Jun
24th

Crossdressing Myth #5: It is a Destructive Addiction

Filed under crossdressing, crossdressing myths, rants | Posted by Gabrielle

crossdressing myths

A lot of people seem to think that crossdressing is an addiction because most crossdressers cannot stop crossdressing even if they tried. Sadly, there is a good number of crossdressers who feel that their own crossdressing is a terrible addiction they need to rid themselves of. We all grow up learning about how “wrong” crossdressing is. It’s driven into our heads repeatedly throughout our lives.

Myth: Crossdressing is an addiction like alcoholism or any other drug dependency that must be overcome. Fact: Although crossdressing may be addictive to some, crossdressing itself is not an addiction, but rather a personal trait like being right or left handed.

Here is the word “addiction” as defined by two popular online dictionary resources:

Marriam-Webster definition:
Addiction: (2) compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly: persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

Dictionary.com definition:
Addiction: the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

Almost anything enjoyable can become an addiction. Not including obvious drugs, people have become addicted to television, food, sex, gambling, the internet, gaming (video games), extreme sports (like sky diving), and working (workaholic) to name a few. Each of the mentioned “addictions” are perfectly normal, everyday activities accepted by most of society. Normal, accepted activities or not, sometimes people do become addicted and it can have devastating consequences on their lives.

Because people have the potential to become addicted to playing video games, does that mean that a video game enthusiast is automatically an addict? What about a hard core football fan who eats, lives, and breathes football – would they be considered an addict because of their extreme love of the game and all things related? I think in both cases, to cease the desired activity of choice would cause withdrawal, perhaps even “severe trauma”. How many football lovers do you know could just give up the game? If they cannot give it up, does it make their “addictive” behavior a destructive force in their lives?

If an activity does not consume a person’s time and resources to the extent that responsibilities are neglected and/or physical harm is caused, is there truly a problem?

Sports, gaming, and watching television are each well accepted activities in today’s society. With few exceptions, none of these activities are seen as addictions or destructive behaviors simply because people indulge. It is unlikely that people who enjoy these activities posses the will power to just give them up and stop forever. In most cases, there is no reason to do so anyway.

So why then do so many people consider crossdressing such an evil addiction? It has been established that crossdressing, like any other activity, can become an addiction to some, but why consider crossdressing an addiction, period? Is it because it is a social taboo? Is it because it makes some people uncomfortable? Is it because of all the other idiotic crossdressing myths put together?

Here’s my theory: Those who classify crossdressing as an addiction simply don’t like the idea of crossdressing, period, and think that vilifying it and shaming people will make it go away. Sadly, in some cases this tactic does work and people will be shamed into giving up crossdressing. With enough reinforcement though, you can pretty much shame any confused person into anything.

As I stated in the opening paragraph of this myth, some crossdressers classify crossdressing as an addiction. They believe they are addicted, it is no good for them, and feel the need to quit. I once fell into this category, but only because my mind had been filled with all the negative garbage and lies about it. Wouldn’t it be interesting if football was the big social taboo and football fans were constantly made to feel bad about themselves for their love of the “evil” game. If that argument sounds silly to you, then perhaps I made my point.

Crossdressing, on the whole, is no more an addiction than anything else people do and enjoy because it is a part of who they are. If you disagree because crossdressers can’t stop, then keep in mind the football fan who can’t give up football. The only major difference is that society frowns on one, and not the other. Neither are destructive behaviors in and of themselves.

Consider this: Most people love chocolate. If you don’t care for chocolate, then pick another food that you really enjoy – chips, pretzels, ice cream, pork, steak, whatever. I’m going to use chocolate for this example, but please substitute your own favorite food or snack.

Stop eating chocolate forever. Never pick up another piece of the dark, delicious treat ever again. You’ll still see all those commercials for chocolate candy bars, candy coated chocolate, chocolate ice cream, milkshakes, soft, hot homemade chocolate chip cookies, etc. People will still enjoy chocolate in front of you, but you must never touch it again. If you do, then you obviously need professional help because you’re clearly addicted and this destructive behavior needs to be overcome. ;)

Funny how no one hates chocolate lovers or sports enthusiasts. Why then crossdressers? What on earth did we do to deserve all this? God forbid we’re allowed to be ourselves.

