Crossdressing Myth #2: They Want a Sex Change

crossdressing myths

It is a popular misconception that because a man dresses like a woman, he wishes he was born as a woman or wants to have sex reassignment surgery (SRS). This is often the second question asked when crossdresser comes out to someone – just after being asked, “are you gay?” Myth: If a man dresses like a woman it is because he wishes he was one and plans to have SRS. Fact: Most crossdressers do not want to be a woman or have SRS, but rather crossdress in order to explore and express their feminine side.

As I’ve stated before, crossdressers are as diverse as non-crossdressers. There is no one good representation or model of a non-crossdresser that is representative of all non-crossdressers, just as there is no single crossdressing methodology that can represent all crossdressers in how they feel or think. I don’t have specific percentages to offer, but based on my frequent interactions in online crossdressing communities, most crossdressers do not wish they were a woman or have any intention of going though SRS.

There are those who feel that the sex they were born as (male) does not fit the person that they are inside (female). In other words, some men feel like they are a woman (in essence) trapped inside a man’s body. When these men dress like women, it is usually not just to express their feminine side, but rather to express that they are truly feminine, period. To me, this almost isn’t even in the same category as crossdressing, although technically it does fit in terms of a male (or one with male genitalia) dressing as a female (at least until SRS has taken place). This makes up a only small number when compared to crossdressers who do not want a sex change. Of course, after SRS has taken place, “crossdresser” would be an inaccurate description of their attire.

I have also found some instances of crossdressers who did not initially feel as if they were born into the wrong body, but later in life came to this conclusion and began the journey to SRS. There are personal discoveries that take place as one learns more about oneself throughout life. This is not unique to people in the transgender community. Many people of all walks will have personal discoveries in their lives that will dramatically change how they live it.

Most of the crossdressers in online communities that I frequent are very similar in one major respect: they are men who identify as being male, but also need to express their feminine side and do so through crossdressering. Most crossdressers seem to enjoy being able to live as a man and transform into the appearance of a woman when they want (the amount of desired man-time vs. woman-time varies depending on the crossdresser).

Believing that a man wants to become a woman just because he crossdresses is a very naïve way of thinking. It is like believing that motor cycle enthusiasts want to become Hell’s Angels just because they ride a motor cycle. Some of them will want, and choose to do just that. Most will not, nor is it ever a consideration for them. As for me… I wonder if the Hell’s Angels are accepting crossdressers these days. I bet I could pull of an awesome biker chick look. :)

Update: In regard to the biker/Hell’s Angels reference, I urge you to read Cathii’s comment below. Cathii is a transsexual and was kind enough to offer important corrections to points I made about transsexuals.

Seriously, it’s time to educate people about the realities of crossdressers and put to rest these senseless myths. This particular myth is not accurate of the majority of us and people are drawing conclusions based on a lack of knowledge about the subject. Why is there a lack of knowledge on this subject? Why is it such a taboo to teach in school or even bring up in conversion… and I don’t mean as a joke or something to poke fun at. Seriously – what’s the problem, folks? What am I missing?


Update: June 7, 2013
It’s important to separate fact from fiction, especially for topics that are so widely misunderstood about the human condition. I am reminded of the rush-job this particular article was – an unfortunate result of pushing myself to pump out multiple articles a week while spread too thin and lacking sufficient time to devote to this endeavor. My intent was good, and I still assert wholeheartedly that “crossdressing, in and of itself, does not constitute that one wishes to undergo SRS (have a sex change)”.

Aside from some poorly chosen arguments and hurried writing, the message remains true. I don’t have the numbers, but most (not all) male to female transgender people I communicate with have expressed that they do not wish to undergo SRS and are happy living on both sides of the nebulous “gender divide”.

At the time I wrote this, slightly over 4 years ago as of this update, I felt that I, too, was happy switching back and forth from man-form to female-form, etc. Or so it seemed on the surface. Even at that time, I clearly remember feeling that “Gabrielle” was far more me than my “man act” or male form.

