My reasons for being in therapy are not directly centered around being a crossdresser, although is often brought up as it ties into to many aspects of my life. If being a part time t-girl is not the main reason for being in therapy, then why go to my therapist en femme? The short answer is why not? I’ve been making a point to stretch my legs and get out in public as Gabrielle, and this seemed like another great opportunity to do so.
I’ve shown my therapist photos of Gabrielle a few times. In recent sessions, it’s felt like things may be winding down. I wanted him to meet Gabrielle in person before we parted ways. Without being asked to or making it known ahead of time, I decided to just show up as Gabrielle. This particular session took place a few weeks ago – I’m a little behind in my writing. Coincidentally, I have another session with him today, although I’ll be going as plain old Gabe and not Gabrielle.
Here we go again
So what happens in the reception area before even having a seat in the waiting room? I get laughed at… again. To date, my record is perfect – every time I’ve ventured out into public and interacted with people as Gabrielle, I’ve gotten laughed at. As it’s been mentioned before, I do not pass in person.
About the photo
The “metal hands” photo of me above was taken shortly after arriving home from my session. The top and boots are the same, however I changed from my lovely but movement-restricting pencil skirt into another skirt that was easier to walk in. I don’t yet have any photos of me in the pencil skirt. I thought the photo was fitting for this write-up as my trip to the therapist en femme was a generally positive experience, and that rocked. :)
Some trouble walking
The walk from my parked car to the building and into the office was uneventful. A woman exiting the building held the door for me as I entered, and I thanked her with a smile. There was one or two other people I passed in the building’s lobby area. No one looked at me funny, at least not from what I could tell. I had some trouble with the actual walking though. In an effort to stand out less in public, I attempted to tone down my (sexy) look by wearing a past-knee length pencil skirt. My outfit looked very nice but walking in a movement-limiting form-fitting pencil skirt for the first time was rather tricky. I’m not used to it and need more practice.
Enter the office
The receptionist was very kind to me. Polite, and smiling with genuine intent, she took care of business professionally. Of course, I’m not the first t-girl she’s seen. I should probably mention that my therapist is actually a full psychiatrist and shares an office with a few other psychiatrists. She’s been exposed to plenty and didn’t treat me any different than when I’m in guy-mode… except she did seem just a tad warmer to me somehow.
It felt odd having to identify myself as my man-side while I was en femme. After all, Gabe had the appointment, not Gabrielle. I used my feminine voice in dealing with her. Though it needs work, that is how I talk as Gabrielle.
Getting laughed at
As I dealt with the receptionist, another woman entered the office and stood in line behind me. When I turned to take a seat in the waiting room, her obvious smile was easily visible. With her hand over her mouth, she laughed quietly as she turned her attention from me to the receptionist. Being in a psychiatry office didn’t help much. I believe I understand her laughter. It probably wasn’t because she thought I looked terrible or funny (like a clown), but rather because she read me as a man dressed and made up like a woman. Being in a psychiatry office, her mind likely connected the “crazy” dots and formulated that I was a person with some serious identity (and gender) confusion issues, hence why I was there. Us “crazy” folk need proper looking after. ;)
Being laughed at is something I’m slowly getting used to. I’ve known since my first brief interaction with a fast food drive-thru attendant months ago, that this is how people usually react to people like me around here. I don’t like it, but so long as there is no accompanying ridicule or threat, it doesn’t bother me too much.
Over here, doc
When my therapist looked out into the waiting room to call in “Gabe”, it took him a moment to realize that I was Gabrielle. With only two people in the waiting room, the other being a genetic woman (not the one who laughed), it wasn’t too hard to figure out. As we entered his office, he mentioned that I dressed very nicely as Gabrielle. The compliment was much appreciated. Dressing casual en femme is not my thing, although it might be considered more “normal” to do so when venturing out into public (at least for day-to-day activities).
A very Gabi session
Having showed up en femme, this session concentrated entirely on this aspect of my life. We discussed a variety of things including: attending my high school class reunion en femme, my marriage, getting laughed at, time required for full transformation, and my behavioral differences.
