Jan
22nd

Dear Gabi, My Wife Thinks Crossdressing is Wrong

Filed under Dear Gabi Advice Column, tips and advice | Posted by Gabrielle

Dear Gabi,

How best to handle it with my wife is my biggest concern. In the past I had felt that crossdressing was wrong and therefore had purged my collection several times. Now for me personally, I am comfortable with it. I had been trying to decide how to talk with my wife about it when she discovered.

Since then she has expressed the viewpoint/belief that (A) per the Bible and society crossdressing is bad and wrong. Absolutely no wavering on this so far. (B) She also believes that it is something that if you try hard enough you can stop doing it.. She has also stated from watching Jerry Springer show that all crossdressers will become gay at first and then that leads to all getting a sex change operation. For the most part she presents to me as these being absolutes.

She has also remarked that now all she can think of me as is Georgette whether it is just kissing or anything else. She also feels that if she would of given me sex more often then I would not want to cross dress. I have/had a web blog where I was journaling/logging my experiences. She wants me to get rid of that to. Currently I am doing that.

In addition to all this, I feel like she wants me to make all these changes and stop dressing and because she says it is wrong.

Yet at the same she does not what to consider or accept any offers for compromise.

Thank you,

Georgette

 


 
Gabrielle HermosaDear Georgette,

I am sorry to have misinterpreted your request for advice in the previous letter. An unaccepting wife, unwilling to compromise, is a tough pill to swallow. It will be a long-term investment, but there are options to consider in working things out.

The arguments your wife makes against crossdressing are almost text-book for many in this situation. Some wives have also thrown in a rather unpleasant ultimatum: either stop crossdressing or the marriage is over (sometimes accompanied by a threat of public humiliation and/or financial ruin). I’ve read countless accounts very similar to yours. Some of them have ended badly and others have managed to work things out. In some cases, the marriage has even grown stronger as the wife learns more about the realities of crossdressing (vs. the misconceptions) and gets the chance to fully know her husband.

Basic psychology behind this reaction to crossdressing
The way in which a wife reacts to the realization that her husband is a crossdresser varies greatly. Some women feel very threatened by the prospect of their husband exhibiting a feminine side. The less that is known about crossdressing realities, the greater potential threat perceived. Many women simply prefer a man to be all-masculine, all the time.

Based on the information in your letter, your wife probably falls into the category of women who want their man to be all-masculine, all the time. It’s a matter of personal preference, and everyone is entitled to their own. Her reaction to your crossdressing is an expression of fear over “loosing the man she fell in love with” and what others might think if they found out. The idea of you being feminine may also be damaging to your sex appeal in her eyes.

Before we get into the specifics of your wife’s arguments; very common misconceptions and concerns that are brought up by many unaccepting wives, it is important to keep in mind that she is probably filled with fears and uncertainty over this issue. Even if she may not be doing the same for you right now, try to be patient and understanding as she works through her own set of complicated emotions.

Addressing her concerns

Crossdressing and society
Today’s society is, on the whole, pretty uncomfortable with the idea of crossdressing, and consequently, not very accepting of it. Even so, simply being uncomfortable with something does not make it “wrong” or “bad”. Society has been uncomfortable with all kinds of things in past years – things that are perfectly acceptable and regarded as normal today. Several times, I’ve brought up how mainstream society in the 1950′s (made up of mostly whites) was not very accepting of blacks. It was just “common knowledge” that blacks were inferior to whites, lacked intelligence, and often regarded as a menace to society. As ridiculous as that sounds today, mainstream society was very comfortable with that notion decades ago. Did the fact that this was a widely accepted popular belief ever make it true?

What the Bible says about crossdressing
One of many misconceptions about crossdressing is that the Bible says it is sinful and wrong. This is not true, but there is a passage in the Bible that is often misinterpreted as such, depending on the translation.

It states in Deuteronomy 22:5, “A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your God.” (quoted from the “English Standard Version” translation, see link) Taken in a literal sense, it seems pretty damning to crossdressing men… and all women. The intended meaning behind the words is debatable, and there is much debate about it. Perhaps taking a look at another Bible verse might help put things in perspective:

Leviticus 19:27, “You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard.” 19:28 “You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves.” Apparently barbers, hairdressers, and tattoo studios have been damning us all for quite some time now. Oddly, not many people have a problem with other aspects of one’s appearance that seem to be in conflict with the teachings in the Bible.