As I continue to grow and evolve, the desire to live full time as Gabrielle has increased dramatically. There is no confusion or uncertainty on my part. I accept being a part-time tgirl, and that for now, there are many things in my life that I must attend to in my male form. My male form is not who I am, however. It’s the facade; the learned “man act”, carefully rehearsed and executed to provide the socially-expected “man presence” and camouflage my true being. This (self perceived) need to continue the manly charade is also wearing thin.

I do not currently have plans to undergo surgical alterations to my body or begin female hormone treatment. I don’t consider myself to be a pre-op transsexual. I also don’t consider that option in life closed. It is undecided.

If a future update to this article includes disclosure of my intent to transition (undergo the SRS process), it will be a reflection of my own life, and should not be indication of anything beyond that. My point is that if you are reading this article because you or someone you love is a crossdresser, do not take my personal choices in life to mean anything other than what they are (my own personal choices, period).

If you fear your husband or boyfriend may decide to undergo SRS because they are crossdressing, I suggest you stop worrying about hypothetical possibilities and focus on things as they are right now. Take it one day at a time and work through things with your romantic interest. No one ever knows what to expect in any relationship. Communication, respect, patience, honesty, love and understanding are all key to making it through things with the least amount of friction. Limiting someone’s options, manipulating, disparaging, lying, guilt trips, etc., are each avenues that will lead to pain, suffering and a failed relationship, regardless of having a transgender partner or not.

Update: June 1, 2016
I forgot about this post from 7 years ago, updated 3 years ago. It’s long overdue for an update.

Peeling back the “onion layers” of self identity has revealed that I not only plan to complete SRS and several other reconstructive surgeries necessary to correct what the t-virus (testosterone) has done to deform my body, it’s something I’ve come to realize is necessary to survive.

My gender dysphoria seems to have an increasingly stronger adverse affect on my quality of life each day. It something that keeps me awake at night stressing about how to finance these necessary and insanely expensive procedures, none of which are covered by my medical insurance. There’s a lot more going on that can be covered in this simple blog post update.

Crossdressers tend to not want to make many, if any, permanent changes to their bodies. I became consciously aware in 2013 of something I always knew deep down. I’m not a crossdressing man. I’m a transgender woman and very much need to transition in full. More on that another time…

Related content: Crossdressing Myths


17 thoughts on “Crossdressing Myth #2: They Want a Sex Change”

  1. I actually have a little personal experience with this myth, as someone that I told taunted me with the notion that I “should just go ahead and become a girl”. This was so irritating and hurtful to me as I have never seriously had that desire. Sure, I’ve thought about what it would be like had I been born female, but I certainly am very happy that I was born male.

    This is certainly a delicate topic, as many wives probably fear that their husbands will eventually want SRS. Whenever this fear comes into my wife’s mind, I try my best to remain calm and patient as I reassure her that I have no such desire.

    The one “wish” is one that would never be able to come to fruition anyway. While I would prefer smaller hands and feet, I know that this is not even within the realm of possibility, so I accept myself. However, I know that I do not want to change my body to suit a more feminine mold.

    It is a taboo subject but hopefully we can do more to change this. By the way, I can’t wait for the next Myth post. Oh, and what other cd online communities are out there? I can’t seem to find any other ones :(

  2. Gabrielle, this is a great article. There are a LOT of people out there that are clueless when it comes to crossdressing and/or gender identification and/or sexual preference/needs. As for myself I feel I was born a bit in the middle. Not a female born in a male’s body nor the reverse of that. I am attracted to females for the most part but if I ever went all the way and to SRS I would probably end up bi-sexual. To me this makes perfect sense but to most out there it wouldn’t.

  3. Hi Gabrielle, as an insomniac MtF transsexual from Western Australia (its 4:25am and I still can’t get to sleep) I thought that after reading parts of your blog I should perhaps reply to this post. I think I need to provide you with a few small corrections, a hypothesis of mine and a potential solution.