As expected, he noticed the obvious personality differences from Gabe to Gabrielle, sighting that I even “talked differently” (using my femme-voice). We had previously discussed exactly where I fall (categorically) in the vast expanse of the transgender spectrum, but this was the first time he was able to see Gabrielle in action. As my wife has, he also commented that Gabrielle smiles a lot more than Gabe.
At the end of the session, my therapist asked if I wanted to exit via his private side-door, so that I would not have to go out back through the office and lobby of the building. I told him that I’d prefer to go out the same way I came in. I didn’t mind passing by people along the way… although walking in that pencil skirt wearing heels was still rather tricky.
A successful public outing as Gabrielle
It wasn’t much, but going to my therapist as Gabrielle was gratifying and gave me the opportunity to examine how I feel, move, and behave when interacting with others as such. It may seem odd to some – that I have to pay such close attention to my own behavior as Gabrielle, but that’s how I learn what’s working and what needs improving upon. As Gabrielle, I am not simply Gabe in drag, but rather existing in and exploring my feminine side. Because most of my life was spent trying to suppress it, it’s going to take some time to get worked out.
Not ready to call it a day
After arriving home and talking to my wife about my day thus far, I felt an overwhelming urge to get back out of the house. Where to go and what to do? My wife suggested that I head to a nearby mall – the same one that I’ve driven to a few times before (en femme), but never left the car out of the fear of being harmed. There are a number of closed-minded, tough-guy macho-types in my town and they don’t take kindly to people like me. It was early afternoon though. These guys should still be at work or in school. It should be relatively safe.
Deciding to head back out and visit a local mall, my day out in public as Gabrielle was not over, but this write-up is. Thanks for joining me for a while. I’ll fill you in on my first stroll through a mall en femme next time. It was a rather sobering experience…
Related content: crossdressing in public
Tags: crossdressing, mental health, personal goals, public crossdressing
By Jessica on Oct 5, 2009 | Reply
Awesome, great job on getting out again. I remember when I went to therapy en femme a while back and how comfortable it felt because therapists are so non-judgmental and welcoming.
Not surprisingly, that was my first time out crossdressed, and I didn’t do it again for many years.
Keep up the good work, can’t wait to hear about your mall trip :)
By Gabrielle on Oct 5, 2009 | Reply
Thanks, Jessica. :) I knew my therapist would be cool with everything as we had discussed it on and off over many sessions. My main concern was the environment around me and how well I would handle interaction with others along the way – both of which were fine during that outing.
My later stroll through the mall did not go as well, but it does involve some positives with the negatives.
By Lynn Jones on Oct 5, 2009 | Reply
Ah, the penalties of a pencil skirt. I hope there were no steep stairs to climb, they’re the killer :)
Congrats for making the effort and for pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. The laughter thing isn’t so nice, but what can you do? Well, other than face them and smile back.
By Gabrielle on Oct 5, 2009 | Reply
Thanks, Lynn. :) Yeah – not a lot of room to move in a pencil skirt. Thank God my therapist’s office is on the first floor. I had a heck of a time just getting out of my car without drawing attention! lol
You know – I didn’t think to look back at the woman and smile. I should really try that next time (and there will be many next times on the laughter front, I’m sure). A look in the eye with a polite smile might just send an interesting message, as in “Yes, this is me and I’m happy to be this way.” Looks like I’ve got a homework assignment for next time…
By Erin on Oct 7, 2009 | Reply
Great story and good for you! I especially like the fact that you said you’d “prefer to go out the way you came in”. Thank you for posting this one!
By Gabrielle on Oct 8, 2009 | Reply
Thanks, and you’re welcome, Erin. :) My therapist was kind to offer me the “easier” way out, but I get out en femme to experience, grow and learn, not hide. ;)
By Sally on Nov 6, 2009 | Reply
From your photo I find it hard to beleive you would not pass at least a little bit… ;-) It might help to tone down your outfit and go for blending, anyone laughing might not even know you are a guy, they might be noticing that your clothes are out of place and then they figure it out. …oh for the walking, try walking on your tip toes and as if a string is pulling up on the top of your head to hold your posture straight and you can get a pretty femine walk going.