Giving up crossdressing is not necessary
I covered this to some extent in Crossdressing Myth #5 (though not specifically in this context). It may be unpopular to the masses, but that does not make it immoral, sinful or wrong. There is no need to give up something based on societal popularity – especially at the cost one’s own personal happiness and contentment in life.

The Jerry Springer Show
There is very little, if any, real educational value to The Jerry Springer Show. The show is not designed to educate, but rather to entertain. Whether or not it is actually entertaining is up to the viewer to decide. It should be known that Jerry Springer himself has gone on record stating: “I would never watch my show. I’m not interested in it. It’s not aimed towards me. This is just a silly show.” (source: BBC News) Using The Jerry Springer Show as a serious source of information for anything is usually a sign of desperacy on behalf of the person citing it as reference.

Crossdressing, sexual orientation, and SRS
This is covered in Crossdressing Myth #1 and Crossdressing Myth #2. In short, straight people do not “turn” gay, nor do gay people turn straight, regardless of crossdressing. Crossdressers generally tend not to be good candidates for sex reassignment surgery, either.

An active sex life does not prevent crossdressing
The most active sex life in the world will not prevent or “cure” crossdressing. Lack of a sex life is not the cause of crossdressing, either. Whether crossdressing is an act of feminine self-expression, a sexual fetish, or somewhere in-between (as it varies from one to the next), it is a personal trait on the genetic level (like being left or right-handed) and not the result of outside stimulus, or lack there of. Outside stimulus will influence one’s crossdressing style/preference, but not the existence there of within an individual.

Working things out

What is at stake
All marriages have their ups and downs. A marriage can fail for any number of reasons. I think it’s safe to say that the vast majority of divorce cases do not involve crossdressing among reasons listed. The main reasons for failed marriages are lack of communication, and irreconcilable differences (such as serious incompatibility issues). If either party ends up sacrificing their own personal happiness in order to maintain “peace” in the marriage, it usually leads to pent up anger and resentment that will manifest itself in various negative ways. It may not necessarily end the marriage, but it certainly does not make for a very happy one. You and your wife will need to come to an agreement that is acceptable to both, and that is feasible over the long-term.

Patience and understanding
You may feel like the one under attack, but it’s important to not loose sight of your wife’s feelings during all of this. Be patient and understanding of your wife’s fears and worries. Try to avoid the topic of crossdressing for a while if it is upsetting to her. Divert her attention to things that bring both of you joy together. The understanding and patience you show to your wife now may be returned from her to you in time.

Bothered by the thought of a feminine husband
Some women have a need for their male romantic interest to be only masculine, period. Whether this preference is at the very root of their personal being or the result of living in a society that teaches teaches and rewards such thinking, they do not want to think about their man in any way other than completely masculine. The same can be said for most men only wanting to see their female love interest in a feminine light, only. To each, his/her own.

After debunking the initial arguments your wife has presented against crossdressing, she may just find new ones to complain about. If her intent is to simply “make it go away, period”, she will continue to discourage your crossdresing in other ways until she succeeds in driving it away… or driving you away in the process.

Assert yourself
You have the right to be yourself. There is nothing wrong with who you are, at least not because of crossdressing. If it bothers her too much to think about you in a feminine light, consider keeping this aspect of your life to yourself.

It is always more rewarding when this can be shared and enjoyed between two people, but its not for everyone and not much can be done about that. There are plenty of happily married couples in which the wife is aware of, but not an active participant in her husband’s crossdressing. Every couple has their separate interests in addition to the common/shared. Not everything need be shared together actively – especially the things that are undesirable to the other. For instance, many women do not share in their husband’s love of sports and do not take part in the frequent gatherings centered around them. Being a hard core sports enthusiast is a different animal than crossdressing, but the relevant point is an example of an activity that is often not shared between husband and wife.

Sorting out and sharing thoughts publicly
If keeping an online journal is helpful and/or therapeutic to you, then you shouldn’t give it up. Your wife might be concerned about your identity being discovered as a result of your journal. Take proper measures to minimize that possibility if that is the case. Involve her in the process of ensuring anonymity so that she feels more comfortable with it.

Her main issue might not be the prospect of you being discovered, but rather that she simply does not want you exploring this aspect of your life, period. Try to identify the root of her concerns and work on them accordingly.