    Lets start with the hypothesis. The two questions on coming out, ‘Are you gay?’ and ‘Do you want to be a woman?’ I honestly believe that for the greater part of the “vanilla community” (ie those that are cisgendered) these are perfectly rational and logical questions to be asked. The two groups of trans people that most vanilla people have exposure to are drag queens and transsexuals. Drag queens, to trot out a stereotype, are by and large gay men (I think I have met only one straight drag queen). It seems only natural then to assume that if drag queens are gay, so too must be crossdressers. Of course we know this to be a fallacy but only because we are familiar with crossdressing circles. When I tell people that the overwhelming number of CD’s are heterosexual men with wives and kids they are usual a bit dismissive at first because of their ‘knowledge’ of the drag world.

    So the second question follows the same logic. People ‘know’ about transsexuals and if a CD comes out and they aren’t a ‘gay’ drag queen then they must surely be transsexual and want to change sex… right? Once again we know the folly of that statement, but for someone that only knows those two parts of the trans community then that is the logical assumption.

    This brings me to the only solution that I can think of, and it is one that you suggest in your post when you wrote “it’s time to educate people about the realities of crossdressers”. Although when you ask the question ” Why is there a lack of knowledge on this subject?” I am a little disappointed that you do not know the answer. Crossdressers don’t talk openly about being crossdressers. Drag queens flaunt the fact they are drag queens, transsexuals acknowledge and discuss transsexualism, but CD’s won’t openly talk about crossdressing. Once CD’s as a whole begin to take a more proactive part in education, these two “first questions” will cease to be asked. I have struggled trying to get the local CD community in Perth to open up even if it is done anonymously, but every one has a reason why they won’t and I admit most of those reasons are good reasons and the same reasons that it took me so long to come out as transsexual. Sadly if no one stands up to be counted, then nothing will be achieved.

    Ok, please understand that by giving you the following corrections I do so only to further your understanding of transgendered and transsexual people. I mean no malice.

    “Of course, after SRS has taken place, technically they are considered a transsexual.”
    – A transsexual is a transsexual whether SRS has taken place or not. ‘Transsexual’ basically means that there is a consistent and persistent desire to “change sex”. That desire exists in transsexuals well before they will go for SRS and in fact it MUST exist before any reputable surgeon will perform the surgery. There are those that argue that once SRS has taken place that desire ceases because the body now conforms, and therefore that person can no longer be termed transsexual. I personally see this as a bit pedantic, but it is more technically correct to refer to a post operative MtF transsexual simply as a woman, or as a transwoman.

    “but men who have been surgically altered to become women.”
    – This next point is more a “heads up”. For someone such as myself that has spent a lot of time with crossdressers, in my case as a member of a trans* support group, I understand that you are merely talking about the ‘physcial’ man ‘surgically altered’ to physically resemble a woman in body (technically know as being phenotypically female). I get that, I respect that… but I have to give you a quick heads up about your wording. MtF transsexuals do not “become” a woman, they _are_ a woman they just happen to have been born with a penis. The measure of gender is not based between the legs, but rather, between the ears. SRS is nothing more than a surgery to physically affirm the true gender of the transsexual. This is why SRS is often referred to as Gender Affirmation Surgery (GAS). In the same way, some may take offense to your wording in respect to motorcycles and “choosing” to become a Hells Angel. Yes, becoming a Hells Angel is a choice, but being transsexual is not. Pedantic points I know, but trust me if you avoid these two things when talking with transsexuals you will save yourself a whole load of trouble. :)

    “I bet I could pull of an awesome biker chick look. :)”
    – I bet you could :)

    “This particular myth isn’t really harmful to crossdressers”
    – Well there is no nice way of saying this, so I guess I will just say it outright… No, in my opinion this statement is wrong. This ‘myth’ _is_ harmful to crossdressers. This myth is why so many CD’s keep it hidden from the ones they love the most. This myth is a big reason why so many women find it hard to accept that their husbands or boyfriends are crossdressers. This myth is why so many wives and girlfriends restrict their partners perfectly natural desire to express themselves, just in case one day he turns around and says, “gee you know what, I really do want to be a woman.” I personally believe this myth to be the most harmful assumption about straight male crossdressers. This myth can cause a lot of distrust in an otherwise healthy relationship and it impacts not only on the CD and their partner but also their children if they have any. This is one of the myths that education has to tackle head on if people in the broader community are going to accept CD’ing as something natural and healthy for an individual in the future.