By Gabrielle on Nov 6, 2009 | Reply
Thanks for the compliment on my appearance, Sally. :) Looking passable in a 2D photo is a lot easier than looking passable in 3D person, at least with my physical attributes. I do probably need to also “dress down”, or go for what I refer to as “drab femme”. I’ve been resisting that look, but it’s probably my best bet when going out in public. You called me on the posture thing – have you by chance seen me walk before? lol I have difficulty maintaining good feminine posture when I can’t see myself walking (in a reflection). I definitely need more practice in that department. Thank you for the posture tip – good advice. :)
By Daniel on Nov 17, 2009 | Reply
I just found your blog and I wanted to leave you just one more small note among the others to let you know how many of us are encouraged by your writing. I’m currently on an extended break from my more feminine expressions, but I still have to tell you how extremely impressed I am to hear about how graciously you’ve been able to react to the common slights of others that can discourage people in the trans and cross dressing communities. I look forward to getting back to that side of myself and when I do I’ll be thinking of how classily Gabrielle did it. Thanks!
By Gabrielle on Nov 17, 2009 | Reply
Thanks for your kind words, Daniel! I appreciate that. :) Sorry to hear you’re on break from the femme side of things for now, but I’m sure things will work out for you in time. :)
Never let the name-callers, laughers and haters get to you. They’re not worth it. Most of them are just miserable jerks looking to spread misery on what they think is “easy prey”. Too bad for them – I’m NOT miserable! lol I hope they never get you miserable either. :)
By Pythos on Jan 27, 2010 | Reply
You are going to a therapist, there are times I have considered this for other issues in my life. I don’t consider my self expression an issue…I consider how others deal with it as one.
But seeing you are dealing with someone in the psychiatric community I need to ask how they deal with your crossdressing.
I kinda put worry into to myself when I read the that the DSM still describes what we do as a male only perverse thing. This angers me due to the male only stance.
The therapist is not trying to get you to stop, or re-programming you are they?
By Gabrielle on Jan 27, 2010 | Reply
That’s a good question, Pythos. My crossdressing is not why I have a psychiatrist. It isn’t even a topic discussed in every session.
As for how my doctor treats the matter, it is simply an aspect of humanity to him. He has encouraged me to be myself rather than change anything (in regard to my crossdressing). He made a rather interesting comment during the session in which I revealed this aspect of my life. I wrote about what he said in this post: Until Society Has Their Way With Them.
It is very disturbing that there still those who treat this as some kind of psychological defect. They may as well be telling people to belive the world is flat. There was a time in which expressing the idea that the world is not flat would result in terrible ridicule and seen as blasphemy. Sound familiar?
By Pythos on Jan 27, 2010 | Reply
Indeed it does. It also shows we humans have not learned for the most part.
By camie on Mar 22, 2011 | Reply
i enjoy reading a lot of interesting thoughts on your site ive also seen a therapist and have gone threw all that even used the lady’s room of course no one was around but seemed something i had to do well i was there.very encouraging.
thank your for sharing =)
camie maire stoll
By Gabrielle on Mar 22, 2011 | Reply
Hi Camie. Thanks for sharing a little of your own experience. I hope all has been going well for you in therapy and in life in general. :)
By Wendae on May 10, 2011 | Reply
I’m seeing a therapist as well. For me it is the only oppertunity I get to leave the house dressed. It is a 45 min drive that I look forward to. The therapist’s office is small and I’ve had to sit within 5 or 6 feet of of adults and children. So far no laughs or stares. The receptionist is very professional and calls me by my fem name. My therapist is a female and very accomadating. I’m always complimented on my attire. As you know a girl loves compliments. Since I’ve started these visits my wife has loosened up and I get now dress at home when I feel the need.
My visits to the therapist were related to the frustration of not being able to express myself. My heavy drinking and tremors had gotten out of control. These visits have helped.