Compromise, communication, and feelings
Reaching a compromise that you can both be happy with in the long run is what needs to be focused on. Keep in mind that your wife is going to be working though her own fears and insecurities during this process and may not be ready for productive conversation in light of that. When there is too much disagreement and argument in a discussion, then it is time to defer for another time. Nothing positive will result from a shouting match.

Marriage/couples counseling
Consider seeking professional help from a trained, licensed marriage counselor. Working on things together under the supervision of a trained professional has helped many couples better understand each other and improve the quality of their marriage. Be sure to do your homework before deciding on a therapist. Just because someone has a title and license does not mean they’re any good at what they do. Make sure that your therapist has experience in transgender issues, and look into their track record.

Good luck
There is no magic solution to this dilemma. I hope that the two of you can work things out together and come to an understanding that is acceptable to both. At the very least, I hope that the two of you can the find happiness that you each deserve, even if it is not with each other.

Offer your input to help a struggling marriage
I would ask those of you who have been where Georgette is now to please offer your input. If you were able to work things out, what seemed to help the most? Even if things didn’t work out, can you share any insight or important lessons learned? Perhaps you’re the wife of a crossdresser who has experienced similar concerns. What advice can you offer Georgette (or anyone in her situation) that you wish someone could have offered you?

 
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20 Responses to “Dear Gabi, My Wife Thinks Crossdressing is Wrong”

  1. By Petra Bellejambes on Jan 22, 2010 | Reply

    Superb, and generous thinking here Gabrielle. Surely Georgette, and many others will get lots of value from today’s post.

    You are a star.

    Best … P

  2. By Gabrielle on Jan 22, 2010 | Reply

    Thanks, Petra. :) It breaks my heart to hear about tough situations like this, and I’ve more than had my fill of the flat-out lies and delusions people perperuate. I hope and pray that Gerorette, and others in similar situations, can work things out based on the realities and not get caught up in the numerous misconceptions that are ever so popular.

  3. By Janie on Jan 22, 2010 | Reply

    Gabi, you have certainly covered the issues thoroughly, so much so that I’m not sure what there might be to add.

    I will say that, having come to crossdressing relatively late in life, I have thought sometimes along the lines of Georgette’s wife, that if I had been with a sexual wildcat, I’d never have started crossdressing myself. (For conext, I note that I am in a wonderful and deeply loving relationship with my GF, who accepts my girl side.)

    After 20 years in a relationship, sex can become less than novel, and encourage experimentation. Perhaps crossdressing was just some way to revitalize things?

    I’m never completely sure how my thinking will evolve on my sexual nature, but for the time being I have concluded that crossdressing is NOT a result of dissatisfaction with my sex life. Men in that situation can try any number of things, from swinging to bondage to toys, and many will have affairs. Crossdressing would seem to require something internally different.

    But, of course, Georgette’s wife can prove it to herself if she wants. Do what she hasn’t done and see if Georgette is “cured.” (Ok, maybe that’s a dumb thing for me to say…)

    It sounds to me, that G’s wife is upset and latching on to any argument to prove her point, which is simply that she doesn’t want her husband to be a crossdresser. I think she is in a very tough place – I try to imagine how I would have felt in my pre-CD days if my GF wanted to dress and behave as a man.

    As you said, Gabi, she needs time. I think her ultimate decision will be made on the basis of how much she loves her husband and whether she can open her mind enought to accept Georgette. And, hopefully, it will be based on real information such as you provide, and not on the nonsense that is the Jerry Springer show.

    From my personal experience, I would say to Georgette: take it slow, rely on your mutual love, and understand that this is a big pill you are asking her to swallow. Rather than purge or destroy anything, put stuff on hold.

    It may be impossible to achieve, but I have to tell you that taking my GF to Fantasia Fair was the most profound eye-opener for her. There she found, not only classes for SOs and other women with which to share experiences, but much more importantly, a group of CDs that were completely different from what she imagined. They were gentle and normal and nice and friendly and supportive and wonderful people. Her take: they were women without the cattiness.

    Good luck!

  4. By jMo (JaneK) on Jan 23, 2010 | Reply

    When I read things like this, I’m happy my wife is able understand me. We have fights, but strangely they are never about crossdressing. I dont know, MAYBE it is because I have NO WISH at all to deny myself and my wife knows, she can never rise situation: “Crossdressing or me!” You can bend, but bending too much is not reasonable.