 
Related content: Crossdressing Myths

 

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20 Responses to “Crossdressing Myth #5: It is a Destructive Addiction”

  1. By Mina on Jun 28, 2009 | Reply

    I really like your example with chocolate. I agree on how any activity may become an addiction. Sometimes I wish we lived in a time where no sexual boundaries existed. Where all these stupid taboos, myths and social expectations didn’t influence us and individuality wasn’t as bad as a crime.
    Anyways, good post. :)

    Ciao.

  2. By Gabrielle on Jun 28, 2009 | Reply

    We’ll eventually get there, Mina. We’re still in the 1950′s when it comes to transgendered issues… and honestly almost any other issue having to do with sexuality, gender, and even sex itself.

    In the future, the senseless myths, taboos, and social expectations will seem as ridiculous as the idea of not allowing women to wear pants or vote would seem to day. These too, were once outrageous concepts that much of society clung to with a vengeance.

    Unfortunately, I don’t know what that future will arrive. There are so many people who just don’t understand and so many who simply don’t want to understand.

    It is funny when you think about it – all the idiotic things that people get all bent out of shape over. And people think society is so advanced these days. I beg to differ.

    We’ll get there one day, though. :)

  3. By Kelly on May 10, 2010 | Reply

    I have been a “closet” crossdresser since I was 12.I am now in my mid 30′s and still enjoy dressing up very much.I get home every day and dress up as sometimes I will wear a wig and make-up,nail polish,and High heels and just walk around the house and sit and watch tv fully dressed.I change into different outfits and wear them for an hour or so. I even sleep in night gowns/night shirts with tights or pantyhose on.”if it makes u happy it can’t be that bad”

  4. By pythos on Jun 23, 2010 | Reply

    There are times I feel that I am addicted to crossdressing.

    I far prefer the feel and look of hose and skirt to jeans. I love to squeeze into my spandex jeans, opposed to putting on a pair of ill fitting slacks.

    I like to have my own look opposed to the blank slate that is my “normal” face.

    But then I look at people that say that “they would die if they didn’t have so on and so forth.” Like some sport, or book, or drink, and so on.

    I know that when I wear what I like I am also limiting what I can do. But is this due to me, or is it due to closed minded people? I think the answer to that is, yes.

    It is both parties’ faults. It is my fault for allowing fear to control my action, and it is “society’s” fault for being such sheep.

    I was recently invited to a live roll playing Vampire campaign. I was already planning on having an androgynous vampire character, (shock and horror, the looks of which would be not far from my preferred look) During the planning session with my friends that were all gung ho to have some really exotic characters, we spend an hour batting around ideas and in the end we end up with four Malkaivians, that run a bar (it started off as a Goth, Bondage club, not unlike that seen in Matrix Reloaded), but over time ended up being a “dive”, and our characters became average as far as looks were concerned to maintain the “mascarade”.

    Now because of this, I am thinking of not attending. I wanted to play FANTASY. Not average run of the mill, wearing jeans in place of a long elegant skirt, or tight sexy catsuit.

    So in this case, I am limiting myself due to my desire to wear what I like. I am still working on this though. Hopefully I can persuade the change of minds.

    *For those that don’t know. Vampire LARP, or live action roll playing, is a game. It is like dungeons and dragons, but instead of adventurers in a fantasy world, you play the role of a vampire of several different types. It is done as a live action opposed to table top. In other words you physically play your character, which means costumes and acting. :)
    VERY nerdy, but if done with the right group it can be great fun*

  5. By Gabrielle on Jun 23, 2010 | Reply

    Thanks for sharing, Pythos. :) In regard to the “addiction” angle, I think a lot of people mistake very meaningful things in their lives for “addiction” when those things fall outside the “norm”. That is not to say that this is always the case, but I do tend to see a lot of people proactively trying to justify their beloved [insert item/activity] and explain how it isn’t an addition before going into it out of fear that it might be labeled as “unhealthy” by others. I also notice a lot of trans folk talking about their need to crossdress as a compulsion or “addiction” in a way that is far more suggestive of guilt brought on by knowledge of how society views transgenderism and NOT in a way that is truly indicative of real addiction. It is interesting how all people have a very real *need* to be themselves, and yet when that (very normal) need goes against the grain of the mainstream “norm”, it is wrongfully reclassified as a “compulsion” or “addiction”. Very sad.

