Dear Gabi, I Feel Guilty & Fantastic and Don’t Know Where I’m Heading Next

Dear Gabi,

I’ve just been reading your site for hours and I just wanted to drop a line to say how much of an inspiration you are. For the past few months I have been trying to figure myself out, one day I just felt a physical need to dress up, wasn’t something I was born with or anything it was a moment. I don’t know why, it just happened and kept developing. I’m married, have a kid and am tied with this double life. I purge and purge but as your site says, it’s a quick fix to feel what society classes as ‘normal’, the next day I had the yearn again.

I love having something private that I can keep to myself but feel the guilt too whilst also feeling fantastic and complete as everything about me is able to be expressed. I work in a very masculine environment with my family in-law expecting a very masculine role model for their daughter but as your site made me realize, too much of something has suppressed something else that needs its venting too!

Your site has given the many answers that many people have no doubt gone through, I don’t know where I’m heading with this next but I feel like this part of my life is a new body part you can’t live without. It’s nice to see someone like you who’s so free and liberated after going through all the same hardships as everyone else and still accepts they too are still learning about themselves. Well, here’s to happiness!


Gabrielle HermosaDear Nick,

I understand the confusion all too well, and hope that my writing has helped shed some light on some very important realities. You’ve been lied to your whole life. We all were. Now you know the truth. Consider yourself enlightened (or at least more so than before).

Knowing and accepting the truth is an important step and may take some time to fully digest and incorporate it into your life. Try to be patient and allow yourself the time necessary to work through things. Cognitive dissonance is a real bitch, especially after a lifetime of living and conforming to the lie – the not true self that you (and all of us) were pressured to accept, “believe” and exhibit.

The guilty feeling you express is something many of us have experienced. Fact is, the guilt is nothing more than a lie, period. There is nothing to feel guilty about, hence the lie. It’s all part of the bs-factory “programming” we’re bombarded with growing up. We are told a great many lies to keep us all naive and easy to control. It goes well beyond any transgender misinformation, but that’s a whole other discussion topic.

In regard to “where you’re heading next” – the answer to that is wherever you want. The use of the word “want” is a term I’m applying to your underlying needs. There are many more truths to be discovered along your journey, which will make more sense in time. As you come to realize these truths as truths, your actions will slowly lead you to where you need to be.

Life is change. Don’t fear the change – work toward embracing it. It’s all about the way you choose to grow. As you navigate life’s challenges, try to remember this next bit of very, very important advice:

Love opens doors. Fear closes them.

That applies in ALL of life. What does it mean? The short answer is: that is for you to discover. Here’s a hint: we create our own shackles of limitations in life. As you figure out how to stop limiting your own options, the important advice above may start to make more sense.

Love never limits, controls, or enslaves. Anything you experience that does limit, control, or enslave is certainly NOT of love. That’s the truth. Love is the truth. Fear is a lie. Don’t take my word for it, though. I encourage you to research that for yourself.

Love will, in fact, set you free. It has nothing to do with being trans, either. It’s a simple fact of being human. Mumford & Sons really nailed it in their song “Sigh No More“. I encourage you to listen to the song. You can read the lyrics here. It’s a beautiful song about a beautiful truth, and happens to be in active rotation in my music playlist.

Back at you, Nick – here’s to happiness! Live life as the person you truly are, and not some forced self-limiting, expectation of others. Be true to yourself. Act in love, not fear, and you will indeed live a happy life.

Love and best wishes,


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One thought on “Dear Gabi, I Feel Guilty & Fantastic and Don’t Know Where I’m Heading Next”

  1. Dear Nick
    An to all the Nicks out there. Crossdressing seams like it was part of my D and A. The Cd does not go away no matter how much you surpress it. It will return. If you think about purging, best to just box everything up and store it. Couple month down the road you will be opening up the boxes, this saves lot of money and time buying everything over again. I just did not realize this for a very long time. So you young CD out there learn and be happy the way you are, life is to short.Once that this hit home that CD was part of my life and I relaxed this help a lot. Finding Peggy Rudd books were a big part of the whole picture. Keven A. book Making Faces has helped with step by step make up procedures.
    Best For all

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