  5. By georgette on Jan 23, 2010 | Reply

    Thanks to Gabi and the rest of you for your input and support. I am working at being patient and giving her time to work things out for herself. Personally not sure how long this could take, she loves to hold onto things sometimes. Other things she can work out quickly. As I have said so far she wants the you stop period response on my part. To get there she has pretty much resorted to the shame and embrassment route. Such as ,if it is so right then tell your work, friends, family and church, etc. At that point I did react a little badly, I looked straight at her and said OK I will come to church next week. Not the best thing to say but it did confirm for me that for her how others are going to see it and react to it means a lot to her.

    The other thing that happen was a couple of nights before that(about Thursday of last week), she remarked that she has to find a job and go back to school and add on, update her degree. When I asked her why she said, I need to be able to take care of myself because you are going to at the least bankrupt us with this and/or you are going to leave me. I told her that is not going to happen, she said, its an addiction you will just keep doing it more and more and not care how much you spend. Somewhere in there she talked about how much I hurt her and no way I can understand how much I hurt her. Then she went on to say she cares for me, has compassion for mer but does not love me. I could probablely say back to her how much that hurt me but not going that route.

    Patience is a virtue that is hardly understood but needs praticed much more. I do pray and hope that I can always be patient and stay loving and supportive to her. Again thanks all and thanks for letting me babble. Sometimes just talking is the biggest help.

    georgette

  6. By Gabrielle on Jan 23, 2010 | Reply

    Thank you for taking the time to share and offer your input, Janie and jMo. :) I hope more will choose to do so.

    Georgette – Your wife’s irrational behavior (“needing a new job”, etc.) is a clear sign that she is in panic-mode. I wouldn’t take her accusations or hurtful words as her true feelings toward you. She is in pain, blames you for it, and is lashing out to cause you pain in return. It is her cry for help even though I’m sure her words hurt very much.

    There is a light at the end of the tunnel, Georgette. It may not be a pleasant ride for now, but concentrate on that light when you feel weak yourself. In the meantime, do your best to give your wife the stability she needs in her life. When you need to discuss aspects of your life that your wife doesn’t want to hear about, there are plenty of us who will be there to listen. I’m am going to again recommend seeking out a marriage counselor or therapist who is well-trained in psychology and has experience with transgender issues. What have you got to loose by doing so?

  7. By Michelle on Jan 25, 2010 | Reply

    It’s easy to see CD’ing as “abnormal” – it’s certainly relatively rare.

    The challenge is to persuade your wife – and perhaps yourself – that it’s in fact quite normal.

    I don’t know what is driving your wife’s objections – whether they are religious, or simply visceral discomfort over the very idea that you are implicitly a “rival woman” competing for her husband’s affections.

    The best way I can think of to normalize things is with information. In my case, that tends to head towards books like “Exploring The Sexual Spectrum: Exploring Human Diversity” (which presents quite a lovely model of human sexuality that applies quite nicely to gender identity as well), or some of the more anecdotal books by people like Peggy Rudd. If she is willing to read them, it’s a starting place to build dialogue from.

  8. By Michelle on Jan 25, 2010 | Reply

    Part II (got interrupted with my first comment, and hadn’t finished it when I hit “submit” – sorry!)

    There are a lot of good things to talk about, the trick is to get it into a space that is non-threatening at first.

    If you can succeed in making things non-threatening for your spouse, you have a much better chance of helping her come along with you for the journey. (In my own case, my spouse chose to come along for the journey even after a divorce – she’s sort of become my ‘big sister’ in my transition)

    The other thing you may need to do is establish boundaries around things – it may take her a while to feel comfortable with what you are doing, as well as why you are doing it.

    It’s also possible that your spouse is having a bit of “what will the neighbors thinkitis”. There is nothing quite like normalizing things for your spouse to get beyond that particular hurdle.

  9. By Gabrielle on Jan 25, 2010 | Reply

    Thanks for offering your insight, Michelle. :) Georgette’s situation is a complex one that will take some time to sort out. I’m sure she appreciates the input people have been kind enough to offer. It’s so important to let her know we care and show our support. I hope more will continue to offer thoughts and show support.