    If you’re addicted to your own need to be **yourself**, Pythos, then I wouldn’t call that a real addiction. So long as it does not inhibit your ability to function (meaning take care of necessary business in life, NOT just when you feel the need to be private), then it is certainly not unhealthy or an addiction.

    Nerdy or not, vampire LARP or just LARP in general sounds pretty cool to me. It’s a shame the group you’re planning with has downgraded the game to mundane “everyday” blah, blah. If you don’t mind a little push from yours truly, regardless of what the others decide upon for themselves, have the courage to at least request (ask) to do things your way. If they feel it would detract from the game because of what they’re trying to do, then you must respect that and decline or participate in the mutually agreed upon way. If they do not have an issue with it, then go for it. You’ll NOT be alone – you’ll be among friends. :) You’ll just happen to look the coolest and feel the best inside. ;) If you go it alone (as in the only one really dressed up as you like), then be sure to OWN it. There are no insecurities about what others might think. There is ONLY the mighty Pythos – LARP enthusiast, and master of all that is and all that matters [in your life]. :)

  6. By pythos on Jun 27, 2010 | Reply

    Gabrielle,
    I did it. I went in my adrogynous mode for the game. I wore all black (duh), which consisted of my American Apparel disco pant (gads I love these things), dress shirt, motor cycle boots, and a short cotton jacket. Ankh, black long rocker wig, and tame make up. Loosely worn around my waist my thick ringed belt.

    My character being the adrogynous male goth bartender. Completely as far as looks were concerned patterned off my clubbing self. A fine line between masculine and feminine.

    I was completely accepted, and drew the attention of a couple of females, both in game and out. Very nice. My three friends and my self, and two others were the most decked out, out of 50 people who chose to go very mundane.

    The game was interesting, I was a bit shy, which is not unusual for me.

    But later on in the game I got more into it.

    During the after game we were explaining our characters and I explained what mine was, and the basis. No one objected to my views of clothing choices, and one girl was intrigued when I mentioned Malcom (my character), would show up in all manner of styles, not excluding heels and or catsuits.

    This should be the most fun I have had in years. Or I sure hope so.

    LOL

  7. By Gabrielle on Jun 27, 2010 | Reply

    That’s awesome, Pythos! :) I’m so happy to hear you went through with it and that you had a great time. Better yet, everyone involved had no objections AND you drew intrigue from at least one woman because of how you presented yourself.

    Much respect to you for going through with it, Pythos! Even though you weren’t truly “crossdressed” but rather doing the (in my own words) somewhere in between or “androgynous” look, I think it’s safe to say that choosing to go out in public and participate in a group activity like this in you preferred style offered you the chance to have a much better time and fully enjoy yourself far more than had you gone out in “normal” (socially accepted) attire. That certainly doesn’t sound like a “destructive addiction” to me. ;)

  8. By Ross on Dec 22, 2010 | Reply

    Dear Gabrielle,

    Very interesting discussion here that I would like to ask a question about.

    I feel that cross-dressing is an addiction or better said a ‘compulsion.

    I can only talk of my own personal experience and that is, I fall in and out of cross-dressing periods (more like seasons). However, I will eventually come back to the cd lifestyle for short periods and then drift off again. It is not predictable, but it has it’s own natural rythym.

    A strange thing happens to me though, and that is whenever i go back to cross-dressing. I start to have night sweats and my body gives off a terrible odour that has to be disguised with heavy cologne.

    I was wondering if anybody else had this experience?