    Anyway, thanks for the good reading material. Its now 4.50am and I need to be up at 7… so I guess I should try to get some sleep :)


    1. Cathii, I very much appreciate your taking the time to offer important corrections to points I made about transsexuals. There is absolutely no reason to be apologetic in any way for correcting me. :) Being a crossdresser, I understand a great deal about the realities on that subject. I obviously have more to learn about the realities of transsexuals.

      This website is all about exploring facts and truths. When my writing falls short of that, I appreciate the opportunity to grow and learn from someone who is more knowledgeable. I’ve made some modifications to my article based on your offerings.

      I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m glad you had some insomnia and found your way here. :) Thank you again for offering such a well-written and insightful comment. It truly adds so much more value to what was here previously.

  4. To add to the unscientific data Gabi, I enjoy both being a man and going en femme. I think I have a great gift being able experience both worlds thing going. But I would like to be able to shape shift. But in the same way I would like to grow and remove hair (from mustache/goatee to body hair) without having to wait or shave when the mood suited me. Or instant makeup would be fabulous! Other that those minor comic book like fantasies that are really more or less gender neutral, I have no desire to be a woman.

    However I know I could do be better job communicating, especially to my wife. there is many things that she doesn’t get or is insecure about, and that is primarily my fault. I have been out to her for 3 years and it is still somewhat uncomfortable at times and that is because when it get that way I tend to shrink into a closet type mentality. It is something I have to work on.

    Along the lines of Jessica’s wish, unlike her, I do not wish for smaller feet. I am quite big and at the limit that anyone commercial makes women’s shoes. I just wish I could get better variety in my size. But that really goes for men’s shoes as well. I simply can not shop in a store for shoes. Men or women’s. Period. I would like longer thinner fingers though. Again, in masculine and en femme persona’s. I just think my fingers are just chunky.

    I also have to agree with Cathii about how harmful this myth is. It does adversely effect relationships and indeed effects where some Crossdressers get support and validation.

    1. Thanks for sharing, Erin. :) Interesting on the shape shifting thing. That is a sentiment I’ve heard expressed by many crossdressers who also enjoy life on both sides of the gender spectrum. I can identify with it myself – if there were a way to instantly reshape my body to other desired specifications, I would jump on that in an instant… assuming it was just as easy to shift back as desired. If you remove gender from that equation, I think you will find that most people would love to be able to shape shift in some way – some permanently, and others temporarily. I put that out there to shine light on the fact that gender differences are but one in a zillion other elements of human differences… and yet people make such a big deal out of the one (gender).

      All things as they are today, I’m happy to be a man who can transform into a t-girl. I would not trade my manhood for female organs (or close there to), nor would I ever be willing to give up my ability to appear in a masculine or feminine form as desired. Given that I cannot shape shift, I am very happy as I am. I am also very happy that those who need to alter their bodies to fit who they are have the means to do so. No one should be forced to live life in a form that is not true to who they are as a person.

  5. I liked this entry, but at the same time, I kinda cringed at the overly used term, “expressing my feminine side”

    I don’t know why I cringe like this, but I do.

    I think it is because of the idea that to society crossdressing is only done by men, and men that are mentally disturbed. (another myth). Whereas women that crossdress are not put on such a list.

    I don’t know about many here, but I personally feel no need to express any gender side. I feel only the want to present an image I like for myself. I also far prefer skirts to pants, or leggings to jeans. But, and this is important, in our current culture men are pretty much prohibited in one way or another from openly wearing these styles, either by societal norms, or by company dress codes, or many others.

    Women wear pants, jeans, sweats, t-shirts, sneakers, boots, all of which were only worn by men years ago. Women also have those items only they can wear for the most part (skirts, dresses, gowns, tights, pantyhose, blouses, high heels, nice dress boots, sandles, and so on).