  10. By georgette on Apr 28, 2010 | Reply

    Hi Gabi and all the others,

    Thanks for the advice and support. My wife went with me for one of my Pyhscistrist appointments and left disappointed when he would not pronounce me ill/sick and that the wasn’t a magic pill to cure me. He had given us another Dr that had experience with CD and transgender issues. However, after she talked with the other Dr and heard him remark that CD is not an illness to cure, she did not want to do see him. i am still considering the idea of going on my own.

    In the mean time have i attended a public event/party related to fetish play while cross dressed, no she still doesn’t want to know about anything related to it. However, she has decided that if i don’t do it at home or keep things in the house, then she doesn’t mind.

    However she is back on the motion that if we have more sex then i will not want to cross dress. i guess time and patience will tell.

    Again a thanks for all who have shared and Gabi you have been a real sweetheart. Thank You for all your time and information.

    georgette.

  11. By Gabrielle on Apr 29, 2010 | Reply

    Thanks for the update, Georgette. :) I appreciate your keeping us posted on things.

    It’s too bad your wife isn’t taking the official, professional, psychriatric news (that you’re *not* mentally ill) very well. It is understandable that she remains resistant, though. She probably still feels threatened by this aspect of your life, and may simply not be fond of the idea of femininity in her husband, period. Even so, it is very important that she is now aware, from a psychriatric professional, that this is *not* a sickness, illness, or disease that needs to be “cured”. Resist as she may, the realities should eventually sink in.

    I am happy to hear that she is at least ok with you doing your thing so long as you keep it out of her sight. All married couples have their personal interests/activities that do not involve both parties. That is normal and healthy.

    I think you should continue therapy, if only alone. It sounds like it has been helpful and given you a better understanding of yourself.

    Continue to be patient with your wife and try to look at things from her perspective, too. It’s important for you to understand her feelings and needs, just as she should also do for you. Always let her know how much you love her and that your desire and need to be yourself is not a failure on her part, but rather just part of what makes you who you are.

    Good luck with everything, Georgette. :)

  12. By wrongclothes on Jun 28, 2010 | Reply

    Whilst I have to agree that in this instance you have written an excelent peice of specific advice, I worry that the notion of women wanting men to be masculine (and vice versa) all the time is taken as a reasonable standpoint. It is unreasonable for a man to want a woman to be feminine all the time, or rather exhibit an overtly feminine gender at all times. If this were the case, women would still not have the vote, would not be able to wear “men’s” clothes.

    Here is the section I strongly dissagree with:

    “It’s a matter of personal preference, and everyone is entitled to their own.”

    The thing is I don’t beleive it is personal preference, but rather personal prejudice. Nobody is entitled to this view, it is a perspective forged by an unfair society. I think it is fundementaly sexist, in the same way as a man who wants his women only to wear skirts and be subserviant to his will, cook him his dinner, clean his clothes, vote for his political party etc. This chariacature of the 1950′s man of the house might seem ridiculouse: it is, and was when it was real, but the woman who wants her man to be manly and masculine all the time – well that’s just the same, equaly wrong and oppressive, and derives from exactly the same mentality: one where genders are digital, polarised, immutable.

    Being as we are the products of a society that thinks this way, even we crossdressers can make these little slips, I catch myself out sometimes, but they should never go without comment.

  13. By Gabrielle on Jun 28, 2010 | Reply

    Thanks taking the time to share your thoughts and offer your input, wrongclothes. :) I certainly appreciate your points and, if I’m reading your intended message correctly, agree with you.

    I understand your issue with the wording I used in regard to “personal preference” vs. “personal prejudice”. I agree wholeheartedly that society, on the whole, tends to hold and even enforce an unflattering and negative prejudice against trans folk. That negative perception or prejudice is the result of many factors working together, from lack of knowledge to the flat out lies that are passed down from generation to generation (that make up much of the fodder for disparaging jokes and hate sentiment).

    Aside from the prejudice and negative perception, regardless of their source, I think that people truly do have their own personal preferences in what is desirable and what is not desirable in a romantic interest and they’re allowed that personal preference. It is true that the personal preference of many is heavily influenced by mainstream society, but there are also so many people who’s personal preference is much more rooted in their own sense of perception and feelings there of. My own wife, though a product of society as we all are, was never one to follow in the trends of others when it comes to what she likes or dislikes in others. She may not openly display or discuss her likes/dislikes with everyone, but with those who she knows on a more intimate/personal level, she’s very open about her feelings on things, and does not make any apologies for going against the “popular” grain. My wife is not unique in this respect. There are plenty out there who are quite similar.