    Thank you

  9. By Gabrielle on Dec 22, 2010 | Reply

    Thanks for chiming in, Ross. I understand your take on crossdressing and how it sits in your personal feelings. It is not uncommon for many crossdressers to mistake crossdressing for an “unnatural condition” and therefore feel that something is wrong with them for having the need, often seen as a “compulsion” to crossdress. Although it is widely accepted in modern psychology that crossdressing/transgenderism is *not*, in fact, an unnatural condition or indicative of something wrong that needs to be corrected, it is still much of a social taboo. It is because of the taboo and social stigma that many crossdressers themselves feel that something is wrong with them for being this way. Crossdressing can often become a source of anxiety and stress in individuals who dislike this aspect of their life. It was once something I was terribly uncomfortable with myself.

    I am only speculating here, but it may be possible that your night sweats are brought on by an increased level of anxiety experienced during your active crossdressing phases or “seasons” as you put it. Stress and anxiety are known factors to cause night sweats. The next time you are experiencing night sweats, take a good look at your personal emotional state and see if you can identify an increased feeling of anxiety/stress. Identifying these emotions within oneself isn’t always as easy as checking one’s pulse or temperature, but it can be learned, if not immediately clear. There is a lot of good material available on the web that can help determine whether or not one is experiencing an increased level of anxiety through examining a set of personal criteria. A little time spent researching (on the anxiety angle) may offer some useful insight as to the cause of your night sweats.

    I was experiencing night seats myself not long ago. They were not related in any identifiable way to my being trans. After seeing a few doctors who were unable to find anything wrong with me that would cause the night sweats, I began to look into other possible factors. In my case, they were more than likely caused by high stress levels in my life. After I took deliberate action to make life changes and thus reduce my stress level, my night sweats subsided. I didn’t make these changes in my life to cure my night sweats, but rather to improve the quality of my personal outlook and mood. It was an unexpected added bonus that my night sweats had stopped. Only in retrospect did I come to the conclusion that they were most likely caused by high anxiety in the first place.

    I hope you are able to resolve yours, Ross. I also hope that in time, you do fully realize that crossdressing is not an addiction or compulsion, but rather only interpreted that way by those who see it as something “wrong” or a “condition”. I would suggest that if there were no social stigma attached to being trans, you may instead refer to your “addiction” as simply a need to be yourself – a very natural need that everyone has. The line between feminine traits and masculine is not drawn down the middle based on what reproductive one has. That is a human-invented concept. Although the majority of men exhibit predominately “masculine” traits and the opposite for women, that does not define “normality”. It only represents majority or popularity. It was once a *popular* belief that the world was flat. The *majority* of people wholeheartedly believed it. Did the popular belief ever make it actually true?

  10. By michael on Feb 11, 2011 | Reply

    why is it that all the issues with crossdressing subject come about because of men who dress like women.

  11. By Gabrielle on Feb 11, 2011 | Reply

    I wish I knew, Michael… actually, I do know. It’s no mystery at all. The nutshell version is that we’re still living in a 1950′s like era when it comes to transgender issues. Just as mainstream (white) society generally treated black people poorly (to put it lightly), so today do mainstream (non-trans) people treat transgender folk poorly. In both cases, the reason is mostly the same. People often fear that which they don’t understand and that fear generally leads to hate. It’s not always fear motivated hate, but also just plain hatred of anything that isn’t understood, different, undesirable, etc. I guess the nutshell, nutshell version is that many people tend to dislike anything that is not in line with that which they are accustomed and used to, based on how they grew up and feel about the world around them and how that world should be (according to them).

    The good news is that society is changing and growing up, if ever so slowly. I’ve met plenty of (non-trans) people who are very cool and accepting of me as I am. The “haters” are essentially dinosaurs – a dying group, slowly dwindling in numbers with each new generation, as each new generation is better educated than the one before. It will be some time yet before trans folk are openly “welcome” among mainstream society the way other minorities (that were once oppressed) are now, but things are changing. :)

  12. By Ross on Jun 27, 2011 | Reply

    Dear Gabrielle,

    Thank you for your post. Originally I thought that my post was not successfully uploaded and was surpised to not only see my post, but to see your eloquent response.

