping for the proper size. Just another happy story in my unique hobby. As my brother says… (Everyone should have a hobby) Life is good… Enjoy the moment…
By Tanyajane on May 26, 2009 | Reply
Thankyou i have just read this twice and no doubt will read it again and again, the last thing i want to do is upset my wife (more than i have too),
I guess i have only recently acknowledged my own feelings and i know this will help me to approach my wife and listen too and respect her feelings. gawd my heart is in my mouth at the moment. i have not yet dressed fully as Tanyajane just knickers and a nightie but i hope one day to be free to be her with my wife at my side. wish me luck xx
By Gabrielle on May 26, 2009 | Reply
Good luck, Tanyajane! :)
By Michelle on Jun 16, 2009 | Reply
You make make many good points! However, I disagree with one of your suggestions: “consider just making up a story”… [about a cross dresser]. This is lying. It would be better, I think, to find an example from the media, like a news story, a TV show or movie or even on the internet, and use it as a starting point.
But, thanks much for a great article!
By Gabrielle on Jun 16, 2009 | Reply
You make an excellent point about the “making up a story” suggestion, Michelle. I agree, and thank you for pointing that out.
By Kassie on Dec 18, 2009 | Reply
Thank-you for the advice. I am going to tell my wife today. Wish me luck
Kassie
By Gabrielle on Dec 18, 2009 | Reply
Your welcome and I’m wishing you the best of luck, Kassie. Talk to your wife with pride in who you are and I’m sure you will do just fine. I’ll be sending positive thoughts your way. :)
By Erin P on Dec 18, 2009 | Reply
*Hugs* Just be patient hon. Things will be what they will be. Good luck.
By Fancy Nancy on Feb 20, 2011 | Reply
Sorry about the name. Gay family mamber very closeted and we have an agreement. Came to your web site because of the flux of Trani/ gender questioning individuals coming to our support groups. I have been a pflager for 21 yrs and started and facilated support group for straight spouses for many yrs. Thus, the “coming out to spouse” is very interesting to me. Are there ever really secrets in marriage? Families? Secrets hang over a marriage like a black cloud no matter how well hidden. Anyway just heard gender questioning group is attempting to start up a spouses/ partners support group and I think I would like to be involved. So, now that i have gas baged enough can u hook me up with any other groups? Fancy Nancy bio- BA in Communication, professional background Social work. Was in a nasty accident in 07 on disabilty now got a lot of knowledge just looking for a place to use it and continue to learn. Know I don’t need to say this but age 52, look great but insides are in rough shape.
By Gabrielle on Feb 22, 2011 | Reply
Hi Nancy. Yes, secrets are often like looming dark clouds, ready to rain trouble all over a marriage. With some exceptions, it’s just bad to keep secrets in a marriage.
I’m glad you’ve chosen to get involved in a support group because of a loved one. Offering support is so important to those you love. Attempting to truly understand (or come as close as one can get) by getting involved in the sharing and discussion of information, situations, feelings, social pressures, etc., is such a smart thing to do, and can be so very helpful to loved ones, complete strangers, and even to oneself. We almost always learn more about ourselves, too, when we set out to understand differences in others.
In terms of offering guidance toward other groups, that’s a tricky one. If you are looking to understand a greater range of the kind of groups you’ve already been involved in via the internet, your favorite search engine is a good place to start. Type in your general area of interest (such as an issue you’d like to learn about and offer support) and include words such as “forum”, “online community”, “group”, “support”, etc. There are no shortages of online support groups and message forums dedicated to just about everything imaginable people struggle with.
If you’re looking to become involved in more group meetings locally, a similar approach may be good. Again, hit up your favorite search engine and include location in your search queries. I’m not sure if that’s the kind of information you were hoping for, but I hope it helps a little. :)
It sounds like you’ve got a lot (of heart, knowledge, support, and friendship) to share with people, so I do hope you choose to do just that! The world could certainly use more motivated people with a positive outlook, ready and willing to offer a helping hand and just plain be there.