    With the 1950′s example, it seems you’re attempting to shine a light on very specific takes on “what is feminine” and “what is masculine”. That is a highly subjective topic in itself that can be debated in many directions. I understand the general instances brought up in that respect. When I talk about a woman preferring her man to be 100% masculine all of the time, it is generally a reference to that man’s personal style and presentation. Likewise with the flip side of a woman being 100% feminine, all of the time, in the context in which I have written (or intended to convey) would also be on personal style and presentation. There is a very gray area here and I believe you and I are attempting to present the same point, but perhaps getting caught up in the wording or semantics of how it is stated/presented. In that regard, my writing is full of instances in which my wording hasn’t exactly been the most rock solid or at the very least, not the best choice of wording/phrasing for intended message. When I go back and re-read some of my writing months later, all I want to do is re-write the whole bit more intelligently for this exact reason… and perhaps in time, I may do that with some of my posts. But today and in the foreseeable future, there’s just not much time for it. Aside from some debatable wording/phrasing/choice of words, I’m comfortable with this particular post… at least in the meaning I indented and how it reads to me, but being the author, it’s easier for me to pick out the meaning in my own writing.

  14. By Georgette (former) on Aug 29, 2010 | Reply

    Dear Gabi and all others,

    Will this has been an interesting summer, not fun but interesting.

    i had remained in counseling until i lost my counselour tomy wife, could not/would not do anything more for me but could stillhelp my wife. i would not see crossdressing as wrong and a sin, therfore she could not do anything more for me. She did try to hand me over to her new partner. When i decided to look for another counselor, i was told she could still see me and wife begged/pleaded, etc please go. i agreed, started out with being told, today was going to be a 2 hour meeting maybe we can make some progress(no advance notice to me). She then asked me if i had anything that i wanted to say to or about my wife, i said no, i was told it was to clarify why i was being handed off. She then looked at my wife and asked if she did, she pulled out a multiple page letter and demandingly started reading from it. Her viewpoint now is Cd wrong, stop it, get rid of all. Things went back and forth no big changes. Towards the end of session, i repeated remark that i had shared in sessions and with my wife, i just want to talk about it and reach a mutual agreement. Counselor remarked that was a good idea/goal and fair. When asked her why now it was ok/good but not previously, she continued with notion that it was new and wife still not agreeable to. at that time due to this reaction, along with both openly lied to me about session, etc, i left and decided that counselor had lied to me and lost my trust, i was not seeing her anymore.

    Shortly after that my wife told me that she was going to kick me out of her house and protect her daughter from me if i did not stop CDing. The first time i put it down to her being angry but the next day it happened again, at that time due to threat of loss of daughter, i resolved no more. Wife happy and proud that she got me to stop. She feels i should be happy/thankful that she did and no reason to be upset or anything. Her conditions etc have increased, what i have to do and how do it, etc. She has stayed focused on her, what she wants, what she needs to do for her daughter, she doesn’t think she can forgive or trust me ever again.

    i have talked with a lawyer and know what some of my options and rights are. i don’t know where we are going as a couple. i have for lack of a better word killed georgette and disposed of her and her walk. While i am sad abbout this, i have been told by my wife that i shouldn’t be, she still doesn’t trust me, searches all my stuff, reads my mail and email, decides what i should or should not be told. IE One of our nighbors that was sick with cancer passed away and she did not tell me until after the funeral was over, i did not need the stress or need to know. i will still read, etc but no longer write about or dress as georgette. Good bye my friends. :( and NO RIP for me.

  15. By Gabrielle on Aug 29, 2010 | Reply

    I’m sorry to hear how things have unfolded in your life, Georgette. Unfortunately, your story is not unique. The specifics differ, but the story is one I’ve heard many times over when I was more active on a popular crossdressing message forum.

    The counselor who insists that crossdressing is “wrong” and “sinful” is, from what little information I can gather, using religion as a means of influence regardless of any truth to the argument (that crossdressing is sinful, which it is no more sinful than women lacking femininity). Religion is often used (read: MIS-used) as a powerful tool of influence. Many people have stopped preaching the Word of God and substituted warped ideals that best suit their own agenda. The misuse of religion as a political tool is something I could write volumes about… and, I’m certain there are countless books and well documented studies of such things available already. Take a few minutes to look up the topic and learn about the plethora of ways religion is misused to influence others for personal gain. I don’t want to dilute the subject here, though. If it were not religion and/or religious backing to your wife’s argument against crossdressing, it would be something else. People always look for what they believe is strongest argument/backing they can find to back up their ideas and influence others, whether the purpose of such influence is good natured or not. To muddy up the waters even more, often people who use questionable tactics to try to influence others wholeheartedly believe that their agenda is “right” and “moral”, regardless of whether or not they really are (correct).