    I most likely never would have ventured into “crossdressing” if it was not for the limitations placed upon my style due to the fact I was born with a penis. I surely would have had longer hair, and I would wear makeup, but in a manner that is not overtly feminine.

    I dress because I like skirts and the other items, and have been told by open minded people I look good in such. I get many compliments on my legs, and when done up in my makeup and stuff get many many compliments.

    (I find it funny how I do get compliments on my appearance, usually. There are times I wonder if it is all indeed BS).

    I have absolutely no intention of living as a woman. Though if I can get a job as a per mentally pre-op trans, then perhaps I will do that, LOL. As I said earlier the only reason I would do that, is so I could have more freedom in my clothing choices.

    One more question arises though. What is it that makes something masculine or feminine.

    I have looked into how men behaved in the past. Waaaay in the past. Men believe it or not behaved ELEGANTLY. They spoke well, they dressed well… in ways that would be considered feminine these days. Lace, and frills, flared cuffs. Of course not everyone dressed this way, but most did. Women just were in far less practical dresses and corsets, where men had waist cinchers. Here is another thing….men wore high heels.

    So what happened? Why did all the above become women only? Why did men for the most part lose elegance, and become for all intents and purposes, brutish?

    More food for thought, me thinks.

    1. Thanks for sharing, Pythos. :) In regard to the use of expressing one’s “feminine side”, it is why the majority of crossdressers (that I’ve interacted with) crossdress. Some crossdressers do not identify with femininity at all, but rather just prefer women’s clothing styles. These men usually look and behave in a manner consistent with “masculine”, however they dress in part, or in whole, in women’s clothing. For them, crossdressing is not an expression of femininity, but rather seems to be an expression of personal clothing style (independent of gender associated there with), period.

      I understand your own crossdressing is different than why I and many others do it. Your preferred style is more androgynous and not associated with any particular gender expression, but rather just based in “looks” that you prefer. I know sometimes you do more of the full-out “feminine” looks, but also understand that you do so as a matter of personal style taste and preference and not in a manner intended to be an expression of femininity.

      That brings us to who decides what is feminine and what is masculine. The short answer is, whatever the majority of people within a society tend to agree upon in terms of classifications. I often do identify with the female gender, which is a heavy factor in my crossdressing. There are times when you and I are both completely done up in that which is considered by the majority to be a presentation of femininity, or (at least in my case) feminine gender expression. Regardless of the “why” we do it, it is seen by “the majority” as feminine, at least in appearance. This classification is not an absolute, but rather just what the majority of society currently calls it.

      Women who “crossdress” are not typically seen these days as crossdressing. The reason is because, as you pointed out, it is now acceptable for women to wear items that were once reserved for men only. Because that is no longer the case, women aren’t really crossdressing (in the eyes of the majority) even when fully dressed in men’s clothing. In order to be considered crossdressing, one has to be wearing clothing that is regarded as gender-specific and reflective of the gender opposite that person’s genetic gender (sex organs). That is why it is almost impossible for women to truly be seen as “crossdressing” these days.

      You’re absolutely right in terms men’s fashion in years past. From Roman times to fashions of a few hundred years ago, men wore what is now regarded as female-only items. Their behavior was also less consistent (and perhaps not even close to) what is now considered to be “masculine behavior”. Again, it was consistent with society’s “norms” of the time, but not within today’s socially accepted “norms”.

      Our society is still very immature, and by that, I mean that in large, it is generally unwilling to accept anything different (or new) than that which has already been classified, tagged or assigned as [whatever] in their minds throughout their lives. Over time, society has matured, and will continue to mature. Let us not forget how limited women were in their roles within society just a handful of decades ago. Where women have made progress in “modern society”, men have actually regressed (in my opinion). Sadly, the every-so-popular “norm” is that of extreme masculinity or macho-ism. Many things have gravitated toward the “masculine” end of things, from women’s popular fashion, to how men appear and behave themselves. Look back at TV shows from the 1970’s, or blockbuster movie musicals of the 1950’s and you will find men behaving in ways that would today be classified as feminine, or at the very least, certainly NOT masculine.