By D.M. on Aug 8, 2011 | Reply
IM MARRIED 30 YRS & MY WIFE DOESN;T KNOW ABOUT MY OUTER SELF!!!! IVE TRIRD TO BROCH THE SUBJECT (HALLOWEEN) BUT SHELL COME UP WITH 20 OTHER COSTUMES FOR ME. A MOVIE ABOUT CROSSDRESSING NO WAY TV SHOW SHELL WALK OUT OF THE ROOM. I THINK I CRACKED THE ICE A LITTLE WE FIGHT ABOUT HAVING KIDS SO I SAID ILL STOP BOTHERING YOU ABOUT A FASMILY IF & I TOLD HER ABOUT ME CROSSDFRESSING WELL IT DID NOT SIT TO WELL BUT WE ACT AS IF SHE …IS ANOTHER PERSON A MAID IF FACT & MY WIFE IS ALWAYS OUT OF THE HOUSAE WHEN THE MAID COMES TO CLEAN A ROOM. ITS ONE ROOM AT A TIME, A MIN OF 3 HRS REQUIRED & A PAYMENT OF EITHER 2 CHOCOLASTE BARS PER HR, OR TWO PAIR PANTY HOSE PER HR. PLEASE COMENT ASAP
By Gabrielle on Aug 8, 2011 | Reply
Hi D.M. It sounds like you’re not having much success in explaining your feminine side to your wife. I understand your desire to be able to explore your crossdressing, but I’m not sure you’re going about things the right way. It kind of sounds like you’re charging forward despite the fact that your wife isn’t too thrilled about what you’ve put out there. If she’s not comfortable and/or not very happy about what you’ve shared so far, I suggest you let it go for a while and not bother her with it. Give her some time to let things sink in and maybe allow her the chance to bring it up to you WITHOUT you initiating the conversation first. In the meantime, crossdressing may need to remain something you explore on your own while keeping it out of your wife’s way. She may eventually be open to talking about it more in the future. She also may never warm up to the idea of you crossdressing. Some women just don’t like to think of their husband like that, and they’re allowed their feelings, just like you’re allowed yours. I recommend you give her time to think about things and not go pushing it. It may not be what you want to hear right now, but maybe you just need to keep crossdressing a private activity for a while. Be patient and let things settle down for a while. Give this article another good read through and ask yourself what you might be able to do better if/when this topic comes up again. For now, try to concentrate on things that the two of you can *both* enjoy together, at least when it comes to time spent together. I’m pretty sure there are many things you can do as a couple that brings joy to you both. What you do with your own personal time is up to you, and I suggest you make the most of that time, too. Hang in there and be patient. :)
By Sandy Martin on Oct 7, 2011 | Reply
I enjoy is every much. I been Saperated from my wife for 5 years now because of my crossdressing and love to a woman. I too can not tell her , I lost everything that day. I think this secret has to be told . My kids are grow and it just her , I think it only far to tell her why I left that day .I can tell I made my marriage a living hell, try to control this . All my friend tell to not to say a thing , and my Doctor , told me to see a Lawyer first . So this my story and Alot of days it hurts. Sandy
By Gabrielle on Oct 8, 2011 | Reply
Hi Sandy. I’m sorry to hear about the pain and difficulties you’ve suffered. It’s not easy being different from the social “norm”. I certainly hope that you’re able to piece things back together in your life and make things work out. Try to remain strong, think things through, work toward achieving emotional stability and figure out where you’d like to be in life. Work out some goals and focus on them. Take it one day at a time, and remember you’re not alone. The pain and suffering you’ve gone through (and are still going through) has been felt in similar ways by so many others. Life ain’t easy, but if you work at it, you’ll sort things out and do well in the end. :) Best wishes, and good luck, Sandy!
By sara on Dec 21, 2011 | Reply
you talk like the possible end of many years of marriage is eh oh well she won’t accept it, well i have to just end the marriage. Excuse me, she was the victim her, her marriage has just ended she may and probably is devestated. She did not have any idea this was coming, she had no worning, unless the husband is a non feeling, non caring person, unless he hated his marriage then it will not be a ‘TEMPORARY LOSS’ give me a break. His wife will probably suffer a nervous breakdown, her life, security, the man she loved has just sprung on her that he wants to wear lipstik and a pair of hose and who knows what else. How to inflict torture on someone you are suppose to love. Didn’t have the ball to fess up prior to the I does, then keep it to yourself now. you married under false pretenses. should be some sort of legal action
By Gabrielle on Dec 21, 2011 | Reply
Sara, I can appreciate your passionate comment and looking out for who you feel the “victim” in all of this is. I’m not sure exactly what got you so fired up, but I have a hard time believing that my “coming out” advice is the cause. There was nothing that implied “oh well she won’t accept it, well I have to just end the marriage.” Did you read the whole article, or maybe skip through things and form the wrong idea(s) in the process?
The reason I started this site in the first place was to help dispel the negative cliches and misconceptions about crossdressing AND ease the pain of crossdressers who struggle with this aspect of their lives, as well as their loved ones, by providing insight, perspective, and opinion. I have no doubt that some women have been devastated by the news that their husband is a crossdresser. I also have no doubt that many, many more women have been devastated by the news that their NON-crossdressing husband has been cheating on them or doing any number of other things that can cause great pain end a marriage. I don’t know the statistics, but I think it is safe to say that there are probably almost as many husbands that end up devastated by the news that their wife is leaving them for (whatever) and taking their kids and half of their paycheck for the next few decades.
I’m sorry if you’ve experienced a loss in your life. I truly am, and that’s not lip service. Whatever has upset you seems to be also causing you to completely miss the point of this site, my writing, and this article in particular.
For what it’s worth, most of the people who write to me are crossdressers who are having difficulties with this aspect of their lives. Some of them are terrified of anyone finding out, period. Some are worried their wives will leave if they find out. Some write to me because their wives have just left after finding out. The point is that EVERYONE has fears, troubles and complications in their lives. No one was there for me when I struggled most with being trans and it almost drove me to literally destroy myself. If I can help put the pain and suffering of others at ease by sharing what I have learned, both realities and opinion, shouldn’t I? I can go back to being pissed off, angry, resentful, depressed and self-destructive, or choose to try and make a positive difference in the lives of others. So life gave me lemons… I choose to make lemonade… or try to, anyway.
There is absolutely NOTHING in my writing that suggests, in any way, to “inflict torture on someone you are supposed to love”, Sara. If you want to chalk me up as just another one of those “freak crossdresser deviants”, then be my guest. There’s no shortage of people who do just that, without EVER making the slightest attempt to learn what it is really all about. Wouldn’t it be sad if someone had a negative experience with a black person, and then decided to conclude that all blacks, everywhere, were bad people because of it? Sadly, some people do that, too. It’s a pretty f**ked up world we live in, isn’t it? People hating on other people they know nothing about.
Maybe when you’re feeling a little better, try and give this article another look? I think if you take some time to read it in full, and maybe some of the other articles, you will find that my intentions are genuinely at helping make a positive difference, and NOT “inflicting torture” on anyone’s spouse (or anyone, period, for that matter).