    I’m not exactly sure why your wife needs to “protect” her daughter from you… have you behaved inappropriately around her or otherwise been a poor influence on her somehow?

    In terms of your wife going through your things and “deciding what you should and should not be told”, or as it sounds to me, deciding how your life shall be lived, it’s entirely up to you whether or not this is acceptable. It does not sound healthy to me, but I do know of men who’s wife literally controls every aspect of their life, right down to being involved in every phone call made (literally, as in the wife is present and a ‘passenger seat’ participant, if you will, to each and every phone conversation), and they’re actually happy this way. Crossdressing isn’t a factor in any of the men I make reference to. If you can truly be happy this way, then there’s not much of a problem, I guess. It’s all about what you want out of life and whether or not you’re content. That’s up to you to decide.

    I understand that you’re situation is complicated and any decisions may bring unpleasant consequences. For what it’s worth, this is not unique to crossdressers with unaccepting spouses, but rather universal. Marriages/relationships experience troubles on all fronts each and every day. Sadly, kids are often used as leverage and/or bargaining chips. Again, this happens all the time, regardless of whatever circumstances may be causing friction in a relationship.

    I can’t remember who coined the phrase, but I found it to be very true: “You get out of life what you settle for.” Just make sure that what you settle for is something you can be happy with in the long run. Good luck with whatever it is you decide is best for you, Georgette. :) Hopefully, both you AND your wife will eventually find the happiness that you each deserve, whether it be together or apart. God bless, and take care.

  16. By Georgette (former) on Sep 4, 2010 | Reply

    Dear Gabi,

    Thanks for the continuing words of advice. i finally learned what she means by protecting my daughter. She has latched on to the myth that cross dressers not only become, gay and get a sex change operation but they are also child molesters. Especially if she continues to not give me or have sex with me then i will turn to our daughter for sex. Not only is this a belief of hers but also the church leaders that she talked with. So with no basis or facts to back them i have have been branded as a threat to children. Also, in her viewpoint i have no reason to question her about anything that she has or will do. Any and all behavior on her part is OK because her intents are to have me stop cross dressing therefore, anything is OK by her in the long run.

    i guess that helped explain a lot iof her behavior in the past couple of months. Of course when she doesn’t want to be bothered with caring for our daughter and/or wants to do something else then it is ok for me to be alone with our daughter. i haven’t figured out how to handle this without hurting my daughter to much. i am not proud of the fact that i am fast becoming less concerned about how it may hurt my wife.

    Thanks again.

  17. By Gabrielle on Sep 4, 2010 | Reply

    Georgette, it seems that your wife and “church leaders” have sunk to the depths of using completely baseless comparisons of child molestation, arguably the most heinous crime once can commit, as a means of shaming you out of crossdressing – something that has NOTHING to do with molestation in any way. They may as well brand you a Nazi for the same reason, while they’re at it. Why not a serial killer, too? I’m not going to even get into how irresponsible and juvenile such a tactic is (in this context), but the general idea is that if they can make such terrible ideas stick in your head (however baseless and false they are), that they can effectively control who you are and what you do. Shame tactics are shame tactics. That’s how they work. As a means of controlling people, the people who utilize shame tactics often do not care whether or not there is any reality to their argument – it only matters that they are successful in intimidating the person on the receiving end of their attack into submission (right or wrong).

    Relationships are complex and I only have a tiny, tiny piece of a much larger puzzle when it comes to your relationship with your wife/daughter. Given the small bit of information you have supplied, I think it’s safe to say that if crossdressing was completely removed from the equation, you and your wife would still be experiencing difficulties in your relationship. It is also likely that your wife would still use your daughter and the (backing of the) church as a means of control over you in some way. Like I said before, regardless of the factors that come into play, parents (or a parent) using their children as a bargaining chip in a failing relationship and/or as a means of controlling their spouse is, sadly, common place.

