Sooner or later, it happens to most of us. We acquire that voice of reason and wisdom in our head. It’s there to make sure we don’t screw up our lives too badly. We go about each day doing our thing. When choices pop up, our conscious mind may be going in one direction, but there’s that voice of wisdom in the back of our head directing us toward the more sensible and intelligent path. I like to call my voice of wisdom: “TVOW” (TEE-vow).
Interpersonal relationships are complex and often fragile things. The complexity level differs from relationship to relationship. Obviously a superficial relationship does not hold much in terms of its complexity, but a close friendship and love can be so complex that rocket science seems easier to understand in comparison.
Being a crossdresser, I’d say my very life is far more complex than most. That’s not a bad thing – I enjoy a very rich life, filled with emotions and experiences most people will never comprehend. It’s incredibly fulfilling. Crossdressers differ greatly, but I think it’s safe to say that the level of complexity in the close friendship of two crossdressing friends can be very high. Seriously, I’d like to see the rocket scientist of psychologists try and formulate this stuff accurately.
It’s hard to make friends in the world. I’m not talking about your everyday acquaintances that share in small talk and the likes – I mean a true friend: someone you can confide your personal feelings in and will be there for you. It’s even harder to accomplish this when you’re a crossdresser. There’s that extra level or two (or three thousand) of complexity to deal with. Only a crossdresser can truly understand the mind of another crossdresser. Finding a good friendship match among them is not easy.
Sometimes I have trouble with my emotions. It seems to only happen with my feminine side, since that is where most of my emotions reside (or something like that). My man-side doesn’t bother with personal relationships much, aside from the one I share with my own wife. In that regard, not much can go wrong, with the exception of the occasional marital issues that pop up in the lives of all married couples.
In a recent series of communications with a close friend, a crossdresser much like myself, some very heavy emotions crept up on me. I got too emotional, cried several times, and started to stray off the path of intelligence. Emotions sometimes do that to people. Honestly, this is one aspect of crossdressing I really don’t enjoy – the heavy emotions it often stirs up in me. I mean, leave this stuff for the real women, please!
I’ve got some issues in my life to deal with. Who doesn’t? I’d say love is a tough issue in my life. Not the kind of love I share with my wife – that’s a very beautiful and meaningful part of my life. Rather, the love, closeness and understanding a good friend can provide. It does weird things to me, like make me want to run away and never look back, or perhaps just go bowling with a watermelon. Seriously, it can scare me sometimes. Perhaps that is why my man-side keeps people at such a distance. That way I don’t end up getting emotional or anything. After all, society frowns heavily on an emotional man. That’s not very macho now, is it? And crying? How dare a man cry! And so I don’t… not my man-side, anyway.
A friend got in really close recently. It touched me… and unfortunately got me very emotional – to an unhealthy extent. I started feeling emotionally insecure and sharing things I should not have. All the while TVOW kept shouting: DANGER! DANGER Will Robinson!
Life can be such an interesting ride. I didn’t listen to TVOW when I should have. It may have cost me the best friend I’ve had in more than 20 years… outside my own loving wife. What happens next? I really don’t know. I’m sad right now, as I write this, but oddly enjoying the moment at the same time. My would-be friend cracked open a dimension in my life I shut down long ago. There is pain to be felt here… but also joy. How very strange.
I do not yet know the extent of damage caused by my recent emotional eruption. If it cost me a friend, I think I’ll be ok. You see, I learned a very important lesson. Not only is it important to listen to and OBEY that voice of wisdom in the back of my head… but it is also important to allow myself to love a friend, and be loved by a friend in return. I doubt this is new to many people. It’s not new to me. But truly understanding it is.
Here’s to you, my unnamed friend. I’m sorry… and thank you.