      It’s all in flux – constantly changing and mutating. I almost used the word “evolving”, but I think “mutating” is a better fit. I don’t see “evolution” as a good classification for gravitation toward the “masculine” or “macho” end of things. It seems more like de-evolution and a throwback to the stone ages (literally) – a time when the alpha male dominated the tribe, and did so crudely with frequent shows of force and (what is today considered to be) cruelty. Granted, the whole macho thing is very desirable to many men, and there are plenty of women who prefer the more macho-men. There’s nothing wrong with that whatsoever. It is when the macho types (or any type, for that matter) decide to look down upon others who are not like them, and classify them as less important or not worthy of sharing space on planet earth. Now THAT is problem.

  6. I hope you didn’t think I was being rude or anything. I was not critisizing the use of the term “feminine side”

    I just find myself wanting to act more elegant, hence more feminine, but as you said that is only because of the gravitation to Macho.

    You know who one of my Role models is, and yes he is a freak, but not so much in his native land.

    Honestly I don’t know “how” to act feminine. I know when in a tight skirt and heels I move differently but that is because of the skirt and heels. LOL. They force you to move in a certain way otherwise bad pain my ensue, or you may flash your hose or underwear. When in a corset I also sit more “proper” that is not me trying to “act” more feminine, it is simply because my body can act no other way.

    When in my garb I still act like me, perhaps not as crass as my full male self, but that is a mask really. Sort of a false Bravado that has become a part of my being, and I am trying to shake.

    I agree with you though. We as humans, for the most part are devolving. I hope some day it reverses. Women come to their senses and reject the macho male. All I have seen macho males do is bring about misery, or good sports scores. :)

    1. No worries, Pythos. I did not take your words in a rude way at all. You were sharing your thoughts and I respect your take on things. :)

      If you want to be more “elegant”, whether it be classified by society as “feminine” or whatever, then by all means – BE more elegant! You know where I stand on things – with the exception of that which is harmful to others, I always encourage people to be themselves and live their life in a way that is consistent with how they feel.

      I remember you talking about your role model, and did a little reading up on him at one point, but I’m not sure what exactly makes him a “freak”… unless, of course, you use that term in context with how mainstream society classifies people who express themselves as such. There are plenty of people who classify me as a “freak”, and they’ve been all too willing to tell me in messages and comments (which I do not publish). To hell with them, though. At least I have the backbone to by myself, if only part-time. Only cowards call people rude names behind the relative cloak of the internet. ;)

      In terms of “masks”, we all have to wear them sometimes in order to survive. That is not unique to people who express themselves in a manner that is not consistent with the general “norm”… although I think it is often more difficult for us, as we generally end up wearing our masks on a more frequent bases than others.

  7. Dear Gabi, I should have read the list of aarticles more closely as several of my questions I asked already have been answered in this article. You rock,

  8. I know I’m coming in way late to this discussion, as the original post was written back in 2009. However, I just stumbled across it while Googling. I was trying to find statistics on how many cross dressers make the jump into wanting SRS.

    I will say, based on my own personal experiences, that a woman worried that her cross-dressing man is going to cut off his penis *is* expressing a legitimate concern.

    Why do I say this?

    It happened to me.

    I remember a friend of mine once telling me the following joke:

    Q: What’s the difference between a cross dresser and a transsexual?

    A: Three years.

    Now it might not be fair to characterize cross-dressers in this light, but it rings true. The husband of this joke-teller later transitioned and went on to have SRS. My ex lived as a woman for the entire length of our relationship (14 years) and then decided to divorce me because he wanted SRS and planned to have sex with men after the operation was complete.

    So, I’m not sure that it’s entirely fair to say that cross-dressers wanting sex changes is a *myth*.

    My friend’s husband represented himself to her as a cross-dresser. He transitioned and had a sex change. My ex promised me when we got together that he wouldn’t have surgery. Here I am, all these years later, stuck with all the responsibilities of the middle-class life he claimed to want and is now abandoning.

    While cross-dressers like to pooh-pooh women’s worries about homosexuality and/or transsexuality, I think that completely dismisses the fact that this *does* happen.