    I guess I am back in the ‘season’ and am online again searching for answers to my night sweats.

    A lot has changed since then, I do feel that i am a little bit more accepting of myself and understanding of the drivers for my cd lifestyle. (That still does not stop the night sweats when i have dressed that night).

    I have come to realise that the bravest person in the world is the cross-dresser; here is a person who has to face their own inner fears and go against the rules projected upon us by society at large. To face down that fear and move forward is a big thing.

    However, turning back is not an option either.

    I will take you up on your advice and look at ways of reducing my stress levels.

    Until next time, take care.

    Ross

  13. By Gabrielle on Jun 28, 2011 | Reply

    Hi, Ross, and welcome back. :)  I’m happy to hear that you’ve become a little more accepting of yourself and have a better understanding of things.  It seems you have indeed grown wiser since last “season”.

    I like your take on crossdressers being the “bravest people” in the world.  There is so much truth to that.  It really does take a lot of courage to be yourself in a world that encourages conformity and often punishes individuality and difference.  I think it is very courageous and brave of you to push forward and accept yourself as you are, and (hopefully) realize and understand that you’re not suffering from any compulsion or condition, but rather been blessed with a beautiful gift, albeit one that is often not very popular among the masses.  Popular or not, I LOVE being my feminine self and would not trade it for anything.  You’re right – it is a “big thing” to move forward, face those fears, and work through the feelings of uncertainty while just trying to be yourself and make it in the world.

    You may experience bumps along the way, but it sounds like you’re on the right path now.  I think you’ll do fine. :)

    In terms of your night sweats, I really think that they’ll start to subside when you are able to reduce stress levels in your life.  There could be other factors at play, but you’ll get it under control in time, I’m sure.

    Keep up the good work, Ross, and take things one day at a time.

  14. By Sheila on Nov 5, 2012 | Reply

    Hi
    First of all let me ask you to visit things from all possible sides.
    I am a crossdresser since i was a kid. Now im 30 and i find myself sick and addicted. I dont want to crossdress anymore since years but im just too weak to quit, or my addiction is too strong.
    You can ask: why i think im sick? definetely NOT because the mainstream of the soceity thinks that crossdressing is sick. No. Where i live the mainstream accepts it. I could wear sain blouse and pantyhose 24/7 noone would ever had any problems with it. It is an addiction because it makes me meanwhile i wear it (chemically my brain) happy, until i “finish”, because of the dopamine etc etc. we all know the story. and its true. So if you can not accept your crossdressing addiction go and find help! If you CAN accept it, than live with it. There is always a way!

  15. By Gabrielle on Nov 5, 2012 | Reply

    Hi Sheila. Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry to hear about your struggles and hope you will soon find peace.

    As I stated in the original article, some crossdressers are indeed addicted (to crossdressing) in an unhealthy way. It’s hard to say whether or not you fall into this category based on what you have written. You offered the following as being indicative of your “addiction”: “It is an addiction because it makes me meanwhile i wear it (chemically my brain) happy, until i “finish”, because of the dopamine etc etc. we all know the story. and its true”.

    For many people, eating chocolate is a very pleasurable thing. It causes a temporary rise in dopamine levels, which is part of the chemical reaction that causes us to feel good. This is very normal and without the dopamine reward in response to consuming chocolate, the experience would not be considered pleasurable.

    Low dopamine levels may result in one being more prone to addiction. For instance, for some people with low dopamine levels, food consumption itself becomes a powerful addition that leads to various eating disorders. I’m not suggesting that you suffer from low dopamine levels, but rather pointing out one way in which dopamine may be involved in an actual addition, and that for many people, the dopamine reward for eating chocolate, crossdressing and many other enjoyable activities is very normal.

    It’s unclear as to why you want to stop crossdressing other than in your own mind, it has become very undesirable. Aside from your inability to stop, I am very curious as to the factors that have lead you to perceive crossdressing as such, if, as you say, mainstream acceptance (or lack there of) plays no role.