By Gabrielle on May 10, 2011 | Reply
Thanks for sharing, Wendae. :) I’m happy to hear that therapy has been helpful and played a role in your wife being more accepting of you. That’s great! It makes perfect sense that your feelings of frustration were directly related to your not being able to express yourself in a meaningful way. Been there. Done that. It sounds like things are moving in the right direction in your life and marriage and I hope they continue to do so. :)
By shy girlie on Oct 29, 2011 | Reply
How awful that you were laughed at in the waiting room of a counselor’s office. I mean, not awful for you. Awful for the person or people who were laughing. No one likes being ridiculed, of course. But how small-minded can someone be to say, “Look at her! (snicker) Yew know whut SHE is don’t yew Vern?” I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t pass, but the raw courage it must take to simply say, “I don’t care what some others think” and then do what makes you happy is admirable. I’m at home typing this and feeling like a prisoner in my own home, because I feel intimidated by going outside with my freshly curled hair (gotta have a cute ribbon, you know) and my miniskirt and boots. As they say, all dolled up and nowhere to go. Where I live, the neanderthals here wouldn’t hesitate to slash my tires or break out the windows in my car if they saw me en femme. (They’re SO brave.)
By shy girlie on Oct 29, 2011 | Reply
By that last comment I meant that it is awful that someone would actually be small-minded enough to laugh at you just because you didn’t fit their narrow ideal of how people should look. I should have clarified that. Sorry for the goof.
By Gabrielle on Oct 29, 2011 | Reply
Nope, I don’t appreciate being laughed at, Shy Girlie. No one does. Even so, I do understand her reaction. Like it or not, and I do NOT like it, but it is the reality – crossdressing is very unpopular in the mainstream perception. It’s a social taboo that carries a negative stigma. Most people don’t understand it at all and either fill in the blanks with the most negative reasoning (ie: they must be crazy, or disturbed, or confused, or suffered an unimaginable childhood or whatever) or they have been taught throughout their life that crossdressers are ______. Fill in the blank with every negative cliche about crossdressers that you’ve ever heard – there’s no shortage of the garbage people say about us. Anyway, not having knowledge about what it *really* is and feeling awkward in the moment often leads to this kind of reasoning: “I’m not sure how to act in this situation that is new to me… what do I do? Nervous laughter!” With some people, the is not nervous at all, but a true reaction of amusement at the “very strange individual” they see. Kind of like how one might laugh at an extremely overweight person or someone with mental retardation. It’s not nice to do that, but many people do find it funny, right or wrong, and their reaction is to laugh.
Anyway, there are many reasons people laugh. They’re not *all* centered around being mean or small-minded. Often, it’s the result of lack of knowledge followed by a nervous laughter. That is what I believe the waiting room woman was exhibiting. I’ve been laughed at in very mean ways, too, which is unfortunately very common.
I understand your fears about the local neanderthals expressing their neanderthal-super-macho-manliness by vandalizing your property. Displays like that are the true act of total cowardice, as I’m sure you meant in your “they’re SO brave” comment. I don’t call people like this cowardly to “get back at them”, but rather just calling a spade a spade. People tend to fear what they don’t understand, and consequently hate what they fear. I’ll let you do your own research on the psychology of hate and intimidation and their link to fear (and cowardice). I’m pretty sure you’re well aware of these things already, though.
I’m sorry you’re “all dolled up with nowhere to go”. It’s the story of my life, too, and many others. It’s too bad we still live in the stone ages when it comes to transgender issues, but things are what they are – worse in some places and not so bad in others, but well behind where they need to be. Things are slowly changing, and I believe in the future laughing at a transgender person will be considered as socially unacceptable as laughing at someone because they’re a different race. I’m not sure I’ll see that time while I’m still young enough to benefit from it, but it is coming. In the meantime – remember there are so many people like us out there, from police officers to political leaders, CEO’s, firefighters, lawyers, martial artists, artists, and countless other professions. You’re never alone, even when you feel like a “prisoner in your own home”. When we ALL live in glass houses, the world will be a very, very different place, and those who ridicule us today will be the outcasts of tomorrow. ;)