    It’s not fair to minimize the *legitimate* concerns of women by saying that cross-dressers wanting sex changes is a myth.

    It’s not a myth. It happened to me. It’s happened to other women I know.

  9. @Oinkstop
    The recent experience and realizatione of Gabrielle might give you the upper hand, but I want you to remind that she didn’t say they didn’t want a change sex at all, but only that not all of them want, at least half of them are not going to be trans, it’s equally wrong by you to generalize the myth as completely true, or suggesting it’s the rule and it can’t be just a playful curiosity or an ironic approach to gender representation.
    Many completely straight men (i assume), where I live, accurately dress as women in Carnival (fat tuesday, you know) and they probably enjoy it although in a very ironic way. They might do it more often, but take Carnival as an excuse, thus not feeling this “dire” need for it as many crossdressers do.
    Now what I’m wondering, Gabe, might you be a gay trans woman if you wants to live as a woman still loving your wife?
    It’s not to mind your private business, but only to understand, cause I guess you were really attracted by her for real and still are, because why would that change, if whatever happened to you was (or is supposed to be) a realization of what you really felt in this year, not something really new. Shall this be true, your sexual orientation toward women shouldn’t be changing otherwise what would you have do in all these years?

    1. I identify as a trans lesbian. My gender identity is female. I’m romantically interested in women. Gender identity and sexual orientation aren’t related – they’re independent of one another. That’s why there are cisgender (non-trans) gay men and cisgender lesbian woman. Society tends to condition people to believe that things can only be or should be a “certain” way. That, and a general lack of real information that the mainstream population has, contributes to many popular misconceptions. Myself and countless other trans folk had a rough time figuring out exactly who we are because we too, we’re socially conditioned to believe the fallacies. The younger generations are figuring it out much sooner, but for myself and those my age and older, many of us tried, as painful as it was, to live a life within the expected gender norms, given the reproductive organs we were born with. I’m 43 as I write this, btw. A good friend of mine, now in her 50’s, didn’t fully realize her true gender identity until she was 45, and transitioned shortly there after. She, too, also identifies as a trans lesbian and will be marrying a cisgender lesbian woman later this year.

  10. Hi Gabri and thanks for your kind reply.
    It’ not to be immodest but I knew that difference betweeng gender identity and sexual orientation, that’s why I correctly asked if you identified as a gay woman, and not as if it was sort a contraddiction ;). It’s shortly before knowing your blog that I neatly learned the difference (then more than 2 years ago) a difference that I interiorized as possible way long before, though.
    Many people, even the most open ones, in Italy, have hard time figuring this, and automatically tend to innocently think that if say a trans male likes men (and I know one like this), could have it easier remaining a woman, especially if not wanting to undergo HRT, they have an even harder time to find it understandable, and it’s not that complex, at least as definitions.
    I understand what you wrote here, and it explains why when I discovered your blog you were so sure of being a cisgender crossdresser.
    How would you respond to Oinkstop? Or have I replied the right way in your place?
    But why were you so sure being cisgender back then?

    1. Hi Antome. In regard to Oinkstop’s comment, I attempted to address the general idea of it (which is something many people continue to bring up) in an “update” to my original post (at the end of it, just above the comments). I think your direct response to Oinkstop drew attention to valid points.

      It’s not uncommon for people to express “all or nothing” opinions based on personal exposure or knowledge of a (single) particular instance. I say it’s a “myth” that *all* crossdressers want to transition and undergo the SRS process, and then someone else says it’s not a myth, because they know of one or two who do fit the bill. The joke that was mentioned, disparaging as it may be, does has some validity to it (but most certainly not for everyone or likely even a majority). Many (not all) trans-women (and/or transsexuals, pre or post-op) have to peel back the layers of the onion, so to say, and discover who they truly are. We’re all conditioned by “social norms”. For many trans folk, it may take some time to fully realize their (gender) reality as it may be buried deeply under years of social conditioning (programming). It’s infinitely more complex that this, but that’s the “short answer”.

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