I have been having a really hard time adjusting to my boyfriend crossdressing. He told me when we had been together for two months. It has been a year since he told me and I am still adjusting. Is it normal to adjust so slowly? I guess I feel that I’m not in a normal relationship, and I feel like I am not the only girl in the relationship at times. He is very manly all other times and I love him so much. We live together and he is amazing.
My Problem lately has been that I feel I am taking pictures for everyone on the internet to see. He posts them almost immediately after I take them. He says that he feels sexy when people comment them. Another thing is that I want to dress up in sexy outfits too, but he never asks me to.
Another thing that he does is anal. He loves when I use a strap-on on him. This is the thing that frightens me the most. He has told me before that he wants to know what a real one feels like and I am afraid he will like it to much. I grew up in a house where this kind of stuff meant you were gay. And even if he is bi it scares me, because I do not want to share him with anyone else. He said that he likes having sex with me way to much to ever go gay but what if later on in life he does. I’m so scared to lose him and he knows that so what if he does it behind my back. I have gone onto his account on his computer and I know it is wrong but the only porn he has is girls with dicks. I cried for three hours because I’m scared that he will want me to be that way. That seems to be what turns him on and I’m not like that. I know this is a very long post but please respond to it. I just need some advice. I am scared and need some comforting advice. Please Help!
In Love but Scared
Dear In Love but Scared,
I can certainly understand the difficulties you’ve had adjusting to your boyfriend’s behavior and the sense of uncertainty it has left in you. I think it is important to point out that based on what you’ve written, the issues seem to be more with his behavior and sexual interests than with his crossdressing.
Although you are scared and seek “comforting advice”, I think it is in your best interest to draw attention to some important points rather than just try and provide a false sense of comfort. In the end, everything may indeed work out well between you both, and I hope that is the case. However, I believe you need to address some important things before that can become a reality.
Good communication is vital to the success of any relationship. That is true whether or not crossdressing or sexual preference comes into play. You should let each other know what is wanted, needed, and expected of the other. This needs to be communicated openly and honestly. I strongly recommend engaging in serious discussion about your concerns with your boyfriend.
Posting photos and feeling sexy
It’s not uncommon for crossdressers want to feel sexy (the same is often true for genetic women) and everyone enjoys getting compliments. There’s usually nothing wrong with that. It depends on the kind of attention that is being saught, received, and how you feel about that attention. If you sense there is more to your boyfriend’s posting pictures than he is letting on, you need to let him know how you feel and why.
If you want to dress sexy, don’t wait for your boyfriend to ask. Dress sexy and see how he reacts. He has expressed his need to feel sexy, remind him of your own need in that department. If you’re concerned that he is only interested in dressing sexy (himself) rather than seeing you dressed sexy, talk to him about it.
It sounds like your boyfriend may be bisexual, or at the very least, bi-curious. This in and of itself is generally harmless, depending on his level of curiosity. If you’ve discovered evidence that your boyfriend’s “porn” interests are only that of other crossdressers, it might indicate that his sexual interest leans more toward other (crossdressed) men rather than genetic women. It might also just mean that he’s interested in seeing others like himself. It depends on what he gets out of looking at the photos. It might be a good idea to ask.
If your personal interests are in a monogamous relationship, you need to communicate this with your boyfriend and make sure you’re both in agreement and committed to each other on that level.
Men (crossdressing and non) often have sexual fantasies that cannot be fulfilled by their partner. For instance, a man may fantasize about having sex with two women at the same time, or with a particular celebrity. Having such sexual fantasies is pretty common and does not necessarily mean they will ever be realized or even seriously pursued.
When it comes to gender expression and sexuality, there is often an aspect of personal discovery involved. Your boyfriend may still be discovering his own preferences. Ask him if his bisexual fantasies go beyond just a curiosity. He may not be entirely certain yet himself, so if he has some difficulty answering, try not to press the issue too hard and give him some time to figure things out.
If he does express sexual needs that you cannot facilitate, you’ll have to decide whether or not you’re ok with him having other sexual partners and take it from there.
Going through your boyfriend’s account represents a lack of trust on your part. Your concerns are absolutely valid and understandable, but you need to be able to trust the man you love and share a home with. In return, he needs to be able to trust you. If you cannot trust one another, the relationship will not be very rewarding and most likely fail. Again, open and honest communication needs to take place.
In addition, if you are seriously concerned about your boyfriend doing things behind your back, that says a lot. Whether he has done something specific to loose your trust or if you’re just worried about loosing the man you love, trust is a very important element in any relationship.
Reaching an understanding
Every relationship has rules. They’re not always talked about, but they always exist. An example of a common unspoken rule in a monogamous relationship is that neither parther shall engage in sexual activity with others outside of the relationship. Take the time to discuss and establish a set of rules in your relationship. Make clear to your boyfriend what is and what is not acceptable behavior. In return, he should also communicate the same to you. It is important to reach an agreement that you are both comfortable with and can both realistically adhere to.
I understand that you love your man and enjoy the relationship on many levels, but you deserve to be happy and it sounds like right now, you are not. Rather than just continue in your uncertainty, hoping for the best, take action and start discussing the things that have been troubling you. Some of your boyfriend’s behavior clearly falls outside your comfort zone and you need to let him know how that makes you feel.
The success of any relationship comes down to love, trust, respect, honesty, good communication, and compatibility. I hope the two of you can reach an understanding and find the happiness you both deserve, whether it be together, or apart.
Related content: Dear Gabi Advice Column
Write to Gabrielle: Dear Gabi submission page