    Addictions can have a very negative impact on one’s quality of life. Recognizing an addiction as an addiction is the first step to recovery. It’s important not to confuse *every* activity that one cannot stop as an addiction. In other words, I’m not going to stop enjoying chocolate any time soon, regardless of who says my inability to do so means I have a chocolate addiction. For the record, I do very much enjoy chocolate and there is always some on hand at home. If eating chocolate were something that ended up becoming harmful to me, causing damage to my body or otherwise interfering with my ability to function day to day, then there would need to be corrective measures taken.

    If however, for whatever reason, I simply had the perception that eating chocolate was undesirable (or wrong or destructive or a sin), but that no matter how hard I tried to stop eating chocolate forever, I kept breaking down and consuming a chocolate bar, feeling guilty about it, even though there was no harm to my physical health or ability to function day to day, then there would be a very different psychological problem manifesting and not a chocolate addiction.

    One thing is for certain. Most of the stress people experience in their lives is self-inflicted due to a perception or belief that is in conflict with reality. It’s called “cognitive dissonance” and almost everyone suffers, or has suffered, from it at one time or another. To be clear, I am **not** suggesting, in any way, that “addiction” is not real, but rather making a point that many people believe they suffer from a “sickness” that is not truly a sickness, but instead a misperception.

    For those who crossdressing has, in fact, become a destructive force in their lives, just as for those who have serious eating disorders, or any other form of harmful behavior, it is very important to acknowledge the problem and seek help accordingly. It is also very important to acknowledge that everyone is different and there is no such thing as a “one size fits all” solution to anything. This is especially true when a “solution” to one person’s troubles can also be very toxic to another.

  16. By Lynn on Nov 28, 2012 | Reply

    It’s only harmful when there is no balance. My husband treats his cross dressing as a fetish which I accept; but when he is in this mode – nothing else matters. I will have worked all day and come home to nothing done, house trashed, kids fending for themselves, no groceries – all he’s done all day is dressed and looked at porn. He’s also spent a good deal of money buying clothes, toys, etc. When he is not in this mode he will do things like buy groceries and clean. He is the same way about video games – won’t play for a long time – then bam – its all he cares about and does nothing but play video games. I’ve been with him a long time, I’m supportive, but he goes in cycles with certain feel good activities, where they completely take over – does seem like an addiction to me when it’s in an unhealthy way.

  17. By Gabrielle on Nov 29, 2012 | Reply

    Thanks for sharing, Lynn. I agree that when an activity takes over one’s life to the point that responsibilities are neglected, it’s not a healthy thing. I’m sorry to hear your husband goes for lengthy periods in which he neglects his responsibilities while wrapped up in his own thing. The silver lining here is the fact that these phases seem to be temporary rather than “the norm” and he does return to a more attentive/responsible state after.

    I appreciate the fact that you pointed out that these self-absorbed phases are not limited to his crossdressing, but also include video game binging. It’s a great real-world example of how any *normal* desirable activity may end up becoming an unhealthy behavior when it interferes with one’s ability to follow through with responsibilities and/or result in a decrease in health (of the subject and/or those around the subject).

    It is not clear based on what you have written, but if you have not already, these periods of absolute self-absorbtion by your husband should be addressed and discussed. It’s important to express how it makes you (and your family) feel when this happens and allow your husband an opportunity to express what is going on in his life and how he feels about things. The “feel good activities” phases may be brought on by emotions or feelings that your husband has yet to share with you, and perhaps not fully understand, himself. The discussion should not be an attack or even confrontational, but rather just a discussion about what you see taking place, how it makes you feel, and explore options that are healthier for everyone (as everyone is affected by such behavior).

    Good luck with everything, Lynn. I hope you’re able to work things out so that everyone ends up happier and healthier as a result! :)

  18. By k on May 27, 2013 | Reply

    There is no such thing as cross-dressing. Long hair does not make you look like a woman. It makes you look like a person with long hair. Same goes for dresses, jewelry, make-up, etc. None of these are inherently female in any way. Men have long hair, naturally.