    I was grown up and married when my own parents got divorced. Both were (and still are) church-going Christians who raised me with strict Catholic “values”, and good-natured, Christian beliefs. Yet it did not stop EITHER of them from stooping to terrible depths to make the other appear as the “bad guy” in my eyes. I won’t get into the rather disturbing attacks (on the other) that were used to win over my support. I thank God I was old enough to understand what was going on. Divorce is never easy on the children – it was still rather difficult on me, and certainly quite more traumatic for younger children to go through. For all the difficult emotional times that resulted of the divorce process and aftermath, I am happy to say there was a happy ending. Both my parents ended up with people they are each more compatible with and I can honestly say I never saw them as happy with each other as they each are now with their new spouses. They have even reconciled their differences and BOTH attend certain annual family events (as in they can be in the same room with each other and even be genuinely polite to and converse with one another).

    If you and your wife continue to walk down the path of separation, which it seems, based on the limited data I have to work with, there is no way around your daughter being hurt and emotionally scarred in the process. This has nothing to do with crossdressing and everything to do with a child not understanding why mommy and daddy don’t love each other or get along anymore. Your daughter may be subjected to lies about crossdressing (from your wife and possibly the church) should separation proceedings take place and there isn’t much you can do about that. It’s a terrible thing to do – lie to an innocent child and make them believe fallacies about someone during such a difficult time, but that is what often happens (again, regardless of crossdressing).

    Tough times are ahead, no doubt. I’m very sorry to hear that things are not looking well for the outlook of your family (as in staying together AND happy/content as such). I suggest you do what is necessary to protect yourself from “dirty tactics” by consulting a lawyer AND a psychologist who is well-versed in transgender issues. Do you homework on finding both so that you end up with good legal counsel as well as court-submissible, professionally assessed information that clearly spells out how NOT dangerous being a crossdresser is to a minor and how it, in and of itself, is in no way, shape, or form, related to being a child molester. Whatever the “official grounds” may be that are brought up in any legal proceedings dealing with separation from your spouse and how custody/visitation rights of your daughter, this kind of thing is probably going to get really ugly (again, I can’t stress enough, the same is true, regardless of crossdressing being in the picture or not).

    I’m not sure what else to say, Georgette – your situation really stinks. You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. Welcome to the wonderful world of a failing marriage. Sadly, it is a growing trend these days, as married people (often with kids) discover how NOT compatible they really are, and [whatever specific item] is brought up as the “cause”, finger-pointing at who is to blame, using kids against the other spouse, trying to tarnish the name of the other to family/the community, etc.

    I hope and pray that, like my own parents, you AND your wife both emerge from this as happier people in the long run. I’m sorry, and good luck.

  18. By Suzy on Sep 28, 2010 | Reply

    There’s absolutely nothing I could add to this tragic discussion, except to offer, Georgette, this one passage from the Bible, in Dueteronomy: A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this.

    Many biblical scholars have offered that this refers to men donning women’s clothing to enter a woman’s tent, or to avoid battle, not a general repudiation of crossdressing. Notice it also cites women for the same thing. A couple of sentences later, it says that it’s a sin to wear clothing made from 2 different fabrics!

    I am so very sick of the misinformation that is offered in the name of religion. I just checked out a forum called the Catholic Answers Forum, and almost to a person the respondents said that a crossdressing husband was immoral, sick, a sinner, compulsive, and a threat to children. It makes me very angry and upset that this sort of nonsense is being spouted in the name of God. I personally believe that if there is a God, despite all of the difficulties crossdressing can cause, it is a gift from God to people like us.

    Suzy

  19. By Gabrielle on Sep 28, 2010 | Reply

    Thanks for offering your thoughts on things, Suzy. You’re absolutely right – this IS a gift – one that I personally cherish, celebrate and give thanks for.

    You bring up good points on the Bible passages, too. The Bible’s teachings are often misinterpreted, twisted, taken out of context and/or flat out fabricated in order to support personal agendas and a means by which to influence others. Exactly why some “teachings” (or misrepresentations) get hammered on and enforced with a vengeance while others are ignored or swept under the rug is a rather interesting phenomenon and questionable practice. It is truly sickening and disturbing that some people who claim to be the messengers and teachers of God’s Word are more concerned about maintaining their own distorted “values” and way of life, regardless of the harmful and damaging affect to others, and regardless of the truth.

  20. By prarinya2 on Nov 20, 2010 | Reply

    love

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