I came across this in a local paper. It has not been doctored up. This is exactly how it appears in the full page ad. It clearly illustrates the evolution of man is, in fact, crossdressing… or so it is in the automotive business. Hey – it’s a start, right?
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On January 1, 2009, I ventured online as Gabrielle for the first time. In preparation to begin interacting with others, I created a flickr account and uploaded my first femme-photo. Prior, only my wife had seen me this way.
Posting that first photo was a bit strange at the time. I felt exposed to some extent. It’s kind of funny to me now – how it seemed like such a big deal to publish my photo as Gabrielle online for the world to see. This is simply who I am and I don’t think twice about sharing photos and stories about my life now. That first step out of complete privacy and into the public eye felt like a big one at the time, but I quickly became comfortable with it and posted another photo just days later.
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I’ve been crossdressing since the age of 3 or 4, but it wasn’t until December of 2008 that Gabrielle finally got her face. The picture above was taken a couple of weeks ago, on the one year anniversary of my first time in full makeup. It’s not my best head shot, but certainly displays a vast improvement from a year prior in terms of looking more feminine up close.
After a lifetime of keeping this aspect of my life a carefully guarded secret, it was around this time last year (add a couple of weeks) that I was finally (fully) out to my wife. It was that same time, after months of planning, that my first ever feminine makeup transformation took place. The fabulous Mrs. H. agreed to take care of business for me. With years of experience doing her own makeup, and very well, I was sure to look gorgeous when all was complete… or so I initially thought.
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I met up with an old friend (in guy-mode) a couple of weeks ago. He was one of the small group of people I enjoyed the company of while en femme at my high school class reunion this past summer. Although I’ve known him for many years, he only learned of my feminine side at the class reunion, along with many of my former high school classmates.
The purpose of our meeting was to discuss some business venture ideas, but most of the time was spent chatting about personal interests. Being the first time we met up since I came out to him, there was a good deal of curiosity about this aspect of my life, which I was more than happy to discuss.
During our conversation, he made an interesting comment to me. He’s known a total of three crossdressers and pointed out, “…but you’re the only normal one.” He shared with me that the other crossdressers both exhibited negative, degrading feminine behavior in girl-mode – the kind of behavior that most women would (and trans folk should) find insulting. I certainly did.
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Happy Halloween 2009 (a day early) from your friendly neighborhood crossdressing Vampiress. Hey rides, bobbing for apples, haunted houses, costume parties, and trick-or-treating will be among the activities enjoyed by folks on this candy-filled holiday.
Halloween is often regarded as the “crossdresser’s holiday”. On this single day of the year, it is generally socially acceptable to venture out into public en femme without being ridiculed, harassed, or facing harm (from haters). Because a man dressing up as a woman is regarded as a simple “costume” rather than a social deviation, the rules are changed, if only for a short time.
In years past, I remember some of my male friends dressing up as women on Halloween. Their costumes consisted of ridiculous looking dresses, mismatched jewelry, a bad wig, over sized breasts, and absurd makeup (applied almost clown-like). I observed similar displays at various costume parties. In addition, the men behaved very much like men with only occasional feminine behaviors displayed, and usually highly exaggerated for comical purposes.
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My favorite color is black and I love black nail polish. When it looking feminine (or trying to), I think my color choices differ from many. I generally do not wear bright, colorful clothing. I prefer dark, neutral colors. Dressing all in black is my favorite, and that of course includes black nail polish (check the photo below).
At the risk of sounding like an advertisement for the “Hot Topic” chain, I do like many of the things they carry. Some of the hardcore gothic-types make fun of the chain for various reasons, but I don’t really care. I like what I like regardless of what others have to say about it. I’m not exactly goth, but love many of the female gothic styles and plan on exploring them more in the future… in my own way, of course. Many gothic men wear black nail polish, by the way, which has nothing to do with crossdressing (as in, they’re not crossdressing by wearing it).
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After a productive outing to see my therapist as Gabrielle, I wasn’t quite ready to call it a day. I decided to take a stroll through a local mall. I’d driven to this mall a few times en femme, only to remain in the car out of fear of being harmed.
This is part of my personal growth process. I need to become more comfortable being Gabrielle in public and interacting with others as such. My primary objective for this mission (it’s more fun to think of it as a mission *grin*) was to make at least one purchase before leaving the mall. My secondary objective was to walk the entire mall before leaving, but it’s a rather large mall and I wasn’t sure about the feasibility of that in my high-heel boots.
Before my mall-trek was over, I received a rather unsettling reminder of the very real potential for danger in public crossdressing.
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My reasons for being in therapy are not directly centered around being a crossdresser, although is often brought up as it ties into to many aspects of my life. If being a part time t-girl is not the main reason for being in therapy, then why go to my therapist en femme? The short answer is why not? I’ve been making a point to stretch my legs and get out in public as Gabrielle, and this seemed like another great opportunity to do so.
I’ve shown my therapist photos of Gabrielle a few times. In recent sessions, it’s felt like things may be winding down. I wanted him to meet Gabrielle in person before we parted ways. Without being asked to or making it known ahead of time, I decided to just show up as Gabrielle. This particular session took place a few weeks ago – I’m a little behind in my writing. Coincidentally, I have another session with him today, although I’ll be going as plain old Gabe and not Gabrielle.
Here we go again
So what happens in the reception area before even having a seat in the waiting room? I get laughed at… again. To date, my record is perfect – every time I’ve ventured out into public and interacted with people as Gabrielle, I’ve gotten laughed at. As it’s been mentioned before, I do not pass in person.
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My first official “vlog” (video web log). This was originally recorded on September 12, 2009, but it took a while to find the time to polish it up with some titles and music, and post it online.
Ever wonder what my femme-voice sounds like? Well, it ain’t very convincing. Not yet, anyway. But I’m working on improving it and practicing voice feminization techniques. I’ve got a long way to go in the voice department, but I don’t think you’ll find it too distracting.
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This is the third and final installment of attending my high school class reunion as Gabrielle. If you haven’t read part 1 and part 2 yet, I encourage you to do so before continuing.
A quick recap
Longing to get out in public and interact with people as Gabrielle, I attended my high class school reunion en femme. The photo to the right was taken just before leaving the house that evening. I was terribly nervous and it took me a while to find my stride, but eventually I hooked up with some old friends and wound up having a great time. I also found myself very much out of the closet to many more people than I was comfortable with.
In the days following the reunion, the realization of being “out” to so many people wreaked havoc on my emotional stability as I pondered all the terrible things that may come as a result. After some time, I realized that I was over-reacting and simply experienced some instability as a result of taking such big first steps out like that.
The experience changed me. Many fears were conquered that evening. The insecurities that followed have been properly dealt with and bother me no more. I’ve made some wonderful advances in my growth and evolution as a person. There were also some considerable failures on my part that evening – signs of how far I have yet to go.
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