  19. By Monica Mc Donough on Aug 3, 2014 | Reply

    I am very confused with the whole cross dressing lifestyle. My husband just came out after 10yrs of asking him about the women underwear I’ve been finding all over our house. We have 4 boys and have been married for 7yrs. I’m totally fine with him doing it but I can’t believe he’s not gay or bi-sexual. Can a man really dress up like a woman and NOT want men? Confused!! Am I a cover up? I told him we should just co-parent so he can live alone and be himself. He don’t want a divorce, but why not if he’s living a double life? Answers please…

  20. By Gabrielle on Aug 4, 2014 | Reply

    I can certainly understand your confusion, Monica. It must feel unsettling to discover such a secret about your husband of 7 years. Did your husband use you as a cover for a secret life of being gay or bi? If crossdressing is the only factor at play in your question, then the answer is: he is probably a straight man who married you because he’s romantically interested in women, was very much in love with you, and wanted to raise a family together.

    Most crossdressers are straight. Most gay men have no interest in wearing women’s clothes. Some of my gay friends have expressed having some (past) resentment for trans women and crossdressers because they felt that mainstream society believed that gay men wanted to go around wearing dresses and makeup confusing trans women and crossdressers with gay men.

    Have you ever caught your husband checking out another attractive woman? Have you ever caught him checking out a man? If the former has taken place, but not the latter, then that should give you some additional insight as to his sexual orientation.

    Men crossdress for a different reasons, but in *most* cases, it’s an expression of their feminine side, and not a secret desire to be with a man, romantically.

    Crossdressers are unfortunately, one of the most misunderstood groups of people. With a lack of any real information, people tend to fill in the blanks with worst case senarios, most of which are compeltely wrong.

    Try to concentrate on the relationship you’ve had with your husband for the past 10 years. Aside from the fact that he was hiding his crossdressing from you, how did everything else feel? Think about a handful of strong memories and revisit how you felt during those times. Without second guessing things based on your current confusion, at the time you experienced the memories, did they feel genuine and good to you? As you replay your relationship in your mind, does it bring peaceful, happy feelings? Under the assumption your husband is *not* secretly gay, do you feel the relationship is worth salvaging?

    If the answer is yes, then you need to have some in-depth conversations with your husband and discuss. You’re going to need to be calm and open-minded for this, so I suggest waiting until you’re feeling a little less upset and a little more ready to talk. Talking is the key word. If an argument breaks out, then it’s time to take a time out and discuss at another time. Once an argument has started, chances are one or both of you will be more caught up in *making* the other person wrong rather than trying to come to an understanding. The key is to share and learn about each other, NOT judge, condemn or disparage.

    Let your husband explain his crossdressing to you and try to just be open-minded. While he’s explaining, you want to listen and learn. Don’t jump in and declare your rejection of anything during this conversation. Let him share how thiings work in his life. Ask questions, but do not judge. Again, you want to *learn* and collect information. After you’ve discussed this aspect of his life, give it a day or two (or more, if necessary) to sink in. Allow yourself some time to digest this new information. Then have another discussion about what’s necessary for *both* of you to be happy in your relationship.

    It takes two people committed to a relationship for it to work. If one of you is no longer committed, or if you discover that there is insufficient compatibility between you, the relationshi will likely fail.

    Try to calm down all the “what if” questions going on in your mind. They’re just *thoughts* based on your fears and have nothing to do with reality. Center yourself. Try to keep an open mind, and have a discussion with your husband. If there’s too much anxiety present, you’re not going to be able to make anything good come of it, so be mindful of “mental dramas” that may play out in your mind and try to remain focused on the moment – real life, *not* “what if…” thoughts.

    I hope this helps a little. You and your husband both deserve to be happy and at peace in your lives. I hope that if you cannot find happiness together, that you can at least find a way to be kind and civil to each other if a separation needs to take place. After the pain, there will be happier times on the other side. If you are both committed and work together, the happier times may be *with* each other, rather than without. I wish you all the best. <3

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